This is a lot, so please bare with me...I''ve been married for just under a year. On our wedding night, my husband came back nearly 3 hrs after his estimation he gave me. I was feeling very sick to my stomach that night and could not leave our hotel room. I wanted him to have fun still with his friends and didn't mind him staying out later. Considering he said he would be back by 11pm or, as he stated he himself was just exhausted, i had no reason to think he'd be gone longer. Well, he comes back around 2am and is leaning over his phone. (I was just finally falling asleep when he came back and definitely became conscious again after he did). I was just trying to go back to sleep and while I was, he almost immediately falls asleep once he puts his phone down. It could've been my sick stomach that night but i felt something in my gut and in the 2.5 years we had already been together, I never felt the need to look at his phone....until that night. I found messages in his discord, talking to another woman, who was actually one of his gaming friends. Come to find out, he has bought her food/sent it to her house and lamented various things about our relationship, along with our sex life. At the time, we weren't not having sex, but apparently it wasn't as much as he wanted... He had also tried to hang out with her in person. Now, this woman is a girl's girl and told him to stop sending her food (as it made HER boyfriend uncomfortable) and encouraged him to talk to me about all of his concerns...which he never did do.
Fast forward to the wedding night and me find all these messages and I lost it. I threatened an annulment because I didn't think he was so duplicitous. So we've had that hanging over our head...After we married, I've been discovering more and more white lies, such as him saying a food was sourced from a healthy place and turns out its from the frozen aisle. I have a digestive disorder, so this is a big deal, because a lot of food gets me sick and/or causes a lot of pain. There's been other times when he will say he said one thing to someone but turns out it was completely different than how it was relayed to me. Additionally, I had found out that he was keeping his substance use hidden or minimized. I had no problem with him using weed, as I did on occasion when we met, but quit due to the paranoia I get when I do. I noticed he would smoke as soon as he came home from work until he went to bed during the week, then all day on the weekends. He was almost never sober during his free time. I also found, months later a chewing tobacco tin on our dresser. I was very confused and thought maybe it was holding weed but when I opened it, it was indeed chew. I immediately confronted him, as I think this is both gross and concerning, as both of his sides of the family are riddled with all kinds of cancers (his mom died of breast cancer after the 3rd return when he wa in his early 20s). As for the weed, in addition to being high nearly all the time, he would smoke in the house and lie about it. As most of us know, the smell is unmistakable. Even when I used weed I never did like the smell. I would wake up in the middle of the night to pee and smell weed very strongly, though he was asleep. Come to find out, he would toke in the middle of the night in our home office...
Now, another big part is my younger sister living with us almost immediately after we moved in to our current house (like a week later). She moved in because she had no where else to go and couldn't afford living on her own. She was 22 at the time and still in college. This was one of the things he was complaining to his discord friend, saying he doesn't have his own space because she's in the extra bedroom. Now, I have to say, neither of us have personal rec space and I myself only use the home office for work, as I wfh half the time, or for getting ready at my desk, since I use it as a vanity, too. Now, he had been the one to say she can stay rent free and all she needs to do is help out around the house which she does do to this day. If anything, he does not like how she does things simply because it's not HIS way. She respects the house and still even asks before a friend comes over, to which my husband will state they're more than welcome to and he will often offer to cook for them and host, too. All this to say, per my sister's reports, he is very rude, short, and irritable with her, and this primarily happens when I'm not around. I don't doubt my sister as I know he lacks awareness in his tone and words often, while also knowing that if something isn't done the way he'd prefer, he can get an attitude. So about once every other week or more, I'm caught between her feeling mad and offended and him saying he didn't do anything or is overreacting. Both my husband and sister are sensitive, but I have to say my sister has way more self awareness and EQ, where he is easily hurt and offended even by myself, even when all in company know I'm joking.
Now to recently...I've noticed he will make "jokes" in front of company that try to put me down and make me look bad. He only does this with non family, but it didn't hit me that he's been doing this because we don't mutually hang with friends often and that maybe because I didn't feel so aware of our relationship stress before. But we went to dinner with my sister and her friend, whose first time meeting us was then. After leaving the restaurant, when my sister and I were alone for sec, I asked her if she noticed him making disparaging jokes, to which she said no. At this point i had already talked to my husband and told him what i felt and how i took his "jokes". He said he would stop and be more careful/didn't mean to...Come to find out, my sister's friend did notice and brought it up to her that he didn't like that my husband did that, along with telling him that he could smoke weed in my sister's room and just open a window....when everyone knows how I feel about smoking in the house. I confronted my husband about that offer, as apparently I didn't notice at the time, to which he stated he was just trying to be nice to our guest....I told him I felt that was incredibly disrespectful and so did the other 2.
There's other things that are reported to me that he complains about, like finances (was news to me as i always do my fair share and come to find out its just because he's "afraid of my tone' if we talk about money, which I've only been annoyed when I'm unexpectedly asked for money, like when be overdraws his account or feels i need to pay for something we never had talked about before and is due that same day) the space thing still, all while also telling people I won't "let him" have certain things, like a lava lamp (not true and just said where?/I don't want it in the living room). We're in our early 30s now and I like our living room comfy and boho.
As for the sex thing, I have felt pressured to have sex with him nearly every day/every time I saw him and even in the first 6 mo of us dating, felt so unsafe at one point I just started crying. He got mad and after I cried, I was mad, and there's been numerous times since where he has pouted when he did not have sex. Maybe 1 day a week I am not propositioned but definitely more often than not and to the point where it's just a turn off and therefore I will not do so at all. It has become such a toxic topic for us and I feel I am blamed for the disconnect but even our recent marriage counselor said to not talk about it for at least the 2 weeks of between session time because of how this topic is never positive for us anymore and to temporarily relieve the pressure. My husband's face spelled devastation but over the past few days, I feel like taking even the probability of sex off the table and a neutral 3rd party even suggesting such has created a domino effect to where there's a difference in treatment toward me. I can't help but feel at this point that he primarily has seen me as a source of sex and financial assistance, as i pay 50% of everything. He and I bicker at least every other day and I feel like he is holding back on something/hiding something but i don't know what and have no proof atm. Thoughts? Am I crazy?? Get out while I still can??
