I am married with a wonderful lady who of course has her own flaws like all of us do and a 1 year old daughter that I would die for. I love both of them dearly but I have been going through a rough time silently behind closed doors.
Before I dive into the depths of my silent sorrow, I was previously in a relationship with a girl whom until today, strongly believe that she was the girl of my dream, the sunshine to my gloomy personality. I believe I was hers too, undoubtedly. Not too long after we were together, she got pregnant. We were probably in our mid 20s. I remember breaking the news to my mother, crying out loud out of fear and joy. Fear from being a young clueless father but happy that I am actually starting a family with my soul mate. I wasn’t rich enough to start a family most might say but I was determined to do whatever it takes to make this happen. Unfortunately, when we tried to break the news to her family, I was humiliated by them. I remember her father saying that she will end up being a prostitute to make ends for the baby and much more other nasty stuff that I think it’s pointless to get into. Afterall, she was born into a traditional strict asian household, her family is pretty wealthy too. I knew it from the start because I knew her brother before I got with her. A good friend at one point in fact who in the end, turn his back on me when he found out that I was in a relationship with her sister. He was the reason why her family hated me from the start. I say this because my ex told me that he was telling their parents how awful of a person I am but in all honestly, I helped him throughout college and we graduated together. Look, I understand that an unplanned baby is what caused me this. A decision that I made that brought me here, all upon my bare hands. Soon after, they completely lock her away from me, preventing her from seeing me and affirms that abortion is the only way to go about this. We were broken, truly broken. I tried every possible way to try to negotiate my way through this to no avail. It finally came to an end where my ex agrees to it, stating that its a mean of giving back for the 20 plus years that she was brought up by her father. I dont blame her at all, it must have been too much for her. And we went on with the abortion not long after. I must say, nothing feels worse than, im sorry if this is too strong but nothing feels worse than killing your own baby. I still hold that weight on me til this day. Life was then a spiral black hole for me since. I stopped being social, it was tough on the people around me as I was quite of a popular kid on my island. Essentially, I stopped living and all I did was work to try to prove them wrong. But one thing I could never ever ***ing forgive myself doing was not taking care of my baby angel, the one who has lost it all, the one who suffered in that abortion theatre. We were still together for 3 years after her abortion but looking back, I am sure it was hell for her. I guess you could say that I was in a depression and constantly angry all the time, though I have never laid my hands on her, I was very abusive with my words and would always have a mental breakdown . It was disgusting as I’ve always been a strong person and a joy to be around with from what I’ve been told. Unfortunately, we dont get to see a happy ending like in The Notebook. After 3 years, she decided to leave. I deserved it, I was treating her like ***, there were so many occasions where I called it off too to only crawl back to her in the end but at that moment I knew this was all said and done. Couple months later, I started talking to an old female friend of mine who i met before my ex. Things kicked off and i honestly just wanted a *** buddy. I’ve told her exactly that from the start but she kept fighting for me to try on a relationship with her. She mentioned that from the moment she knew me years ago she was really attracted to me since, i did too but a friend of mine was going after her. I was a brocode guy but he failed as I find out years later that she was only going out with him so she could spend time with me, looking back, it made sense. But it was still a firm no as i still hope to get back with my ex one day. If you guessed it, she eventually became my wife. Same destiny just a different girl. Yes this fool got a girl pregnant again but it was the complete opposite this time. My wife is from a broken low income family and every single one of her family welcome me from day 1. I know my wife loves me dearly as I was still struggling that time, a ring is enough to seal it. No fancy wedding no nothing. I’ve always dreamed of a simple woman like her. Just a ring and she went on fighting for 9 months to deliver us our beautiful perfect daughter. Now bear in mind that a big part of my heart was still with my ex, of course my wife didnt know this. Point is everything happened so fast and I was just pretty much nailing it from the outside but no one in the world knows that i still think about her everyday. We talked a little bit while my wife was pregnant, she was shocked but still congratulated me. We would secretly text in the middle of the night, I could tell she was going through some battle of her own. Nothing sexual or leading, just two people who still care for each other. Few months before my daughter was born, we stopped talking or precisely she stopped replying. I believe we could still be together if i didnt take this path.
Fast forward to today, my daughter is about to turn 1. I’ve come a long way, happier and my career has been progressing well. To most people, i have it all. A beautiful wife, both my family and in laws get together well. And the cutest daughter I could ever ask for. This is it right? Nature has given back to me after years of suffering. But in my books, its a blessing in disguise. I love and cherish where things are at now but i still miss her dearly. I dont think about her any more but I dont think about her any less. Everyday, and even more when I go through an argument with my wife. I need a way out of this, I genuinely wish to give my family 100% of it all. My wife is fantastic but my demons keep coming back. Maybe the reason is because though I know my wife loves me dearly, she’s got a temper, coming from a broken family I get it. As opposed to my ex who biologically could not raise her voice. Times like this, all I could ever think of was her warmth. No matter how ***ed up I was, she was an absolute angel. Whereas me and my wife would scream and shout when things go wrong. Still we love each other very much. My wife knew about the abortion too in case you are wondering. To sum it up, how can i move on from this? I know I should be happy and grateful but i still cry alone some nights thinking about her. I wonder how she’s doing, i still stalk her a lil to know she stopped showing up for gatherings and stuff. I feel awful and I know I should be happier.
I am married with a wonderful lady who of course has her own flaws like all of us do and a 1 year old daughter that I would die for. I love both of them dearly but I have been going through a rough time silently behind closed doors. Before I dive into the depths of my silent sorrow, I was previously in a relationship with a girl whom until today, strongly believe that she was the girl of my dream, the sunshine to my gloomy personality. I believe I was hers too, undoubtedly. Not too long after we were together, she got pregnant. We were probably in our mid 20s. I remember breaking the news to my mother, crying out loud out of fear and joy. Fear from being a young clueless father but happy that I am actually starting a family with my soul mate. I wasn’t rich enough to start a family most might say but I was determined to do whatever it takes to make this happen. Unfortunately, when we tried to break the news to her family, I was humiliated by them. I remember her father saying that she will end up being a prostitute to make ends for the baby and much more other nasty stuff that I think it’s pointless to get into. Afterall, she was born into a traditional strict asian household, her family is pretty wealthy too. I knew it from the start because I knew her brother before I got with her. A good friend at one point in fact who in the end, turn his back on me when he found out that I was in a relationship with her sister. He was the reason why her family hated me from the start. I say this because my ex told me that he was telling their parents how awful of a person I am but in all honestly, I helped him throughout college and we graduated together. Look, I understand that an unplanned baby is what caused me this. A decision that I made that brought me here, all upon my bare hands. Soon after, they completely lock her away from me, preventing her from seeing me and affirms that abortion is the only way to go about this. We were broken, truly broken. I tried every possible way to try to negotiate my way through this to no avail. It finally came to an end where my ex agrees to it, stating that its a mean of giving back for the 20 plus years that she was brought up by her father. I dont blame her at all, it must have been too much for her. And we went on with the abortion not long after. I must say, nothing feels worse than, im sorry if this is too strong but nothing feels worse than killing your own baby. I still hold that weight on me til this day. Life was then a spiral black hole for me since. I stopped being social, it was tough on the people around me as I was quite of a popular kid on my island. Essentially, I stopped living and all I did was work to try to prove them wrong. But one thing I could never ever ***ing forgive myself doing was not taking care of my baby angel, the one who has lost it all, the one who suffered in that abortion theatre. We were still together for 3 years after her abortion but looking back, I am sure it was hell for her. I guess you could say that I was in a depression and constantly angry all the time, though I have never laid my hands on her, I was very abusive with my words and would always have a mental breakdown . It was disgusting as I’ve always been a strong person and a joy to be around with from what I’ve been told. Unfortunately, we dont get to see a happy ending like in The Notebook. After 3 years, she decided to leave. I deserved it, I was treating her like ***, there were so many occasions where I called it off too to only crawl back to her in the end but at that moment I knew this was all said and done. Couple months later, I started talking to an old female friend of mine who i met before my ex. Things kicked off and i honestly just wanted a *** buddy. I’ve told her exactly that from the start but she kept fighting for me to try on a relationship with her. She mentioned that from the moment she knew me years ago she was really attracted to me since, i did too but a friend of mine was going after her. I was a brocode guy but he failed as I find out years later that she was only going out with him so she could spend time with me, looking back, it made sense. But it was still a firm no as i still hope to get back with my ex one day. If you guessed it, she eventually became my wife. Same destiny just a different girl. Yes this fool got a girl pregnant again but it was the complete opposite this time. My wife is from a broken low income family and every single one of her family welcome me from day 1. I know my wife loves me dearly as I was still struggling that time, a ring is enough to seal it. No fancy wedding no nothing. I’ve always dreamed of a simple woman like her. Just a ring and she went on fighting for 9 months to deliver us our beautiful perfect daughter. Now bear in mind that a big part of my heart was still with my ex, of course my wife didnt know this. Point is everything happened so fast and I was just pretty much nailing it from the outside but no one in the world knows that i still think about her everyday. We talked a little bit while my wife was pregnant, she was shocked but still congratulated me. We would secretly text in the middle of the night, I could tell she was going through some battle of her own. Nothing sexual or leading, just two people who still care for each other. Few months before my daughter was born, we stopped talking or precisely she stopped replying. I believe we could still be together if i didnt take this path. Fast forward to today, my daughter is about to turn 1. I’ve come a long way, happier and my career has been progressing well. To most people, i have it all. A beautiful wife, both my family and in laws get together well. And the cutest daughter I could ever ask for. This is it right? Nature has given back to me after years of suffering. But in my books, its a blessing in disguise. I love and cherish where things are at now but i still miss her dearly. I dont think about her any more but I dont think about her any less. Everyday, and even more when I go through an argument with my wife. I need a way out of this, I genuinely wish to give my family 100% of it all. My wife is fantastic but my demons keep coming back. Maybe the reason is because though I know my wife loves me dearly, she’s got a temper, coming from a broken family I get it. As opposed to my ex who biologically could not raise her voice. Times like this, all I could ever think of was her warmth. No matter how ***ed up I was, she was an absolute angel. Whereas me and my wife would scream and shout when things go wrong. Still we love each other very much. My wife knew about the abortion too in case you are wondering. To sum it up, how can i move on from this? I know I should be happy and grateful but i still cry alone some nights thinking about her. I wonder how she’s doing, i still stalk her a lil to know she stopped showing up for gatherings and stuff. I feel awful and I know I should be happier.