AA1994

Aa sponsor? I have had 3 nights out in 8 weeks and not drank in the house once. I drank twice a week its was nothing ridiculous just bothered her

Ive just found out shes gone back to the hotel with. Im struggling i cant do this

3 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I'm so sorry, and my heart goes out to you. Three years is an awfully long engagement. How much of that time were you depressed and drinking?

Probably the whole time, got worse when we had children after been together five years. Rarely drunk when they were home but my mum used to have them two nights a week and i would just drink in the house rather than spend time with her

2 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I'm sorry you're in pain. As far as dating goes, the only thing you two should be discussing are rules as far as what is best for the children. Such as not allowing the children to meet a new dating prospect until the union is serious. You two should no longer be discussing your personal lives with each other. Keep all topics to co-parenting only. You say you want her back, yet a person normally thinks long and hard about breaking up a longstanding union like this, especially when children are involved. 

I'm assuming either she asked for improvements which never happened, or that one or both of you lost an emotional connection for whatever reason, and she came to a point of no longer caring or outgrowing the relationship.

She's not too bright, failing to give herself time to learn who she is solo, since she's been with you since teen years. But you can't control what she does, so she will live and learn. You will just have to let her know you don't want to hear about her romantic life until it's decided the new man will meet the children, so you are ensuring the children's wellbeing by learning who this man is who will be around them. 

I just read your update. Probably too little too late. From my own experience, when a woman is done, she's plain done. Keep up with your improvements regardless. This will benefit you in the present and future. You were probably just used to her being around, and are likely fooling yourself that you truly loved her, otherwise, you would've improved far earlier to be the partner she deserved. But you're right that you have to love yourself before loving anyone else properly, so that's a good goal to work on for any future relationship you embark on. Take care.

 

Its my fault, i ask questions and shes honesty enough to give answers. I know i should now keep contact to children only and keep it that way. I have a lot of issues that I needed to address from a young age as to which i am currently in therapy for. I did and do love her, shes so special. Theres nobody like her that ive met before. She’s such an amazing person and i completley messed it up, never forgive myself for it. I need to get a reconciliation out of my head but im clinging on to the 1% chance she will see how much progress ive made. I dont know why

24 minutes ago, justme80 said:

Some people do this. The only thing I can think shes moved this quickly is for a confidence boost now she is newly single. Some people cant bear to be alone. In my opinion the best way to be after a breakup is to focus on yourself or your loved ones around you. Focus on you mate. 

yeah you could be right. He lives an hour away from our town so hopefully nothing progresses. Although i wish her all the happiness in the world. Trying my best to get in shape and to look better

Just now, AA1994 said:

Yes, issue for her we were engaged. Said i never wanted to marry her. I was massively overweight depressed and drinking more than average. Couldnt show love when i hated myself. Lost 4 stone since the breakup. Made the mistake of begging crying and pleading which pushed her further away. Just hope one day she sees the changes ive made 

She said i never wanted to marry her that is! Not me. We were engaged for 3 years

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. She may have been planning to leave for a while so mentally moved on before you did. Yes focus on your physical and mental health, sobriety and the children. 

r

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Were you married ? Was the fact you weren’t an issue for either of you ?im sorry you’re struggling 

Yes, issue for her we were engaged. Said i never wanted to marry her. I was massively overweight depressed and drinking more than average. Couldnt show love when i hated myself. Lost 4 stone since the breakup. Made the mistake of begging crying and pleading which pushed her further away. Just hope one day she sees the changes ive made 

I dont know how to compose myself if i want her back. Ive been supportive and wished her good luck on the date etc

10 years together 2 children. Im 29 shes 28. Left me 8 weeks ago and now dating someone new after promising they were happy single and hope i would be too? How could a woman do this? I know i need to focus on the kids and myself thats the obvious. But just want some insight in to how and why someone could do this so soon?

3 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Thank you. Yes, I saw that but it was so vague. Hopefully he'll clarify for us.

Yeah thats what i am doing, ive got online therapy courses and have weekly phone calls with a therapist. 

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No one can know that.  You don't need to man up.  You need to work toward being a mature adult who can co-parent safely and effectively. Individuals take individual time to get over being harassed - she is a victim and you are a victim of your illness -or you were.  She may never get over it.  I'd consider it a huge win if she is willing to abide by the custody arrangements and give you access to the children and not fight it.  I'm sorry you are struggling and good for you for getting  help -keep up the good work!

I know, she’s been on the phone to my family i have really scared her. I just seem to be struggling to keep emotions at bay. Luckily so far shes still letting me have the kids, they mean the world to me and i want to be the best dad i can be. 

I have been acting like a desperate weird person since my ex of 9 years left me. Will she always see me this way now?

i begged for the first two weeks, i also got drunk in town one night and was stood at the end of a bridge which was absolutely ridicolous, she knows about this through family and initally was really worried about me. Was a selfish cry for help but I shouldnt be this emotionally unstable.  I also turned up to our family home and wanted answers to whether there was someone else involved which was totally out of order as it wasnt my turn to be at the house. I know im not well, we have children and i need to man up and be there for them. Since then she has blocked me on everything and told me to only contact her about the kids which is totally understandable. It has only been 5 weeks but the healing process doesnt seem like i am letting it work. I just wondered if she will always see me as an inferior weak emotional mess or if i can regain respect and admiration from the mother of my children? When i am around the children i feel brilliant, its when i am alone that I cant cope. I am getting the help i need

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What happened to that post?

Sorry this happened. All you can do is be more civil with each other especially if you two are doing this strange babysitting sleeping at relatives arrangement. Slamming door, silent treatments and bizarre arrangements are hurting and destabilizing your children.

I hid it. I dont really see the arrangment as bizzare to be honest. Nobody can move out yet, we cant live together but the kids need their own home and their own bedrooms. We need to halves on the bills for this period of time so we co own the property and co parent.

I put a post in the other day regarding my partner who i share children with leaving me due to numerous issues in our relationship and my failure to change. We kept living together for a few days and was getting on until late at night when i couldnt help asking for another chance. I could see this was pushing her even further away and she was adament her decision was final on numerous occasiobs. I suggested keeping the kids at home for stability but both us of sleeping at relatives houses when its not our turn to have the kids. I thought this was best for both me and her and she agreed. I got home today from work and i couldnt bare to be OTT with conversation and be over attentive. I said hello and went and played with the kids while she was working on her laptop. When she was leaving she said id been cold and heartless since i came in and to only contact her about the kids. I said thats fine. She slammed the door and drove off. I dont understand? Shes left me?