Aaron

38 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

If you’ve mentioned your ages, I missed it. The first thing I’d decide is whether I want to adopt a perspective that supports my continuing this relationship, or whether I want out.

This choice is crucial to everything else, because if you want a future with this woman but cling to a position that’s adversarial to that, you’re wasting your time and hers.

If you want out, it’s simple to say that you’ve been positioned too badly to continue. Your policy is to never involve yourself with anyone who is still involved with an ex lover—in any way, shape or form beyond shared children. (This is my private rule, but I’m also too old for the scenario below.)

However, if you want to preserve this relationship, you’ll need to adopt the youth clause that considers high school and university examples of ‘contaminated’ environments that force socialization between exes.

This means it’s typical for ex lovers to continue sharing classes, clubs, activities, a campus and social circles, AND everyone already knows this. So individual discretion about what degree of potential exposure to a new lover’s exes you can handle is a crap shoot, and that gamble is on each individual to manage. And if you can’t or won’t manage that risk on your own, then that limits your dating pool to off campus.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

Make your decision and stick with it, but don’t hang around on the fence with one foot in the victimization camp while the other hangs around because you love her.

 If you want this to work but don’t want to be around the guy, then skip any shows or parties where he has every right to be. And don’t give her any crap about it.

This doesn’t mean you’re wrong for your feelings, it just means you need to adopt the perspective along with the behaviors that align with your decision. Otherwise, you’ll just sabotage yourself no matter what you wish were true but simply is not.

Yes may have missed dropping age here.

I am 30 M and she is 30 F

I feel more embarrassed now revealing my age with this situation.

43 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You done messed up A-A-Ron! (Sorry, you know the meme) 🤣

I dunno, I wouldnt be comfortable either. "Oh, this is the person you should be closed with because he is my friend, you have nothing to worry about it baby, he is a friend and friend only. Oh, I sleped with that person but its OK, we werent exclusive and it only brings me closer to you baby!"

See how downright manipulative it is? To say to you how you should be friends with people she straight up sleped with? And who she told you how they are only friends? If you forced her to hang out with one of your FWBs, she would probably be insulted with the sole idea of that. But since she did it, you are suppose to swallow that up and continue like its nothing.

I wouldnt pass over it. Simply because

a) She doesnt deserve it because she did lie to you and such person is not to be trusted for the future

b) If you pass over it now she wouldnt see it as a positive, she would see it as a negative. And that she can do whatever she wants next time. So next time you guys have a fight, she can run over to the same "friend" or maybe some other one she sleped with too. Because I highly doubt thats the only one. Liars and cheaters dont stop at 1.

To add to this and not wanting to distort a situation but he was her romantic counter part in the performance I met him at. That when she told me he was not a threat. The performance went on for 3 weeks and it was at the end of the 3 week performance when she slept with him.

Months after that, still prior to me knowing about it, she's in another show and says something along the lines that she thinks it unprofessional for anyone to sleep with their romantic stage counter part. 

After I find out I confronted her about that statement and go a wish wash answer on why she said that and what it meant.

1 hour ago, Starlight925 said:

As uncomfortable as this is for you, I kind of agree with her.

You two weren't exclusive, and you had even discussed being non-exclusive, sort of seeing where it goes.

She told you that this person wasn't a threat, and if you believe her, then that's the truth.

I honestly don't see what's wrong with what she did, and I'm afraid you could throw away what could be a great relationship, with a bit more communication.

Are you exclusive now?  Have you had that conversation?  

This is more than the situation for me than her actions of sleeping with someone. It's the dynamic I am then forced to deal with alone with no consequences on her end. 

This was revealed to me after we became a committed relationship which was not the route either I would've gone. I would've rather not known or known prior going into it. I feel I was won over than the truth came out. 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

This seems to have a lot to do with the situation. You were both in the throes of a breakup, on the rebound and that's a confusing state. It seems she went through some sort of phase before deciding to get fully involved with you.

She was eventually forthcoming when the time was right so all you can do is see how it goes from here. 

This is very much about the situation rather than the actions. Kinda feel dooped because it was after we became a committed relationship that I was told this. 

I don't think I would have said yes to being committed if knowing this prior. 

My girlfriend and I have been dating since the beginning of July. We met friends back in October last year and hit it off and started seeing each other a lot. We are never officially dating but we shared a very intimate and emotional relationship. We both previously came out of long-term relationships so both little hesitant to start a new relationship. Both agreed around March that having The space to figure out if we wanted to date would be okay which would mean potentially seen other people if we wanted to but continued to see each other and share that deep intimate relationship. She is in musical theater and very committed and devoted to her singing. Fast forward to a couple days after we started dating I found out that she slept with someone who is part of the musical theater that she's part of. This was someone that she introduced me to as a group of friends that were very close to her and that she would like me to get to know a lot. I was informed they were just only friends and not to be threatened even though I never inquired that to begin with I thought was odd. I am now faced with supporting her and going to her shows and now constantly being around the individual that slept with her just 3 months before we officially started dating but during the infancy of a relationship where it was very much intimate. She said that sleeping with him was her sign that she wanted to be with me and fully committed. This is someone now that I will never be able to escape and always be around and constantly reminded that she slept with him. I'm struggling with whether or not I still want to be with her because the fact that I was introduced and shown affection and everything around this person then weeks after meeting them she slept with him just does not feel right to me though I'm fully supportive of her taking the time to try to figure out what she wanted in life. I am more so bothered by the situation I'm in and that if she honestly did consider me even the slightest as a potential partner that the future situation of having to be around this person and confronting it day in and day out would be no big deal or not weigh on me like it does. I've talked to her how this has hurt me and the situation it's put me in and her only response is well we technically weren't dating so she wasn't in the wrong which I understand. However I just can't shake the feeling and understanding that I would never do that to someone that I honestly considered to be a future partner. I just know the turmoil that it would put another individual to continually to have to see that person and what it would mean for the foundation of a relationship. I also feel a bit lied to or deceived by telling me these were friends no threats yet something did happen 3 months prior to dating then I get told after that this all happened. I don't know if I'm overreacting or if this is something I should let go.