QuestSanity

"The thing that bothers me with him ( and you from the sounds of it) is

that you actually believe there is a conspiracy against you if you don't have what I call a "Yapper" running their mouths constantly. Like I am ( or your

GF) hiding something or going to ever use the information I have against

him. That must be a hell of a way to live. If you ask me that is an Issue

that needs addressing."

Maybe its more of a difference in how much talk is considered "normal"

by people. I doubt your bf considers his level of talk as "Yapping" or

"running their mouths constantly". He probably considers what he does

as normal and you guys just have a difference of opinion about that.

My parner now is a lot more talkative than I am, but I dont consider

her a yapper. She just likes to talk to me and she also likes to hear

about whats going on with me too. When I tell her stuff about

my job, for example, it often cracks her up laughing- and I like

making her laugh. And the stories she tells me about her job I also

consider hilarious- its like listening to a daily episode of

Seinfeld. Even when we are venting to each other, it feels good. I think

our relationship would be a lot more stunted if we didn't share things

with each other. Talking with each other is part of how we experience

our relationship.

As for the conspiracy thing, well in my case with my former gf

it wasn't so much a conspiracy as more of a reality- because, as I

mentioned, the most annoying thing was that the information that I

had told her did constantly come up in arguments. Had I told

her some personal stuff about a break up I once had? Then

I was sure to hear something along the lines of "Well, maybe

X was right about you and that's why she dumped you." Had

I told her something about my family? Often this

would come up later as "Well, you know your family's nuts

dont you? Remember what you told me about Y?"

Some of that is normal in a relationship- every couple argues- but

of course in every argument we had she always presented

herself and her past as picture perfect. And because I only

had her white washed sparse version of it, I guess I was just

supposed to believe she was indeed perfect and or something.

She would often say- "Well, I dont like to air my dirty laundry

and as far as you know, I dont have any to air!"

This was what eventually turned me off the most. Had she

just listened and not used the information to judge me, then

it wouldn't have been so annoying. But that and the fact that I

usually detected this undercurrent of contempt for the way

I talked with my friends- as if she considered us childish or

stupid for talking the way we talked- eventually drove me away

from her. And I judged her as untrusting and uncommunicative

in return, so I wasn't innocent either, but in the end it finally just

became unworkable. Ive told my current gf tons of the same

stuff, but even when we fight, she never brings it up- she

usually just focuses on the stuff that happened between us.

Even if two people have different comminication styles, if they

each respect the others way, then there shouldnt be a problem.

But if they dont, then maybe the best thing to do would be to

seek out partners who are more similar to you. That's how I

addressed the problem- I just found myself another yapper to yap to

Maybe you have hit upon the answer yourself- you guys are just

not compatible. For a view from the other side, I had a gf once who

never liked to talk and liked to listen to other people talk.

This became annoying for two reasons.

For one, it was fustrating because I never got a good handle

on who she was. What were her dreams, her goals, her likes, her

dislikes, her views on various subjects? All blank. If you had asked me

who she voted for or what her favorite color was, I couldn't

have told you. (No, it wasn't a case of the typical guy thing

where she had told me and I forgot- I asked her the color

question several times and her answer was "Oh, I dont know- what's

your favorite color?"). Yes, I know there are other ways of figuring

out who a person is other than listening to them, but I wasn't

intuitive enough to figure them out. Unlike your bf, I didn't think

her non communicative style was due to abuse from her past,

but I did begin to suspect that it was because she didn't

trust me or something. Maybe she didn't- I wouldn't know- she

never told me.

She also said she preferred to listen to other people but she would

make similar comments you did- that when she listened to me

talk to my friends that most of what we talked about seemed

childish, or gossip to her ears, or she would

laugh or express incredulity at the reasons I would come

up with why I could never get her to talk about herself.

The thing I couldn't understand, at first, was if all this stuff

was such bs, why did she so seem to like listening to people talk to

her? She could have just stopped listening to people reveal their

personal stuff to her and gone about her business in complete silence.

But instead, she liked listening to me, or her friends blather away

to her, revealing to most personal stuff about themselves to her, but we

never got the same treatment in return. She would usually claim that she

didn't ask people to share their personal stuff with her, but if they

did, she didn't feel obligated to reciprocate.

That always seemed kinda weird to me and it eventually led to the

second reason dealing with a non communicative person is annoying.

Whenever we got into arguments many of the things I had told her,

(that she liked to listen to) or she had heard me talk about with

my friends, were constantly brought up and used to make points

because she eventually knew all this personal stuff about me, but I knew so

little about her. I eventually began to suspect that her liking to listen to

people had nothing to do with being a good listener- it was just a passive

aggressive way she used to feel superior to other people, because

she could believe that she had more information about them than

they had on her- which she could then use to judge them and

their actions, but nobody could ever do the same to her- which I

came to realize is a very powerful but dysfunctional weapon. Im not

saying that is the case with you at all, but when you share

a lot of yourself with somebody else, and they dont do the same

back to you, then things can get a little lopsided and suspicions

begin to abound.

I eventually started being more like her and not telling her my

personal business, which I hated, (I mean, if you cant gripe about

your crappy boss to your gf, who are you going to gripe to?) and the

lines of communication became thinner and we just drifted apart. Now,

when I look back on it, I think it was more a case of just being different

people, with different communication styles.

Since then Ive usually been with women who are the opposite. They

constantly want to tell me what's going on in their life and what

they are thinking and what they are feeling all the time- almost to a fault.

But I prefer it that way because when they do share that stuff with me, it makes

me think that they trust me and that they want me to know

what's going on in their lives. And I can tell them my stuff too, without

feeling its an interview or a confession and not a conversation.

I have a similar situation. Its a major pain in the a** I can

tell you. Because every time my partner gives me grief about

the people I spend time with, Im forced to do the calculation

that, hey, if I give up these other people that Ive known and

loved for years before I met you, what would

I be getting in return from you? Makes me feel

horrible and selfish, but its real. When I weigh the benefits

of my lifetime with my brother or an old friend up to date, against

the benefits of somebody who stresses me out for something so small

Im forced to conclude that my partner just doesn't add up. And every

time she brings it up I can feel myself drawing away a little more.

And it just hardens my position more. Maybe, over time as she realizes

that Im not going to change, she'll probably draw away as well. Sad.

1) What does it matter, because if you dont feel comfortable asking

her, and then believing what she tells you then beyond wasting a lot

of money on a private detective there just is no way to find out

for sure is there?

2)If the number of ex sex partners your current partner had is really that

big of a issue for you, (and it is for some people) then the onus

is on you to search out somebody where this would not be a

such a problem. Many people who have waited until 36 to get married

have had multiple partners- often more than somebody who got

married in their 20s for example. This is just a simple fact of life,

that really doesn't mean much when trying to judge a persons

character. I know 1 woman and 1 guy who had both had only

1 sexual partner by 35 who made a lousy couple- got married and

divorced in 1 year. I know other men and women who were wild in

their 20s who've been happily married with kids for over 10 years now.

3) You say you guys are doing fine now.Would you be better

served to focus on what you have together now, and hopefully will

have together in the future instead of wasting time thinking

about what happened in past, which is the only slice of time that can

neither be changed nor influenced? There are only so many minutes in the

day to spend worrying about various things- is this the most important

thing, is this the most important thing to spend those minutes on?

1) Good luck. I hope things work out for you in the

end because its always good to hope that people

who take chances in love get what they want.

2)Im a bit older and Im sorry to say, this situation doesn't seem

that unique to me. Seen it time and time again before.

Only help I'd give is to examine your own words carefully

because when your heart is involved its always hard to

think clearly, (seen that quite a few times before as well).

"She dislikes his living habits, he pays no attention to her nor does

he show any gratitude or affection (on top of that he's not much

help around the house either). In the span of two months, I know more

about her and helped her with her problems more than he has in over

a year."

You cant possibly know this for sure can you? Unless you're

able to some how render yourself invisible and can watch them

both interact when you are not there? What you are hearing when

you talk to her is one half of a conversation or case. Consider this-

why should her bf be nice to her? Maybe he subconsciously

suspects that her feelings for him are not as profound as they

should be- (she could for example, be spreading their personal

relationship business to other people).

"So why doesn't she just leave him? It's sad really, it's because

she can't afford it. She just recently purchased a house which

he is going to move into with her and share in the mortgage

payments."

This alone should tell you a lot- If she hated her boyfriend this

much, (a key word being bf, not husband or father of her kids for

example) then she would leave him- period. Im assuming you

are writing from a country where women are emancipated? If

so then dont deceive yourself into believe she's helpless in all this.

If she truly loved you, then it shouldn't matter that you dont

have money right now- she would be willing to invest in your

future together. She's staying with him because she's using him to

get something she wants- i.e. a house. She is using you to get the

emotional support she's not getting f from him. So she's using the

resources of two men to get her needs met.

Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you can truly fulfull ALL

her needs. Because the ones that you cannot might be

being met by somebody else even if you do get together.

"her husband objected to them and told her that if she loved him

enough, she would sacrifice and give up some of her guinea pigs"

1) I take heart from the fact that she's being asked to

give up *some* of her guinea pigs- not all. Which might

indicate there might be an extreme part to the case we

are not aware of. Maybe she has hundreds of the little

things running around- however, if that was the

problem, then it could have been asked in a different

way, without bringing up the idea of "sacrafice for my love".

2) Its the *way* it was requested that I find manipulative and wrong.

I find that usually when people coach requests in that way to me, (if

you loved me, you'd do this) it usually has nothing to do with real love per

se but more to do with assuaging some insecurity they want to address

by exercising power over you by getting you to do something that they

know you dont want to do for their sake. I always have to ask myself- if I

gave up this today, then what will I have to do tomorrow to prove that I

love you? And if I have to *do* something to prove that I love you, (as

opposed to just being, well ME, guniea pigs and all) well then Im probably

not going to be able to ever sacrafice enough of myself for you

unless I give up more of myself that I should be willing to do.

For me personally it would be very difficult for me to ask somebody that

I loved to give up something that *they* loved, for my sake, unless it

was under the most extreme case, (a dangerous animal or behavior

or something that was medically harmful to me like an extreme allergy

for example). I would feel that I was hurting them and I dont see how

I'd feel good about myself the day after they had done it.