bluetulips

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

This situation is far more simple IMO.  You don't respect or admire him.  I'd avoid getting attached to someone you do not respect and admire in a serious LTR.  You don't respect how he lives, how he handles money, you give a withered nod to his hobbies but in a tolerable way not "cool he has these hobbies!"   As a friend/acquaintance -sure why not.  Also you'd be marrying his family in a way and they think how he lives is worth supporting. 

I'm trying to ask for thoughts on a specific problem which is not the same as not respecting him as a whole. 

And I really take issue with the massive projection of withered nod to hobbies. You've read a lot into me just trying to answer the responders question concisely. We actually connect on these hobbies but seeing as they're relatively niche, I thought it nicest not to make someone super identifiable on a massive public forum just in case. 

I'm clearly being open an vulnerable here so please be mindful of protecting tone onto nothing and then telling me off about it. 

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think it depends if they discussed general goals because his habits are not consistent with a marriage or even a long term commitment especially including a family unless both people have trust fund/are happy to go on government assistance.

Also many people live in the moment and have financial values that involve saving, investing, retirement goals. 

Many spend money on what they value that day and balance that against savings and investing.

  With exception I've rarely met an adult in his her 20s and beyond who wanted marriage and family and didn't care at all if their partner had the attitude the OP describes above and acted on it. You're an exception of course. In the last 30 plus years in my life it's been very very rare.

But I've met many who live in the moment and balance it against being financially responsible about the future. We are like that to an extent.  We travel as often as we can, I try to be inspired by my husband who's more spontaneous than me and go with the flow and as a result we've had more adventures than typical because we seize opportunities.  And we both married with substantial nest eggs and savings and savings and retirement goals and a college fund or our son.  I wouldn't have married or dated the person the OP describes and wouldn't feel judgmental about that in the least.  Or superficial,  Or not living in the moment. 

So I do find the marriage issue a challenging one as he seems to be more up for marriage than moving out or buying a property or anything. But it again seems like a kind of instant gratification thing of marriage is being perceived here as fun whereas the others perhaps look less glamorous and instant? 

He seems to be missing the fact that my concerns expressed regarding unhealthy family dynamic and poor money management are the exact building blocks that will (or won't) unlock marriage. 

I actually have no strong feelings about buying property together or having children together so there's that major financial linkup removed but I really struggle to see someone just get everything they think of on a whim.

Perhaps I'm just jealous? But equally, it's good to earn things. 

I do wonder if I have an avoidant attachment style that has me hyperfocus on the negative.

16 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well I probably do find this off putting as well but on the other hand it is about goals and values, as you said. Some goals or values aren't in themselves good or bad, but can be different to different people.

For example, have you got a sense of what he actually has been spending money on? Has he travelled or does he go out a lot? Does he pay rent and contribute to bills with his mother and his ex's parents?

It's obviously important to you to live out of home and save money but it might be not as important to some people. Some people travel a lot, do backpacking, things like that first. Some people also like to just spend money on life experiences. For example, go out for nice meals, go to the theatre, go on a cruise, gym membership, etc. There are people who like to be frugal and work towards a big financial goal. E.g. Buying a car or a house. But there are also people who live in the moment and spend money on things they value in the here and now. 

Personally yes I would prefer my partner to live out of home but I probably wouldn't care as much if they didn't have a lot of savings. I would only care if they were blowing all their money away on some kind of addiction - e.g., drugs, gambling, strippers. But otherwise I don't think it bothers me that much.

I agree with you though that values need to match. For example, if you have savings, own property and things like that, it's fine if you're looking for someone equal to you. 

Something I would think about I guess is do you have many options of other guys? And what are you looking for from a relationship? I know it's really hard to find a partner in this day and age and many of my friends are struggling with it. Everyone has flaws so I guess you just need to think about what you're willing to overlook and what is a definite deal breaker for you. E.g. Have you asked your boyfriend if he's going to move out soon? For example if he moved out, can you give him a chance? I'm not saying you have to give him a chance but I'm just saying these are all things to think about.

Thanks for your thoughtful response. So he does contribute to household stuff but in a relatively haphazard way I.e. he pays for some of the bills regularly but any more than that is just as and when his mum asks for it, there's not formalised rent. And considering how much disposable he has, I don't think it's very much. 

When I said I think he really needs to think about moving out as his family dynamic isn't great (as I say, there's a bit of a weird living off each other cycle going on) he said he'd start saving $1000 a month to build up a buffer. I both thought this revealed an immaturity in that no one goes from instant gratification spending in the moment to saver of the year overnight, plus indicates approximately how much he's getting through monthly on nothing. 

He spends on eating out a lot, never taking packed food to work. Random treats. Covering his brother for things. Basically loads of small things you'd buy if money was no object. 

He's invested in a couple of hobbies which is fair enough but I think even with that expenditure, there shouldn't be nothing. 

It just seems like he's an instant gratification person who is so in the present he hasn't looked to stretch himself any further than his current, not great dynamic, situation. 

It's very at odds with how empathetic and professional he is in other spheres of life. 

I think I struggle with these things because I'm so happy to be independent that I have had people point the avoidant attachment "you're the problem" finger at me. And I do definitely pull away and find consistent deep closeness a challenge (though I don't do any game playing and weighing up other people that apparently avoidants do??). I do want companionship but I think because my attachment isn't perfect, I find navigating the "are they really bad news for me vs. Am I just impatient and pulling away" very difficult!!

Rambling non-answer but that's my honest thoughts!

I've been dating someone for several months and I'd been trying to be non-judgemental as I didn't know full story but the longer we date I realise there's no good reason for why his life set up is really immature and I'm finding it hard to imagine how future might pan out but would be interested to know if people think I'm being superficial. 

He's mid 30s and has a well paying job but has never paid for accommodation. The only place he's ever lived alone was paid for by his family. He currently lives with his mum and brother who don't work. He lived with an ex at her parents. 

Despite never having had the major outgoing of rent/mortgage, he has no savings. He just rips through his money and has never seen an issue with it (and probably wouldn't have) until I asked if he was thinking of ever moving out and I think the penny dropped that he wasn't going to get to go from one supported living situation to me doing the same for him. 

He has a really good job and I find the lack of aspiration and completely not understanding the value of money really off putting. His interpersonal interactions are really nice but this value seems super out of whack and the more I meet his family the more I see they're all living on generational handouts and living in parental homes forever to not "waste" money on supporting themselves. 

Is it a question of if the rest of the person seems nice or is this a red flag problem? My family is so far from this I don't want to be unreasonably judgemental but it does seem really weird.