zomboidcharm

15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Why is it any of your business whether he is a physical person? Maybe he is with his friends, or significant other.  But not at work.  He is your colleague not your date, not even a friend.  Also none of your business if he is confused other than if it has to do with his work and then you help a person who is confused if it's your job to do so or if you want to help -for a work related reason.  I once crossed the line with a colleague because I was naive. 

....

I think you're confusing yourself some and again you benefit a lot from the friendly touchy feely atmosphere at work but this can quickly get very concerning if you start venturing into the territory you seem to be.

It's not my business. My point is that it's noticeable that until now, he hasn't been familiar with anyone. And it's not like we're all running around groping each other - like I described: an arm around each other, touch on the arm, hugging when greeting/leaving. We're all european/latin american so when you know people well enough none of that is unusual. 

And if he's getting confused about my intentions that IS my business. Absolutely. I'm not allowing someone to make me uncomfortable when I'm trying to relax.

15 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Did he have his legs wrapped around you? Did he place you between his legs? 

Not wrapped around. I would've 100% reacted to that. Legs either side of me so yes, I ended up sitting between them. Like < - 

I don't exactly know him well enough to decide? He's not unattractive and we get along, but for me to be really interested I need more than that. And I have no intentions to try. 

We all hug hello/goodbye. As I said I definitely consider it a bad idea in hindsight, but meant as a "buddy hug" just like I'd do with the others. I panicked. 

To be honest, I don't even want to think about liking him. That's not on my agenda right now. He's a nice guy but that would be far too weird for me. 

I guess I'll try to create some distance with him. I know the people I can be comfortable with but for now if he's confused I'll give him the space to deal with that. Again, he doesn't seem like a physical person so it makes sense that seeing everyone being so familiar could be confusing for him. 

So you don't think it warrants attention? Or that it just doesn't warrant attention right now/keep an eye on it?

Again, none of the other guys have been like this, even on first meeting. So this is new territory. 

1 minute ago, waffle said:

I'd like to hear more about this.

How so?

I guess I don't know if other guys on the team were doing such things and I didn't catch them yet. And I understand saying he might see me being cozy with them and think it's ok from him. All I can do is go by the way they (all the guys) are with the other women. I've never seen one of them looking at any of us in a particular way. Even after a few drinks. And he was actually with one of the other girls for a while playing games. With a reasonable distance between them, laughing and talking normally. 

IDK maybe I should have been more assertive about him being too close in the beginning. I definitely don't find him threatening (yet). Just if he's getting the wrong sort of impressions that is exactly what I DONT need. I also just wouldn't want to hurt him tbh

Sorry I don't think I was clear on the points I was having trouble with. 

- It's not the manspreading. He is pretty tall so I understand the need to stretch after being on your feet for a while. I just don't need to be between your legs/manspread away from me.

- It's not the leaning. It's the taking a gander at my ass when my back is turned. 

I've been in this industry for a while, and I do agree that there are awkward people. I'd count myself among them. But even coworkers I've known a long time don't do these things (that I know of)

He's an attractive enough guy, but I'm don't consider us close enough friends yet to be ok with proximity. And since he's a coworker I'd prefer if he was a bit more aware of his movements. I don't find it especially offensive, so "calling out" might be a harsh way of putting it, but I do think those two parts were impolite.

I suppose it would also be a bit more casual if he actually talked to me, too? Silence probably makes it more awkward. Like when I was playing one game and he was hovering over my shoulder I tried to say something to him and he just grunted back...

The hug was definitely a stupid move, too. He just looked a bit guilty when I caught him

Is he closer to other people in the group than you? Do you make any efforts to engage with him that would warrant looking you in the eye or do you also act a bit distant? 

I've experienced this before and trying to stop overthinking it/being a bit more engaging with the person helped. Could be you're both a bit awkward and mirroring each other.

Given the reverse, how would you react? You said you weren't friends any more, so she stopped acting like a friend. Regardless of how "well" she took it, you probably hurt her. It's a good idea for both of you to get some space, and maybe you'll be able to act normal in future. But right now she's probably doing what's best for her (and you) to move on. 

I work remotely in a tech environment. Most contact with my team happens either in chats or Zoom. We're a very friendly group, and socialize all the time. Have our own private chat for nonsense, and during quiet hours will jump on a call together to keep each other company. 

The newest member of our team is a really outgoing guy, fit in with our madness really easily. I got along with him immediately due to similar senses of humor. At least online. When we finally met in person for the first time...not so much. He was very standoffish with me and I guessed maybe we just didn't get on as well as I'd thought. I AM a bit shy face-to-face so that probably added to it. 

We continued to have our banter in chats and calls, and then last weekend we met for the third time. Our team went to an arcade/bar on an outing, and at first he started more or less the same. I was a bit more relaxed, so I made a bit more of an effort to speak with him, and he would respond but nothing more. OK, fine. I went off with another coworker to play some games. 

It's important to note now that the rest of us are very tactile. We've just known each other for so long that an arm will easily go around each other, we'll hug, etc. Him not so much. Again he's new so maybe he's not there yet, or maybe he's not touchy. However, the longer we stayed there the more I noticed him in my space. It started with looming/watching over my shoulder as I played something. Then brushing/being shoulder-to-shoulder as we were all talking. Sure, it was a bar and got crowded quickly, but it started to seem more and more deliberate. At one point four of us were sitting at a table and he fully had his legs spread, crotch on display, one foot against my chair on the outside. Like I had to step over it to get to the bathroom. 

I know alcohol can be a factor in some of these things, so just left it alone. Maybe he didn't notice he was doing it or didn't see the harm. Though I AM worried it might give the wrong impression to the rest of our team. 

Leaving, I may have also made things more awkward. He walked me to the door as he was going for a smoke. I turned to say bye, to find him leaning on the wall, hands in pockets, looking me over. At least he had the decency to stop as soon as I caught him but, not knowing what to do, I offered a hug. I guess I could have used that to ask *** he was doing, but just didn't know how to react. 

Do you think the above is enough to call him out on? Or am I thinking too much into it? I like him well enough as a person, so I'll definitely take it up with him before anything else, but I'm just not sure how to handle it. Should I wait for more before reacting?