Amara7777

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes but she said he has this disorder with his muscles yet doesn't see a doctor and isn't on meds (the latter could be normal -I know nothing about what she's referring to)

OP why is it important to you to be treated like a queen as opposed to a - person who's respected and cared for? Do you enjoy the initial pampering? It doesn't sound like he's treating you like a queen when you express your concerns to him about his drinking.

Please don't try to be his hero- these are early days -don't get enmeshed in this whole woman as all knowing mama/therapist/helper to her man.  It's not healthy.

When I say treated like a queen I mean cared for and put first. He always does it and he always motivates me and supports me. He’s my best friend, in fact we started as friends before getting into a relationship. We feel like we have a special bond even though we’re so different at first glance. We can both be ourselves. This is why I can’t just throw our relationship away.

I understand what you mean. I have tried to help him with his depression by suggesting various techniques he can do to shift his mindset. I just want to show him a different perspective on life as he’s been beaten up by it… and suffers because of his health condition.

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been together? Unfortunately you're at the stage when red flags and deal breakers appear and this is what you're noticing .

You seem to not want to let go of the good parts of the relationship but the rosy glow is wearing off and your instincts are making you aware of hidden problems. 

Don't make the mistake of trying to fix, change or "help" him. That simply sets up a loop of codependence with cat-and-mouse games. He'll resent your insinuations, trying to control him and you'll resent the red flags you're noticing.

You've only invested a few months and you may have to consider if you're compatible or not. It's unclear why you believe his muscle atrophy condition is part of the issue of hidden drinking. Did he claim he "needs" to drink because of it? 

Yes, he claims he feels so exhausted and hates that feeling his condition gives him so he needs to relax - and only alcohol gives him that feeling. He also claims he knows the alcohol is tricking him into feeling that way but says he hasn’t found another thing that can help him forget about his condition for a few hours at night.

9 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What baggage are you referring to? You've mentioned this a couple times. 

Yes, there is no doubt that he does. He's carting around alcohol in his coat and backpack, which indicates that his problem is much bigger than he's letting on. Most people don't need to bring liquor with them everywhere they go, which is essentially what he is doing. He's using it to get through the day. 

You can't. He doesn't want to admit he's got a very obvious problem with drinking, so nothing you say is going to get through to him. Until he recognizes the problem and wants help, you are going to be pulling teeth with him. 

I would bet the farm that others in his life have also confronted him about his drinking. He got very upset very quickly, which tells me you're not the first person to call him out on this. 

When I say baggage, I’m talking about his depression and negative feelings about his health condition. He says it makes him feel so tired and beaten up all day long and needs something to relax at night so he drinks. He doesn’t get drunk and there hasn’t been any problems so far related to his drinking. The only thing is my concerns when I found that bottle and assumed he could be drinking at other times as well. I confronted him about it and he says he understands my concerns but he doesn’t think he’s an alcoholic and he doesn’t think he has a problem. He said I speak as if this is a huge issue and now he feels like he has to deal with two - his health condition and his drinking.

16 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You can't "help him". If his drinking is so out of control he's hiding bottles, he's not at a point where he thinks he needs to stop let alone seek treatment or professional support. 

Does he work? Who takes him to buy his alcohol if he's unable to drive?

Yes, he works. We live in a place where you can easily walk to supermarkets and shops.

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My grandfather was an alcoholic and he didn't miss a single day of work in 30 years. Not all alcoholics are lying in an alley somewhere with a half empty bottle inside a paper bag or hanging out in sleezy bars getting crap faced.

If he won't go one day without drinking alcohol he likely has an addiction problem. If he does, what are you prepared to do?

I don’t know what to do because I love him truly. And he loves me. We have a great relationship to be honest. He motivates me to become better, he supports my dreams, he’s there for me, he treats me like a queen. It’s just his baggage and now this - it’s so hard for me because I don’t want this to be over but I’m afraid of what could happen in the future. I don’t know how to help him. I don’t want to lose myself either.

2 hours ago, greendots said:

He could be a functioning alcoholic. How long have you been together? Truthfully speaking, carrying small bottles of alcohol everywhere is a red flag. Unless there is a solid reason as to why you need them with you.

I'd honestly advise you to stay alert. Should he be addicted to alcohol–that'd be a big issue he needs to deal with long-term. I've seen relationships not survive due to one being an alcoholic.

We’ve been together for a few months. Yes, I’ll stay alert. Thank you for the advice!

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

How do you know he has a muscle wasting condition and how does he know if he's not under the care of a doctor?

He’s been diagnosed years ago. He doesn’t require to be under the constant care of a doctor. Just yearly appointments.

12 minutes ago, Coily said:

That's definitely concerning to see that much gone in a week, unless he's throwing wild benders for dust bunnies. Having seen a friend become an alcoholic to spite his ex wife when she would yell and get violent for him drinking small amounts; I would suggest you make observations before pushing this harder, as he may drink to "get away with it."

Take it slow, but also know what you may be dealing with. Encourage him to improve before ultimatums.

I genuinely wish you the best, as this is a very difficult thing to confront.

Thank you for the advice!

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Is he under the care of a doctor on a regular basis?

No, he isn’t.

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd also be concerned if he is taking medication for his condition where he needs to be careful about medication interactions with alcohol. Also do you think he drinks and drives?

He doesn’t take medication and doesn’t drive.

29 minutes ago, Coily said:

Before just assuming he's an alcoholic, the question I have is what does he consider a drink before bed? Is it a small amount of spirits, like the old traditional night cap? Or is he getting drunk?

Is this something that he's discussed with a physician?

It's not a good look on his part, though I would ask why does he feel the need to hide his drinking around you or anyone?

He drinks a bit but he doesn’t get drunk. My concern was whether he drinks more or during the day when I’m not watching. He denied but I saw a bottle of liquor disappear over a week.

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been together? Do you live together?  

Is he under a physician's care, attending physical therapy, mental health therapy? Does he work or is he receiving disability? Is he on medication for his condition?

If you think he's self medicating through excessive drinking, step back and observe.  Has drug use or drinking (whether recreationally or self-medicating) presented issues before?

 Reach out for info and support for yourself:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

 

We’ve been together for a few months now. He doesn’t do therapy no. He works from home. The drinking hasn’t presented issues so far, it’s just my worry that it could become worse especially if he hides from me. Thank you.

Hello.

My boyfriend (33) has a muscle wasting condition so he’s naturally stressed and feeling bad about it and says he needs a drink every night to relax and not think about it. He doesn’t drink much around me, or gets drunk or changed behaviour. But I found a liquor bottle in his cupboard and small liquor bottles he carries in his jacket or backpack which makes me think he drinks more than he shows me. I confronted him about it and he got upset and defensive, saying I’m calling him a raging alcoholic. I don’t know what to do. I love him so much. He’s very sweet and caring, he loves me and puts me first always. It’s just his baggage and now this issue that makes me doubt whether he’s being honest. I don’t know what I can do to help him or resolve this. Please give me advice! Thank you