flyingspaghetti

Hey all,

It's me again asking for advice.... Only, this time it's romantic advice. A crush.

Over the summer, I signed up for a MySpace account because I found this guy's profile very interesting. He works at a photography studio retouching photos, and he and I talked a bit about that. He seemed thrilled to want to get to know me. I noticed he had "dating" in his profile, so I thought of trying to start a convo to see what happens. We wrote about three times until he stopped. In his last message he apologized because of the divorce process he was going through. He opened up a bit and said, "Enough of my sob story, but I hope to hear back from you." I wrote back and that was when I last heard from him. He's in my Friends list, and he has me as one of his top 8, so I felt pretty special. He was so sweet.

I started talking to a co-worker friend of his and with his sister-in-law (she's married to my crush's older brother). I have invited both of them to hang out sometime, and they are both interested. Of course, we'll hang out at different times. Well, the guy I was originally talking with posted up a new sweet and warm smiling photo of himself, and now I basically am crushing over him all over again. He is just gorgeous and looks down-to-earth and quite sweet. Ohhh... I am swooning over him. I confided this to his sister-in-law, and she opted if I was ready that she would let my crush know.

I am very interested in him. He sounds interesting and is a great father to his kids. He sounds somewhat like me in parts of his profile. What would you all opinionate over giving a "green light" to his sister-in-law about me? Maybe she can help me go out with him or something. Oh, that would be nice. But, I am nervous. Would it be a good idea to have his sister-in-law help me? We are planning on hanging out in person like having some drinks after work or something, and she joked (or maybe was serious?) about inviting this guy too. Afterall, now she knows about my crush over him.

What do you all think?

oh come on, making friends on-line is the most easy thing in life possible. You just goto an pen-pall site, say im lalala and i want to write lalala, and not with a person that stops after 3 lines, i want chain mails.

 

Well there' a bunch of people there, well next to that there's infinite chatrooms, you can chat to everyone you like. Not that its healthy or fruitfull all the time but its easy as hell.

 

Just say HI

 

for a start, then say im person (x) i like (hobby z) and age/sex/location ASL and then start bla bla bla ing.

 

Look, talking is the most normal thing in the world right? So don't think your strange or anything , people won't mind talking to you, if they do you'll notice quickly enough, but don't let that make you stop from meeting new people.

Well, yes, I do understand the basic fundamentals of making friends. No doubt about that. I guess I was just letting off my own personal steam because it certainly feels like I tend to come accross the same pattern with everyone I have written with. Communication just....halts or pauses....

Well, a funny thing happened.... late last night she wrote me a comment saying she hadn't heard from me in a while and would hope to hear back from me. Wow!!! Haha...how funny how we BOTH were thinking the same thing!! That tells me one of our messages didn't go through, and we were both wondering about each other. She was just the first one to make mention of it. I am going to write her a message in a while. That was pretty unexpected but really cool...

What are they?

Without sounding weird but trying to get to know someone to befriend them online first, how do you not sound weird or creepy? I would like to try and talk with a local girl who has some of the same interests (writing, poetry, making friends). We started writing back-and-forth, and it seems like she stopped after her third message to me. It was the same thing with three guys I wanted to befriend prior to her. One of these guys is this girl's husband. It's been eight days since I have heard from her. My own mind is driving me crazy wondering if it was something I said in my last message. But...why do people take it for granted that once you are in their list, they seem to stop after the third message? How can I get to know others if that is persisitently happening.

The thing I find annoying is that people take it for granted that being in someone's Friends list on MySpace (yes, MySpace) they tend to stop writing emails to you. This girl and two of the three guys before her sounded like they all really wanted to write me/get to know me. They have said stuff like, "Well, I hope to hear back from you" and "thank you for writing me. I would like to get to know you more." And these are people who have "Friends" next to their "Here for" part of their profile. But... I am looking to make actual local/in-town friends or at least get to know people, you know. Why do they say these things if they stop writing after three messages?

So, how do I NOT sound creepy? I mean, think about it and please place yourself in my shoes: if you are trying to talk with someone you would like to talk more with and even hang out with, how would you go about it without sounding pushy or impatient (even if I am)? There are qualities of these popel that I really like about them as potential friends. And, the whole "they might be busy" phrase doesn't convince me. I have noticed they get online on an almost daily basis (two of them and the other two are a couple of times per week), and I have seen some of them leave comments on their other friends' pages. So.... what is happening???? Why would people who claim to want to make friends take advantage of just keeping you in their friends' list? And, these people don't have 100s of people either. So, it's not like they just add anyone.

Any ideas? I am just running into corners.

I would be most interested in hearing from people who have actual MySpace accounts and who are somewhat familiar with the interaction that goes on. And, no, I would prefer not to hear things like, "That's why I don't use those things, etc." For one, I am using it to socialize since I have a difficult time in doing so in person, I was recommended to use this website. And I find it odd how I have had the same thing happen with four different people. What is going on? Any of you had similiar experiences on MySpace? Thanks to all replies.

Anyone ever have a friendship really fall apart and then later you converged with someone? Such as months or even years later? I would like to read stories on this. If you guys don't mind, can you share the basics of what happened, what healed over time, and where there any apologies going on, etc, etc? And, how's the friendship like now?

I need personal experiences because I was telling some friends of mine I read it was possible. They asked me, "Where did you hear about this?" I said "online forums", but I can't remember which online forums or what. They find it hard to believe, so I wanted to know if I was just dreaming or if it really was on forums. Thanks.

And to answer your question about e-mail getting bounce back to you? You don't have to have an e-mail bounced back to be on a blocked list, all you need to do is to be added to the "do not Allow" list and he will never see your e-mails.

By "never see emails," what do you mean? Will these emails be stored into a "junk mail" folder or something or just be automatically purged forever? The thing with him is that he has said a couple of times, "I'm going to block you," but when I sent the emails, he has replied to them. We have the same type of email because we use the same type of cable internet access. I checked in those email preferences, and there is no way to block JUST one email address. There's only a way to add all emails one does NOT want blocked. So, I just think he is just been saying that as a bluff because he obviously replied to those emails.

BTW, after that angry email reply he sent the night before last, I replied telling him I used those personal things against him and used them as a mechanism of self-defense because I didn't appreciate his name-calling me either. But I do realize now it's out of anger/frustration on his behalf, but I still wanted him to realize it's no fun for him to just be calling me those names and me not saying anything about it. Well, he replied back in a calm, neutral manner saying something like "That's harsh, but I'm going to block you. Goodbye and goodluck." But.... I haven't sent a message reply for that. Since he was calm in this email, I am going to wait for some time before waiting and saying anything. I would like to apologize again for this and see if he can just calm down. I know he can. I know him too well on his spite-of-the-moment anger. But, for how long? It has to be a while, I'm guessing....

I don't know his reasons for no longer wanting to continue your friendship but like any relationship, he has the right to terminate it.

 

To me it seems like he tried to end it by just disappearing but you were insistant on a reason and/or trying to talk him out of his decision. You said it was the last couple of e-mails in which he started to call you names so though it wasn't thr right thing for him to do I feel it may have been done out of frustration.

Yeah, that's exactly what I am trying to do - try to explain to him that it is possible that people can converge later on. I just wanted to give him some "food for thought" because he himself said he won't lie to me and tell me this was ALL bad. There were good moments he liked. And, him being a loner who doesn't socialize much and just stays at home, I just want him to remember me and later on just give me a chance.

I have ended friendships myself and a 14 year friendship was ended on me.. It does hurt and it is hard because esentially it is a break-up. My best advice would be to perhaps bow out gracefully and respect his wishes. Heal and focus on your other friends and maybe even make some new ones.

 

Also.. I have found that friendships seem to have a natural ebb and flow.

It's a shame that we have commonalities and interests since we first talked in the beginning, but I saw how he was more of a joker person who liked to tease, joke, and banter with his somewhat dry/sarcastic humor. I was confused at first, but then I flowed along with his style. Eventually, we forgot to talk about what we like, and now he's saying, "We don't have a lot in common/interests." But...??? We drifted off TOO far. I also wanted to converge back into talking about these things. There are things I like about him....interest-wise, and I told him that in the recent emails. But if you are really angry/annoyed at a given time, then you aren't really going to listen to ANYTHING until you have cooled down, correct? That's how I feel about this - I want to allow some cool-off period. Is that a good idea?

Is it normal let alone possible to have amamzing and terrible convos with the same person? I talk with this friend a lot one night and we have this amamzing convo and then the next its like one msg every 10mins and its like we're forcing it...

That sounds a lot like what I am going through with a friend. I love our deep convos and interesting and fun convos, but I also hate and detest the ones where we don't get along or get cranky over.

A online friend and I haven't kept in touch for about two months because he wasn't sure if this was a phase or not. I finally approached him about it via email on August 1st (two days ago) to find out what the deal is. It was then that I learned after sending each other email notes back and forth that he came into conclusion that I am no longer a person he wants to associate with. Oh, that hurt a lot!

I tried to explain to him that there is such thing that some friends/people do converge their friendship after a while. So, I was spinning my head trying to explain and convince him of this notion, even after saying that is not something he wants.

I did not like all his cussing and namecalling in the last couple of emails, so I became annoyed. Then, out of anger, I used his personal weaknesses and used them as a mechanism of defense and counterattacked them towards him. Needless to say, he was REALLY pissed and said he was going to block me and how he wished he hadn't told me this stuff. I don't think he blocked me because I sent him an email, and it didn't bounce back to me. Does that mean he really didn't block me???

So, anyway, I told him in the email to calm down and how I only used it as a defense mechanism and for him to get over it. I guess I shouldn't have said that email until I waited some days when he was calm, but I wasn't going to let him take punches at me either. I wanted to be vindictive and hurt him since he called me all those names.

My question - has a similar situation happened to you? What side were you on? Did time heal the wounds? How possible is it to have time pass by before talking again? I have heard that some friendships go through really rocky points and later on get to talk. I'd still like to talk calmly about this with him at some point in the future after he's cooled down.

Has anyone experienced a phase in a certain friendship where your friend has "lost interest" in talking to you and has gone through a phase of not wanting to communicate with the person? Or, have you been the friend who has "lost interest" in talking with the other person and has gone through a phase of not wanting to communicate with you?

How long, on average, does it take until the other person regained interest? Do you think that not talking with your friend or being pushy will help or worsen the situation?

SoMuchLove, wow!! Just reading your situation really reminds me of myself in more ways than one. I also find it difficult getting past that "getting to know each other" phase when meeting new people and befriending them. The only people I have been able to get past that stage are co-worker friends, so I see them because we all work there and have to work there unless someone moves jobs. I know that if I wasn't working with any of these particular co-worker friends, I bet our friendship wouldn't be as ongoing as it currently is because the communication/keeping in touch would no longer be as convenient. Other than that, I never get to make it past that stage with classmates or other people I come accross, unfortunately.

But anyway... I am also in the same boat with a certain friend of mine. And, this person is NOT a co-worker friend, so this is a toughie. When we first met, we used to talk about 4-5 times per week nearly 14 months ago, but then it's become less and less as the months passed by. Part of it was because I tried to force communication because I, like you, really enjoyed talking and sharing personal stuff with my friend. So we gained some trust and sincerity in that manner. I treasure that.

Yeah, as the others have already said, the majority of the "backing off" concepts holds from the suffocation our friends can feel. They may enjoy our presense as individuals, but it does seem quite difficult to maintain that friendship past that "new stage" of the friendship. It is quite easy to feel if we "try" to hold onto a friendship, the better it can become. I know I can easily feel this way to especially people I really want to befriend. That's the test of time, it seems, whether to maintain that or not.

I am in the same situation as you. I have to back off some on the constant communication. I know how you feel about enjoying sharing stuff with your friend. It's the same with me very much. Just biting our lips in doing so. Time should heal all wounds in a way, right? Kinda-sorta similar for these situations.

LOL - just send him an e-mail! no harm in that!

Hehe... Okay... I am just a little nervous, but yeah, I will send it...

how old are you guys?

He's in his mid-20s, and I am in my late 20s.

oh alright, sorry about that. im a little skatterbrained from the Tylenol 3 i just took. its hard to concentrate haha. but yes, definetly go for it. you dont have to come outright and say it, but say a friendly hello adn see what happens.

Hehe... It's no problem! Yeah, something casual sounds do-able.

I think you're putting too much thought into it. You haven't even talked to the guy yet, and you're already concerned about what will happen at future family gatherings. I agree that you should just go for it and send him a message. If things do work out and start to progress, you should let your friend know to avoid awkwardness (and also because you are his friend, right?) -- just mention to him that you met his brother on myspace or something.

You are so right about that. I am reacting too much before I have even gone through a situation. I guess I am so in tuned with thinking up of a "perfect way" to send him a message asking about his interests. He has an interesting job, so I would like to not mess this up. I know...there's no such thing as "perfect," but I am hoping to break the ice....

The point of myspace is to talk to people you wouldn't normally have an opportunity to talk to. If you find this guy interesting, send him a message! Shoot him a hello and see if you can establish a connection! If you want to avoid weirdness with your friend, just tell him that you messaged his brother because he seems interesting. Your friend's reaction will be a foreshadow of how he would react to you actually dating his brother.

Yeah, you're right. I also need to mention that we have been sort of giving each other space, so I am also concerned about that factor with my friend. My friend doesn't want to really hang out or see each other in person because he is a very shy person. Too bad. But, I am hoping that won't make him feel too uncomfortable.

i dont think itd be too werid. after all, youve never met your friend in person. are you positive that theyre brothers? i think you should go for it.

I have actually initially met my friend in person. Then we moved into exclusive online communication. There were a couple of indications and photos on his brother's MySpace that fit the piece of the puzzle of things I know they are brothers, so that convinced me. Thanks for your words! I am strongly considering messaging his brother!

Just wondering - if you stumbled accross a friend's sibling's "MySpace" and saw they were were looking into friendships/dating, would you try to communicate with them if they didn't know you personally? Why? Why not?

Here's a mini story: Last year I developed a crush on this guy, approached him, but I learned he wasn't into dating. We do maintain an "online only" friendship even if we live in the same city. All this time, I can see he is clearly not into dating or hanging out, so I respect that and will leave it at that.

I was then bored the other day and was surfing around for local guys in my city who are into dating. I am looking into dating, but something interesting happened - I came accross one of his older brother's MySpace who is also interested in dating. I like some things in his profile where I would like to get to know him some more and ask him some questions.

The thing is that he is my friend's brother. I really don't want my friend to find out about this. I know his brothers' names and one or two facts about them but that's it. My friend doesn't know I found his brother's MySpace. In fact, I don't even think he knows his brother has a MySpace.

Sooooo.... what do I do? Should I just send his brother messages to communicate with him and see what happens from there? Then if something more happens, then how would I react once I see my friend? I think it would sound too tacky to say, "Oh, what a coincidence! So-and-so was your brother? Hey, friend!"

Would it feel "too weird"? I am more concerned about things developing more or even being friends and hanging out and then "running into" my friend at their family gatherings. I don't know what to say then....

What would you do in this situation?

A couple of thoughts for you...

 

First, I think you are trying too hard to meet people vs. trying to find things you truly enjoy doing. I bet if you engaged in activites you truly enjoy for the sake of doing them to make you happy, the "meeting people" part will take care of itself.

You are correct in the interests and activities. I saw an ad to play ultimate frisbee, and it sounds like a lot of fun. I like the active sport itself, and it would be a great idea to meet others. However, they want membership fees and everything. I do not have the funds for that. A lot of activities and clubs require money, money, and more money. I can't afford that either. *sigh*

Secondly, I have had lady friends post profiles on Internet dating sites and fill up hotmail or yahoo email accounts within a couple of weeks. They get so overwhelmed with email they have to take themselves down. So I don't know how you feel about those sites, but it seems to me a good idea.

I am not totally against it nor totally for it. I think it's based on individualized thoughts and feelings. The problem with me is that I am almost 30, and I have never dated before in my life or even hung out with guy friends. Some of the guys I have met in my life (via work or via crushes) don't really want to hang out with me, so I take it personally. That poses a problem for me....self esteem issues. I would like to have knownt that, at least, ONCE in my life I can go out with a guy first before even trying the online dating thing.

You are doing the right things, and trust me, you probably don't want to date the guys who can't walk up and talk to you anyways.

I don't think that's entirely true. I have heard about guys who like it when a girl approaches them.

I have this problem myself and i'm trying to overcome it. What you're probably doing at this point is reading too much into conversations with other people. Does he like me? Do i like him? Should I talk? Will he like me? etc... IMO, you need to just start talking to people for the sake of talking to people, and nothing else. You don't need a "reason" to talk to someone...just introduce yourself and ask how his day has been going or something.

That's what my friends tell me. I am still quite shyish, so I easily get intimdated by chatterbox people... You know, those who tend to talk A LOT. I get really nervous around them and just feel like running away. I like to talk with people first to get a sense of them and then decide whether or not to pursue their friendship. I don't know. I am just too picky, I guess. But I don't want to be OVERLY picky.

Are you having a problem with being upbeat? If so I sometimes use a technique where a visualize a moment in my life when I was on an absolute high, and feeling powerful. Sounds cheesy but it can help you refocus your attitude.

Good idea. I will have to try that. Thanks!

I talk to ppl randomly everywhere but I don't expect a relationship of any kind from that. That would be too weird.

It's not too weird. It is just something you would not do. Besides, I mentioned in my above post that I like to get a sense of a person first before just wanting to hang out with them. If they are very much like a chatterbox, then I just try and leave shortly after. I get intimdated easily by chatterboxes. Other than that, it's not every person I see/talk with I want a relationship out of. It's just a matter of wanting to find good places to mingle to meet a guy along the way. Possibilities.

What University you go to? Sounds like UCLA.

 

I might start going to the Swing or Salsa lessons on Monday. Best way to find a friend is through dancing I think. You get real close already.

Yeah, unless when you go by yourself to the Swing Dance thing and see everyone else as a couple or with their friends. My friends are all either busy working on those evenings, have kids, or are married/dating, so I don't get a chance to invite them to go with me. Besides, I don't have very many single male friends to accompany me to go dancing.

I was watching a new feature on MSNBC the other day that stated 38% of people meet at work/school and another 34% through family/friends.

Yeah, I heard the same thing too. It's just a pity I do not have very many friends. The ones I have are either busy with family/kids or are married or dating. That's another reason why I want to socialize more - to make more friends.

I also made sure that all of my social contacts knew that I was available for meeting new people and they continually help me to be in situations to meet new people.

Mine do too. One of my friends says all her male friends are potheads and jerks or have children (which I do NOT want to get involved with), so that is out with her social circle.

I am not exactly a social butterfly, but I have been making soooooooo many attempts at "putting myself out there" and getting out more to meet people. I would like to make friends and even try and date guys while I am at it.

My results so far - failed. I don't get it.

I frequent coffeehouses, sometimes I attend this swing dance thing every Monday nights, I try and make small talk with customers at work, etc, etc. I don't have very many local friends, so I don't get to go out with them to other socialable places. The few friends I have are either busy, or I don't want to rely on them 100% of the time. I don't want to sound clingy or anything either. I mean, they have invited me to social outings, but I don't get a chance to mingle with other people nor do guys approach me.

Back to the coffeehouses - I try and smile towards guys I find attractive and want to approach, and I even sit in areas near people my age to try and socialize with them. No luck! They, usually the guys, are busy on their laptops, reading, or they are with friends or with girls or guys.

This is getting VERY frustrating for me, as you can imagine. ](*,)

I don't get it. I just do NOT get it.... I am feeling like I am backed into a corner.

Sooooo my question - WHAT are some good places to meet people? I am mostly alone, so I am not much of a drinker and wouldn't even try going to bars alone. So that is out....

I work as a computer lab aide at my university, so I see a lot of people daily. There is one guy who is sweet and very nice and usually greets me, but I don't know about approaching him to get to know him. I haven't seen him in two weeks, so I don't know if he's still in that class. I have been thinking about attempting to get to know him more. But.... I don't want to just rely on him.

So, my main point is that I WANT to make friends AND also get to know some guys to date them. You know.... the whole conversation and socialization aspect.

I am usually a shy and especially quiet person, and I have always in the past been a homebody and non-socializer. I am finding this whole socialization thing to be a challenge, and it's bugging me.

So... ANY suggestions? Tips? Anything???

Thanks to anyone who can help!!!

Question:

Where are the best places to hang out and socialize to try and meet singles? I know about coffee houses near a univeristy area.... But when I try those places, people end up closed off. They are working on their homework, on their laptop, reading, etc. I have started off some "small talk" towards some guys who sit alone, and we talk a bit. I end up taking initiative by introducing myself and everything. However, when I leave or they leave, there is never ANY further pursuing. I am tired of doing all the initiating. I do not want to "wait" to be approached because no one EVER approaches me.....

I don't go to bars and clubs because I have NO one to go with, and I wouldn't dare go alone - too dangerous.

I am still trying and trying and trying, etc.....

I still have NO luck. People will just NOT approach me. I tend to smile, look around, read, and do this pattern over and over with NO luck. I sometimes feel like I have a sign on my forehead or something that's preventing these guys from approaching me. I try and sit near an open area so I am approachable.

Any other ideas???