Afraid to be alone

 

Why you deny yourself the chance of being happy with a guy?

Why...I suppose if I knew that I wouldn't be here so confused. I am the kind of person who would gladly die for the ones I love. And I know being gay would hurt them, our way of life is a bit behind the times. My family would disown me for it, and even the guy who I do like, I can't see being around forever.

Sorrow is certainly not the only thing you can bring to people's lives, why are you so sure of that?

Perhaps I am simply to messed up in my own head to make someone happy. I have to get through my own problems before I figure I can take someone else on my shoulders with me.

I'd personally say stay away from sex for now...it seems to cause you lots of problems with intimacy. Try to love and get to know people in other ways before everything is sexualized.

I suppose I have been for a while now, this is not something I have been working through since Yesterday, but years. I want to feel loved, and want to love someone in return. I wish sex wasn't in the picture at all, it would make things so much easier.

Why did you become so sexual at such a young age?

I was born that way I guess, while other kids thought of bats, bases, and balls. I thought of boobs, butts, and babe. I craved sex, even before I fully understood what it was. Pure desire was the only thing that I knew, not right or wrong, man or woman. Only pleasure and Lust.

Did your parents know about it?

They almost caught me once, but I played it off pretty well. After that I kept a tight lid on it, for even if I didn't understand what I was doing. I knew it wasn't something for adults to know about.

What caused you to approach boys at your young age?

It was easy, I knew being sucked and sucking felt good. Better then I was able to describe at the age and even now can only call Bliss. Since I was able to slip in hints and play them like a fiddle. I could get the biggest Anti-gay in the world had I wanted him back then. Of course I am sure it had mainly to do with my childish body.

Really I only created this account because the Internet is the only place I can talk about this, get it off my chest and not have to worry about it coming back to haunt me. For I know what I am about to say, I shall likely never say again.

I have no Idea where to start, or why I am even posting this. Perhaps it is because a door in my life is about to shut forever. You see I am a pretty good looking guy, my looks are much better then my personality. Because I am good looking I often attract people, however I repel them just as quickly since I have no desire to be around people.

As a child I didn't think having sex with men made me gay, it was simply the easiest way for me to get what I wanted. I had more partners by the age of 12 then some people have in there entire life. All men, some older, most my age.

I learned that I could use my words to get what I wanted, and just about anyone I met gladly and sucked me. My powers didn't work on girls, but I knew a guys head was in his pants and if you could get him hard he was yours.

As I got older I did have sex with a few girls, none of which gave me any pleasure. I found I couldn't reach climax with them, no mater how many hours we went at it. I wasn't turned off since I stayed hard, yet I wore them out much sooner then I could even dream of climaxing.

For a long time I was a solo act, girls weren't useful and I wasn't going to be gay, I didn't want the trouble it involved. I would much rather live a quite life by myself then one with another man. Even if that was the kind of person I was attracted to. At least sexually.

One person was an open gay, whom I liked a lot. However my fear of being different drove him away. I know we would be happy together, however I also know mentally I could never except a life with him. I would push him away with the desire to love a woman and be normal.

So here I am a self hating gay, who doesn't hate gays only the idea that I am one. I know its wrong of me to hide who I am, but in the end I can only bring sorrow into the lives of anyone I meet. I cannot be pleased by a girl physically, and I can't be happy with a man Mentally.