nati

11 minutes ago, Betterwithout said:

That's the hurdle you have to confront OP.    You have invested many years and told everyone in your life that you are marrying this person.  A tough ordeal indeed, and now you have approach this with some serious thought.
People on this forum have a wide range of experiences, many first hand experiences, so please take their advice as good advice.

I do worry his irritability will eventually escalate to emotional or physical abuse since these things start small.   But I don't know him, so maybe he is willing to acknowledge and change his behaviour, but it has to start with you standing your ground to him and what you will tolerate.

Pre-marital counselling can really help, so please do so.

I have the feeling that I gave you all a really dark vision of how he is. He gets frustrated easily but he don't verbally assault me. He just let me feel his frustration. And I feel sad about it because I don't feel loved when he does like that. And yea many times he takes work out of my hand because he thinks he can do it better. But he changed really much since the beginning. Really really much. 

7 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

This is good news. Hopefully a therapist can help you two better understand each other—and him, especially, to understand that he needs some new tools when frustrated.

I'm curious: How long have you been together, and would you say that what you're describing here—which is basically his need for complete control—has been present throughout the relationship? I ask to understand if this is usual behavior or something new. 

We are together 5 years now. All for all he is a good boyfriend. He loves me very much and can't go to sleep if we fight. He isn't bad but I often see that he isn't always capable of doing right by someone emotions. We worked on that and other things in our relationship and it is better than before. But I just don't get that he can't be just a loving boyfriend. It seems that it is really difficult for him to have patience and letting things go and not having a certain control over the situation. Like he feels not heard when I dont do what he ask. But I am my own person too. As long as the results are the same I dont see why it has to be done in a certain way.

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Then you both need couples counselling. Btw abusers often make it your fault .  

Yea I told him that we needed that a couple of times already. Today he finally agreed to it

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That means he wants to keep speaking to you in a disrespectful way. And that he doesn't intend to stop. And you staying with him gives him permission to continue. 

Also, abusers always blame their victims. It's YOUR fault he has to treat you like an unintelligent child. If you just "understood" him he wouldn't have to speak to you disrespectfully and he wouldn't have to grab the phone out of your hands. This is their standard MO. 

Think long and hard about whether or not you want fifty years of this guy doing this to you. He won't stop. In fact, he'll escalate because by marrying him you are showing him you like being treated this way (at least in his mind). 

If you're intent on staying in this relationship, the next time he does this tell him you're leaving until he can apologize and start treating you like an intelligent adult. And follow through. Repeat until he gets it. I personally wouldn't bother, but if you are determined to marry him you have to insist on respect. 

I do it. I leave the conversation. Or just go to an other room at night. He comes to sit next to me then. Trying to talk things out but he doesn't get it.

I do say to him all the time that I dont like the way he talks to me. But he doesn't get it. He says that i don't understand him. And I m not making an effort to understand him.

3 examples of the last 4 days.

Sunday we where setting up an office table. I was helping him. He asks me to look up the calculator on his phone. I was doing that as fast as I could. But I coulant Find it right away. In the mean time he was pressuring me to do faster, and explaining me how to Find it. To Find it fast I was just writing it in the search balk, as he just takes te phone out of my hand and act al irritated because I want looking for it like he told me to.

Seconden example sunday night. I had my first sales on an online shop. And i was looking how to best send my product. When he just takes it out of my hand, because I wasnt doing it right he says… he then gets mad when I dont do it like he tells me.

Third example is tuesday. I went to his work with somting to eat. And once he was home dinner was already made and I had light up a couple of candles. We decided to look up wedding songs, because we are getting married in a couple of months. And in the beginning it went wel but after a while I told him a wanted to let him hear a song that I liked for a wedding. ( all this was happening on my phone). So I took my phone back in my hands And looked it up. He didn't like it. But after that song I just scrolled to find other wedding songs we could hear togheter. He got upset And irritaded with me because we continued on that page for a bit. He says that I dont listen to him. And that he wanted to continue listening on the page we where before. I told him we where doing that for quite a bit already And I just wanted to try hearing other songs too. I just felt so awfull that we had to discuss about such a silly matter in such a hard way. Listening to wedding songs should have been a moment full of love. Even when he saw me in tears e didn't knew what he did wrong

Why does he act this way?

Am I over reacting?