RobertoPDX

Things were bad as in we were constantly arguing, emotionally worn out, miscomunicating, neither getting what they needed, and generally ready to separate. We pulled it back from the brink of that with a lot of self work and therapy together. Neither of us were having affairs. this was all within the last few months. The term “dating” is a sticking point for me because I say that they were going out on dates, she insists it wasn’t any different than doing those same activities with anyone else. I’ve run this same topic on Reddit and the general consensus is she’s having an affair and I’m an idiot. That being said, she has been up to this point one of the most recklessly honest people I’ve ever known. Think “lived in Philly and might be neurodivergent” levels of honesty. I can think of only a few times she lied to me about anything at all in the last 6 years. Plus where we were at on the brink of divorce she had no reason to hide it if she was screwing around. i don’t yuck anyone’s yum, but the cuck thing isn’t for me.

Name checks out haha

We’ve been together for 6 years, married for 4. Things we’re really had for a while, we were both ready to give up and leave. I was more insistent on trying to make things work and to her credit she agreed and things have been slowly getting stronger. It’s been hard for me to forgive her and reconcile this one issue (and I really want to) because she doesn’t think she cheated, doesn’t think they were dating.

TLDR: Can you help my partner and I define what constitutes “dating” and/or having an affair? My partner is someone who has always used cheating as a way out of relationships. We hit a rough patch and she almost did the same thing to me- she had a crush on her supervisor at work who definitely reciprocated those feelings and They started hanging out, texting, talking, flirting.. She invited me out with them a few times (I suspect she either likes the energy dynamic of two guys who are into her at the table together or she was trying to show me I didn’t need to worry about him) and I picked up on the vibe but wasn’t worried. I’ve never been the jealous type and always trusted her. The trouble started when she lied to Me about going to his house for a massage. I caught her and she came clean. She said she almost cheated on me but stopped herself. After that they continued to hang out one on one behind my back. They’d go for walks together, out for dinner and drinks, hiking, etc. she confided in him about our marriage problems and they talked about his sex life. She showed me text messages of him “struggling to keep his messages appropriate”, talking about how good the hug and back rubbing felt, how his jacket smells like her perfume. When this all came to light I was pretty upset. I feel like this was an affair even if they didn’t have sex. My wife is insistent it wasn’t an affair and they weren’t going on dates because these are all things that she does or would do with her other single male friends and that all of those guys would have sex with her if she let them so the crush part doesn’t matter either. I confronted the guy, chewed him out and told him exactly what I think of him. He sat back and took it then later complained to my wife about how I spoke to him. I know it’s petty, but can I get a judgement call here? Was this an affair? Were they dating for those few weeks? She’s told me that she doesn’t have a crush on him anymore and they still hang out 1 on 1, but now she will tell me when they do. I don’t like it but she’s not someone to care what I think or feel as long as she believes what she’s doing isn’t wrong.