ConfusedasEVER

"let me know when you're back in town and let's meet up. Give me dates and i'll try to fit in your schedule"

Let's meet up sounds as if she'd like to see you. I'd simply tell her when you're available, and meet with her and see what she has to say. If it's to exchange belongings, do that. Don't mention anything about the relationship.

You're right superdave. It's hard to not try and find double meanings sometimes, but I guess when you care about someone you automatically instinctually do that.

I didn't really read into it (at first), but it struck me as so bizarre, well.. unexpected actually. I don't know. ;-( I guess I find it hard to believe that after all this time, (especially after some of her antics - she was semi-emotionally distant, selfish and very immature at times -- but I still loved the cheeze doodles out of her) that the thought would even cross her mind that I want these things or that she has anything over here.

Oh well.

I don't know if anyone remembers my previous post, but I'll run it by really quick.

Broke up with the x-girlfriend about 4 months ago, found out she was maintaining an emotional relationship with someone accross the country. She moved out, took all of her things and we spoke on and off for the first month and a half after the breakup. Following a small ... fling, she broke off all contact and began dating someone else.

about 2 1/2 months go by, and I hear nothing from her. Basically NC forced upon me, although I really had no desire to call her, even though I mourned for her very deeply and wanted to get back together.

So, about 2 weeks ago, I get a strange text message at midnight, ''hey, do you want your hats back''. I replied no, and went along with my business. We got in a small fight about a week later because her mail keeps coming to my house, and I told her about it. Well, the day I told her about it, she said she'd pick it up, but never showed up as she said she was going to. .... So about a week goes by. This past monday, she text messages me. . . ''I found a lot of your paperwork, do you want it''. Now, I know these should be normal occurrences... but to me they seemed immediately off-color and out of the ordinary. I told her yes, and that I'd swing by and pick them up. An hour later she texted again and asked ''Did I leave a copy of my college recommendations letter there?'' So I figured, oh she probably was looking for that and came accross some of my stuff. But something still doesn't feel right about the whole thing, especially since now all of a sudden she's contacting me for all of these things. I mean, normally, I feel, and a lot of other people do.. that these are things that are taken care of shortly after a breakup, not 4 months later. I don't know what to do at this point.

she broke up with me a month ago, we were together for 6 years... started NC on monday, and we broke up because she said she was becoming bored and the spark wasn't there, but she wanted to stay friends. honestly i didn't think that she would contact me so soon, let alone contact me at all, due to the fact that she said she was NOT missing me

What a confusing one we have here. LOL. 6 years, is a long time. So naturally, the effect of your absense is going to severely debilitate her. It's like, chopping off someone's arm, and initially they're like. . . . well I really didn't need that. Then they are like ''well wait, where is my arm!?''

Sometimes it is hard to let go of a comfort zone, whether or not the other person is interested still. Some people just can't say goodbye, either because they don't want to face grief/loss, or they're unsure about something. In her case, I'm not sure what it could be.

You have to decide whether or not you can maintain contact with her without hurting yourself. If it's too painful, don't. If not, continue.

um ok? whats netspeak? when i say things like "wut" "n" things like that?

LOL. THAT is hot. net-speak. Ok, but no really. I'm assuming that you're right, she probably is like ''OMG OMG OMG he doesn't talk to me? " It happens sometimes.

How long ago did you guys break up, and how long were you together?

LOL. She may have been sippin' on some sizzerp. BUT, *normally* (what is normal, praytel) ... people do not contact others at 2AM for randomness. Unless she's always been this random, then I'd say, .. well.. .expect anything from her.

hey confused - sorry things are where they are.

 

sounds like the stage where the boundaries need to be clear and the future path needs to obvious. don't waiver on your own rules, don't allow her to either, be consistent and STAY STRONG. Find a network, like this one, and stick to your guns.

 

I know that's a bunch of cliche's but they're said for a reason.

 

Lean on us.

I hear yah. At this point, it's becoming very aggitating and un-nerving. As I said, it gets to the point where I forget about her for a couple days and then she sets off fireworks to remind me that she exists. Like, when she found out I was dating another girl (we have mutual friends, whom question me occasionally of what it is I'm up to) . . the same night I told her friend of the new person in my life, I got a text message from her asking if there was any mail for her at the apartment (now mind you she had moved out three months ago - so obviously no mail for her. lol).

I guess there's just a lot of things going on that I really don't understand. I do know one solid fact though ----- when you're done with someone, you're done. I remember breaking up with my x-from 2 years ago, and although I found random things of hers in my apartment, I just assumed that she didn't want them anymore and threw them away. And most people, do just the same thing. Small, random objects left behind are obviously not important and thereforeeee should be discarded. So, It's a tell-tale sign, when an X contacts you after all of the smoke clears and the party is over, and they're asking if you if you ''want ", than you can pretty much assume that they are trying to tell you something. Unless they are obsessive compulsive and partially insane. Then we have a whole 'nother thread, toppic, ect.

ive been on NC with my ex for 5 day now, i litterally disapeard from her, i blocked her and her friends on msn. havent gone onto any websites where she can see if ive bin on etc....

 

saturday morning at 2am i was woke up by my cell phone, it was a txt msg from the ex asking me "r u still alive?" i didnt respond... she was most likely out with her friends and probably had a bit to drink....

 

Drunk? Likely, but no. 2AM = Very personal. Nobody contacts anybody at 2AM unless it's an emergency. So.... personal emergency. Hmm. Ignore her. That's her problem. It appears she's becoming confused with your behavior towards her, and that is good.

okay, so she she left a voicemail today that said she was sorry for last night and that she was panicking with med school and running a marathon at the time. what could be her reason for calling me like this today? it seems like she is trying to play the whole thing off like it never happened, she sounded care free and back to her old self. she also said i don't have to call her back but I can if i feel like it. No problems with this one tonight guys, I am not calling her back under any circumstances. NC has begun again. woohoo, 18 hours and counting.

Sorry, but what is it with this girl and her constantly utilizing school and running as an excuse? LOL. Yeah, best bet - cut her off. But be prepared that she might actually start... with some strange behavior (I.E. In person visits, bizarre letters, destruction of property), OR she may completely lose interest.

Too late for that , she already knows I have feelings for her,

LOL I woke up with her this morning

Um, lol. Then why are you asking how to behave around her at a party? LOL, I'd say be yourself, because obviously if she's in bed with you, she's comfortable with that.

Well now we are going to a party together a mutual friends birthday party.

I am a little confused as to how to handle this one.

How should I act around her , I feel nervous , almoast like a first date

silly huh ?

Well any advice would be good, anything I should do that might help

her twards her desicion ?

1) Do not mention the relationship.

2) Show mild interest, do not stare, or become intimate in any way.

3) Act within her comfort level, if you can see what I'm getting at. Act how she's acting. But don't make it known that you still have feelings for her unless she specifically asks.

4) GOOD LUCK. Take it easy.

To make an excruciating extremely long and drawn out story short, I lost the 'love of my life' about 3.5 months ago. I found that she had been communicating with someone who lives accross country and that she had professed her feelings towards him, and did not tell me. So, upon confrontation she admitted that she loved this man and was unsure about her feelings towards me. Naturally, I am not going to force someone to stay with me if they aren't willing, so I asked her to remove herself and her belongings from my apartment and assured her that I could not maintain a friendship with her despite my heart's better judgement.

Well, things progressively got worse, and naturally I started starving for her, almost lost my job twice, put my life on hold and jumped at her every whim. I started 2 weeks of NC about a month past the breakup, and low and behold she started slowly dropping the usual benign hints that she was wondering what I was up to. (I.E. calling to ask random questions, making herself real obvious to me that she was needing to speak). So, I ... stupidly, went to her house and saw her. I played it cool at first, but of course it was too soon. She behaved as if she was interested, and of course I fell in heartfirst. We met the next day, at her house and were swimming in her pool. We started to get close and then... she dropped a bombshell. ''I just don't want you to be disappointed if we don't get back together'.. OUCH. THAT hurt.

So of course, NC began after that conversation. I watched in horror as she began dating someone else, and of course I did not handle that well. But I stayed away and myself started dating other people.

So, low and behold 2 months after that debacle, it's Sunday night, 11:30pm, I'm innocently watching TV when I get a bizarre text message on my cell phone.

Her: Hey, do you want your hat back?

Me: Um, I really don't wear hats anymore. ;-)

Her: Okay, just checking, I wanted to make sure before I threw it out, because it wasn't mine to throw away.

Me: Well, thanks for asking.

Her: yup, np.

Now: A little history. We used to fight, a lot. We talked about that the night we went swimming. She said ''I really missed how we used to be, but I don't miss the fighting''. THAT night, she asked me if I wanted my hat back, and I plainly said, ''No.'' We kissed for four hours (before during and after the whole swimming event).

Soooo. I can see, that she is being bizarre and asking me if I want a hat back that I've stated clearly that I don't want before, at 11:00PM. I havn't heard from her since (this was a week ago). I havn't been checking on her or ''seeing what her current situation is'', quite frankly because I've %99.9 have moved on. But it seems like for some reason she just won't let me, and I won't let myself.

I'm usually an advocate for ''coming out and just asking'' but ... when I think about doing that my heart floods with absolute horror and fear. So, I guess maybe I'm asking for others opinions. ](*,)

so what should he do then?

I think the next time that she calls, he should just frankly ask her what it is that she needs from him.

She has made it obvious that she....

1) Does not know how she feels.

2) Does not care that HE is being hurt, and is thereforeeee being selfish.

3) Is purposely being mandy-pandy for no reason other than to beat around the bush.

He needs to be stern, and protect his heart and tell her that she has one chance, and one chance only, or she will lose him forever. And if she still refuses, then he should follow your initial advice (NC, change numbers, move, run away screaming, pull hair out, move on... )

ok, yeah, he should tell her something firm. I guess in that case say something like, "Don't contact me again unless you want to get back together." Something that's firm.

 

people who show up at your house 8 times are stalkers.

But Annie, that's kind of almost still, leaving the door open. The, 'no contact unless you're sure' approach usually works if the person is sure that they don't want to get back together. So, we've seen that she is, well unsure. So, by saying 'Don't contact unless.... '', all that is achieved is reassuring that we are keeping our selves open to the other parties insecurity.

Sometimes the 'confused/lingering/retarded' X cannot/does not/will not/refuses to understand that they are hurting the other person, weither or not it's intentional. So the only way to get them to make a decision, is to produce immediate severe insecurity. It will also help the other party realise that you are by no means going to be disrespected. Because really, what's happening here, is she is not respecting his wishes.

And I HATE stalkers, I have 2. ;-(

block her number and her e-mail address. you don't need this.

Annie, I respectfully disagree in this circumstance. Althought it may hurt him initially to call her out (if he gets a poor response), it will produce results. Because, sadly, if he blocks her on email and her telephone number, there is potential that she may fly off the hook and show up at his residence. Trust me. I've had it happen like 8 times. LOL.

so of course she started calling again at noon today. she left a voicemail on the first call, but really i don't even feel like checking it to see what she has to say right now. i will probably check it later tonight, but I am not picking up if she calls again.

Okay, so here's where you need to pull out the big guns.

Obviously she's told you that she's in the reminicent mood, and ''misses'' your ''friendship'' -- which I've gathered from previous posts.

This is all BS. There is something more here that we're missing.

GOD people like this make me so angry, lol. I'm sorry.

It looks as if to me she keeps wondering if she still has you, and when you remind her that she does, she runs away screaming like a lunatic, and then you get confused/hurt/bewildered/bemuzzled/befused.

My x did this to me for WEEKS until I finally asked her, in no terms less, what the FREAK was her PROBLEM with me. And she came out and said that she loved me and wanted to get back together but was scared of being rejected.

I would say, ALL or nothing her *RIGHT NOW* or she'll never stop.

I know this sounds abit odd. But do you really love him? Or do you just see him as a companion? It sounds like as if there's no real understanding between you two. I may be wrong.

Rickster, you may be right. But the problem may be that eachother try too hard to understand eachother and then fumble over eachother because of that very notion.

I'm thinking you just need to step out of the bubble, and go with his flow.

And Superdave may be bringing up the best point, maybe you just need some good, SOLID time apart.

How do I answer this question? Im currently doing NC with my ex (mutual breakup) but we sit next to each other in class.

 

I act confident and happy around her when I am forced to see her and talk to her in class. We end up with basic chat and maybe have a laugh together about something.

 

She usually asks me questions about how I am and what have I been up to? I dont want to tell her, I want her to be constantly wondering what Im up to. Should I be vague with my answers?

 

I want her back

 

 

My

Answer as you would a normal, every day friend. Or, ask her why she cares. LOL. That sometimes startles them. No. Go with your instinct. If you feel as if you should be vague, by all means. Your insides are usually right.

Bcuz: I wouldn't reply.

Darnit, Bcuz!! LOL stop telling him that.

I would reply. And I would say, ''Yes, quite. And why are you reminding me that YOU are still alive. '' .... and see what she says!

Iceman - I hear you on that. Im not even going to try to protest. Being cheated on really hurts. Ive only been cheated on by someone I didnt really love. I cant even imagine how it would have felt if I loved him and I seriously dont want to find out. I wasnt really referring to your situation in the O.P. I was talking about the rest of us who broke up because of fighting etc.

It hurts, like hell (being cheated on by someone you love). However you raise a startling truth by stating in your earlier post that usually the people who get back together are not the ones sitting her posting messages. LOL :splat:

But anyways, how is your day. ;-)

Background

 

She said yes, i then dropped a bomb and told her unless she want's to discuss our relationship i'm not interested in seeing her again nor do i want her as part of my life. She didn't respond just nodded, avoided eye contact(does that when she's hurt) and we said our final bye's and she drove off.

 

I just need reassurance, in my heart & head i feel i did the right thing. I feel like im moving on and unless she wants me back and says so i'd rather nott see her again.

 

Thought???

 

My friend, I feel as if you've done exactly the right thing. Which sometimes hurts, but in the long run, whichever the outcome it will be for the best.

 

It's obviously she wants you in her life, and that you are important. Whatever that want entails or how important you are however, only she knows. And I think, she needs a little time to figure this out.

 

Just sit back, and . . . move on, and . . . wait. If that makes sense.

I'm just not sure if calling her up is the best action at this point. I mean, why go through all the trouble she seems to be going through when she could just give me a call??

 

I really hate to be indecisive with this but I am utterly confused. What kind of bomb do you mean exactly?

What I meant, was - you need to approach her in whatever way you feel will be most effective. *You*, only know her this well. I've found that a simple phone call to check her pulse and let her know you still exist is actually quite effective.

It seems to me, and I might be wrong, that she is probably trying to figure out where exactly YOU'RE going with this. So, if both parties are sitting around trying to figure out where the other party is going, then ... all we are going to see is two people trying to figure each other out and getting absolutely.........

To avoid rejection, don't expect *anything*, which I know, is very hard ](*,) but actually, .... if you think about it. .. you've kind of already lost her? Correct? So .... what do you have to lose? Besides 5 minutes of your time to remind her that you are still interested - without saying it.

I tried to do NC but she broke it and wanted to see me.

This babe, is your first mistake. You TRIED, however your heart did not let you, and she knows that this is a fact, and she's using this for selfish motives.

Annie posed an excellent question, 'How long were you dating?'.

There are several ways you can approach this.

1) Initiate a very strict no-contact.

- This guarantees you will NOT be hurt.

- This obviously has gained her interest, for whatever reason.

2) Come out and ask her what in the HECK her problem is!

- This may startle her, as it is unexpected. But, as you can see, you are the one suffering in consequence to her benign behavior. She is telling you that she is 'unsure', and whatever that reason is, that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Until she figures out what unannounced reason she is hesitant toward the relationship, she will not cease this behavior and it will continue to hurt you.

3) Move on, completely count her out and renounce any future hope of reconciliation.

- This I can guarantee is the hardest but sometimes most effective strategy in dealing with an unsure Ex. It's the all vs. nothing scenario. Once she realizes that she could possibly lose you forever, then this may produce desperation, which usually leads to action.

... in short, this is hurting you. She can see this, and continues to do so despite this fact. Be it or not that she is showing selfish motives, you need to protect your HEART and your interests - and tell her once and finally that you need a definite answer.

"her friends started with the 20 questions when I saw them."

I can tell you, that if her friends are beginning the 20 questions, then she definitely is conveying the fact to her friends that she is still interested.

I'd like to see if things can work out in the long run

Then darn it, what are you waiting for?

I've got the ball now, I want to toss it back her way.

Okay, instead of throwing balls at each-other, why not just . . . drop a bomb. A gentle, yet effective bomb, however. No 'Hiroshima's' here. Not trying to scare her away, . . . you obviously know this woman very well, and can see where she's going. So help her along.