Rita_S1996

On 3/31/2024 at 11:18 PM, ShySoul said:

To clarify, I meant why would it matter now. I agree in the importance of education and in using birth control/protection. I would never make light of such a serious topic.

In this case specifically, they should have used protection. Rita even admitted it. However they didn't and she got pregnant. No amount of admonishment or debate on the topic can change that. So in my mind the real concern is what to do going forward. As long as they are both willing to work together to try and do right by the child, everything else is to be a side topic. The child is first and foremost.

Anyway, if you read this Rita, hope things are alright for you and the child to be.

Thank you and yes they are. We set up the baby registries this week. Everyone knows about it now, nothing is a secret. Jerry' oldest daughter has offered anything she can do to help, even though she's three hours away. We had a long talk on the phone about pregnancy and stuff like that. I feel that its easier to talk to her than my mom or a relative. None of my close friends have kids yet.

I have noticed my sex drive is higher than normal. We've been having a lot of sex, more than we ever had prior to me getting pregnant and its been great. I would imagine that the bigger I get, the more uncomfortable it will become. 

Jerry had another kidney stone right before Easter which was his 50th, so I did what I could to help him get through that ordeal. Some people at work got him a card last Monday congratulating him on #50! Odd humor I guess.

He's been nothing but helpful and I can tell he really wants this baby. I also get the impression that he would like to get married. Maybe it has to do with the last girl he was with, Lexi. She had the baby and gave it up for adoption. I know it bothered him and he said he wanted to marry her and proposed a handful of times only to get turned down. I have a feeling this is his second chance and he wants to make it work. Maybe I wrong, idk. Time will tell. 

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Half of these children are adults who should be taking care of themselves, so not really a factor in terms of financial support. Not sure why that keeps getting brought up or why it even matters. Also not sure why it matters why they had unprotected or didn't get a condom. Nor does it matter how many children he has. What matters is the two of them being loving parents to the children they will be having. And it sounds like they have a good start.

Rita, best wishes for all three of you.

Thank you!

14 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I wouldn't call it promiscuous -but I would call it a pretty laissez-faire attitude towards procreation.  Sowing wild oats, if you will.  

Oh boy!

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

One of my friends had an affair with a married coworker. She became pregnant and had the child. Pretty much everyone at work who knows who they are knows about it (it's difficult to hide a growing child). Interestingly, most of the talk was about what a POS the guy is since he basically abandoned my friend and never acknowledged the child or provided any sort of support, even when my friend was hospitalized for pregnancy complications or when the child was born very prematurely and was in the NICU for weeks. The child is about to start grade school and everyone at the workplace kind of forgot about who the child's father is. 

So maybe some initial gossip, but people will move onto other topics. 

That's a very unfortunate situation. 

10 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Yes. Nobody cares because everyone got their lives to worry about. But yea, water cooler topic for days, weeks and months. After the baby is out, "What a cutie!!" 

You're fine having his child, and he's happy to be a dad at his age. Good news around.

I mean after we came back, his kidney stone seemed to be the topic of discussion. One of the guys he works directly with promised a party for when he has #50! 😅

You'd think he'd want to brag about the "good time" we had and maybe he did, but none of it ever got back to me. I would think most men would brag about that kind of stuff and exaggerate, especially younger men would I think. 

3 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

Rita, if I understand the reason you posted to begin with, it's because you're worried about what people will think?

Reading through all of this, there seems to be a lot of moving pieces, and a lot of misunderstandings based on all those pieces.

Whether you have 1 baby or 10 with a man who has 1 baby or 10 is no one else's business.

The question I have for you is, why does it matter?

Are you prepared to care for this child?  If so, then what does it matter what anyone thinks?

I think I got flustered because of the age difference and we both work at the same company. The more I think about it, you're right its no one else's business. People like to talk, but at the end of the day they don't care what you do.

2 hours ago, Lambert said:

Hi @Rita_S1996

I say congratulations! Its not how you wanted it, but you want the baby. The dad likes kids. You had a lot of fun making her or him 😉

I think people can be quick to judge and all... but be a good mom, and that's what they'll remember.

It's shocking at first, but once the baby comes, it's a blessing. The good people around you will more than welcome the fun of a cute little baby❤️

I for sure had fun. lol. Thank you for not being hyper critical. 

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He doesn't sound like a deadbeat dad at all so figuring out his finances is pointless. The important thing is whether you want to continue separate lives or eventually live as a family once the child arrives. 

Exactly. And its not like he went into work today and bragged about getting me pregnant. He didn't tell anyone to my knowledge yet. He indicated to me that he wasn't going to say anything and leave it up to me.

2 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

This person has 4 baby mamas, and you make the 5th one.  Unless you live in a impoverished country, a six figure salary doesn't stretch far.  In fact, he's just a straight up horn-dog who likes to blur the lines using the workplace as his place to hunt ladies to impregnate.

Congrats on your kid, but I wouldn't expect much from this guy, other than the typical can't keep his pants on deal.

I guess we'll find out. I have no evidence to indicate that that will happen. His oldest daughter is very close to him, his 9 year old son is close to him, his two teens, not as much, but he still sees them. 

56 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

The very first time they had sex could be "in the heat of the moment" but once they became sexually active, unless they both want to make a baby together, the responsible thing to do is get on some sort of birth control.

Condoms break or can be "forgotten" (which I don't buy for one second - he most like hates the feeling with condoms, most men do so he intentionally forgot), jmo on that.

So it's smart and responsible for the woman to get on some sort of birth control herself. 

Especially before a vacation when she (and he) both knew there would likely be lots of sex.  Which is precisely what happened.

I asked OP earlier why she didn't get on some sort of birth control AFTER their first time having sex which I do acknowledge may have been in the heat of the moment, but she hadn't answered. 

That said, again what's done is done, the most important thing right now is the health of your baby during your pregnancy and after and making sure he/she is properly cared for, financially and emotionally and loved.

 

 

Yes, we're both a fault. What's done is done. Like I said his reasoning he forgot to bring them which are apparently the only good ones that he likes are that he had just finally passed that kidney stone, got a hold of me with the possibility of a new shorter trip if I said yes, which I did and then he had to hurry up and get everything ready, packed and re-arrange a bunch of other things and it just slipped his mind. I do believe he doesn't like condoms. I figured that kidney stone might have knocked him down a peg or two, but it didn't.

3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well yeah and the kids who are in their 30's are actually adults now so he doesn't have to take care of them or financially support them. I'm sure they still have a relationship with them but they're living their own life. 

Each one of them lives about 3 hours away, one to the north and one to the east in the next state. His oldest son who is 33, isn't married, no kids, and doesn't really associate with anyone. I guess he rarely even shows up to holidays at his mom's house. I haven't met him, but I'm told when I do, he won't say much. His daughter who is 31, is the exact opposite. She's married and has two kids that are 4 and 6. She's great for as much as I've known her the last 6 months. I've met her twice and we're FB friends. I honestly can see her being happy about this. 

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like he sired a lot of children and seems financially capable of supporting them, whether their mothers ever actually live with him like family or not.  So in that sense you're fine because your child will be taken care of whether you become a family or not. 

Correct.

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

I think that you guys aren't really reading her posts correctly. She said that he had a baby with an intern in 2021, not that she was 21. I mean, the intern may have been young or not, we actually don't know. For example I was doing a course and to complete that course you had to do a six week full-time placement/internship with a company. I was 26 - 27 when I did that.

I know on the outset it looks like Jerry sleeps around or something because he has a few kids with different women but not literally all those women were just a one night stand or something. It sounds like he was in a serious relationship or marriage with the mothers of the first two older kids, the 17 and 18 year old, and the 9-year-old. Maybe he likes kids and those women had no kids and they wanted them. He didn't abandon the intern and the child but it was her decision to give the child up for adoption.

In my opinion the outcome of this is actually positive. Even though Jerry is 56 but some women got pregnant to a guy their own age and the guy wanted nothing to do with them or the baby. In this case Jerry wants to be supportive. 

If OP wants kids in general then this is an opportunity to do it. I know people who really wanted kids and they used many rounds of IVF but nothing worked. We just don't know what's going to happen in future and what opportunities we have in life. Again this is only if the OP herself wants to have the baby. I'm pro choice so it's her decision.

Thank you for understanding it and getting it spot on! He was married twice, had two kids with each marriage. He's not some dead beat dad to them and like I said earlier, three of them are over 18, one is 17, one is 9. We both of good, stable career jobs as well.

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Hopefully you have supportive friends and family because it seems like you're on your own. Do you work? Who is going to provide childcare and support for the child? It seems like "Jerry"  has a lot of kids everywhere and doesn't want you living in his house. Kidney stones are not babies. Please get accurate information. 

Please read the postings before making a conclusion. I'm a chemist. I don't want to live with him right now, as I've stated in multiple postings that I want to keep things the way they are for right now.

Just now, itsallgrand said:

And what do you think about all that?

I can tell you, with all those kids, he's not going to have the time nor money to splash around so a lot is going to fall on you. Gonna be hard. Poor kids .

Well, three of the kids are 18+, one is 17, one is 9. You must not have read everything. He pays child support for mainly one of them. He's the manager of an engineering department and has a master's degree in mechanical engineering. He makes six figures. Gotta get the facts out there.

13 minutes ago, Rita_S1996 said:

I would prefer not to go that route. I do want kids, I just didn't plan on it so soon.

I don't think he was shocked. He's actually really happy about this.

Here's where some of you might take my head off...

Yes, he's 56 and has a 9 year old son. He also has a 33 year old son (he lives 4 hours away and they're not close), a 31 year old daughter (married, 2 kids, lives one state over) she's super close with Jerry and we comment on each other's posts on FB/social media, so we get along well. He has two other daughters from his second marriage, they're 18 and 17 and then his 9 year old son from an ex-girlfriend. He also had a baby in 2021 with an intern that worked where we do, but she gave the baby up for adoption. He said he didn't want her to, but ultimately he felt it was her decision to be made and supported what she wanted to do. When he told me about that, I could tell that it really bothered him. Maybe this is his second chance at that since I want to keep the baby?

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I'm wondering about this, too. 

He might think he will be a better dad now that he was with his other children, but let's be real: he is nearing 60. It is unlikley he will have the same energy to keep up with a baby and toddler, even if he wanted to. He will be 70+ when that child is a teenager.

Can it work? It is possible. But I wouldn't count on him being able to offer the same energy and attention to parenting that someone much younger (you) could. Not at this stage of his life. 

I want to keep the living situation the way it is for now and see how things go.

Possibly, but everyone is different. It today's world 56 isn't really old anymore, so they say. The only health issues I know he deals with is high blood pressure in which he takes meds for and his issues with kidney stones which he has been dealing with off and on for awhile. I know he takes a med for that, but I'm not sure what it is. He's pretty careful in how he eats and what he drinks due to it.

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dunno, if I am 56 I would trully be shocked that I still have "swimmers" lol

That is good to hear. Age difference is a bit worrying andyes, you wont get too much of a social acceptance. But you are in a relationship and you will have a baby together so try to make it work.

Are there any plans to be a family together? Or is he just offering help without any plans to commit?

I read that men can produce swimmers well into their 60s and 70s.

Right now I want to keep things the way they are, living situation-wise. I want to see how things go between now and then.

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you told him and he accepted it. Do you have plans to further the relationship? Such as living together, being a family, getting married? 

It's interesting he avoided that conversation and simply offered to be there for the birth. 

You need to see a physician for an evaluation of your physical health and pregnancy. Please get appropriate prenatal care and follow through.

It doesn't matter what "Jerry" thinks about kidney stones and birth coaches. If you two want to do Lamaze or whatever when the time comes, that's fine.  But please get appropriate prenatal care and advice. 

 I honestly want to keep it the way it is for right now. We'll see how things go between now and when the baby arrives. I live with a roommate friend and she's a pretty supportive person, despite her being against the age difference.

6 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

I guess you are against abortion?  

This guy has a 9-year-old child at the age of 56.  As he already was an older dad maybe he won't be as shocked as you think and given that you had lots of unprotected sex, he actually shouldn't be shocked at all.

I would prefer not to go that route. I do want kids, I just didn't plan on it so soon.

I don't think he was shocked. He's actually really happy about this.

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I was in labor for about 24 hours and had a near-emergency C section.  You don't have to have a birthing coach - I didn't - you can but not essential -you will make those choices at the appropriate time.  I've heard passing a kidney stone is worse. It is an ordeal and in my case involved surgery.  I learned the best thing to do was realize and accept it's a time when a lot is out of your control so we do our best to stay healthy and have good medical care.

I am glad he's happy. Since he is not married to you please make sure you take care of all the financial practicalities however that works where you live as far as establishing him as the father in case he changes his mind about being so supportive. Keep paperwork too and paper trail of everything you need just in case.  

I haven't even thought that far as to marriage.

Yes, I will keep that all in mind.

Complications are what mainly scare me in regards to the birth. Labor pains do too, but not as much.

Jerry has been having them for years. He said this one his 49th. He said he's had lithotripsy procedures and laser procedures to break them up, but most of them he just passed. When he texted me and told me that he had passed it, I asked how it was and he said he yelled so loudly that his neighbors probably heard him. That sounds just cringeworthy! 

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Well I wouldn't be blaming only Jerry for this because while he's older but you're not that young either. And while you're not that experienced at sex from a skill perspective maybe but logically you did know that sex leads to pregnancy. But in any case there's really no need to blame anyone as it doesn't change the situation.

I would tell Jerry immediately about the baby. I think without actually talking to him it's hard to know what exactly his reaction will actually be. I mean his reaction might not be negative. He does have kids so obviously he wanted them in the past and he has a lot of experience raising kids. 

If he doesn't want the baby then I think you'd need to think about what to do. Do you want to be a single parent? I mean some people are a single parent and they raise the child like that and it's fine. Obviously it's really hard but many people did it. I know a lot of people will say; "Oh but you'll be a single parent, think about that!" Yes it's hard but I don't see why people say it like it's the worst thing in the world. Many people raised their child as a single parent for whatever reason - e.g. the other parent died. Or they never found a partner so adopted or used a donor.

I think your first step is discussing everything with Jerry. At the end of the day why do you need the approval of your parents, friends or least of all colleagues? You're nearly 30 years old, you are an adult. This is your and Jerry's choice.

I told him tonight. He was surprisingly happy about it. He thinks he will make a better dad at his age than he was in his 20s/30s. He said he's there for whatever I need him for. He even offered to be the birthing coach even though we're still pretty far away from it.

He asked me what my concerns were. Mostly I'm kind of nervous about the birthing part, what people will say/think about us with the age gap and if my career goals will be altered by this.

He gave me some of his insight from his POV when his kids were born. Jerry said the only thing that he could say its close to was passing a kidney stone, but all you get out of that is pain, misery and a little rock at the end of the day, where being pregnant, you get a baby out of the ordeal. 

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Just don't make it sad for the innocent baby. Act now in the best interests of the baby which is what matters most -no need to be a martyr but during pregnancy is a great time to get in the mindset of what matters most is the health and well-being of the baby you are growing inside you.  Get the practical stuff going - if  you want child support, do what you need to do to make sure you get that ball rolling.  Find a good obstetrician.  Take care of your body as a pregnant woman.  It's not too late to act in your baby's best interests.  You won't have as much freedom to make impulsive decisions and then say "oh well too late now" but that's par for the course with being a parent.  Good luck.

I've been thinking about all of that a lot these past two days. My friend says its his fault because he forgot the condom. Its a two way street. Both at fault. 

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes you mean you prioritized having sex over the risk of creating a baby in a situation where you don't know if he wants to have a baby with you.  I would tell him -he knows he risked a pregnancy so of course for the best interests of your baby you tell him.

Sadly, yes. I guess the mood took over. Too late now.

2 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

This sounds like an office romance. When you tell him about being pregnant (hopefully sooner, rather than later), have you considered  what you're going to do if he says he doesn't want any more children?  He might walk away from this and you'll be a single parent etc. 

Yes, that's a concern.