ClareB

On 4/6/2024 at 2:29 PM, Andrina said:

I've been through the same with certain cousins and friends, although without the toxic words. For me, it was just fading away and it was clear they meant more to me than I ever did to them.

Just know you're not alone in your experience. 

I'm sorry to hear this, I know what your going through, I hope things will get better.

Thanks everyone, there's really good advice that I'm going to take on board.

I just want to clarify that I'm not saying that my cousin is a horrible person for not wanting to be my friend, it's the way she treats me when we are alone that I have a problem with.

Having said that, it is upsetting that she doesn't want me as a friend but she doesn't have to and that's okay.

It's just hard as another cousin lives very close to us and I see both of them walking together very regularly outside my house, this other cousin is single too and doesn't have a child. It's hard not to feel left out but I accept that they probably don't like me enough to include me and they shouldn't have to, I completely get that.

I just thought she viewed me as a friend as in front of other family members, she hugs me and is so friendly to me, saying we should do all these activities together but is then completely different when it's just the two of us.

I grew up with her, we spent our childhood in each others homes and I always kept in touch with her when she was abroad but the connection has completely changed.

I'm just going to accept it, move on and keep my distance.

Thanks.

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

Yes,  yes and more yes!  I've been in your shoes.  Most definitely.  I don't bother complaining and explaining the situation to mutual family members.  It's highly unlikely you'll get their loyalty.  They will play both sides of the fence.  Been there,  done that. ☹️

The best thing to do is disengage.  Don't comment.  Don't bite the bait.  Don't add fuel to the fire.  Don't get in the mud.  Never let another person get a rise out of you because even your negative energy is giving them your power supply.  Never give other people the satisfaction that anything go to you. 

Sure,  remain well mannered,  respectful,  polite and cordial while maintaining a cool,  frosty distance.  It works for me as it will work for you.  Learn to detach.  Don't linger otherwise conversations will grow which you want to prevent.  Walk away a lot.  You can still remain tactful yet unemotional and disinterested.  This strategy works wonders. 

In your mind,  you envision the relationship as dead.  Don't add anymore life to it.  Continue moving on in your brain.  Your attitude and actions or non-actions will follow in autopilot.

You can't change people.  They are who they are.  All you can do is control yourself to your favor,  enforce strict boundaries for your mental well being and proceed from there.  This is how you navigate uncomfortable and infuriating relationships.  Exercise self control. 

The best revenge is to do nothing.  Cut off her power supply.  Your silence will speak volumes.  Silence is extremely powerful.  🙂

Whenever you do nothing,  you don't give the other side a chance to respond to anything.  It's your most powerful wall of all.  👍 😉

Also,  another best revenge is to NOT CARE.  Some people want any type of attention whether positive or negative.  Whenever you don't give it to them,  it's most frustrating and maddening for them.  Internally,  this is your time to feel giddy while donning your best poker face.  😐 😶

Thanks so much, that's really great advice, I will definitely take it on board. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this, I will be re-reading it, it really resonates.

45 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I'm probably saying this because I don't really have much family and I'm estranged from some of my cousins or they live overseas. Also most of my cousins are male and only one is female but I never really knew her as she always didn't really have interest in me.

This is just another perspective and maybe I have that perspective as someone who's only close to my mother and that's it. Even though she's your cousin, you are related, but outside of that maybe you two don't have a connection. Like for example, if you met each other at work or university, you wouldn't necessarily be friends.

You do want to be "friends" with her and you're being really nice. I think that's great you really made the effort and you were supportive and accepting of her sexuality as well. However it seems to me that for whatever reason she's not really feeling that "click" or connection with you. Maybe she feels more click with your sister and also because they're both Mums of toddlers and their kids can play together and so on.

Although it seems unfair but if she's not feeling close to you I don't think she has an obligation to be friends and go for coffee, etc. She does have to be polite and friendly to you because you're family but if she's not feeling connection I don't think she has to force herself. For example my best friend has a lot of cousins and I know she basically never speaks to them and feels awkward when she's around them. She even recently didn't go to a family dinner became she's shy and feels drained to make a lot of small talk with her cousins. 

Personally if I didn't feel much rapport with a family member I wouldn't push myself to hang out with them just to be nice. I would be nice and friendly of course, never rude. I'd chat at family events and probably wish them a Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, etc. But I just think life is short so it's best to spend it with people who do genuinely like and want your company. Rather than people where it's just you making the effort and you're not getting much back. 

I agree with you that your cousin sounds kind of rude and she should have said something supportive about your dog passing away. But I'm not sure she's having a dig at you, although I don't know. People will sometimes make silly comments like "your plants are your baby" if someone is really into pot plants for example. I'm not sure if it's meant to be malicious. I'm also not sure if it's malicious that she hangs out with your sister more. Maybe she does like your sister more or maybe it's because they have more in common because they're mothers with kids the same age.

Thanks, yes, I completely agree with you. She doesn't have to like me, we shouldn't have to click automatically just because we are related. I have a lot of cousins whom I'm not friends with but I will still be civil with them and not try to put them down.

I didn't go into it in detail but there were several times I met my cousin where she has been very snappy, irritable with me for no reason. She got very irritated once where she gave out to me, she apologized about it after but I didn't want to meet up with her alone after that little outburst.

I'm just hurt because of this low level hostility from her and passive-aggressive comments, I shortened my post and stuck with the one meeting that happened last week but there are many more comments in the past.  I don't think she's being malicious but unfortunately based on previous experiences with her, I think she's being purposely hurtful.

I'm not going to make any effort to meet up with her in the future but I know I'll be bumping into her and I dread any more similar comments that she might make.

1 hour ago, Coily said:

I have to ask, is she still a single mother or is the second pregnancy with more than a sperm donor? I just wonder if that is playing into this whole situation. There are some women who wear that "single mother" badge as a right to be rude and obnoxious, and have people blindly defend her.  (No, dear forum readers that's not a blanket statement; but I've seen it one time too many.)

 

I will put it this way, I have a few relatives who treat me poorly and other family will defend them. I make no attempt to ever pretend to like one individual, I usually just tell them when they are trying to get snappy with me "I don't have time for your pettiness." and then walk off. Not saying that would work for you, but being dismissive of a jerk is acceptable.

She is still single but she plans on dating again. She came out as gay a few years ago and I was very supportive, I told her it made no difference whether she was gay or straight, she could still have a family and supported her decision to use a sperm donor, I gave her a lot of reassurance that it would be okay. 

52 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I have an aunt who is like that. She likes to meddle so she always has comments like “OMG when are you gona get married so I could dance at the wedding” and similar. 

Anyway, I like to think family and friends mean well to you. But that they dont think how their comments rub on other person. For example you took her saying how she wanted to get pregnant before its too late(which isnt aimed at you) as an insult because you think its aimed at you not having a family on your own and you are older then her. While in actuality, that comment might not be a jab at you.

See, people are not empaths. Heck, many people lack empathy and are self- absorbed. They dont think how their comment will rub you wrong not because they want to rub you wrong, but because they just want to say something. She wanted to boast how she is pregnant again. That is about it. Maybe just wanted to ask about your job or to mention how you lost your dogo because she didnt said sorry. But it rubs you the wrong way because it comes out wrong to you and you think its said to hurt you. Which I dont think its her ultimate intention. She just doesnt think how her words came out to you.

I completely understand what you are saying but these comments have been going on for the past 4/5 years along with not looking at me, ignoring me when we're walking on the same street, I wave but there's nothing back from her. She's usually very balanced/measured and deliberate in what she says to people, she doesn't just blurt stuff out. From her actions, tone of voice, etc, I think she does want to throw digs at me. 

Regarding my dog, my mom used to walk him a lot and my cousin was very sympathetic to her, saying how sorry she was and how sad it was but was completely blasé to me about it.

41 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

OK maybe a total coincidence but I'll share this OP with the purpose of -I hope you feel better about this and I'm really sorry you've endured this jerky treatment

In 2005 I was single and childless -well I had just started an exclusive relationship with a boyfriend -my future husband! - but it was only a few months having gotten back together.  We were late 30s.  I invited him to my friend's bday party for her 1 year old -she invited us.  She used a sperm donor and was single (went on to have 3 more babies on her own with the same sperm donor).  I came and brought a gift.  In front of my bf and me, after I said "oh he's so adorable!" she said "aren't you jealous?? don't you wish you had one??" She knew I most certainly did want a baby but only with a husband in a stable happy marriage. My boyfriend was APPALLED.  He was shocked she could be this rude.

I did think she had something to "prove" and 3years later she joyfully called me to tell me I could get an appointment that just opened up for artificial insemination (which I'd never told her I wanted to do).  I didn't tell her that I was in my first trimester -and getting married -(and she didn't tell me she was preggers with her third).  I think she really wanted maybe validation?

Yes we stayed friendly -but that comment..... so I cannot imagine how you've endured you have.  I'm really sorry to her that.

Omg, that's horrible, so strange, it's so weird that people act like this, we will never figure them out. Congratulations though, sounds like you have a beautiful family 😊

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to post about this.

I just want to stress that I haven't been telling family about her in order to *** about her, I only spoke to one of my sisters twice about her in order to get some understanding about what was going on. I wanted my sisters opinion but she wouldn't get into a discussion about this and seemed insulted by my bringing it up even though I wasn't trying to turn her against my cousin. I genuinely just wanted to figure out what was going on.

I spoke to my mom about her and my mom was shocked. I'm not trying to turn my mom against her, I wouldn't feel good about that, I'm not a ***y person but I want my mom to know what's happened with no hidden motives. 

I haven't told my other sisters or my friends. I have one good mutual friend with my cousin snd I've never said any of this to her. I don't want to put people against my cousin, I just wish she could be a lot nicer.

It's not just the last encounter that I'm upset about, it's the past 4/5 years, since she moved home. There's been countless smarmy comments that I've shrugged off, even  ignoring me on an isolated narrow country lane, when both our cars slow down to a snails pace to pass each other and we are only inches from each other and I give her a big wave but she just ignores me. These things keep happening and I just give up.

I just can't act as though nothing has changed but I will be civil and friendly from a distance to her, I don't want to cause tension or drama within the family.

Thanks so much to everyone's advice/opinions. I definitely will continue to distance myself from her. 

It's just hard as she's so nice to the rest of my family, she meets up with my sister regularly, they both have toddlers the same age and my sister won't hear anything said against her. My mom ignores the situation and is always praising her. I guess that's life, I just need to try not to get upset and focus on other things and ignore any future digs.