cuddlebunny777

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Why are you preparing his work bag??

Equitable = fair.

Evenly = technically even.

So it can be fair without being technically even.

Because he is almost always rushing to get ready. Lately though I've just been letting him do it. But at first he used to always ask me to help him. And then it became a thing.  

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I still think a conversation is called for. Not just asking for chores to be done but an actual conversation. Such as "I feel the chores are not equitably divided (not 'evenly' or '50/50') and it's causing me to feel some resentment. Can we come to an agreement on who will do what and when?"

Yes. I agree. Well this past weekend we agreed to talk and we haven't so, I will bring it up just like that this weekend. 
 

Question: what's the difference between equitably and evenly? And why not use evenly. I have to find a word in Spanish for it. my husband is latin American so he will not know the word "equitable"

Ty in advance! 

45 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well when you've talked to your husband about the chores issues, what did he say? Is he not agreeing that he needs to do more chores? It sounds like he does have an expectation that you'll do most of them if he always asks why didn't you do it. When he can do it as well. I guess the problem is you can't just keep nagging him because that will just build resentment. Your husband has to take initiative without constantly being asked. But looks like he doesn't want to do that? 

The other issue is I don't think it would really be possible for your husband to do any big chores before he starts work. If he starts work at 12:00 p.m. and he needs to travel to work first, it wouldn't really leave a lot if time after waking up to do something like laundry or vacuuming the house. So unfortunately it seems like maybe your husband would only really be able to do something like that on his day off. 

I know it sucks but the problem is your husband is just not home for most of the day on weekdays so he's not physically there. So for example if you decide to cook lunch on your lunch break, obviously that's you having to do that because your husband isn't at home. 

I guess what I meant by having to compromise and adjust is trying to work with the situation. For example, if you'd like both of you to cook, your husband could cook on his day off. He could make a big batch of food and keep some leftovers in the fridge or freezer for later.

I think his chores need to be more realistic in terms of his schedule. He doesn't get home until after 8:00 p.m. so obviously he's not that likely to cook dinner so late. But you said he cooks breakfast for you most of the time and does the dishes most of the time. 

I could be wrong (sorry if I am), but I'm getting some impression that you're actually quite strict about chores. You said: "At least the bathroom can get away with scrubbing once a week". That sounds like you want it to be more than that? But you'll settle for once a week? To me once a week actually seems pretty often. It's not that likely that every week the shower gets really dirty or mouldy or something. Like, I'm not disputing that chores do need to be done. Or that your husband should help. But your expectations also sound a bit high.

You said you're worried you made a mistake to get married. Is this mostly because of the chores or is there anything else? You mentioned you hadn't been in a relationship or lived with anyone before your husband. I think you would find with any person that they have their own quirks and bad habits. Even if it's something else like the way they organise the fridge or pantry or something. I just don’t think that you'll ever find someone who matches 100% how you want things done. Likewise some things you do would be annoying to someone else as well. That's just how it is because people are all different. That's why I was saying that it's really important to communicate and find some compromises.

I found it a bit strange that you were saying maybe you shouldn't have gotten married or things were better when you were single. Seems a bit silly to say it's better to be single just because chores would be done how you want them. I think you're placing a huge importance on chores and placing it above your actual relationship.

Well he wakes up around 9ish or later to make breakfast, then he rests, does the dishes, and showers about 10 mins before he's supposed to leave. As you can imagine that type of routine leaves no time for anything. So I have to get up and prepare his work bag. He is usually rushing out the door. And the kitchen and room is a mess. 
 

Today though, he woke up quite a bit earlier and we were done with breakfast by 10 am. Dishes were done, bed was made. He showered super early too and got ready. He made his own work bag, and even had time leftover even after everything was done. The reason he woke up early though, is because he had received a package and wanted to open it before work lol. So he is actually capable of doing quite a bit in the morning, as he showed me today. He just chooses not to-  if he doesn't have an external motivation.  Getting up early enough to Help me around the house before work is apparently not motivating enough. That's my issue, too. Maybe the root of the problem. 

26 minutes ago, Morello said:

I might disagree with most posters above. From the OP's description, her husband stopped doing the chores he used to do, and has not addressed the issue at all with her and seems to be just living life as usual. She's then left to pick up the pieces and keep reminding him of what needs to be done, which does not seem to be enough. Does she actually need to ask him directly to do things? Why is this on her? A demanding job does not give a pass for people to not contribute a similar amount and just assume this is acceptable without a common ground. I get people saying that two people in a couple are never going to contribute the same, but this is different from systematically freeloading on partners to do the hard work.

Had he at least been proactive and addressed the issue with her first, then I'd cut him some slack, but from the description it just sounds like he's lazy and not putting in his share of the effort and wishing the issue away. Others here saying she needs to keep "communicating" with (i.e. asking) him to do stuff are missing the point. This is like mother's behaviour. He's a grown-up man and surely knows how much he needs to step in.

Thank you. This is exactly word-for-word what I'm trying to say. This is it. Nothing more, nothing less. 

On 9/23/2023 at 8:11 PM, Tinydance said:

Well, I know people always have divided views on this topic. I guess it also depends on the culture because in many cultures they still have more traditional gender roles and women are expected to do most of the housework.

I grew up in Australia and I find that here generally gender roles aren't as strong. Unless you immigrated from a different country. I generally find that here men and women are expected to contribute to a relationship 50/50. That's my opinion as well. But I think where there appears to be a problem is that in reality it's just not really possible to have things exactly 50/50. That's because people's individual life just isn't identical to each other. And as you said,  you and your husband work different hours and don't work the same type of job and so on. 

First of all, I think what I might look at is if your expectations of cleaning and household chores are the same. I think there are your everyday chores like washing the dishes, hanging your clothes, taking out the garbage, etc., where most people want to do them as they go. I think there are also some other chores like vacuuming, mopping the floor, scrubbing the toilet and shower, where people might differ in how often they want that done. 

You said it was easier when you were single and it was just you. That's the thing, in a relationship both people will have different habits and expectations of how they live their life. For example, there are some people who are extremely clean and neat. They might scrub the toilet, shower, etc. twice a week or something like that. But there are also people who will only scrub the toilet once a month if it's not particularly dirty.

I guess I'm just trying to see if you're the type of person who likes everything to be very orderly and clean all the time. But maybe your husband doesn't? I think it's about talking about everything and seeing what both your expectations are. The problem is that people have grown up with different habits and ways of life and they don't usually see anything wrong with their ways of life.

For example, I actually don't make the bed.  That's probably because I lived alone for eight years and just didn't really care if it was made or not lol Also I will clean the bathroom but I don't have a particular schedule or something. Like, I don't clean the bathroom once a week but just when it looks dirty. 

Unfortunately I think some part of a relationship or even living with roommates is accepting that other people don't always expect what you expect and that occasionally you will need to do things yourself. Like, if something annoys you but the other person doesn't mind, you might need to do it yourself. E.g. I'm happy to only scrub the toilet if it's dirty. But if you prefer it to be scrubbed once a week then you may need to do it. Of course this has to only be within reason and not that you have to be doing everything yourself the whole time.

I must say I also don't understand why you feel really exhausted and like all you do is work and do chores? Do you mean your husband does no chores at all? Usually most people work and do chores in the house and other life activities as well. Do you have a very mentally stressful job? I guess I was just wondering whether you want things to be particularly clean or particularly organised. You mentioned you do food prep, is that for the whole week?

Also you said it bothers you if there's a small load of washing there. Maybe you tend to really want chores to be done immediately? Like, can some chores be done later? For example, some people have a big dirty basket in the laundry and they wait until the whole basket is full and do a big load of washing at once. I think if there's only a bit of washing and it already starts to annoy you then maybe you also have your particular quirks and habits. That doesn't mean they're right or wrong but everyone has them and it's about compromise. 

I also think that while it might seem unfair, sometimes you do need to do something yourself because the other person actually just can't. I know you work as well but you finish work at 5:00 p.m. and you're working from home. Whereas your husband finishes work at 8:00 p.m. and he works from the airport. How far away is the airport? I'm guessing he might get home about 8:30 p.m. or later by the time he leaves the airport. Usually it's hard to get out of the airport lol

So while for example it's annoying if you always have to cook dinner. But if your husband doesn't get home until say 9:00 p.m. then he's just physically not there to cook dinner. Do you know what I mean? I do believe everything in marriage needs to be 50/50 but it needs to be within reason. 

I think definitely talk to your husband about what your expectations are but remember that his might not be the same. I think you need to come to a compromise that can work for both of you. Maybe he can help more when he is home.  But I don't think you can be resentful that you're having to do chores when he's just not there. E.g. If you want orange juice and he doesn't get home until 9:00 p.m., you might need to go buy the orange juice. 

I think that nagging your husband to do things won't work because nobody likes to be nagged. I think you need to specifically ask him to do things and be clear. But maybe also try to relax a bit and not always feel like chores need to be done 24/7. Like, how often do you do laundry or scrub the toilet or shower? Maybe the laundry can be done once the basket is full. Maybe try not to make your whole marriage just about chores and arguing about that. 

I understand when you were single maybe you had your own schedules and ways of doing things. But when you're living with another person things just can't be exactly like you want all the time. I think there need to be new ways of organising things that can suit you both. E.g. If your husband gets home from work at 9:00 p.m., it's a bit late and probably not realistic that he'll start doing laundry. But on his day off it might be realistic to ask him to do it. 

I just want to say thank you so much for your elaborate and thoughtful response, it gave me a lot of insight. 

So, the reason I feel the chores are not divided as equally is correct - he isn't home as often as I am. And of course, I just take care of everything while he isn't home. But, if he were to take care of some things before work OR on his days off, then I wouldn't have chore after chore during the week.
 

I want to emphasize that I don't expect him to do much of anything when he gets home from work. He usually has dinner waiting for him and we watch a show or something or talk until it's time for bed. I do consider him with that. I did apologize for the juice situation, and I realized it wasn't the juice. I was (am) just upset at the uneven chore division, and how he no longer does most of the chores he used to do when w first moved in. Granted, it was only the first week or so but I really thought it'd stick. For example, he once grabbed a load of laundry and placed it in the wash. 
For a few weekends, he was scrubbing the bathtub. 
On 1 weeknd, he helped mop while I swept the floor. I thought it'd always be like that. 

And yet for the past 2-3 weekends I've been doing everything. He still takes care of breakfast most days (except his weekends when he's too lazy so he sleeps in) and most dishes. But that's about it really. I definitely feel he can do more. But he's so tired even on his days off that he just sleeps, or we usually go out and do something. He no longer tosses the laundry to wash. I don't see what the inconvenience is, takes 10 seconds. I had to scrub the bathtub because it was starting to get a disgusting yellow circle in 1 small area and it's very noticeable. (it's otherwise squeaky clean) and yet it been there for weeks. I had to figure out how to take it off and I did. And  that is something he used to take care. At LEAST. The bathroom can get away with once a week. He agrees but doesn't do it anymore... 
 

I also want to emphasize that my husband does expect to live in a clean household, he is clean himself so I don't have to clean up after him too much but I feel he DOES leaves a lot to me in order to maintain that standard which makes me bitter. I also like living in a clean house but there's a lot that entails. If I leave the bed unmade consistently he will ask me why I don't do it. And therein lies the problem. If I do not scrub the stove it will not get done. If the toilet isn't scrubbed, or the small trash bin is full, these are questions I get asked. He will do it, but not without asking me about it first. And therein lies the problem. 

So I don't think I'm being quite unfair. It's just the switch in behavior that has me upset. The fact that I expect him to just do things without me asking is.. not sustainable really, and just the tired woman in me refusing to raise a man and take on his mental load; I just want him to be an equitable partner on his own. 
 

6 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Well, you don't exactly sound brilliant in this convo, either.

Why didn't you simply ask him, "Would you please pick up some juice?"

It would've been the same reaction though. He would've gotten upset that I asked and didn't do it myself. It's not the fact that I didn't ask. It's the fact that I wanted him to do it that got him upset. Very different.

It's me again, hi. 

For those who need more context on my sitch: please read my other post to get an idea, I hate to rewrite it, it's too much detail I'm sorry.
 

Since I am trying to get my husband to contribute more without absolutely overwhelming him. today I reminded him that that there was no juice. He knows this. And he kept saying "it's fine" I didn't want him to feel obligated to go and get it so I told him "we need juice and eggs" He again says it's fine. He was trying to play dumb with me. Then he comes home, I am obviously a bit upset and asks me if I expected him to come home with juice. I said "yes I would've liked that" and he goes off on me talking about his shoes got wet in the rain and why couldn't I have gone and why can't I be more considerate? (He's been walking all day at work) and he goes on and on about how since I was already out I could've done it. Well yes but I hadn't even taken a shower from how busy I was after work,  and didn't want to go in the grocery store un-showered. 

I am usually the one replenishing everything in our house, several times a week and doing grocery trips alone for a month now so that he can relax more. I ask him ONE time to get some juice and this is the response I get. We are making zero progress.

Before you ask: why didn't I directly ask him? I stayed to him that there was no juice. He understands this means I am asking him. We speak like that sometimes. In the past, I could say that and he would offer to bring home whatever I mentioned. Sometimes we ask but we don't always have to. We like when the other person offers. So, I was waiting for him to offer. When he didn't, yes I got upset.  

There are two of us in this house, we know what's missing and what isn't. He knows there's no juice. Asking is just unnecessary. The bottom line is he didn't want to go and he didn't plan on it either because he knew I'd go. 

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you mean wouldn't do it? This is a power struggle.  He wants you to do all the meanial stuff so he can relax after work.  Who took care of this before you got married? 

I didn't directly ask though. I just said there's no juice and he keep saying it's fine it's fine. I wanted him to offer so that he wouldn't feel obligated and I knew he was just playing dumb because when he got home he asked if I had wanted him to bring it...... I said YES I WOULDVE LIKED THAT. And he said I've been walking all day you need to be more considerate 

he usually took care of it before we got married. I'd tell him we're missing something and he'd offer to bring it home w/no problem. Now he doesn't. And the attitude stinks. 

21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Did you say "can you please pick up some juice on the way home?" Or did you just expect him to offer without being asked?

I didn't want to ask because I didn't want him to feel obligated to do it. So yes, I did expect him to offer. He didn't. And got upset about me. Not because I didn't ask but because I wanted him to do it. So, he would've gotten upset at me either way. 
 

also yes I do expect him to offer bc we both drink juice and we both live in the house and know what we need. and yet I never ask him to pick up anything I am always replenishing stuff several times a week so I don't see why he can't do it SOMETIMES. he's just acting like a spoiled brat. 

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why does he accuse you of being inconsiderate if you ask him to pick something up? 

This is why you should do your own shopping and let him do his. This way he can participate instead of "silently expects me to take care of when I'm off work". 

Please stop  mothering him. He's a grown man and knows how to do laundry and grocery shopping. 

Bc since he works on his feet all day he doesn't want to walk anymore when he gets off work. And he said why couldn't I do it. I told him I was running around doing other stuff and didn't get the chance. He completely dismissed me and said I should've picked it up since I was already out. 

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Have him do chores which don't require a lot of standing or walking since he has long hours of a physically demanding job.  Have him fold laundry and if he doesn't know how,  teach him.  Give him a stack of paper clutter and have him declutter.  Then you discard unwanted items.  If you're doing any food prep,  have him do a sit down job such as slicing,  plucking herbs,  for example.  Other sit down chores would be paying bills online or online purchases.  Or,  have him leave voicemails regarding important matters.  He can give you sedentary help. 

I just reminded him there was no juice and he came home and asked me if I wanted him to go pick it up. I said I would've liked that.  And he said I should be more considerate. He hasn't stopped on his way home from work for ANYTHING in over 2 months (bc usually I take care of getting stuff when we're running low) and he hasn't gone grocery shopping w me in about a month. 

On 9/19/2023 at 7:19 PM, Wonderstruck said:

This is a valid point.

I'm curious what @cuddlebunny777's husband does, beyond working full-time, that contributes to the "team".

Because, as it stands, it sounds like she ALSO works full-time and takes care of the housework. So, what else does HE do, that would warrant her being in charge of the housework component?

He makes breakfast, does the dishes often, (usually when I'm at work) those are the only things he does pretty consistently (usually bc I'm at work) that he doesn't expect me to do it. Everything else he silently expects me to take care of when I'm off work. 

1 hour ago, Coily said:

Sidebar aside. 

OP, when you start weighing your relationship on how much of X or Y has to be done; you lose sight of what you don’t have to do. You feed resentment and stave gratitude, not only for your husband, but yourself.

 The man works construction in an airport, which to those who are clueless about what that entails... well let me enlighten you. Not only does one have the normal wear an tear of a construction job, but there are hoops at every turn due to security. Left a hammer in the toolbox? Could be 30 minute task to grab what would be 5 minutes. Going through security with tools can be a nightmare, and yes sometimes you have to get the same screening treatment as regular passengers.  It’s exhausting physically and mentally, as you have to track every tool and every part. 
 

Now maybe he doesn’t get what exhausts you about your job. Well he can’t “just know”. Which I think is a key part of your marriage problem, you two don’t communicate well. Sounds like you talk at your husband, and yes it takes two for a conversation; but I have to ask when do these talks happen?

Something else that may be food for thought, make a punch list of chores. Not who does what, but all the chores. And you both check off what’s done. Don’t keep score, just something that is simple and straightforward, without accusations or all the other petty recriminations others suggest. Let him visualize in his own way what needs to be done.

Correction: my husband does not work construction at the airport. He just works in customer service. He's walking all day to and from different sides of the airport.

About this list of chores: We both check off what's done? How do we know who does what? lol. Do we just randomly start doing chores and assign it to ourselves? Trying to understand better 

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

OP,  I'm sorry your thread got derailed and hijacked. 

Bottom line, staying quiet and seething and being resentful without having a discussion with your husband will solve nothing. So I recommend you have a talk with him. Not right after an argument, not when you're staring down a huge pile of laundry or his unpacked work bag and not while he's playing video games. Maybe after dinner on his day off. And I recommend you choose words that will have the most impact and be the most effective. 

I did tell him that I'd like to talk. So far all I got was "ugh can we do it another day" (that was on Monday- his day off) let's see what day he chooses. 

21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Like I mentioned earlier, I got married when I wasn't ready to be a wife. I had wanted to date him a few more years but he insisted on marriage. I was barely old enough to buy myself a beer when we got married.

I tried to tell him this and he's like "there's no such thing as being ready" so I'm like am I just making excuses? 

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

He does tons for me. If I am working part time for now and he makes 6 figures who is floating our life ? Him. He makes my breakfast because he is up earlier. He does laundry , wash, fold and put away. He does the grass and snow blows the drive way, he takes out the garbage .  He will go to the store for me. He supports me emotionally and on and on. He does A LOT. I supported him in massive ways over the last year because he had a TBI , now I am burnout and he is helping me . 
 

When we were young I did everything , including float the entire life on my income because his mental state was so bad. 
 

Marriage is never 50/50. Ever. One or the other is always giving more or differently. Marriage is a TEAM. You are thinking still as an individual. 

Well that's fair. Your husband does a lot more than mine lol. 
 

how do I stop thinking as an individual when I feel respect is lost through these things? 

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

When I was married I only worked part time the first few years. My husband worked full time. But he still washed the dishes after I had cooked dinner and we were finished eating. Then we relaxed on the couch together. He ironed his own dress shirts. We did laundry together (and we had to use a communal laundry room). When our son was born we took turns getting up in the middle of the night, changing diapers and feeding him and he would give the baby a bath while I cleaned up after dinner. I did the grocery shopping and he helped put things away. No one kept track of who was working more hours. 

Now, his job was more mentally demanding than physical. But even with doing chores he still had time to play his guitar and read books and watch Drew Carey (his favorite show).

I stand by my earlier advice: talk calmly to him when you aren't arguing or just finished an argument. Don't use "You never" or "I ALWAYS" statements. Those are not helpful.

Not wanting to be married is a separate issue, but I wonder if things would improve if your husband did more of the chores and cleaning up.

Why are you no longer married to him, if I may ask?

29 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Others may disagree, I don't know, but my thought is you don't say that. You are saying you know this is not him needing to change, it's deeper, you don't know if you can commit to this marriage. You need to figure that out one way or another. If you are in, be in. If you are out, be out. I can imagine anyone being ok hearing their new wife or hubby saying " yeah I'm not sure if this is what I want". He can't fix that so you'd be torturing him for nothing. 

Well, part of him is him and part of it is me....  

he sometimes gives the impression that he married me so I could take care of his chores while he figures out his life and that's part of what leads me to question if this is right for me. because there is nothing wrong w that, but I don't know if it's for ME.

24 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

My husband works a very mentally stressful job that challenges his disability to the maximum. He works 7:30-5  He also started a Masters Degree which he does online at night . He had 4 chores inside the house . I have taken over 3 of them as I am working on my business part time by choice as I am burnout and been suffering severe anxiety. So I have taken over most of his inside work because for the next 6 years he will be in a pressure cooker with work and a Masters. 
 

Marriage is a team effort and sport . 

And in return what does he do for you? When he isn't working or studying? I mean, if you feel that's fair, but I personally couldn't see myself in that position, and that's where I struggle. Bc I know at some point I will be there. And if my husband doesn't have time to do any chores I'm going to be upset. Unfortunately. What were his chores and which one does he still do? 

27 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Just how do you think marriage works? Yes, you work nice comfortable office job. He works physically exhausting one. Who do you think at the end of the day has more strenght to do stuff around home? I am not defending him, if he has times for video games, he should maybe take some of the load at home. However, he maybe is using video games to relax himself after. If he is on his legs all day, dont think you can count on him for too much around house. You would maybe like to. But realistically, do you really think he can do many stuff around house with that kind of exhaustion? You mentioned construction workers. But with your attitude I dont think you would even aknowledged that he is tired even if he is a construction worker. Realistically speaking, yes, you should be the one that takes most of the work there.

You have a right not to be happy with the chores being divided the way they are. And by all means you should talk to him about that. However I dont think you are realistic about it. Nore that your outlook on that is very healthy for your marriage. You maybe imagined that you would be "A Lady that doesnt have to lift a finger" when it comes to marriage. You work a nice office job, you would maybe like to come home and relax, have a glass of wine or whatever. And that is fine. But in a reality somebody has to pick up a slack. Meals wont make themselves, dishes wont clean themselves and clothes wont wash themselves. If he cant do it because he is tired, then you should and vice- versa. That is marriage. Its not always 50-50. Heck, its not always even fair deal. Sorry.

Also would like to know how do you divide paying bills if its not a secret. Because I have a hunch that he is paying more there since dont think somebody who complains loudly about him not buying big enough bouquet, would tolerate him not paying more and that it would be a first thing you would complain here instead of chores.

I am not asking him to do jumping jacks and handstands for me when he gets home. I am asking him to put away the clothes from the couch AFTER I have already put the laundry in, it has dried and I have folded it. I am asking him to make the bed after he has gotten up from it. I am asking him to check the laundry once in a while, takes clothes out, or sit and fold clothes. It takes 5 mins. Every single one of these chores takes 5 mins or LESS. I am asking him to be on time for work so he can pack his work lunch. I'm unrealistic? Please. 

21 minutes ago, mylolita said:

It’s okay cuddle! Don’t worry!

 

You need to talk to your husband hunny! 
 

Please have a calm and honest conversation with him. Tell him how you feel! Choose a Sunday when he is free and not at work. You might be surprised. He might be feeling the same way! Better to have these conversations about doubts now before you have children in the mix. Children need both parents and both parents stable and loving. It’s a blessing it is just you two at the moment. You have the luxury of space and time to work out what you both want! 
 

It’s okay! No one is perfect.

 

x

Agreed. I will. I just don't know how to tell him that part of me is often yelling I want out. That's the hard part and the part that I know is the main issue of everything, absolutely everything. 

1 minute ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

He's 29, we dated a year and half. It's not an arranged marriage. His mom did pressure me a lot. And I resent her for it! But ultimately I did make the choice. 

I telll myself not to do it but I end up having to do it because he is always rushing and then I feel bad!

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Stop doing this. You're not his mother.

How old is he? How long were you dating before marriage? Is this an arranged marriage? You seem to have been forced into marriage before you were ready. 

He's 29, we dated a year and half. It's not an arranged marriage. His mom did pressure me a lot. And I resent her for it! But ultimately I did make the choice. 

35 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

That is adjusting though . No one said marriage was easy. It isn’t just dating but living together . It is 100% committed in every way with everything . 

Yeah, part of me thinks he thinks he is the only one adjusting (obviously I know he has to adjust to me) but I wonder how he's feel if the roles were reversed and he worked from home. 

9 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Cuddle,

 

If you truly love someone, and have married them till death due you part, through sickness and health, and everything in between… whether someone has done the dishes or what they spend or chore routines or any of that, should not shake your marriage and make you question whether to file for divorce or not.

 

Marriage, to me, is going through the small things, and the huge things - like terminal illness, children, death, house foreclosure, job loss - all of the bad things that can happen and more; and working through it, because you love each other and you’re a team and best friends and in this together, for life! 
 

I don’t get this from you when reading your posts? 
 

I understand not feeling ready or feeling pressured - I’m sure most people who have ever been in a long term dating relationship can relate to thinking “we should tie the knot!” but it is such a huge decision that I feel, nowadays, has lost it’s gravitas. People divorce easy.

 

I understand your hurt feelings regarding the flowers - I feel like you weren’t being heard or appreciated in a way that was important to you. These small things are often a sign that something big is wrong or needs fixing. But you must have the foundation of true love, or marriage working out is almost impossible.

 

I’ve only been with my husband 15 years, so I’m not a seasoned wife who has decades worth of marriage advice - but I will say, you need love, respect, deep understanding, open and honest communication and a joint will to make things work.

 

x

I hear you. I do agree. And Something big IS wrong. I don't know if I'm built for the lifestyle of being a wife. I am trying to adapt and just feel like I'm losing myself every day, and it's bigger than the dishes not being done. For me, it's a matter of respect. I don't feel he is respecting or considering me when he leaves chores for me that he could've done in the morning. 

I take time out of my busy day to pack his work bag almost evryday and he can't even make the bed consistently.