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Oh so in the UK as standard if you have been working and your employer doesnt provide a maternity package then a standard amount will be paid for 39 weeks and 14 weeks unpaid. My employer provides fill pay maternity leave for a year but I wouldn't be the one having the baby so what we can do is 2 different options. Up to 4 weeks paternity is one option and the other more financially sound option is called split parental leave. So if my partner only took 2 weeks maternity then returned to work I could take the rest (48 weeks) through my work on full pay.. I have no intention of sending my partner to work 2 weeks after giving birth. My thought was she takes 26 weeks on maternity allowance I take the flowing 24 weeks on full salary but that's something that really is up to her and how she feels about it. I have no intention of pushing her back to work before the year us up the choice is hers 🙂

For the most of our relationship iv been the higher earner and still am if that's what you mean? She works hard though and we've always supported eachother financially. Our moneys shared theres no nit picking over who gets more. Simply put we dont care who earns more its ours. There was a period of time several years ago when I was made redundant and she was on less money at the time she supported us both on a very low income for several months prior to me finding the job I'm in now. Iv done the same for her on. Erm as for staying home with the child theres a few options. Financially it would make most sense for my Partner to take the first half of the maternity leave (26 weeks) which will pay very little and then for me to take the remaining 24 weeks as my employer will pay my full income for that period of time. If she wanted to stay on maternity for the full 50 weeks then that's fine just means income will be lower for a while. After that we would likely need some child care however; I work from home so theres some flexibility there and my Partner could potentially drop hours. Once the baby hits 3 we would be eligible for 30 hours child care per week. I also have a Good benefits package with my employer for family leave etc so there are options. It's part of the reason im so pent up about wanting to have as much money as possible because there will be times when our income takes a huge hit and we need to be prepared for that. As for whether shes sabotaging us... I dont think so? It's not really her style generally speaking were very up front with eachother but put a major issue in front of me and it's like my tongue gets glued to top of my mouth. But i could be wrong I guess. This is the first time weve hit a major hurdle like this. We are both a lot more relaxed than we have been in weeks after talking our stuff out last night and were going to talk some more tonight so will see how we go.

Our relationships always been good. Stable. Happy. Healthy. Then she distanced a little over the last month or 2 and this came up. We haven't spoken to any medical professionals about pregnancy risks yet but it's something we can consider.

I'm not sure about counselling but its something I can think about. And we are going to go down the reciprocal IVF route. My egg and she will carry. It's pretty pricey for one round so savings are a must and we may need a few rounds 🙂 we established that a few years ago. It's more the timeline that's shifted now. Theres more of a rush on it on her end than mine

Hmm. The idea of the luxuries thing doesnt phase me so much. I'm more concerned because she said she wishes we had more money for luxuries I dont know if she realises that when we have a child those luxuries will be even less. I dont feel like I'm making excuses my reasons for waiting have always been the same. Age limit on having a child 35. Requirements prior to that debt free, finances in order and for us to have each experienced what we want out of life prior. 4 years of that was a write off. We have a holiday booked for the date our debts will be cleared to celebrate. She mentioned about cancelling it in order for us to put it to use with preparing for a child.. but on the flip side shes also saying she wishes we could pay off less debt to have more money for ourselves. I think having a child would be great and when she asked if I'd be against taking a child on holiday I thought the question was ridiculous. I love history and culture and why wouldn't I want to share that with my child but kids are emotionally and financially stressful. Theres no way around that so my thought has always been if we have some level of financial stability it wont solve every possible issue we come across and every possible stress but at least finances arent one of them. I will think more on it because maybe your right and I dont want to hold her back from what she wants in life if I really am subconsciously putting it off because I just dont want them. Iv always been a person who if I am in the right position financially, emotionally and set up then yes to a child but if not then no I wont. She knew that about me but now it seems the timeline we had discussed has been changed and I'm trying to figure a way around it. Maybe I can't. I always knew she wanted children and in all honesty maybe we should have been cleverer earlier and started saving and planning then but life happens and we didnt. Whatever happens it's not her fault. Things happen people change but I dont want 7 years to have been wasted if theres any possible way around it. I also want to make sure that its understood that once we have a child our priorities shift. Our life changes. Not in a bad way but it does and when she said "I wish we had more to spend on ourselves" just doesnt seem to correlate with that if that makes sense? Shes also worried I'll regret having a child.. I just dont know how that's possible. Why would I regret it? That would be our child. But she doesnt believe me. Also apologies to everyone if I sound indifferent around the idea of kids. It's just the way I talk. Communication as iv said is not my biggest talent on serious issues. Thanks again. I'm going to think about it properly and write things down.

Thank you. The other issue linked to kids we discussed was the financial aspect. I have a decent job. Decent family leave benefits etc and we are currently paying off credit card debt at a fast rate and will hopefully be debt free in the next 12 months. One thing she said was she was sick of having limited budget so buying new clothes etc and other luxuries was something we have had to limit due to paying off credit cards (we got a bit low for a while during covid and basically distressed by spending excessively) iv said to her I'm happy to reduce the amount we pay off monthly it just means it will take longer to clear and thinking about it I dont think she understands that when we have a child a hell of a lot of our spare money will be going on our child so luxuries that we once could afford may not be possible even then. I'll put pen to paper and see what comes out. It's hard. Even during our worst times with things happening out our control we always managed to be happy for the most part but now we are in a position that could break us and I cant help thinking "why did you marry me in the first place" loves a good reason but that's not enough of a reason to marry someone. She said because she was happy with me but I cant see how that can change so drastcially in the space of 4 months.

For me deferring kids until later. She wants to start planning now but I just dont feel were in the right position financially or emotionally to do that. She says theres never a perfect time and i agree but we can try and make it close to perfect as possible before jumping in.

Thanks for this. Yes I'm going to sit down with her again and try talk ot out. Communication on big issues isnt my strongest trait. I struggle with it. I think part of the problem is 4 years if our lives were pretty much gone. I was a carer for my mum and she supported massively. We didnt have the freedom to continue what we were doing and we kind of got stuck. Now with new found freedom again weve gone from 23/24 (her) and 25/26 (me) to 28 and 30 and now priorities have shifted. I want to try and make up for lost time and she wants to start a family and now were stuck. Thanks again

Hi, thanks for the reply, To answer your question she was aware of my love for travelling from very early on on the relationship. She used to be excited at the prospect of new places etc. My thoughts on having a child have never been flat out no. Mainly it's a case of we would need to have done what we want in life and have financial stability prior to having a child so iv always expected us to have a child at some point and my age limit of having one was 35. She always seemed happy with that plan. I have always also been aware that she wants a child however; she explained it as basically as soon as we got married it's like something clicked. The plan around having a child needed to be sped up. She did say she thinks the idea I have around financial stability etc before having a child is not going to work because theres never a perfect time. I'd like to give my child the best chance in life and part of that I feel is having the finances there to support. I grew up with a mum who was constantly stressed over finances working several jobs to make ends meet. She had kids young (she was and is a brilliant mum and I had a great childhood). My thoughts on it are in some ways we've lost out on 4 years and while weve come out the other side my focus is travel, save, then have a child I think she maybe looking at it as. That's 4 years gone and were no closer to having a baby. I think a big issue is also my struggle to communicate on serious issues. I dont say what I mean very well and I get tongue tied so I have been guilty on more than one occasion of brushing issues under the rug and hoping theyll go away or just completely shut down. She understands that about me and that's why last night we talked through it all. And it was good and a lot of the issues we were having we both agree can be worked on and we both needed to put more effort in but the subject of having a kid discussing that I thought we were good. This morning I woke up and i was left with more questions than answers. I should have brought them up last night but they didnt come to mind and even if they did I dont know if I could have worded it right at any rate. I might try speaking to her again about it tonight and see what she actually wants and expects with having a child (the whens the hows etc as it seems to have changed) and see how that lines up with my thoughts. Thanks again

Hi all, Iv been with my wife for just over 7 years and we've been married just 4 months ( we are both female). We have been happy for most of that and recently there has been strain on the relationship. Part of the problem is I struggle with communicating about serious topics and issues but last night we sat down and spoke for hours and talked everything out. We both have work to do and need to put more effort in. This discussion essay good and much needed. My concern is one of the things that was brought up was having a child. I have always been of the mindset of "take it or leave it". Having a kid hasnt been my ultimate ambition in life. My life wouldn't be ruined if I didnt have a child, nor would it be ruined if we did. I just wanted to have achieved what I need to before hand. My partner was aware of this however; she explained it as as soon as we got married its like something clicked. She wants a child sooner rather than later (shes 28 I'm 30.) I dont see the rush. Shes also concerned about if I really want a child or if I'm just having one because she wants one. Iv explained my mindset on it all along that I'm not one of those people who have this overpowering need to have a baby (nothing wrong with that I just am not that person). I also have nothing against it I just need time. I want to have travelled more, money in a savings for emergencies and for the baby when the time comes. Some level of financial stability. My ambition has always been travel. I like to go on holidays several times a year and the last 4 years we havent been able to. Covid and my mum got into a car accident that required us caring for her so our life has been at a standstill. Now after the discussion last night shes pretty Much said she doesnt care about going on holidays and travelling places and I can go on them by myself if I need to. For some places this is fine but i have a strong passion for travel which she has always known about and its important to me and I thought we would be sharing those experiences together. I need to ask the question if she actually wants to go on any holidays with me at all or of I should expect to do this on my own in future however; I'm scared of where the conversation will go. If she absolutely says she has little to no interest in sharing my passion with me and she just wants to start planning for a child etc I'm not sure how I can respond. Were supposed to share our lives. I'm up for having a child together in a few years but she has little to no interest from what I can tell in sharing in what I want out of life. Is this a make or break? Should I just take her up on the offer and take off on my own holidays? It sounds stupid as "they're just holidays" but I work and iv always wanted to experience the world has to offer. I also keep thinking why did she marry me in the first place if we didnt share the goals I thought we did. I love her and she loves me but I feel like I'm going to be left choosing between what I wanted in life and what she wants right now. Hope this makes sense any advice?