the naive

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t think the affair partner should be the one - perhaps anonymously ?  I just don’t see her being the right messenger. 

I'm not sure how to do it anonymous, and educated guess would tell them it's me

19 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

It's really really complex to say what's better. Some people prefer to know, some not. Sometimes there are kids involved, sometimes not. Some marriages can navigate through infidelity, some not.

I think it's quite bold to decide what's better for someone else. Maybe if you're not involved and it's a friend who've told you they prefer to eventually know - then yes, maybe you tell.

But when you didn't care in the first place and you were involved it's so much worse - your motives can rarely be the right ones and you can't know if you're doing anyone any good. So better not.

He's decided for all of us. I just can't let go of this feeling, I should tell her, but I do see everyone's point. 

9 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Having been cheated on I can tell you I would have wanted to be told.

Your motives are the only thing I question.  Why do you feel the need to tell his wife?

Revenge? To have him to yourself? Hurt him like he hurt you?

  Obviously his wife's feelings didn't bother you during the affair so why now?

One of the biggest problems with our world these days is when wrongs are not exposed to the harsh light of day.  People regularly say don't cause trouble, let it go and let them figure it out, it is none of your business and on and on. This is the problem because as of right now his wife doesn't get to make the choice to stay, go to counseling, kick him out, divorce or what ever because she is being lied to, put at physical harm from possible STD's and wasting her life with a liar and cheater.  

You harmed her by banging her husband and you continue to harm her with your silence. 

 If you all of a sudden want to do the right thing for the right reasons then tell her and take your lumps for your transgressions and deceit but don't be surprised for what happens to your life in the wake from the truth coming out. 

 Simply saying you are doing it to relieve your guilt is short sighted even if it is true.  I would tell because my conscience would haunt me knowing someone is being hurt and I did nothing to stop it, close friend or stranger they are still a person that should know the truth.

    Lost

I don't want revenge, if they stay together, that's her choice, but it should be her choice. 

The past couple of months, he's make all of our decisions for us, which I allowed. And I do wonder if he had stayed away, maybe I wouldn't be considering it now.

I naively and stupidly believed we would be together, and that we were working out if we worked as a couple before he left, and then he was going to leave, with minimal damage. 

I know, I'm going to have to accept everything that comes my way, and I more than deserve it. I do just as much damage to myself.

I do wonder how I would feel if he cheats again and I could have told her. She, if she wants to, could leave him and find someone who actually loves her. 

No matter what I do, I feel like it's the wrong thing

No I haven't told her. I nearly did

I think I might have to. I can't cope with him in and out of my life, and if we continue working together, that's always going to happen. 

My life feels like it's destroyed whether I tell her or not. At least I did feel I was doing the right thing by telling her

I have been looking, but I love my job and I earn really good money. I'm really hoping to be out of there by the end of the year, but I haven't find the same job or similar money. I've even considered moving area, but right now it's not really an option 

Nearly 2 years, he's in middle management.

I don't want to be with him, not after everything. There will be no walking into the sunset together. 

He never acted unavailable, looking back, he really was an arsehole 

I have accepted what I've been apart of, I know I have to live with this, and I am trying to redeem myself with my friends and family.

I've already learnt from this experience and never intend for it to happen again.

We work together

I know I have to face the consequences of my actions, and I am definitely not the hero

It didn't work out months ago, and I left them both alone. I didn't intend to tell her and I was trying to find a way to move on.

I've only considered it now, because 4 months on and still in this cycle, but he knows I'm not willing to restart things. I don't want to be the third person in their marriage anymore.

I'm not proud of what I was a part of, and did (very, very naively) believe he loved me and wanted us to be together. 

I have more than enough proof, but I don't want to flaunt the affair. Just confirm to her she was right and she should know she can't trust him

Official we were together a year, but we've been involved for over 18 months.

Hi,

I'm going around in circles and could use some advice. 

I was in a relationship with a married man. We broke up 4 months ago and 2 months ago, I found the courage to take a step back. A month or so ago, he started getting back in touch. I ignored him at first and then begged him to leave me alone. He continued to message, telling me he loved and missed me, and questioned if he wanted to stay with his wife or be with me. It felt like he wanted to start things back up again, as he also said about seeing me. I kept my distance. 

Having taken a step back, I can see he was just using both of us. She never deserved any of this and she definitely doesn't deserve her husband telling another woman he loves her, and clearly isn't going to remain faithful.

I want to tell her the truth, she nearly caught him a few times before, so she knows who I am. I don't want to hurt her, but I feel she really deserves to know, especially now, it feels different.

I'm so torn and really don't know what to do.

Any advice or thoughts?