SamJaxon

59 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'd like to focus on the bolded as this is discussed a lot, on the internet and in real. 

One cannot and shouid not expect to be "prioritized" for a relationship or anything else prior to an actual first date occurring or even during the very early stages of dating.

You become a priority (assuming they have no kids in which case the kids will always be their priority), once an exclusive relationship is established and that takes time.

The number one reason why dating has become so difficult from I'm witnessing in today's dating environment, is people, both men and women, have too many unrealistic expectations and being disappointed, hurt or even angry the other person isn't meeting them.  Expecting to be made a priority among other unrealistic expectations.

I realize OP you've known her for awhile, you have a bit of a history even though you have not actually dated.  You claim you're in love with her.

As such, your expectations are sky high, and unrealistic, I would even go so far to say a bit entitled.  Again, you have not been on even one date with this woman.  

My advice is gather more options. Start talking to and meeting other women. Lower expectations!

I am not suggesting her canceling and rescheduling three times was OK (hate the word flake as that implies she stood you up or ghosted which she did not). 

But shyt happens, it should not become such a huge deal that your self-esteem is affected, or you feel depressed etc. 

You sound quite needy and passive-aggressive in how you respond to disappointed.  If a woman canceling /rescheduling before an actual date bothers you to such a large degree as it appears to here, simply wish her well and walk.  Don't bother with her anymore.  Try and let it roll off.

This cat/mouse, passive/ aggressive game you're playing isn't getting you anywhere.  No where positive anyway.

All the best mate and sorry things don't seem to be working out. 

 

 

Nope, she really ghosted me on the 2nd time she rescheduled the date. Maybe she won't reached out to me at all if I didn't text her the next few days, telling her that I was waiting for her reaching out to me.  

And yeah you're right, I had too much expectations on her but I didn't mean to play any kind of games, passive-aggresive thingy with her. I need to do that to maintain personal boundaries and self-respect.

2 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Move on

Sure thing, thanks!

3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

If you have zero intentions of dating her,  it's better to block,  delete and move on. 

Thanks, I used to think I would date her, since she asked for it first (suddenly after she rejected so many of my invitations before), but since she also ghosted me when the time came and she kept flaking, I had to set boundaries by flaking back on her. She didn't respect my time because I think she's not prioritizing me enough for the potential relationship. Will try to move on (again) but I guess wouldn't blocking / deleting her.

4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Well, no one wants a narcissist, lol.  But, someone backing off does not make them a narc. So, no such description was needed there.  Neither was the 'jealousy act'.

Is up to YOU to work on accepting what is.  Do you think there's some reason YOU acted out the way you did here?  is it maybe because you fancied her but weren't getting what you wanted? - is still no reason to insult someone that way.

Maybe you need to work on your own self? ( other than the fact that this isn't working out with you & this woman) .

IMO, it sounds like you get upset maybe a little too easily - passing judgement too much with your responses and insults.

 

If someone pulls away or goes cold, is up to you to work on accepting what is.  You can't 'make' someone love or want you.  And yes, this stuff will for sure kill the positive really fast!

 

A good point, well I told her a narc, It's not because of me getting disappointed cause she didn't seem to reciprocate my feelings, it was just my slight criticism to her recent activities on her social media that time, she posted selfies too much lol. Guess she can't handle it, and I knew it was my fault, because I realized I showed some insecurities and jealousy there. In the end I apologized though, I explained to her that I didn't mean to insult or everything. I apologized so many times. But she asked me to leave. I accepted it.

During the no contact period, which I applied it to myself (because I tried to move on) I caught she always stalked my activities on my social media, watched all of my stories and always liked my posts, while I never did that, because she asked me to leave (you got that one) and I really had no idea why she did that. Maybe just orbiting?

5 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Did you do the right thing - flaking back on her?  Sure, if you meant it. ( So, no games).

She flaked on you 3 times, if you're done then you be done.  Expect no more. as mentioned, if she were truly into you, you'd know it.

And I have no idea how you can 'love' her, when you two haven't even spent any time together. 😕 .  is more like the idea of it all.  You have no idea what kind of person she is. So, maybe work on getting her off this pedestal and moving on.

Yeah I know it's my fault, anyway we met, talked and shared a lot before, Anyway I'm just reminiscing the good times we had, so if you'd like to know the details and if that's what you mean by spending times together. We've also shared our dreams together. But there was a time when she became distant and she giving me cold shoulders, the day when I criticized her behavior and showed some jealousy, she thought I'm a controlling person, I told her that she's a narcissistic person, she mad at me, and she said I hurt her so bad, I had no idea why she got hurt that much if I, maybe misjudged her as a narcissist, I didn't intend to hurt her though, but then I apologized so many times and she didn't forgive me that time, instead she asked me to leave and look for another woman. So we didn't communicate to each other for around 5 months, until I came back again, reached out to her again because I missed her, until she forgave me. Things went well again and this happened. Well I guess she only friendzoned me in the end, and I fell in love with the wrong person. It's just, I had too much expectations with this woman before.

15 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's absolutely game playing, no question.  Perhaps you felt justified as she cancelled (flaked) on you a few times however playing t*t for tat is the wrong way to approach it and rarely resolves anything. 

JMO but you over-reacted.  It was an ego-driven reaction.  I mean, you never even went on one date with this girl, why get all butt-hurt about it?  

Me thinks you cut off your nose to spite your face because you could have had a fun date with her!  She was up for it, even texted you the day of confirming. 

But because of your ego, you got butt-hurt and decided to sh&t test her.  

Learn to be more flexible and go more with the flow, again you never even had one date with her yet. 

After you meet in person, and she continues to flake, okay re-think the situation. 

Don't put all your eggs in one basket, gather more options so you don't over-react like this and play 'testing' games when one option needs to cancel and reschedule. 

 

 

 

Thanks for the reply, really appreciate it, and yeah you're right, maybe I would had a fun date with her if I reached out to her and not overthinking about it, but I didn't intend to play any games with her, really, and the truth is ; I had already confessed my feeling to her, probably a year ago, sorry I didn't mention it before on my main topic, my bad. And she neither rejected me or accepted me at that time, idk why, maybe she hasn't moved on yet from her ex, or maybe she wasn't ready to be in a relationship yet. Even she ever asked me for the second chance to know me better. Long story short, we had some ups and downs before, we ever argued, a lot, we also had moment of "cut contact" to each other for more than 5 months maybe. But finally I reached out to her again, I kept trying because I really love her, without she knowing that, that's why these whole "fresh start" dating things with her make me analyze more of her attitude, her actions and moves towards me.

7 minutes ago, Sally .C. said:

You said you didn't play games...but "I didn't reach out to her to see if she's really interested," and then later telling her dishonestly that you need to cancel the date because your boss called, as a way to either get even or gain an upper hand, is indeed game playing. 

Any time you're saying or doing something only because you're trying to manipulate an emotional response from the other, is game playing.

That all said, this girl definitely seems interested in a lukewarm way, at best. She seems very undependable and disrespectful of your time. I wouldn't initiate a date with her again (you've already tried more than once and made your interest clear), however if she reaches out again to plan one, you can see how you feel about it at that time.

Thanks for the reply, well as you have known it, I didn't intend to play any games with her, personally, I didn't have that much self-esteem to reach out to her to confirm, since she had rejected my date invitations, so many times before. I had to do that to set my boundaries I guess, not to play any kind of games. That's why I asked here if I did the right thing, I still have hope for her actually.

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

In that case she seems to be sidestepping your invitations in an attempt to be diplomatic and hope you get the hint that she is not interested in dating for whatever reason. Don't worry about "teaching her lessons". Save your energy to accept the situation and move forward.

Yeah, it's a harsh and sad reality, just wondering why in the first place, why she asked me out if she's not interested, did she do that on purpose to let me down gently?

7 minutes ago, Coily said:

I have a strict rule, if a date cancels 3 times I'm done. Unfortunately she doesn't respect your time, and seems like the type who figures that by the fact she's female she can make men jump (inflated egos do this).

I won't say you did the right thing, you did the only thing you understood from the dynamic. The only thing you can do is disengage from her outside of professional settings.

Thanks for the reply, yeah, I thought the same thing, she didn't respect my time, that's why I did that to her. And sure, I will disengage from her, but I hope she learned a lesson, I don't hold any grudges and will always be cordial with her btw.

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think you kinda did bad to her at the end. Because you could have had a date if you wanted it.

Not saying that you maybe didnt do the right thing because she does seem "flaky". Just that, if you hadnt had your ego involved, you could have a date there. 

In general there is no need to be vindictive about that stuff. She resheduled once, second time you should have asked her "Are we still on for today?", if she said "No, we need to reshedule again" or something like that, you should have just bow out. Less headache and no need to play games about it.

Thanks for the reply, well I didn't try to play any games with her. I didn't reach out to her to see whether she's really intented to see me or not, knowing that she had rejected my invitations so many times before.

Yes, we've met so many times before, she's actually a friend in some working communities. Guess I won't delete or block her, it makes me look like so unprofessional. But yeah you're right, no one is "too busy" if they're interested. Time to walk away then.

The woman who had rejected my invitations before finally asked me out. Was so happy but then she flaked, she said she was sick, and I knew it was true, she posted a pict of her condition on her Instagram, she apologized and she rescheduled the date for the next week and I said ok. I also checked up on her few times to show her that I care for her.

One week later, she didn't reach out to me when the time came. I didn't reach out to her too because I want to see if she's also interested in seeing me or not. Knowing that she had rejected my invitation many times before. And it turns out she ghosted me, and I assumed she isn't interested. I was so disappointed.

So I reached out to her a few days later, I texted her that I was waiting for her to reach out to me on that day. She apologized, she said she was tired after hanging out with her friends, later she tried to reschedule and she set another date. I left her on read. How could she do that to me? She planned to see me, ghosted me and hung out with her friends?

And she texted me again one day later, tried to reschedule the date AGAIN because she wanted to attend her friend's birthday on the date she suggested before. Again, I left her on read. She flaked on me 3 times already.

Then finally the time has come, she texted me again and asked "are we still on today?"

I finally replied to her "sorry I can't make it today, I have to go back to the office, my boss called me, maybe next time, thanks for letting me know" 

She replied with a smile emoji only.

I was kinda upset with her so I flaked on her back. And I didn't suggest rescheduling too.

Did I do the right thing? Thanks.