AnonymousDuck

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

Evening Duck! 
 

I will add, I have seen a pattern in life and it goes something like this!

 

Really nice people, genuine authentic people, don’t tend to have loads of friends! They tend to have a select few, even maybe just one, or two. The large masses and circles of groups are quite superficial. How can anyone really get to know and form a deep true friendship and bond with 30 people?! 
 

Don’t worry! Don’t use your own yard stick against other peoples lives or what they are doing or what you feel you should be doing to measure your own happiness and satisfaction! 
 

I would focus on one or two things you’d like to change, make solid steps to change some small things, and go from there! And; maybe join a group or head out to something new and decide to meet some new people, make some new friends, or a new friend, this year or next! Don’t settle unless you really click, same with the dating. I think you did right in that regard! 
 

It’s okay to not have everything worked out. No one does. Not even the wise old 90 year old rocking on his porch. The majority of people wing it, they just don’t tell you! People are making mistakes and have regrets and feelings of being in slumps often.

 

Life is full of seasons, some last longer than others. Don’t judge yourself too harshly - sometimes we have low points, dull points, good months or great years. It all depends. 
 

I really wish you all the best but I think you’ll be just fine! 
 

x

Thank you so much for the great thoughts! Totally agree on the seasons of life, the older I get, the more I realize there are just certain up and down periods. I think it's less that I want tons of friends, more that I just feel disconnected in a sense from the ones I do have. But, this week has actually been a bit better overall so far and feeling better mentally so hopefully it stays positive. x

On 4/1/2024 at 7:33 AM, smackie9 said:

I'm gonna say, the older you get, the less of a need to have many friends/busy life. Over the years for me, I have limited my social circle to just a few+ close friends and I am quite happy with that. Less energy is needed, and I do enjoy more of "ME time" to decompress from my work week. You want to get out of your rut, I suggest sticking with a schedule of what you do with your time and follow it. When you organize your time, you are able to fit in things that have meaning to you, like exercise, lunch with the girls, swimming, reading, enjoy a movie night, pick a drawer to clean/organize, etc. This will reset your brain, and give you more fulfillment/accomplishment and ready for the next chapter in your life. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I agree, totally normal for your social circle to decrease over time.

On 4/1/2024 at 12:31 PM, SooSad33 said:

I am the same. I have only a few 'real' and decent friends. I have no need for parties anymore. Mainly family functions. I do have some pets and hobbies and I am okay with this 🙂 . ( haven't been involved in over 5 yrs).  But, I am fine.

There is no rules out there saying we have to be in a relationship. It's more how WE want it.  My ex mother in law's brother never married.  he remained single & helped his mother out.

We all go down different paths in our lives.  My youngest hasn't dated ( 22 yrs old) and my oldest is now married ( to gf of almost 10 yrs) . See, it's different for everyone.  No need to feel pressure or compare 😉 .

If you do feel you're 'in a slump', maybe consider seeking some prof help.  Like you're feeling somethings missing?  Either that or you're just thinking it is not right- when maybe it is alright 🙂 ? 

 

Totally, I've been back and forth thinking I may just be one of the few people who just doesn't want a relationship, but if that were the case, I'd probably not be making posts about it...thanks so much for your insight.

32 minutes ago, AnonymousDuck said:

Thanks Batya! Yes, I go through very good periods of exercising well, then tend to fall off when I have a big project. Currently I’ve been very consistent the last month (trying to do at least 150 minutes per week), but really intending to keep it consistent this time even when things get crazier because I know it helps me so much. I also need to watch the sugar, which is probably my biggest downfall. Very obsessive about having a dessert before bed. While it’s probably not the cause of every issue in my life, sugar certainly doesn’t help with positive feelings and overall help. 
 

I too am a huge SVU and Dateline fan! I would say a lot of the time I’m also happier watching a show I love than being out and about, I probably enjoy about a 70/30 blend of both. 
 

appreciate your insight, thank you so much. 

Oh and I’m about 15-20 lbs overweight. Always been a thing on and off. It does impact my life and health, but after many years of yo-yo dieting (was on Jenny Craig and Atkins…and more starting as early as 12), and on and off times of being praised for losing weight, getting an obvious look of sadness or disappointment when I’d gained, the whole thing has lost its appeal to me. I’ve never quite been able to crack it just with intuitive eating or being healthy without a diet. Whole other conversation but if helpful for context x

59 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

30s are a bit rough regarding to people who still not found themselves out there. In 20s its OK. Society in most cases doesnt expect you to find yourself in 20s. You can finish school(lots of people finish college in late 20s), you can wander around regarding jobs, your friends have more time and you can go out more casually with them or even regarding relationships. 30s are a bit different. You are expected to find yourself regarding a job and what you want to do in life. Same with your personal relationships. You are expected to know what you want and find somebody that would be your companion for life. Maybe even have kids. Your friends(who also either have kids or are busy with work or life) dont have that much time for you because they have their own lives going on. 

Its tough for you because you dont have any of that going on. You have not found yourself regarding a job, have no long term relationship and kids, and even if your friends have no kids, you dont hang out as before. Which results in you feeling overall disatisfaction with your life. 

Do you have time outside of a job?Maybe you should use that time to pursue some kind of a hobby that would get you out there and meet new people. Not even thinking relationship-wise but maybe only friends-wise. It would maybe get you out of the slump and make you more satisfied with life in general. In turn, in time maybe other things change too.

Thanks for this. I do think hobbies would be a great thing to develop-I do have a dog and like Batya enjoy some Dateline, traveling (the latter assuming the $$ is coming in consistently enough!) In my particular industry, many people pretty much consider their work to be their life and don’t necessarily have tons of hobbies or extracurriculars on the side but I think I’m craving something like that. It’s a funny thing with regard to not having it together with work, because until I was 33 I was praised constantly for having my stuff together in that sense and being successful. I still am (hard to explain without giving away the industry or specifics), but because of the freelance aspect it’s different now and a constant hustle and obviously a different animal. Probably not having my feet on solid ground with a 100% consistent job anymore is making me notice the lack of relationship more. I know that while I do need to continue to make sure I’m earning enough and working enough, I also need to develop other parts of my life.

thanks so much!

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I like Catfeeder's input -and how is your basic physical health? I mean really basic.  Do you -drink enough plain water/eat reasonably healthy food/get outside almost every day and move your body daily/get real exercise at least a couple of times a week? Sleeping enough and maybe on some sort of schedule that aligns with your body clock?

Not a doctor or health care provider.  Big believer in looking to the basics first. I'm a very social person very extroverted but changed a lot -towards introverted -when I became a mom 15 years and about one month ago.  And the pandemic -I let it affect me socially.  I had this odd thought this morning on the treadmill -where I am every early morning -that I'd rather be on that treadmill watching snippets of Law and Order and Dateline than being out at a new Thai/Sushi restaurant with friends - because my friend did that last night so that occurred to me.  That's not "like" me but it's the darn truth - I feel much happier these days on my channel-surfing treadmill than socializing at a restaurant at night. 

Sometimes it feels good to be that honest - you are being honest with yourself too but you're worried about your thoughts and feelings.  I understand.  So I'd adress the physical health basics and for sure either stop the guarded stuff with this therapist - and tell the therapist about that -or find a new one (I imagine that's not easy- but I like Catfeeder's suggestion). 

Good luck and I like how appreciative you were about your former posts. I'm glad you got good input!

Thanks Batya! Yes, I go through very good periods of exercising well, then tend to fall off when I have a big project. Currently I’ve been very consistent the last month (trying to do at least 150 minutes per week), but really intending to keep it consistent this time even when things get crazier because I know it helps me so much. I also need to watch the sugar, which is probably my biggest downfall. Very obsessive about having a dessert before bed. While it’s probably not the cause of every issue in my life, sugar certainly doesn’t help with positive feelings and overall help. 
 

I too am a huge SVU and Dateline fan! I would say a lot of the time I’m also happier watching a show I love than being out and about, I probably enjoy about a 70/30 blend of both. 
 

appreciate your insight, thank you so much. 

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yep! The 'good' patient. You know all the right answers people want to hear, and this includes your therapist. The problem is, it's not authentic. And this wastes your money, and it wastes your time. You get the immediate reward of being regarded as a bright and well adjusted human being, but then you realize that all you've just accomplished was dodging the discomfort of identifying shame.

Sounds like you're verging on busting out of a suspended state. You've been ashamed of something, maybe from the 7 or 8 years ago or earlier, and you opted to straighten up and fly right. So you've been going through the right motions and staying out of touch with whatever may have shamed you enough to stuff it and snap yourself into shape.

It might be a good idea to consider your post above to be a goldmine to review with a new therapist, along with a confession that you've slid right by your prior therapist(s) and need someone who will hold you accountable to discussing your innermost uglies. You'll need to commit to making a mess and feeling pretty lousy about that for a while as you learn how to best clean it up and feel pride in that. You've skipped steps. You've tidied up to present well, but you know where your dirt is hidden, and you may be ready to address it.

The key word above is 'new' therapist, because you were able to bamboozle any prior ones, and so you're not likely to trust their judgment--or your own when you are with them. I know this, because I've done it, too.

Head high, and write more if it helps.  

Thanks so much for your reply. A lot of it resonated, especially about knowing all the things to say that people want to hear. Not just to a therapist, sometimes I feel I am literally BSing myself too. Appreciate this great reply, definitely feeling ready to bust out-thanks again. 

Hi everyone,

Not sure if this is the right section, but the closest I could think of..."Personal Growth" would work too! I’m feeling at a little bit of a crossroads, or maybe in a slump/rut, and feeling the need to get it out. There’s probably not one direct “answer” to this, but if anyone can relate or has insight that would be so helpful.  I made another post here a little under a year ago about my work situation-without giving away anything that might fully identity me, things have been way better in that area of life, although still a constant hustle. I appreciate the advice that was given.

Overall, I’ve been feeling disconnected from friends and incredibly antsy in life, and I do know the not fully on solid ground work situation certainly plays into it, since work was pretty much my entire life prior to last year. I’m in my early/mid-30s. As a kid I was very very introverted and struggled socially/was often bullied. Starting around mid-high school, I started to have close friends and feel comfortable in that realm. Throughout my life since, I’ve had many good friends, although I sometimes have struggled with being in the moment and really listening and engaging, which I’ve tried to work on. I tend to be one of those people planning out what I’m going to say when I really should just be listening and responding in the moment-I know it’s terrible, hopefully I’m on my way to being better with this. Overall, I’ve noticed I’ve been more guarded the last couple of years, it’s hard to explain, but just not being fully honest or vulnerable. Maybe in the past few months, I’ve felt like I have little to no friends, even though I do go to dinners/catch up with friends, and there are many amazing people I call my friends, there’s something very surface-y about it. It’s not their fault at all, I feel it’s me, but I’ve started to feel a little lonely, which is unusual for me. I should add for context given my age that I do have several single friends, as well as a  few who are a married/in long-term relationships but actually the majority are single, so it's not necessarily symptomatic of wanting to spend more time with spouse/kids (only one friend has kids so far).

In the dating realm, I’ve had many long-term friends with benefits situations, flings, short-term monogamous relationships, but never really someone I could say is 100% my boyfriend and I’m excited about, which is unusual at my age. I know dating would probably help me get out of my rut, but in the past 4-5 years, I’ve had maybe 2-3 few month dating situations, then I decide I’m not interested and move on. On the apps, I’ll be immediately bored or turned off by messages. I certainly don't go on anywhere near enough dates to complain about it not working out with anyone.

I realize this is all a “me” problem. In past dating/“relationship” situations, I used to be extremely excited about sex, passionate, and have major crushes on people, and now it’s almost like I’m borderline asexual and find sex exhausting to get through for the most part. I’ve also had some inappropriate relationships in the past, such as sleeping with an ex I still had feelings for when they were in a new relationship, a friend’s family member, etc. Part of me I think is afraid that if I turn my emotions on again I may make terrible decisions-although I should add for context the last situation like this was 7-8 years ago and I don’t feel it’s who I am anymore. 

I really want to be someone who wants a “normal” relationship, gets excited about a great message on a dating app, but I’ve never truly been able to get there, and I almost feel “grossed out” by someone being extremely into me. I've gone back and forth that maybe I'm just not someone who wants a partner, as I love being alone (often travel alone etc). Again this could maybe be a “journal…” but just felt like putting it out into the universe. I have done therapy many times, but sometimes I feel I'm even guarded with the therapist!

Hope everyone is having a nice evening.

43 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

Yeah I went through this in 08 when my industry more or less collapsed. It was a different situation though I did not quit a job I got laid off as did half the licensed workforce in my area. 
 

I don’t really feel your decision to leave was that well thought out because you didn’t have a place to go to. There almost never is a reason to quit a job without another one. I have stayed at jobs I absolutely hated with a passion until a better opportunity came along. 
 

I always figured that the worse the job the more finding a better one would stick it do the people at the one I was at. You really don’t hurt most companies by quitting, you do so by leaving for a better opportunity. Then when they ask you to stay you tell them you’ve already accepted another position somewhere else, I wouldn’t say where, and that you start right after the notice you’ve given. 

Hi, thanks so much! Totally, “well thought out” may not have been the best choice of words, more like, “not a Jerry Maguire situation.” There was a big effort to keep me over many months and in retrospect I should have stayed even longer than I did. Many in my industry are currently laid off so I definitely feel even more like an idiot because I didn’t HAVE to be in this situation and many did. But, live and learn and I’ll figure out a Plan B (or C…or D) soon.

Thanks again for your thoughts! 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I was a headhunter many years ago and I agree with not quitting next time.  I had to return to the workforce after a 7 year gap raising our son and I resumed working at age 50 in a brand new city -looking and being taken seriously was not easy and I left a very successful career where I was high level too (but not looking to replicate level or $$).

I second all of Lootie's advice. It's great that you network so much - I guess- maybe obvious -none of these freelance gigs could turn into something FT?

Thanks Batya, I agree, no more quitting unless there’s something else! So normally in my industry and with my particular experience, I should be able to make close to what I was making before on a consistent freelance project or projects, but because of what’s going on economically in this particular industry at the moment I decided to quit, there have been less opportunities overall. So while I’ve gotten some good one offs or short-term things, that wasn’t as easy to slide into as I had hoped. I should clarify that while economic issues play into it a bit, I know a large part of it is likely something I’m doing as well so I don’t meant to blame it all on that! Freelance work is something I more recently started looking for and hardcore putting myself out there for, so hopefully something more lucrative and/or long-term pops up soon.
 

Thanks so much for your input. That’s awesome you entered the workforce again on your terms, my mom did the same. X

6 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Yes I have gone thru this. I completed university and took me 5 years to get a full-time job. A lot of people would say I didn't try hard enough but I was particular in what industry I wanted to go into and its just competitive too.

My advice to you is yes, don't quit unless you have something lined up. And secondly, don't give up. Keep applying even after rejection. I would get rejected and then later on would see the job posting again, and would re-apply (tweaking my cover letter if needed). I was just hoping that maybe someone might noticed my name because I kept applying and liked my persistence. It took awhile but that someone finally called and took a chance on me out of hundreds of apps.

 

Thanks for your response! Yes, lesson learned about the quitting thing in the future-I definitely thought it through carefully, just not carefully enough I guess! Funny enough, I've recently had that same experience of reapplying to a job a second time and have had three interviews for it now after not hearing back when it was previously posted. Good for you for not giving up! It's just a bit crazy making in moments. x

Hi all,

I’m a longtime lurker here and I’ve really enjoyed your advice on a variety of topics.

I’m writing because I’ve been going through a tricky time, that’s very much of my own making so I don’t want to sound overly self-pitying. I’m in my early/mid 30s and have reached a fairly high level in a sought after industry after many years climbing the ladder. I started right after graduating college and have had a job ever since, typically going from place to place through referrals and have great relationships with all of my former bosses and am close friends with many of my former coworkers. I was at my last company for several years, and for a variety of reasons, felt like I had gotten as far as I could get there and it was time to move on. I interviewed for other jobs while still there, almost always getting to the final round of interviews but not getting the job. This is through a combination of applying to job postings, referrals, etc.

I decided to continue to give it a shot at my previous company after the search wasn’t going anywhere, but after a few more months, felt like I needed to pull the plug for good. I ended up staying through the year, at which time jobs in my industry slowly started to dwindle due to a tough economic time this industry is going through-constant layoffs etc. Same thing-many interviews, getting through multiple rounds most times, not getting the job. Now that I've finally left, this pattern has continued to repeat itself. Granted, I’m going for competitive, high level positions, in a slightly different area of the industry, but one that I still have good experience in. I started to cast a wider net a few months ago with roles that are a little more closely aligned with what I’ve been doing most recently, but again, due to this tough time many positions are being put on hold or have become a thousand times more competitive than usual. My contacts and friends have been really helpful with freelance opportunities and putting me up for full-time jobs, I just can't seem to make it past the finish line, it's always close but no cigar.

I’m just curious if anyone has gone through a similarly difficult time, even if it's maybe not as extreme. And yes-1000% lesson learned, I won’t leave another job again without something else. It truly was a thought-out decision and not impulsive, but regardless I won’t be doing it in the future unless something truly horrendous is happening at a company. 

Just feeling bummed and curious about any thoughts. Thanks so much if you’re still reading and hope you have a lovely night.