andrew05151

Seriously, this guy sounds like a huuuuuge douche bag. Seriously. And you have a daughter. Do you really want him as her father figure? I mean, you said so yourself...he's too immature to even handle a political debate....

C'mon...you can do better. You know it.

Oh yes, you could definitely be analyzing that correctly. You might just be happy you "won." You don't feel rejected anymore, now YOU are the rejecter. There's power in that feeling. And, it doesn't necessarily make you cold hearted. It just means, you don't love him anymore.

...I think

Nothing. You're using discretion. You're being reserved. You're not diving in head first. I think that's fine. The relationship is broken and it won't work out. You know that, I'm sure. I know that for my own situation. We still need to feel it out, though...

Hes probably scared to go back in head first. Scared she'll dump him again, and he'll have to go through such pain.

Im just describing myself, though

Well, I kind of thought this was a cooling off period. We used to see eachother like every day, and she was very clingy before. Too clingy, really. Yet, when it was gone, I missed it terribly.

At this point I think I'm mostly over it all. I'm not getting emotional like I used to. What are my intentions? I don't know...do I want her back? I don't know. I need to see her and find out for myself...if I still feel it. But actions speak louder than words...if she can manage to live out the summer without getting involved with anyone else, that would mean something to me. She's an attention * * * * *, after all. She hasn't been without a boyfriend since 10th grade, and right now she's single. That kind of means something, I guess.

I don't know...I don't see a No Contact period being beneficial at this point. I want to be there for her, but I don't want to be there as a boyfriend. She knows she can always lean on me when she's in trouble, I told her that even when we did break up. I told her I won't be her friend, but I will be there for her if things get too hard for her to handle alone.

She's used to being with me almost every day, she's used to my affection and love. If she talks to me, I'll talk to her. If she wants to go out, I'll go out for 2 or 3 hours, but I'll limit that to once a week or so. I think that's cooling down, isn't it?

It sounds good on paper, but putting it to practice, that's a whole other game...for me, when someonen says they need me, when they want me around....I'm not the type that can turn them down. It makes me feel terrible. I'm not going into this with positive expectations, I'm not going to try to progress anything. I'm just going to be there, I'll talk, I'll be nice, I'll just be me. Whatever she does with it...it doesn't matter to me at this point. I'm going to keep living like I have been. I'm going to keep going out all the time, flirting with other people, making new friends. I'm not letting her suck me down. But, I don't want to turn her down, either. Do you really think I am doing the wrong thing?

Yes, exactly. I can't buy into her game, I won't do it again. I won't let her trap me in her web. I'll feel the situation out today, and report back in here.

I was thinking, assuming she really does want me back this time...maybe we'd just go out on little 2-3 hour dates once a week, maybe twice. To let the situation slowly grow, so it's not only me she knows...she'll have plenty of time to go out and do her own thing....yet, I won't be totally gone, either. Just an idea I had...

Hello everyone. I've got another twist in my story. A quick recap: I dated my ex for about 2 years, when she abruptly left me for her ex-ex, because he "makes her feel good." Apparently, I was causing too many fights and making her cry too often. I fought to keep her for a week, then I gave up and left.

A week later she came back to me. I was happy, I took her in right away.

A week later she left me for him, and told me she was "faking it." "Forcing herself to have a good time." And that we need "accept that it's over."

Now it's been something like 3 weeks. I lost track. But, I've really healed a LOT. I've become so much more secure, stable, and confident. She's just broken NC with me, and I'm not even getting emotional or hopeful. I kind of have a "whatever" attitude about it. Probably because I don't think it can work out right. Anyways, one of our mutual friends sent me this AIM conversation so I knew what was coming...

Sorry for being lame and posting an internet log, but I'm using it to analyze. She had/has no idea that this was sent to me...

Her: hey

Friend: hey

Her: what are you doing?

Friend: eating my lunch at work

Friend: you?

Her: heh

Her: sitting, thinking

Her: and stuff that always makes my life suck

Friend: i'm sorry, what's up ?

Her: god, so much * * * * going through my head

Her: idk, it's pathetic

Her: im pathetic

Friend: well that's not helping me help you

Friend: but

Her: haha

Her: i ruined my life and others lives and my future, for what? for me to sit here and cry and feel pain that i don't want

Friend: right but i don't know what you're talking about and that much isn't true

Friend: and if it is, it's not a permanant thing

Her: ... andrew

Friend: right but that's done and over

Friend: and he's doing well

Friend: well, better which is alot of progress

Her: oh

Her: wish i could say the same for me

Friend: Alicia all i can say is you made your choice, if you want to be with andy

Friend: don't

Friend: let him go

Friend: or he'll never grow as a person

Friend: he was leaning too much on you for everything

Her: i feel horribal

Friend: Well that's to be expected, you were with him for a while

Friend: you don't feel any better for breaking up with him

Her: i cna't do anything

Her: i can't sleep, i barely eat, every song i listen to makes me cry, i can't watch movies, i cna't even sit in my room without thinking of him and crying

Friend: right, i'll stick by my guns about what i said a while ago, if you're still confused you need to be by yourself for a while

Her: yeah

Her: id on't want to hurt chach, he thinks everything is good

Friend: ok, but you need to do things for yourself , and figure out you

Friend: before you can be with anyone else

Friend: if chache really likes you he'll understand

Friend: you can't half * * * a relationship lady

Her: iknow

Friend: it's not fair to you or him

Her: iknow

Her: i hate doing that though

Her: telling him i cna't do this anymore

Her: and i feel bad and he's upset and idk what to do

Friend: right but if you're even contemplating it

Friend: you should probably do it

Her: i just keep thinking of how much i threw away... and it kills me

Her: and that i needed him, and how stupid i am

Her: and i just....

Her: i don't want to be here anymore

Her: here, living, breathing, feeling all this pain

Friend: Alicia do you seriously love him or do you just miss him?

Friend: because no matter how much you miss someone that's not enough reason to get back with them

Her: i love him, if i didn't woudl i be crying this much, or doubting what i did or seeing him everywhere?

Friend: I guess not, just please think it through more before you act

Friend: because it will effect andrew alot

Her: iknow

Her: but it doesn't matter

Her: he wont take me back

Her: so i guess i'll just... idk

Friend: you need to just go through everything you have on your plate now, yo uhave collegestarting

Friend: and starting a new part in your life

Her: i know

Her: but i think of all the plans we had, and everything, and knowing i wont get that chance, kills me

Friend: Well here's the thing, you have to go on

Friend: or take him back completely

Her: i know

Her: i feel like the most horribal person ever, the biggest heartless * * * * * ever, and i just want him to know that i love him, and i don't want him to forget about me and us, i don't want him to have to, i don't want to have to, i need him

Friend: Lee talk to chache

Friend: this isnt' fair to him

Friend: and then wait it out by yourself

Friend: and then if you still want andy

Friend: go to him

Friend: and talk to him

Her: he wont take me

Her: he already told me

Friend: yeah they always say that

Friend: i'm not going to give you hopes about it, because maybe he won't

Friend: because he was hurt badly

Her: i know

Friend: but he still may after a while

Friend: talk to him as friends

Her: he wont

Friend: you ARE going to the same college i mean jesus

Her: he doesn't want to be my friend

Her: he doesn't want to remmeber me

Her: or us

Her: or anything we had

Her: and that kills me

Friend: Alicia do you blame him?

Her: no

Her: i don't

Her: and that's why im almost posotive that he wont want me

Her: god, i've had his box open, wanting to say something to him, but i cna't

Friend: don't, no you need to think more before you do

Friend: right now you're just emotional

Friend: I have to go though i shouldn't be online anymore my break is over

Friend: i'll talk with you later lee

Her: oh ok

Okay, so sure enough she leaves me a message on my away way late last night. We talk for about two hours, I act caring, yet cold. Which is how I am now. I do care about her, but I believe I'm finally fallen out of love. She tells me she will "do anything for me" to "prove that she loves me and always will" and that she's so sorry and regrets it all and she threw away her life.

I don't really take this seriously...she'll just hurt me again, I'm sure.

But, I did agree to see her today, at the spot we had our first date. I don't intend to be emotional, or affectionate. I'll give a hug, but I don't think I'll give anything more than that. I think I'll end it by telling her that she needs to stay single for a while to sort out her problems and build herself back up, because right now she's an emotional mess and we're only setting back up for disaster.

I'm sure she's thinking of you. She's probably not going to post something publicly that gives away her inner thoughts. I'm sure as soon as she read that question on the survey, she thought of you...and thinking of you may have hurt her, angered her, so she responded with the nope. It probably made her feel better to post that, knowing you'd read it.

That's my take, anyways. Those surveys are so stupid, anyways.

Also, I don't know how much into music you are or what...but if you have Limewire or something, some songs I was listening to which I should share (and they're not inspirational...)

Just Surrender - I Can Barely Breathe

Number One Fan - Nothing Will Change

The Fray - Over My Head (Cable Car)

Motion City Soundtrack - LG Fuad

The writers of these songs surely were going through the same feelings/emotions/thoughts as we are, and to hear it played out in music, in melody...it hurts but it heals me at the same time.

Maybe it'll help you, too...I don't know. If you like those I've got more I could post...

Good luck, stay strong.

I havent checked up here in a few days because it was too painful for me. I just read this entire thread and it made me pretty much cry. Ice, I know what you're going through, man. I went through something sooo similar. And, she told me the SAME THING! I love you but not the same. It took all my strength to say goodbye to her after hearing that.

Because, what's the point? Everyone is right, no matter what we do...it doesn't change anything. She's set in her ways, in her feelings...and it's all we can do to just accept that. Maybe she'll come back, maybe she won't. If she does, so what? I'm just going to say no. It's not fair...look at what they are putting us through. Even if we do love them more than anything else, they're putting us through hell. It's not fair and I'm sick of the abuse.

Your situation is better and worse than mine at the same time. Better because she's single, mine is dating that other guy...I think. I haven't checked up because I really don't want to know.

But, yours is also worse because she's getting into drugs. That, for me, is not tolerable. It's all the more reason to let go. She's been negatively influenced, and if that's how she wants to live...why stick around and put up with it?

We're just beat down dogs, with our tails between our legs...and we keep running back to the master for the next beating. Screw it! I'm done playing like that. No more of this.

Yeah, probably. When the semester starts I'll have to take a look around, I guess. This feels like I'm just wasting the entire summer, now....ugh

Hah, yeah...I'm on campus. I work here at IT for my university. I am an information science major, and treasurer of the Info. Sci. organization...but you don't find many girls around in that...

And I'm white, and agnostic.

Well, I am back to feeling totally alone again. I feel like I make some progress throughout the day, but as soon as I lay down in my bed and try to sleep...everything gets worse. This seems backwards, the guys are supposed to be strong...but I'm the one that's an emotional wreck. All the movies have a happy ending, once the man starts putting forth a decent amount of effort and makes his love speech. The movies lie...

Cherry, I'm sorry to hear you are going through something similar to what I am going through. I wouldn't wish this level of torture on anyone. When I want something really bad, such as an expensive piece of hardware...I know all I have to do is keep working, saving up the money...and then I'll be able to buy it. There's a comfort in knowing that. When I have a difficult final, I study for it, and I know that as long as I try to learn the material...I should be able to pass. Sure, it's stressful...but you can work to accomplish your goal. But, when it comes to trying to get your ex back, when another human being is thrown into the mix, there's no logical formula for success. That's where a lot of the pain comes from....you feel so helpless. Everything you try ends in failure, and perhaps it's time to just give up. I'm rarely a quitter, but she's beat me down so many times.

Neolithic is right. That was the problem with me all along. She was putting in more effort than I was, and she got sick of pulling the weight. When she came back to me, it was vise versa. I was putting in all the effort....we never hit our balance.

This has indeed been a learning experience. Unfortunately, any knowledge and strength I've begun to gain has come at such a steep price.

Any suggestions on how to meet new people? Not that I'm particularly looking for a new girlfriend, but I need to be able to go and meet new people. I'm sick of sitting behind a computer screen and feeling like dying. But, I don't want to go to a bar where all the slutty party people are. I prefer the more classy, reserved people...but they're the hardest to approach. If I'm in the library, I can't just walk up to someone doing research and say "Yo, what's up?" I'm somewhat isolated from my old social network, as I sacrificed it for her....

Updated List:

U2 - One

Unwritten

Bryan Adams - Here I Am

Boyz II Men - Never

Christina Aguilera - Beautiful

The Atari's - Boys of Summer

Oasis - Wonderwall

Him - Wicked Game

Coldplay - The Scientist

Nickelback - Someday

Backstreet Boys - Crawling Back To You

Russel Watson - Faith of the Heart

Cake - I Will Survive

believe it or not, it makes me feel good to hear that you guys were enjoying the thread I guess she might come back, I dont know. She says she loves me, but not like before. And, she has had that confirmed this past week we were "re dating." So, Im not sure if she really will come back...

Anyways, let's start a list of inspirational songs. I really need music back in my life, and right now all of my music makes me want to cry.

So, we have so far:

U2 - One

Well, she left the break up notice on my away message. What a * * * * *. So, I left her a message back. It was very calm and uncaring. I just said, "Alright, whatever. Not sure why you wanted me back then...guess I'll probably be seeing you around campus sometime, then. Have a good life. Later."

This is so stupid, she promised me...when I went back to her, I specifically said "How do I know you won't do this again?" And she promised me she wouldn't.

I certainly hope he doesn't make her happy, but I know she won't leave him unless she has the next guy secured and ready to go. I want to be with her, but I don't. I can't go through the pain she puts me through again. But, I was so happy when we were truly together. She is a comfort zone, I know her so well.

She was so full of love, she had so much to give me. Now, she's so empty. So dead. To me, anyways. God, I hate myself for taking it all for granted.

I wonder how she'll be in 5 days....

Yeah..

She might come back when college starts. She chose her college based on me. We were going to live together, I got a single room for her to move in to. Im sure she'll be scared when she gets there, and I'll be a safe place to turn.

But, will I accept it? I hope not. She's screwed me over way too much. If she comes back, I vow now not to give in. She'll have to beg and beg, and prove herself worthy this time. She'll have to work for it. But what am I saying, that's a long ways down the road.

Right now I have nothing to believe in. Everything we had, everything we did, it was all a lie. I hate this place.

Hey everyone...

It's over. She came back to leave me a message on AIM saying she doesnt feel it anymore, that she loves me but we have to accept that its over.

Im so sick. I dont know what to do now. I just hate everything, again. Im worse than when I started. I deleted her from my online messengers, and am in NC. Trying to heal. To forget...

She made my world so amazing, she made me so strong. Im so broken and empty, now. This pain is so intense. I want to die, to dissappear.

We had such a wonderful night, I can't believe it. She seemed to be having a great time. This is so disgusting. Love doesn't exist. Everything is a lie. I hope I die.

oh god. I just had confirmation. She was with him, and he is giving her a 1 on 1 ride home right now. And, toi make it worse...that ride should have been done about 15 minutes ago. What are they doing?! GOD. I cant play it cool anymore, guys. I can't do that. No way. I am going to have to ask. I need to see if she will lie to me. This is too much for me to take. I am breaking down right now. I am sick. I can't move. I am dying here.

Okay, thanks for everyone's responses.

Iceman: This is freaky that we are in such similar situations, huh? I don't have much advice to you, though...I mean I'm pretty damn lost myself. That's why I'm here. Everyone thinks it's best to kind of be in the NC mode, let the girl do all the initiation. I think I agree, but it's SOO hard to do that. But, we both seemed to show them a good time...so, I guess it's their turn now, eh?

Here's a status update on my part: I put up an away message when I got home from work today, I wanted to see if she'd talk to me even if I had an away on.

Well, she did...this is what I got.

"im going out with sam and kate and some people for abit, i'll be back in a little while. i love you"

Now, that other guy's away?

"Fulton/ oswego bbl"

I guarantee they're together right now.

That sucks so much. I was hoping that after last night maybe she'd be more prone to cutting him out...UGH.

Now, the best move is to not invite her out...even though I don't see her today...which means I should definitely see her tomorrow. But, I've got nothing to ask her to do, anyways.

Sigh. So, I won't be seeing her tomorrow, either. This is so hard...it's like I have what can make me so happy JUST BARELY out of my reach.

What if she's expecting me to ask her to do something? Oh well...she'll have to be the one to mention it. I have to keep telling myself that. It has to be her.

Oh god, but what if her and that guy do something tomorrow?! And why does it seem like they are secretly talking on the phone after she goes to bed? Maybe I'm paranoid and dellusional...but first it's a peculiar beep, then it's an idle time off by an hour. Things just don't add up. But, we have this good night (I think) and is it even getting me anywhere?

Maybe she just doesn't feel the spark like she used to...

Okay, so here is how my night went.

I arrived to pick her up to go to walmart and get her pictures developed and get a new picture frame. When I got there she seemed very distant, like she didn't want me around. On the car ride to walmart, it was the same. I tried to converse as much as I could, but she wasn't very responsive. But, I stayed positive. I didn't let it get to me. When we got to the parking lot I parked near a car with a license plate "bubblez." So, I made a few jokes about the plate, she smiled a little. There were some girls nearby beating their heads to loud rap music, we both hate rap music...so I made some sarcastic comments about the girls to her, and she seemed to respond alright. In the store, I touched her shoulders a few times, and she seemed to kind of move closer to me. There wasn't much physical contact, but she seemed to be a little more warmer, opening up some. I thought that the trip was kind of a waste at this point, that I wasn't getting anywhere.

On the car ride back, it was more of the same. Except, she had her hand in plain view, resting on her leg. We always used to hold hands in the car as I drove. On the way in she had her hand concealed...so, I looked at her hand a few times, and sure enough...she noticed. She looked at me and asked me, "What?" I said, "Your hand looks kind of lonely there." She gave me this really adorable look with her eyes, an agreement look I guess. I said "My hand is pretty lonely, too." And I moved mine towards her's, slowly. She moved her's into mine, and we held hands. This, for me anyways, sparked a connection. Instead of taking her home, I went to a McDonald's to get an ice cream.

In the restaurant, I continued with stupid jokes, to make her laugh. I played with her a lot, like how we used to. Back in the car, I didn't want to take her hand again. To my amazement, though, she initiated a little hand game. She would go to take my hand, but when I would try to take hers back, she'd pull it away. So, I'd pretend to be sad. And she'd do it again, the second time I pretended to be offended, and was like "FINE!" And then she pretended to be sad "Awww" and grabbed my hand, and we held hands for the rest of the ride. I felt so high.

Back at her house, she immediately said in a joking voice "Okay, well good bye." I took it as maybe she wanted me to leave for real, but I wasn't going to just invite myself in anyways, so it didn't matter. I acted a little sad, and she smiled at me. I said in a serious voice, then "Seriously, do you want me to go home?" And she disagreed. "Noo." "You sure?" "Yes, you can come in." So, I did.

Back in her room, we flirted a lot more. A lot of tickling, pillow fight, fake dramatic games. That sort of crap. Then at one point she actually mounted me in a semi sexual way, with her hips against mine, her legs around my waist, as she tried to tickle me. She stayed that way for a good 5-10 minutes. However, there wasn't kissing.

Later on, I almost fell off the bed, and she grabbed me and pulled me close to her. I pretended to be slipping away further and she clutched onto me to pull me back, I then wrapped my arms around her body. Around this point she started to get more interested in the TV, I gave her a foot massage, and a back massage, both of which she likes. This wasn't unusual behavior for me, though, as I always gave her massages throughout our relationship. I layed down afterwards to watch tv, and she layed against my stomach. Later on, I was sitting up, and she sat in front of me, then kind of leaned backwards, so I wrapped my arms around her from behind.

I could feel sparks, I just hope she did, too. But, she seemed to be semi receptive to me. She still isn't really kissing me, though. We kiss on the lips, but nothing passionate, no tongue.

She always used to tell me she wants to hear my voice before she goes to sleep. When I left at 11 30 pm, I asked her if she wanted me to call to say goodnight still (she needed to take a shower). She told me she would like me to. So, I did. That went fine as well.

This morning she IMed me first thing, our conversation was the usual BS about nothing useful at all. However, I seem to have some affection again. When I do my little game of being sad about something. Like "I'm so bored here at work She was before just giving me "oh" or "yeah" but now I'm finally getting the more normal "aww" to show that she at least seems to care.

As the conversation today was, in my opinion, stale...as usual. This isn't abnormal, either, though...as our AIM conversations rarely had a lot of substance. Anyways, I mentioned to her "I had a good time last night" and all I got in return was "yeah" That hurt a lot, but whatever.

I'm still concerned about the other guy possibly calling. I didn't have the guts to mention anything to her dad about the grandma calling so late, so I can't confirm that. I think I really just didn't want to know the truth. Unfortunately, there was something kind of odd again today. She put her sleep away up at 12 30 am, right as I was on the phone with her. However, this morning, according to her idle time, she wasn't idle until 1 30 am. Her away never changed, but she does use MSN and it's possible that the other guy does as well. Perhaps she conversed with him last night, maybe even on the phone. Maybe she is hearing HIS voice before bed, not mine.

Oh, I hate to let something so stupid as idle time get to me. So, I am trying not to. After all, I think it was a pretty successful night.

I won't bug her to do anything today, maybe tomorrow? I don't know...

I want to, but I don't want to push. Two consecutive days without seeing eachother...I'd rather not. I want things to move along.

You guys have some awesome advice, and I thank you all for it. It's really been helping me. I will share my night with you all tomorrow at work, as I need to sleep now. I just got back, but I think the night went pretty well. I like that idea about blocking her ex, so I stop comparing crap. His away messages really piss me off with those love songs. He talks some crap about me, too... You're right though, I read too much into this stuff. He keeps putting 's in his away messages, which is what he did when they were "dating" for five days. Really bugs me...I wish I could see their conversations....but screw it I can't let it get me down...we had a good night, seemed to make progress. I'm flying high now and that's scary...I am setting myself up for another crash...but I just feel so damn good right now. Ah, life...it can feel so good, and so terrible...all at once.

Oh man, that's good advice, I know...but am I truly strong enough to handle it? Suspecitng that the dude called during OUR conversation, and that she cut the conversation with me off to talk...that really bothers me. Then again, maybe it WAS her grandma.....there's like a 5% chance she was being honest. How can I trust her when she's pulling that kind of crap? But, I can't force her to be with me...I can't force her to do anything, that'll ruin everything. So, really...what other choice do I have except to take your advice? I know that pushing her into me will kill everything...so I just have to be like you say and keep cool. I don't ask about the other guy hardly at all, so I have sort of been acting like I don't care about him....too much.

But, I don't think she'll be initiating any dates. Do you think I should still do that? At the same time, I don't want to her to get into the habit of expecting me to ask her to do stuff together. But, if I stop...I have no idea how many days it will take before she asks me...if she'd ask me at all. I let her initiate the IMs, but I initiate the phone/get togethers.

Would it be smarter for me to stop? I don't know...if I give her too much free time she might hang out with...HIM.....ugh

I can just picture them hanging out, and her feelings for him rising, for me lowering, and me being shut out completely

Glad I can help with a little of my own situation. What happened with me took extreme patience. It was often very difficult. You will have nights that all you want to do is hang out the way it used to be and thats just not in the cards. but, you will eventually get there if the otehr person is willing and you give time and space. they need to want to be with you....thwey already know you are there for them, so you dont need to feel you need to constantly reinforce it - and, you should know she is there for you too since she is making the effort. You wouldnt need to get this from her when things were good right? You just knew it. so make sure you are acting that way...

Well, I always thought she would be there for me back when things were good...but I was sadly mistaken.

I don't necessarily want her to think I'll ALWAYS be there for her, that's not true. She cannot think that it's okay for her to pursue constant contact with this other guy. I can't stand for that, it's not right.

That's my biggest fear, that she doesn't REALLY want to be with me. That she's just hanging on to memories, and weening herself off of me.

Then, everytime something doesn't feel like it's gone right...those negative feelings are reinforced. That's why I constantly try to find reassurance in her. Or, at least I was. But, I'm trying to stop that, now. I'm trying to be stronger, and care less.

It just doesn't seem like it's helpful to the situation to let her go alone to a graduation party where I know her friends are going to be at...but the guy she originally left me for is there, too. I don't think that by being cool with that, it helps my situation. She's come back to me, good...but why not act a little more like a girlfriend....