fortywhatever

For me, it is that I lost trust in people. It is hard for me to even trust my husband and I have no reason what so ever to doubt him, EVER. ( He trusts me totally, and he & I worked thru the affair, discussed it and are past it as a couple.) I think I am just scarred from the affair that way.

The x affair partner lied to me and played the manipulation game so much, there for alittle while I held so tight to a false hope, believing his every word till one day the light buld in my head went off, big time. I fooled myself into thinking he meant everything he said. I was so wrong. Life is better without him in it.

My husband and I have been married 25 +/- years. very opposite personality wise. I love to be out amongst people and he would rather be in the house alone. all the years of being married, I would go along with his way cause that's what this good wife wanted to do. Well now since our son is grown and gone I'm not sure this is what I want anymore and I can't see spending the next 25 years of my life like this. My husband considers himself anti social. and could care less about having friends. I have a ton of friends and they have been a blessing to me. I have more freedom than any other married woman I know. I vacation with girlfriends, shop, and run around with them, and he doesn't mind most of the time. I know alot of people and he has even made remarks about how everytime we do go anywhere I see someone I know. (Maybe alittle jealous)

I really think if he had his way I would be home by him on the couch all the time watching tv and eating.

I don't know if this is how I wanna spend the next 25 years of my life. I love him, but I am lonely. I want "him" to do things with me and enjoy them. I'm afraid he is so set in his ways that he would never be willing to change.

Counseling in out of the question. We even talked about divorce not long ago because "maybe i'm not the kind of girl he wants anymore". Go figure!!!

Thank you for the reply. The link you offered is a great one. Alot of helpful information.

I can't help but allow my mind to race around like crazy sometimes, but I won't ever allow myself to get back into an affair. It's a life destroyer.

Thanks again

"He" and I had an affair. (Mainly emotional) I wanted out of it and he would have let it go on and on probably till one of us died. It went on for several years. Since being out, I am regaining my -self back, but...I can't help but wonder.

Can he be missing me? Will he realize that I am a good person wanting to live "right". I didn't want a friendship or relationship based on lies and deciet.

I do miss him everyday. But is it just the process of breaking a habit of an affair or was it truly something other than that?

I know time heals and I suppose if it was/is true love between the two of us, we will maybe one day find our way back to each other.

We are both married and the affair was not do-able at all for me. I walked away and am moving on with my day to day life.

Okay here goes my 2 cents. I have tried to read thru your post several times today but could not do it. It so , so saddens my heart that your boyfriend could be treating that dog the way he does. The dog does not deserve that kind of treatment, what so ever!! When we decide to get a pet consequences go along with it like chewing, potty training etc. Being mean and abusive is no way to treat an animal. I do hope you are brave enough to confront your boyfriend about this matter and he can be more compasionate. Cause you know what............What would happen if one day you become his target, not the dog?

Sorry to sound so mean.....but that's how I feel.

That dog trusts you to love it and care for it and will give YOU unconditional love and devotion. Please do something about it!!! NOW!!!!

Did he cheat on you? Were you two having an affair?

 

My EX cheated on me with another guy, and is with him still. She wasn't even planning on telling me...instead simply tried to say we needed some space from each other.

 

It is so hard for me not to contact her either. I know that although she might be hurt somewhat from this experience, she still has HIM, my replacement, and so she is not suffering as much as I am.

 

I think people who don't have to deal with the betrayal of a cheating ex should feel somewhat lucky...

Hi Cyprian...Yes we were having an affair. I am done with it all. Each day I feel little bit better........

But however today he called my work. Trying to not let me know it was him. I would not have answered but the number came up on my phone as one I did not know. Said - he was sorry, he had the wrong number, I said okay and hung up. That was that.

I think he was testing the waters so to speak, but who really knows.

I hope you are doing okay, I'm sorry about your situation.

Yesterday was a hard day to get thru. I did not contact him at all, don't plan to ever again, however all day I was full of sadness and heartache. I feel like I'm going thru some kind of withdrawal. Longing for somethig that I thought I needed and wanted, but don't really have to have it to survive.

Maybe I'd feel alittle better knowing that he was suffering alittle too. But I know it would not change anything. I will not be anyone's best kept secret.

Hope today goes better.

Good to see you showed some spine and didn't look back. However i advice not to make your heart a murder hole, just spit out all the issues you have in here, and we'll help you out. sorry that you've been going thru such a hard time breaking up.

Doing the right thing is so darn hard sometimes. Saying goodbye is never easy, but what I lived with everday had to end. The guilt, the secret of it all, everything just wore me out, emotionally.

I just at times still feel like the bad person for breaking up, but really i'm not. I remind myself alot that I did right.

I decided to return to this post. I've been struggling alittle I guess this weekend. It is a milestone in a sense for me cause it is the longest "he" and I have gone without uttering one word to each other. In the past I would hold firm to no contact and he always broke it. Maybe this time he knew that I was nothing but seroius about getting out of the affair. I never wish anything bad for him, and told him so. It was time to finally walk away and not look back.

Decided too delete message. Thanks

Would you have the strength to forgive for having an affair on you now?

I don't know, I can't answer that honestly.

Is he married as well? Mine was and the thing is, it is draining because of the uncertainty and the extreme highs and lows of the situation. It is better that you ended it because in my case, he was the one who detached slowly and now I feel used. Just don't expect this to be easy, because it is certainly like an addiction that you have to wean yourself out of. There is a book I read written by Judith Sills, and it's about getting off a dead horse. When most of the time the relationship causes you pain, it is definitely dead, plus the fact that it's wrong too. The way to get off it is to face your fear of withdrawal, and doing what you think and not what you feel.

Yes, he is married. He would tell me the usual stuff of how he had plans for our future and how we will be together and all that stuff and yes I hung on but then again I tried for several years of this affair to get out. I was teetering and tottering for along time. I found that I didn't like the person I had become. Enough was enough.

I know how you feel because I have been there too that's why I sympathize with you and admire your courage. I have been NC (No contact) with him for about a couple of months now but it still hurts so do not be surprised at how you feel. It is a rollercoaster but the payoff is your peace of mind which you can never have with him.

You know......for a long time now all I wanted was to be back like I was before I had the affair. I know alot of people that had affairs probably feel that same way. I can't seem to find a happy medium within myself. I'm upper 40's in age and starting menopause, going thru the ol' "emotions scattered all over the place" feelings. Can't tell alot of people how and why I am like I am, if they ask. I never knew a person (the other guy) could emotionally drain me so bad and probably not feel anything at all. It surely is one wild ride.

First of all, I commend you for doing the right thing. I'm sure as you have read in most of the posts here that regardless of who broke it off, you will feel the loss. It's just part of being human, we will feel a certain grief to just about any attachment we form, whether it be a person, a pet, a job, etc. And this is the time to heal too, for the hurt that this has caused you. Do not worry about him at this point because you had to do what you had to do to break it off and survive emotionally.

Thank you for your kind words. It's a BIG emotional loss. I know I should not worry about him, cause I'm sure he isn't worrying about me like this.

He knew I was hurting for awhile, but I kinda started keeping it more inside because I think I'm dwelling on it all too much. Especially right now. I replay the affair in my head, the words that were spoken, the actions, the disapointments and the laughter. I really want to just allow myself to let it all go. Sometimes I feel like I can and will, then other times I still wanna hold on just a tiny, tiny bit, don't know why tho.

I recently ended an affair too. I know your pain. I know it very well!! But I know too that you would have been like me, never a priority to him, never of importance, and as long as you would have allowed it, you would have always been his secret. We'll get thru this thing! One day at a time!!

I had an affair. I got weak. I got enough strength to tell my husband and we worked thru it. He and I both admit fault of things in our marriage. We are okay. I on the other hand struggle with not having enough strength ( or whatever I need) to forgive myself and let it go.

I had an affair that lasted several years. More emotional than anything. I ended the affair once and for all recently. I just could not live with it anymore. My problem is...(and I know it's MY problem). I can't get past the fact that I feel like a bad person for dumping him. I know I did the right thing. My husband and I are fine in our marriage. It is not in my personality to be mean and disrescpectful, but I had to think of myself. I had to get abrasive with him and told him to leave me alone.

The affair and the partner gave me NOTHING but heartache and tears. I hurt the worst of the two of us and now I am still struggling! What's up with me???? Hopefully it's just part of the healing I gotta do.