JamesTaylor7892

Yeah that's true, my gut feeling tells me that at a point she did like me but she really just didn't have a clue what she wanted in life right now (though its evident it wasn't me haha) and really was all over the place. I don't think you introduce someone to your family, and her best friend I met in person before they went on holiday together if they didn't give a flying toss about you (especially as quickly as she did. That being said her behaviour was hot and cold towards the end, every date I went on with her she would be drinking wine and vaping a hell of a lot. All that said to me the entire time I was with her is this girl is clearly not okay and something probably isn't right with her, though I struggled to come to terms with it because I guess you could say I was a little infatuated with her. 

The last time I saw her we were snuggling on her couch together, kissing and watching tv. She asked me if I was happy and I said yes, I asked her the same thing and she said yes. However I had this inkling that I would never see her again after that night and two days later is when she ended it. Sometimes the gut is worth paying attention to, and all I can say is thank god she ended it when she did and didn't draw this out for months before inevitably ending it in the same way as it only would have prolonged all the hurt and confusion from my side. 

11 hours ago, Lambert said:

She did you a favor by blocking you.  

If things are going to end, the sooner the better. It does hurt and I am really sorry. 

Someone who respects you does not play with your feelings. You deserve a clean break. She is helping you. It's hard to break up with someone.  She is being strong and a decent person. At least in this aspect. 

Time tells all but I hope she doesn't contact you any time soon because that would mean she's not respecting you or herself. It sounds like she has a lot to deal with divorce kids etc.... She in not a good spot to be a partner you deserve.

Respect & block her back.

You'll meet someone else. 

 

 

I completely agree, I think from where I sit blocking her on whatsapp does feel a little childish, and is maybe even bringing myself down to her level (given that she already did it to me on Insta), so for me I feel deleting her number and erasing any record of her on my phone makes more of a statement to myself that I am willing to move on from her and leave her in the past where she belongs. I appreciate what your saying though and Thank you 🙂

17 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Is "Space" name of another man she is seeing? Because when they say they "need space" it usually means they need space from you and want somebody else. Its one of those BS excuses people use just so they could break up and leave.

Anyway, I wouldnt hope for reconciliation. This is over.

I mean hey If it is then good luck to her, and the poor bloke. If rebounding from one person to another is her way of handling the demise of her marriage then it speaks volumes of her character. I know she dated a couple of guys before me after she was separated so maybe she's just out for a spree.

Hi there

A month ago a girl I was dating who I was quite in to ended it. I felt we had a good thing however her reasons did seem valid given that she is about to go through what could be a messy divorce with her ex and they have two young kids involved. She had been separated for a year and had been on a few dates before she met me, but when we did meet there was just an instant connection and we very much enjoyed each others company for a number of weeks. I have been told I was more than likely a rebound given how full on she was (for example a couple of weeks into dating she introduced me t her brother and her mum on facetime on two separate occasions among other things). 

However a month ago she broke it off citing the upcoming divorce as a reason feeling 'overwhelmed' and 'needing space.' I should say that when we were dating that we would speak almost daily but at no point did I ever feel like each of us were over doing it as we both lead quite busy lives. I couldn't help but feel upset but I responded in the best way I knew how which was to respect her honesty and her decision and let her know that if ever one day she wanted to reach out again she could, and we have had absolutely no contact with each other since.

Since this ended I have been on a couple of dates however I think the rejection by her maybe cut me a little more deep than I initially thought, and couldn't help but always feel distracted or not completely myself. I've decided to take a break from dating for a bit to allow myself time to heal from this, going to the gym more, pursuing hobbies and hanging out with friends. 

The one thing that I suppose triggered me recently (hence why I am here posting for advice) is that whenever I would post a story on Instagram (as that's the only social media platform she follows me on aside from Whatsapp), she was always one of the first people to view it. I normally will post a story once a week and this habit did not change but I'd be lying if I said that the stories I were posting weren't anything to do with showing that I was doing okay, when in reality I wasn't really. Even so, I took a break from the stories for a couple of weeks and then very recently noticed that she blocked me.

I do think an ex is an ex for a reason though I did find this behaviour a little odd considering we ended on very amicable terms, and I should mention she hasn't blocked me on Whatsapp... yet. I guess my question is why am I so triggered by her doing this? While I know I really shouldn't worry or care about it because she is now the past, but it does feel like another level of rejection and I suppose I've been struggling in my head to come to terms with it. I've tried to stay on the straight and narrow while I take this time to really focus on myself but I can't help but feel a little hurt by it.

Also, given what I've explained above I have no intention of reaching out to her again (considering how we left it), and while I know none of you have a crystal ball do you think that one day she may reach out again?

Any advice on this I would appreciate, and feel free to tell me if I am overthinking this or dragging myself into a hole unnecessarily.

Thank you

James 

Thank you everyone for your comments. I will learn my lesson and move forward.

36 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This is called "lovebombing" and it's a red flag.  

For your part, you need to be the leader and slow things down otherwise what happened with her will continue to happen with other women who do same.

Also, clearly she was on the rebound, another red flag.  

That is what is meant by pay attention.  You simply cannot allow yourself to get caught up in her fantasy.  

It's all good, lesson learned....

I'm 31 years old and I've never heard that term in my life but upon googling it does sound chillingly familiar to what happened with her 😞 like you said, lesson learned. 

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^She still may be but felt you weren't the right fit for her.  Like she said, she felt overwhelmed, it was too much too soon.

I'm sorry you got disappointed but there IS a lesson to be learned from this.

No matter how intoxicating the chemistry, slow down.  Pace yourself.  Slow and steady.  Pay attention to actions and act accordingly.

All the best moving forward!!

I take your point, I think the only thing I would say is that she also probably rushed things a little from her side too. After two weeks of dating she was sending me links for spa hotels we could spend the weekend together. She also introduced me to her brother on facetime, her mum on a separate occasion, plus she wanted me to meet her best friend before she went on holiday. 

Even when she said we needed to slow down her words were 'we're both as crazy as each other.' SO I think we were both at fault in that regard. 

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So she's not even divorced yet but she was already on a dating site? Interesting.

I'm glad she did you the courtesy of telling you. Now you can move forward.

Oh, and I recommend being proactive about dating others. Don't wait around in case she changes her mind. 

Yeah I agree, its interesting because her profile said she was looking for something long term. Though clearly she wasn't up to it in the end. Oh I'm not waiting around, have already got a date lined up with someone new next Tuesday 🙂 

Still hurting though but I'll be okay.

6 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I don't see where you posted the messages... 

She probably enjoyed having someone around to take her mind off of what she has going on.

That's just too much at this stage in the game. She is probably very aware that you are well meaning and sincere, and a great guy, but not someone she can pour energy into right now. This divorce she is only going to be able to think about her legal and financial future related to it. Her kids also will need time and energy.

I can so understand you being disappointed and feeling gutted, especially when you felt the resonance between you. But all you can do is accept her assessment of the situation. It isn't that you guys were a poor match, that you did this wrong or that -- it all has to be shelfed because she is in no place to handle it all.

She's not even divorced and for all you know, not even fully separated. It is a huge undertaking.

Forget about her, why consign yourself to being some little sidelight of attention during a major stage in her life?

Messages have been approved and posted above my comment. Thank you, I appreciate what your saying and I totally agree, no point in opening myself up to someone who just isn't ready. 

Hey,

So just to update you guys, its unfortunately over as of this Tuesday.

In total we only dated for a month but I can't help but feel quite gutted about this one. We met up last Sunday up her way (first time since she came back from holiday on the Friday), went for Nando's then drove back to hers and relaxed on the couch in the evening together watching TV. At that time she still spoke in a positive way to me about things we could do together in the future like go to the gym, see a concert etc. but I couldn't help but feel something was off. She was vaping a lot and had a few glasses of wine, though to be fair every time I've seen her that's been the case. I had this inkling that there was something she wanted to get off her chest but I didn't go there out of fear of what the answer might be. 

She did talk to me a bit early into meeting up about the situation with her ex, how she needed to get a lawyer as they will be starting divorce proceedings. She mentioned how controlling he was financially and how she's uncertain as to what the custody agreement for her kids will be and that he will try and hide money from her etc. She had mentioned this to me before on an earlier date but I think she downplayed it a bit. 

I've attached our final messages to each other to this post. I can't help but feel sad, in the past year I've dated a number of girls but none came close to her in terms of emotional connection, we were on the same page about everything however maybe in this case the timing just wasn't right and I have no choice but to allow her to move on. I do get her point that this divorce could very well get messy and it will probably take every ounce of energy she has (particularly because she has two young children involved) that she can't commit to a relationship right now. My theory is maybe through me she found what she thought she wanted and then realised she wasn't up to the task. I don't think she realised maybe that she wasn't in the right headspace for it, maybe I pushed her away by saying things like 'miss you' and 'can't wait to see you' and that was all too soon for her.  I'm really not sure, but this one did feel like a kick to the gut if I'm honest.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

James

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I didn't get the impression he's "bombarding" her with texts. I wouldn't consider one good morning and one goodnight text per day to be a bombardment.

But perhaps, James, you have been texting her all day every day? If so, then absolutely dial that back. You two are not in a committed relationship. Although if you were, all day every day texting would still be too much for me (although some couples just love doing that!)

No, absolutely not. Bombardment is definitely not what I've been doing, even from day one. In fairness I've got a full time job, go to the gym 3-4 times a week, have two dogs and my daughter who recently has been living with me 90% of the time. So frankly I have a lot on myself, just like her. I don't feel I've given her the impression I'm too available either but I guess I'm a bit old fashioned in that when I like someone I like to hear from them at least once a day. She said she doesn't mind this and interestingly since she's been away and I've given her some space she's been sending me photos throughout the day and giving me updates without me asking. 

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

The question here is whether OP has to slow down texting or other stuff, like initiating dates, talking about parents, future plans etc… OP, tell me if I’m wrong but she said she enjoys your texts, and she « introduced » you to her mom and a friend of hers right? I don’t understand what exactly you have to slow down here…

Yes its true, she does say she enjoys the texts. I've backed off a little initiating conversations with her because I want her to enjoy her holiday but on a couple of occasions she has reached out to me which I like. I guess we'll have to see how things pan out when she's back in the country but the last thing I want is to pressure her, so I'm just going to wait for her to suggest when she next wants to meet.

Thank you for your advice guys, I do appreciate it. One thing I guess I would say with regard to the texting that I didn't mention in the original post is that when I saw her Saturday night and we were opening up to each other I asked her straight up if she liked the 'good morning'/'goodnight' texts or if it was too much. She said she liked it, as it shows the guys willing to make an effort. Again, this guy she was seeing before who wasn't completely honest with her apparently would text her sporadically and she didn't like that.

However, with that in mind I personally feel it needs to be a two way street. Sometimes she'll text to see how my days going but more often than not its me who reaches out to her. I think putting my foot on the brakes slightly with it wouldn't be a bad thing at this stage and again like all of you say, its only been three weeks. I think leave her to enjoy her holiday and if she wants to reach out to talk she knows where I am. 

24 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Sounds like a combo plate: she's trying to weave into the rest of her life while you're being too intense.

I'd back off and get some air while respecting that she needs to do the same.

I agree, I really do appreciate your advice. 

20 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Nobody 'owes' anyone consistency at a few weeks of dating. 

You're sounding way too hard core. This might be what she has reservations about. 

By inconsistency I mean some days she will be very up for talking to me and others she's a bit more aloof, but I take your point absolutely. At the end of the day we've barley known each other a month so its just not worth getting hung up on. I guess I just wanted an insight as to why she's been so mercurial of late. But I doubt anyone on this forum could answer that, only her.

9 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

At this point if you have been consistently sending the good night texts you deviating from that will cause her to believe you have lost interest & that will make things worse.  

Again, let her catch her breath but some time this week ask about an easy low pressure date soon but do give her some notice & be flexible. 

Okay, I personally feel like doing it though gives her the impression that I'm willing to deal with her inconsistency. Do you feel that maybe by not messaging back I'm putting my foot down and giving her the opportunity to maybe (dare I say it) miss me and reach out for contact? 

11 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Good. It's not just about the 'work' of setting up dates, it's about allowing for yourself and the other to catch your breath and reflect between the dates. Too much, too soon is suffocation. There really is no coming back from that.

This woman had these events lined up, and she's running from one thing to the next. Let her catch her breath instead of pushing her to stay running on a hamster wheel. Pressure doesn't feel 'good'.

No I completely get what your saying. I normally give her a text goodnight, but do you think tonight I should just leave it and wait until she initiates contact again? I'm just so rubbish at this stuff 😂

26 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

It's only been a few weeks, and you're still strangers at this point. Pipe down. Allow for a natural progression, and appreciate that nobody can fully trust anyone during the storm of a whirlwind.

I'd pull back and allow her to settle into some reflection and deliberation of choice. That's how both you and she will be able to trust that your next future date is fully voluntary. Don't pressure her to trust you--that has the opposite effect. Think: whenever someone rushes into anything, it's usually about persuasion, and nobody likes to feel manipulated.

Head high, and congrats on meeting someone fabulous. Tread gently.

Thank you for your great advice, I think I'm going to reign it in a little and leave her to it. If she reaches out then thats good. At the end of the day I feel the beginnings of the relationship need to happen organically with both sides making a conscious effort as opposed to one side feeling like they're doing all the work. If its meant to be its meant to be.   

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's only 21 days. Take a deep breath. I don't think she's rebounding or on vacation with someone else. It seems like you don't know her too well after just 21 days. Give each other space and allow each other to at least get to know each other better.

Slow down. Her apprehension is from ex and custody nightmare stories so please manage that. Focus on your budding relationship and organize your custody arrangements without rancor. 

Thanks, I think your probably right. I guess its just been a long time since I've gone on a date with a girl where I just felt such an instant connection and am too in my own head because I don't want to f it up.

7 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Could a rebound kinda deal. 

True, though she's been apart her ex for over a year. But who knows...

Hi there

Just looking for a 3rd party opinion on my situation with a girl I've been dating for a few weeks now.

So we met on a dating app around 2-3 weeks ago and from date one we immediately hit it off. So much so that she cancelled another date she had the following evening to drive up to see me again. We then had two more dates and by the fourth one after we went to a nice restaurant she asked if she could stay over mine, I said sure and we ended up having sex. 

We've had a very good connection from the get go and in between seeing each other we text everyday and some days though not often we'll call each other though we both lead quite busy schedules. She has two kids 3 and 5 with her ex who she has split custody with and I have a 4 year old daughter who occasionally but not consistently (routine has been a nightmare for my ex to stick to) stays with my ex, but currently is with me most of the time.

This girl says I tick all the boxes for her yet I can't help but feel there's an apprehension on her side. She says she wants something serious and a guy who's willing to commit which I definitely am as a guy she was seeing apparently had a double life and was just using her for sex. She's also talked about introducing me to her family and actually facetimed her mum with me on the fourth date while we were out so I could meet her. She did send a message the following week saying things were moving quite fast and that we should pace ourselves at a normal speed, to which I said sure. I think we were both a bit hyper by suggesting spa weekends, festivals, meeting parents etc.

When I last went to her house two nights ago she as packing for a holiday with her best friend who was staying over and I ended up meeting, and she seemed a very nice girl. Prior to her coming she did open up to me about how she'd been hurt previously, how she isn't sure if she fully trusts me yet (understandable considering its only been 3 weeks of knowing each other), and that she has concerns that my ex being difficult. I told her not to worry, that I am committed to her, that I like her and the issue with my ex will be resolved that she just needs a little patience. We held each other and kissed for a long time before I eventually left late that evening and since she's gone on holiday I can't help but feel like there's an uncertainty there still with her about me. Yes we've been contacting each other still and she's been sending me pictures of her holiday etc. however today when I suggested getting a nanny to meet up this weekend when she's back she said she's already booked a spa weekend away with her friend. Nothing wrong with that of course only she hasn't suggested an alternative date to meet yet, just left it like that.

I may be overthinking it but I'm not sure whether I should leave the ball in her court to suggest another time to meet, or I suggest it myself? All I can say is if she really is as interested in me as she says she is surely she would be looking forward to making some plans together again but right now I just get a gut feeling she's still not sure what she wants from this, and still doesn't fully trust me given she's been hurt previously like she said. That being said I don't think I can be doing anything differently than what I have been to help win her trust. 

Any advice on how to approach this I would really appreciate.

Thank you

James