Boyfriend (26M) and I (29F) started dating a little over two months ago, he had ended a relationship in July with someone he dated for 9 months. He said he stopped liking her months before ending it, due to her being mentally unstable, suicidal and overall he just didn't enjoy the relationship anymore because it became toxic. He also said that he wasn't sexually attracted to her and they barely ever had sex. She also moved into his apartment at the end of the relationship and he wasn't very happy with that.
They maintained contact mainly due to her mental health and after three months, he met me (we already knew each other through friends in common/social media but never really met in person until then). We have been inseparable since, best relationship I've had, healthy communication, we respect each other's space, good banter, chemistry all that jazz. We're on the same page about what we want in the future (marriage, kids etc). He is a sweetheart, has a good soul and treats me with respect and kindness.
The ONLY thing that bothers me is his relationship with his ex. When we started dating, he told me he felt responsible for her mental health and that he had to keep in touch with her because she kept threatening to kill herself, I felt uncomfortable but wanted to see how things went. One time he told me, I don't have feelings for her, but I can still be empathetic towards the fact that she has mental health issues right?
A few days we started going out, we were meeting up and I called him and he told me he was feeling depressed because his ex was harassing him via phone and asking to meet up to which he declined, but he never blocked her or anything on that day. I asked him if he was still gonna meet up with her at some point and he said he wanted to sell a card collectible to her, to which I said "this just seems like an excuse to meet with her". After that, weeks went by I sat down with him and asked if they're still in touch and he said no, that he hasn't spoken to her since that time.
He would bring her up occasionally stating that when she moved out, she stole some of his clothes and jewellery (he really likes material things, collectibles etc), and just make random comments like "do you like cuddling in bed? my ex liked cuddling" and I just got fed up with these comments about her. In my past, whenever my partners commented about their ex like that or were still angry at them, it was ALWAYS because they still had unresolved feelings for them. I understand he was the one who ended it and his situation is different than my ex partners (usually it was the girl who ended it etc), but still.
I sat down with him two weeks ago and asked if they're still in touch, he said he no longer talks to her after we started seeing each other. But then the conversation got a bit heated and he got emotional and angry at me and I asked him why and he said "because she's suicidal and that still hurts me" but he assured me he has no feelings for her and said "I want to be with you and only you, you're not a distraction to me and the only reason I get triggered is because I was suicidal myself and I feel guilty for ending things with her", but also said he doesn't want to talk to her, wants to know nothing about her.It was quite an emotional conversation but in a good way and I felt secured. I noticed on that day, he also blocked her on social media, I didn't even ask or anything.
Things have been great, I put this behind, up until yesterday which again, he brought her up. He was telling me he bought a new ring and the reason why was because he was replacing the one he things his ex stole. I wouldn't mind him saying that but it's the WAY he says it. It's clear he gets emotional about it and it really bothers me. I told him I don't want to hear about it anymore and he said he even blocked her recently (I already knew lol but he hadn't told me) and doesn't want to talk to her.
I just feel like the whole story is weird and all over the place, he is very patient and kind when I ask, but I can tell he gets emotional when I bring her up, but at the same time tells me he doesn't have any lingering feelings, but also isn't very clear. How does one tell me that he still wants to sell his ex something, says he has to be in touch with her due to her mental health but then goes to say she harasses him and then after a few weeks decides to block her after we had that conversation. Like, how do you change from still being in touch, wanting to sell her something to blocking her and saying he doesn't wanna hear from her again, to calling her a b*tch because she stole his things? Surely in these few weeks, something clicked or changed, but he refuses to tell me exactly what and that makes it look shady and it's starting to annoy me.
It seems to me that he still couldn't move on completely from her but realised that in order to be with me and fully with me, he had to block her. It just bothers me because I have no beef with any exes, everything is in the past, but she was still involved in his life when we started dating and the fact he brought her up again even after the talk made me super unconfy. I am seeing him tonight and I just wanted to clear things out with him but also I don't want to cause friction between a relationship that otherwise is so so great and has been going well.
I know I might be immature, but due to past trauma, insecurities and overall just strong boundaries in relation to exes. What do you guys think about this? How should I bring this up? It's just making me anxious and stopping me from fully enjoying this relationship like I want to.
