I am 54 years old. Just turned.
I am nothing, I have nothing. Due to my own stupidity, my sons have disowned me. I didn't abuse them, I tried to be a good father, but like everything I have done in life, I failed.
I am separated. Unlike me screwing things up, this one is not my fault. She herself has her own issues and the main thing I feel in this, is I still love her. But there is no real hope. We are separated, she just had changed about her own life direction unbeknownst to me, and her plans did not include me. She refuses to talk about it but still demands for me to pay for her place to live as well as her education as she has gone back to school.
I'm stupid. I want so bad for her to do good, that I just let myself go through emotional abuse from her, and just let myself get walked in.
Many have strength to not let that happen. I don't have that. I never have. I end up having false hopes with no realistic future for myself.
I get uglier by the day, I have no real reasonable hope, I hate myself every day now. When I go to work, and when I leave, I always end up saying that I hate myself, and keep saying I wish to die. Every day, I wish to die. I don't want to be alive. I don't have a good reason to be here, and I have nothing to look forward to.
We should be aloud to end life on our own terms. Others don't know what is "best" for us, therapists certainly don't know. We ourselves know if we truly serve a real purpose.
I don't. I serve no purpose and having peace away from living is what I want.
For the past few weekends, I took an overdose on benadryl (12 extra strength tablets) as well as 10 blood pressure pills. I ended up on a high but that's not what I wanted. I wanted to not wake at all. I can't even succeed at my attempt.
I'm a loser. I have never been one anyone truly wanted. I see many others happy with their significant other, dating, holding hands, being a couple. Sure they might fight at home, but they have each other.
I have nothing. I'm a ***ing loser, I'm ***ing ugly, I am a failure. I'm good to people but I know people will see me and say I'm ***.
I just need that little shove to finally end it. It's what I want. There is no "wait and things will get better". There is no "God has a plan". I'm 54. I'm smarter than the stupid words of hope.
I WANT TO DIE. That's the real thing. I'm not looking for reasons to stay around. I am looking for strength to end my own life. I don't care about eternity. My will has to just take my body parts and cremate me. No funeral, no memorial.
Just let me go. I beg. Let me die. I don't want to see myself in the mirror everyday. I don't want to hear my voice begging to die. Just please make it happen.
PJ
