Hey everyone :)) This is my first time posting here and I hope I can get some advice.
(Disclaimer: I am sorry if I make some mistakes, English isn't my native language. Also, I am telling the whole story so it might be a long post – thank you for reading!!)
I met my current boyfriend in December 2022 at a birthday party from a friend and we immediately felt a strong chemistry. I never met a guy before with whom I shared so many interests and had such interesting conversations. We started dating shortly after the party and everything seemed fine until about two months later, he suddenly started to pull away. I was very confused by his behavior because he seemed very interested the whole time and his sudden change just didn't add up. I asked him about it a few days later and he confessed that he feels like he doesn't have the time for a girlfriend right now and just isn't able to build a real relationship. Still, he wanted to keep seeing me – which I declined, because I was already emotionally invested and didn't want to be used just whenever he felt to. For me what he said just seemed like an excuse, because we were meeting around 2 (max. 3 times a week) and I had expressed before that I don't need to spend so much time in general with a partner. I also assured him that I still wanted him to have as much time as he wanted to for his hobbies and friends because I expect the same from my partner.
I would say that I am a very independent person and have a lot of things (Uni/Work, Friends, Sports) to occupy myself with. After the previous conversation we had on Whatsapp, we met again to talk and he confessed that he didn't know how to handle my upcoming semester abroad, which was supposed to take place from October until the beginning of February. I planned this semester half a year prior and was very excited about this opportunity. I tried to understand his fears, although for me this would never have been a reason to reconsider a relationship. If my partner had such an opportunity, I would have no problem being by myself while we're apart. Especially if you see a future with this person, I feel like a few months are nothing in comparison. On this day, he practically had a nervous breakdown– he started crying, saying he didn't want to stop seeing me and I had the impression that he just felt very lost. So I said to him that he should use some time to figure out what he wanted, but during that time I didn't want to keep seeing him. Meanwhile, the war in Ukraine broke out, which was very hard for him, because he was born there and a part of his family still lives there. I reached out again to ask him if he was alright and if he needed any help. We then started messaging again, but didn't see each other for three weeks, because I was also out of town due to an internship for my studies. He then visited me in the city I was doing the internship and apologized for his behavior. When I returned to our hometown, we decided to be officially in a relationship.
In the next months, we had a lot of fun together and I was really head over heels for him. I was so amazed by him that I didn't pay attention to some things that happened that I would consider now huge red flags. After three months, I noticed that he got angry really fast about minor things. Just so that you know what I am talking about, here are some examples:
It started with an incident where we planned to meet with some of his friends. I was already feeling a bit ill on the day before and when I returned home from work in the afternoon, I didn't feel good at all. I then texted him saying that maybe I would have to cancel if my symptoms weren't getting any better, but he should still go and have fun. He got so angry, basically yelling at me to toughen up and how "disrespectful" I was to cancel on the same day. I should have stand my ground, but I then decided to go because I just didn't want to start a huge fight because of this.
I really like to cook as a hobby, so of course I invited him sometimes to my apartment for dinner. In return, he invited me sometimes to dinner/the movies, so I felt like I could show him my gratitude by this. Also, I sometimes paid on our dates for coffee etc. He already has a good paid job, while I was finishing my masters and just worked a side job, so I felt this was fair for us both. One day he invited me to go with him to a new Sandwich shop. I honestly forgot my wallet in his car. He got so furious about this when we were asked to pay, saying I was taking advantage of him and in return should cook for him more often if I was accepting his invitations so deliberately.
When we had sex, he always expected me to do oral. I usually did this because I really liked to pleasure him, but one time I didn't feel in the mood because I had some tooth pain from a dentist appointment the day earlier. When I said I didn't want to do it today, he got super angry and left me lying on the bed.
One time when I drove home from the Gym (I was using my bike btw), I didn't put a Bra on because I wanted to shower at home and it was a very hot evening in August. I send him a photo on Whatsapp which I did in the changing room of the Gym and he noticed that under my top you could lightly see my nipples. He then assaulted me that I was walking around like a sl*t and that he would be so ashamed if anyone would see his girlfriend dressing like this.
The worst case happened while we were on vacation in Budapest. We spend some really great days together until on the last evening everything went downhill. While we were looking for a place to eat, I didn't notice that he was already talking to a waitress, asking her if the restaurant had free tables, so I just went on to check the menu of the next place (it was a street with many restaurants/bars next to each other). He came up to me and yelled at me in front of the whole crowd, saying again how "disrespectful" my behaviour was and called me a "piece of sh*t". I left him standing there on the spot and returned to our Airbnb. I was considering the whole way home if I should break up with him.
Eventually I forgave him for the incident during the vacation, because he apologized a thousand times and promised me that it would never happen again. Still, my trust was shattered. A month later, I went to another country for my semester abroad. We still were in the same time zone and a flight from my hometown was like 3 1/2 hours. Before I went, I talked to him about how to keep our communication stable and thought of ways to still spend time together (like streaming a movie together etc.). He even assured me at the airport that the time would fly by in instant and we wouldn't have any problems keeping our connection. Also, he had already booked a flight in December and planned on staying for a week. From the first day on, I tried to send him as much details about my day, asked him about phone calls etc. After not even two weeks, he called me cyring and confessed that he doesn't see a future with me anymore. I was shattered and didn't know what to do. Even though i really liked the university and the place, I was basically alone in this country because I just met some people that were in the same program as me, but we weren't really friends yet of course. I blocked him on all sorts of Social Media because I didn't want him to contact me and mess my mind up once again. He then messaged me over a fake Instagram account, apologizing and saying he made a huge mistake. Because he has already booked his flight, I agreed to meet him in a few weeks and talk about what had happened. I didn't forgave him, but we spend some time together before he went home. I thought hard about what to do, but eventually decided to tell him at the end of December that everything that has happened was too much for me and I couldn't handle how he treated me in the past months. While we were broken up, we didn't have any contact for the next three months. During these months, he also tried to contact me and (you could have guessed it) I agreed to start talking to him again. While we didn't talk, I applied for a Research Program at the University and was accepted, so I had the opportunity to stay two months longer than planned. I didn't want to get back to my home town, so I was really glad for this opportunity.
When I returned, we agreed to meet around a week later. From this day on, we met regularly (almost 5 months now) – I really felt that he had changed and that he shown regret for his past actions. He claims that while we were broken up, seeking a closer connection to God led him to some realizations and to change his ways. Being raised Christian, Forgiveness is really important to me, so if somebody claims he/she has changed, I would grant this person another chance. His demeanor now is very affectionate and he just seems to now "really" care about me. He also said that he realized how much I meant to him and that he truly loves me and would anything to make up for his mistakes. Still, I feel like even if he wasn't in love with me before, he still should have treated me with respect and kindness.
So far, so good. I mean I could be contempt that the situation had turned out like this. But I somehow developed an uneasy feeling whenever I spend time with him in the last two months. When I think about our future, I don't know how to feel – I somehow have the feeling that I can't trust him. I tried to surpress it, saying to myself that I was obsessing over the situation and just to have let things go. It happened a few times that I came back from his place and just started crying, because I felt so relieved to be in my own space again. Also, my friends who have been very skeptical of him in the past, assured me that they have really seen a change in him. What really puts me under a lot of pressure is him talking now about moving together in the next months. When I receive my Masters results, I planned to look for a job opportunity in a new city and he has stated to wanted to come with me. Last year, I even offered him to come with me and thought it would be a great idea. But to be honest... I don't want that at the current moment, because I still don't trust him a 100%. If everything would have went well with us in the past year, I think I would be ready to move in together at this point. We talked about this and I explained my feelings, saying that I probably just need more time. He then said that he had the feeling something "was wrong with me" for not expressing the need to live together with your man (I never lived together with a boyfriend, even though I had previous relationships) and that I didn't meet this needs in sorts of spending time together. This conversation emerged also during other situations. For example, we recently went on a Roadtrip and spend 4 days in a row together. The next evening, I came by his place, because he texted me that he had a really hard day. When he saw that I didn't bring stuff to spend the night at his place, he asked me about it. I replied that my apartment looked like a mess and I really wanted to do some laundry and unpack, so I planned to go back later in the evening. He didn't yell, but I felt that he really got angry. He then asked me in an unfriendly tone why its not possible for me to just spend more time with him and why I am this way.
As I stated before, I am not a person that needs to see her partner every day, because I also like to spend time with friends/family and I also really like to be alone sometimes. In my previous relationships, this was never an issue. I am not sure I am an introvert, but peoples energies seem to have a strong effect on me, which causes me often to just want to be alone and recharge at home or in the nature. I have some wonderful friends that I love to spend time with and they never seem to "drain" me – i could very much imagine to live with them together at some point, so I don't feel that it's because I cannot live together with someone. I just don't want to take that decision lightly, because I want to make sure I am ready for this. At this point, I feel completely drained emotionally and just want to be without a romantic partner for a while. I feel like I had my fair share of past relation/situationships and even though I learned a lot, I have the feeling I can't take anymore right now. I still care a lot about him and he was the first man I really could envision a life together with, so this realization that this maybe won't happen now is hard to take in for me. I also feel like maybe I am not an easy person to be with and my craving for personal space and independency is too much for a stable relationship.
Did anyone had similar experiences in a relationship? Why am I suddenly experiencing anxiety when I am spending time with him? Do I overthink the whole situation and just see where it goes? Thank you all for reading and your honest responses.
