We had this relationship for 1.3 years. I ***ed up alot of stuff, was toxic without realising it cus of things in my past, and it was my first real relationship. I lied about something that happend before us, trying to protect her feelings. i didnt know u had to keep going on dates, and make sure it doenst get ' normal' she stuck with me all this time though, so the love WAS there for sure from her end. Im only now self aware of what i did and didnt do. What i shouldve done better etc. I made jokes that made her insecure, all the stupid stuff.
I love her to death, but i did so much that maybe she thinks i dont love her, untill she heard me crying over the phone.
She helped me through some hard times, and i helped her through therapy.
So my ex and i broke up a week ago because basicly, I was toxic without realising it. My ex always pushed me to get mental help. I never belived that i needed it. Im getting it now for me.
She says shes proud of me doing that.
She was talking to a dude that was in a toxic relation too. So i questioned that. Now I dont care abt that really. But she is very sure she doenst want ANY RELATIONSHIP AT ALL. I belive her as she never lied to me in the slightest.
She has her own set of problems and got a literal panik attack because she thought i didnt trust her.
She has kept persisting on not wanting a relation with me, that guy, or anyone, and she feels a burden is off from her shoulders. She wants to be free.
So we broke up, i broke down and tried saving US. Didnt work. She said from the very first she wants to end on good terms. She wants me to be her close friend. She has abandonment and attatching issues so i belive this too.
She says she still cares a bit for me, but the love was gone. Though in the way she acts, and her tone of voice im not sure.
She says she felt relieved being out of a relationship, and not in one with me because i am too much to handle AT that time.
We both agreed being friends could work. Then some talks later, i showed her i CAN BE UNDERSTANDING, CALM AND KIND.
Basicly fast forward to last phone call. She was surprised, maybe startled i started talking about getting a New girlfriend in the future. Then i said, or maybe with you as you dont know what time will do. Then she said true. Also surprised by the fact im understanding, calm and kind. Also that im searching mental health help. After this she said" im confused and dont know what i want, except that rn i dont want a relarionship at all, i need a month rest and then ill contact you myself." She is genuinly confused.
ALL i know is she wants to be friends AT least.
I feel like she has been influenced by her parent too. They are controlling and protective.
I myself am just preparing for the very worst.
What do you guys think and got any tips?
P.s, she REALLY never lied. She was loyal and honest to me AT all times.
