Hello everyone,
this is going to be a long post, also apologies in advance for my poor english skills as it's not my mother tongue.
My relationship with my SO is reaching a breaking point, it almost ended last night and this morning we were almost there too. So, we've been together for 6 years now, we had our ups and downs like with any relationship, we met during university then we graduated together, now he has recently been hired and I'm currently looking for a job as well. We moved far away from our families, our friends are also scattered across the globe, so we don't have any friend circles or relatives where we live atm. We live in an European country.
Some info about me: I'm an extremely shy person, very awkward in social gatherings, I have an anxiety disorder and I'm a very disorganized person in general. I also admit I have a very low self esteem and that interferes a lot with my everyday life.
So what happened last night? We were heading towards the bus station, I told my SO I was going to get two bus tickets, unfortunately didn't make it in time and we missed the bus because of me (though it wasn't my fault, some old man made me lose precious time and I made it clear immediately to my SO) well he didn't care, he was angry and yelling at me in the middle of the road, I told him sorry repeatedly and that it was ok, we could wait another 20/25 minutes for the next one, we didn't have any plans afterwards so we weren't in a rush, still he didn't care, he told me that stuff like this happens only because me, that I should have not gotten the tickets at all or at the very least get them directly on the bus. I was exasperated and told him to calm down and stop being so agitated, he got even more mad telling me I had no reason to be mad at him since I'm the one continuously making him lose time and being slow as a sloth.
When we got home things didn't get better, I told him he shouldn't have reacted that way and the fight got worse from there. Ugly things were said but the comment I can't forget/forgive is he telling me "with the amount of issues you have no man could be able to tolerate you". He made me feel worse than c---p... nobody had managed until now to shatter whatever little self esteem and dignity I had. Though he says he is the one losing his dignity because of me, after such fights I tend to want to pack my things and threaten to leave him but he stops me instead of letting me go, it has happened before and it happened last night as well. Though these kinds of fights have happened rarely but every time I regret staying in this relationship.
Why don't I just leave? It's a mix of many emotions, fear I might regret it, fear I will miss him, doubt I might be the one in the wrong. Maybe he is right, all this is happening because of my faults? Maybe even a saint would lose patience with me?
My SO isn't a bad person, I swear. And clarifying this just in case: he has never harmed me physically. He is very egocentric though, after our fights he doesn't even give me time to cool down, my bad mood rubs him the wrong way, but I'm not someone who lets go of everything that was said so easily. I know I have my faults, that I need to change some of my behaviours because I depend on him too much. My SO's issue wasn't missing one bus, but the fact I often make a mess and create problems that a functioning grown adult shouldn't, I depend on others too much, I hesitate doing things because I'm anxiety and paranoia in person.
Still I don't believe I deserve such a treatment, but I won't get any apology, because in his mind his overreaction on small stuff like missing a bus is justified, because he is already putting up with all of my issues as he says.
I don't know what to do anymore, if I change will he start treating me better? Will these fights stop? Will we argue in a more civil manner? Because today it feels like he has lost all the respect he had for me.
