A_bloke

Certainly some similarities, not gona lie. Your first paragraph though, I hav ealso has other people tell me how smart i am and how i know so much etc. Lately it feels as though she is not getting the attention she thinks deserves and is trying to trigger me to get it. All she has to do is drop her *** and be a nice person, thats all... Ill work on myself first. I really appreciate you sharing...

Thanks for the persepctives. I have settled now since getting off the meds and i am glad I did. I must admit you hit the nail on the head there and I didnt see it, depsite my best intentions and desperation I have over time become too focussed on trying to fix what I cant and drifted into an undesired space which clearly has the opposite effect. A bit to think about here. I have been conciously trying different things with conflict resolution, down to the point of retreating and closing the door behind me while she is outside trying to get me to bite and I have been very concious to not take the bait. This is only recent and new to me. Just trying to work out how to find a neutral path of communication but she is impossible to speak to as she constantly buts in and talks over me so cannot even say what I need no matter how much I try. There is definitly resentment between us, only difference is I feel I am trying to catch it and not act on it while she is still fuelling off her own. Im trying and definitly appreciative of this forum and everyones responses. I cant say that i could have imagined so many perspectives and advice as I have received here. Im grateful.

Thanks so much for sharing, it puts a bit into persepective. Its really great that you got past the gambling problem! Its something I refuse to do, gamble I mean.

Thank you, thats quite constructive and something to think about.

Thanks so much! This is actually really sound advice and ill look into the grey rock method, I strongly feel this is a huge weakness of mine that affects me not only in my relationship but in other aspects of life. I dont like being blamed for defending myself if that makes sense...

You are right, i just dont know how in this time. I have become co dependant and dislike this about myself. I have no idea where to start and look into.

It definitly is, but one I cant say I want to take part in. My kids are everything and this is from my own experience of being that kid. Maybe her knowing this is why she holds that much power instead of holding a level headed head.

I dont know what life without her would look like, to me its an unknown. When we moved in together we both moved out from our parents(parent for me) for the first time. Ill admit this is a place she has complete power/control over me and I am pretty sure she knows this. Its the type of "brutally functioning" home she came from. I fundamentaly dont agree on custody battles of kids with divorce, it screws up that generation and I want nothing more than to break tht cycle.

Wow, you are not wrong one bit, and pleast dont be sorry for writing what you did, its true. I have been trying to set boundaries and every time i try I fel she loves the challenge of taking them down. I feel she does not want me to be confident in myself, it would be hard for her with her own insecurity. She does mean well in some cases, but i feel that she has a thresh hold of me being happy on my own and from time to time breaks it to regain control. At least its how the pattern appears to me. I have let her know my limits countless times and it feels like she does not respect the limits, she is unfilterd and thinks that its ok to say the wrong thing if you say it calmy(her argument to justify no go zones). To me thats borderline psychotic way of thinking and a reason to say what she wants. You mentioned talking to her in a non critical way, this for me is a concious and ongoing battle. Despite me trying she will always see it and stamp it before its even begun. But I do need to try harder. I find it hard speaking to a person who has no concept of or even the importance being a listener. Yes expects it from me. It would be easier to listen to her if she also wasnt critical of me. We are definitly in a loop of the worst habits, but I feel the difference is I am open and openly trying to be better and it feels like she uses that as fuel against me. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and your insightful response! Greatly appreciated! I actually feel you saw it for exactly what it is. I feel my EQ has not only suffered through this but been destabilised. I will keep trying focussing on me, no matter how much I get punished for it.

Undeniably true 😞 I have also being battling anxiety which makes it hard but I and always doing what i can to accept it(have a long time ago) and get the upper hand of it. I am determined to be in control of it to not let me affect it. Sadly i feel that this relationships environment is constantly sabbotaging my efforts. I feel that she also has either anxiety and/or maybe bipoal. She would never be open to exploring that, only open to making an example of me and saying I do nothing to make her feel better. That hurts and has been for a very long time...

In a nutshell what you have written what i have known deep down, i have a horrible habit of hope. It just hurt when you put it to me so clearly about my kids ending up in the same kind of relationships, but it is undeniably true.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond. Greatly appreciated! In regards to your crucial example, I havent ever felt her have sympathy. She has a habit to brush things off and let them sort themself out which is hard trait to live with and I greatly feel it has developed mistrust with me. I dont feel a sense of priority from her and even realising till something is too late. I wish she was the type to get up at dawn and say I want to work out. She will have all the excuses to avoid bneing a better version of herself through excersize for example and expect me to do it to align with her. I am an ambitious type of person and my huge suffering is that she is the polart opposite of that. Before we met i was always ontime if not 10 minutes early anywhere for any sort of meeting. All this has changed and is out of my control. There is zero compromise. Its a guarantee that if we are visiting friends we will leave home at the time we should be arriving despite it being an hour away. Its been to the point that some friends have given her the wrong time to get her to come on time if that makes sense. She doesnt show any form of discomfort that people see her that way and any will of tackling that. Zero shame. I see she has made sacrifices and I feel absolutely horrible that I am on a massive roast about her but I just cant handle it. I feel taken for granted. She has no concept of filtering. I have endlessly tried to sit down and talk about things she may not get so that she would eventualy get, best possible intentions and good feelings. Any form of attempt of that sort she has shut it down and turned it all on me. No room for sorting anything out. Has even said straight to me that if i want something i need to convince her, yet she is impossible to convince anyting. It shouldnt be hard to hear your partners feelings. I made it clear that I am doing the best I can to be the best version of me for her and athat in order for that to be a success it does kidna rely on her not only maybe doing her best to understand that but also support that, not sabotage it because i am gaining a sense of self and happiness that didnt come from her if that makes sense. I have tried sacrificial changes to even accomodate her and she milked it for herself and never holds her end of a bargain so to say. Doesnt show a sign of remorse for it either, as if she was entitled to do that. Sorry i think i wondered off there a bit again. In regards to professional side of things, when i was working from home(i am in IT) I made it very clear she needs to respect that and basically forget that i am at home. She does not. She will still come in and ask me for help with things and break my focus. In regards to her professionalism at her work, we went through a huge rift some years back before getting married where took advantage of a guy at work to help her do her work which led in the wrong direction. He did everything possible to try and break us up so he could replace me. She loved the attention so much that she didnt care what it was doing to me and expected me to accept it. I still dont know to this day if she actually cheated or not but i have my suspicion sadly. She somehow ignored all her meetings with her TL about being late and staying late. eg. She would arrive at work at 10am on average and leave work say 7, maybe 8pm. Even when the crap between her and that coworker happened. I even explained that what he is doing is mental albuse to her in a work environment(without going into detail) and she and brushed it off. Her work was too good to her and let her contimue comign in late but cut her off from staying late. She eventually caught up with her work but never made the obvious change of getting up early like a regular person and starting the day like that. That she has carried since uni and now into potentialy ruining our kids foundations for life. Yes i try to get things to happen earlier but she just will not at ALL costs let go of her confort zone and grow up I cant fathom this and it breaks me on the inside regularly. Basically sabotaging not just herself but also my attempts at being a better me and a better parent. I see life as a journey of growth. I dont thing she shares that, as its a journey of static comfort, even if its in a pile of mess I refuse to clean up because she will push it to make that expectation and if after giving in and cleaning up her mess all the time i would eventually stop she would be really nasty to me and tormet me about look at what a crap husband i am that cant even help his wife. To clarify, i get there are plenty of hubands that dont pitch in from the get go etc, im making it clear that this is not one of those situations, its unique. Knowing how she works I have to draw a line 😞

I sincerely appreciate your response, I dont want divorce 😞 My wife knows this and plays for attention in the most annoying way she can which works against her too. Thanks for reminding me about negative mind set. No matter how much i try to regain focus and a positive mind set she has a sickening needy way of sabotaging it. She has a toxic need to be in control of my hapiness. If she isnt then she will cause an argument till i break/submit or basically cry and then become nice. She has a sick way of needing to be needed/have the attention on her. If I am doing something for me and ask her to let me have my space explaining its important she will have zero self control and start being that annoying person poking her head in where not wanted. Its as if she has a fear of missing out. Say i was famous and i was being interviewed, she would take that moment away from me to make it about her. Example: I trained for a bike race in our local mountain ranges. I trained hard and the training hurt. Then a few guys i ride with did a get away to a country town near us surrounded by the victorian alps and i was invited. I explained a couple of months in advance that the race is important to me and I need her to not get in the way of anything during my training. During the trip i had to babysit her and her needs, my training getaway was just not what it was meant to be. Last day with my friends out for dinner she became passively rude at the table to them and I was never invited again. Even at the table they couldnt believe how rude she was and i heard one saying under his nose "didnt anyone teach you if you have nothing nice to say dont". Couldnt even discuss this with her and she flat out denied doing it justifying that she said nothing wrong directly to anyone. She was commenting how everyone was so small in a really nasty passive agressive way. I still dont know what braought it on but i figure it was because no one wanted to wait up for her while she forced me to miss out. Mind you these were all people 10+ years my senior so far more experienced and literaly ditched me ever since then. Another example: Early dating stages, I went to a party with a friend and the moment i got the party in would be calling my mobile and doing everything she can to keep me on it so i cant be at the party. I was in a dark room on the phone while everyone is asking where i am. The moment the party was over she just got off the phone. I have plenty of these sabotage examples where she needs to remain in control and force any happy influence away from me. Feels like she needs to control my happiness in order to adddress her own needs. It sickens me and angers me just thinking how many times things like this have happened and i cannot even approach her about it, she will flat out deny and then start an argument to blame me the moment i stand my ground. Its been her go to move since I can remember (20 years now, 10 of those married). Its almost as if she has bipolar, i dont know what to think anymore. I did suggest couples therapy a number of times, didnt go to well. Disregarded and basically sabotaged so that it doesnt happen. Even have tried finding great write ups online from well known relationship psychologists to put between us so we can explore the ideas to improve our relationship. Nope, sabotaged and she absolutely trashed the experts..... She clearly has some issues and afraid of them surfacing.

Wow thats certainly insightful. My son is now the age I was when my my dad sent us to a communist over run country at the time while he stayed in the states. What kind of human does that. Your experience has given me something to think about and maybe some strength to buck up, i dont want that for my kids. Pretty sure I have PTSD from my child hood that followed after that. I cant even openly talk about these kind of things with my wife as she would use them to degrade/use it against me during an argument. Below the best is her style. I only want a happy marriage, it hurts so much not having that from someone I have put so much into and it still is always one sided. I struggle with her passive agressive abuse. Always using my suggestions against me when I to bring up talking points to hopefully improve our relationship, she will take things I suggest and use them against me passively to sabatage any attempt. Even now as I type this I asked for my own space and because i asked for that she is coming in here more. She has always done this seeking attention. She can have all the attention she wants if she goes about it the right way. Picking at a person with not get them positive attention and its something she cant grasp...

While I do agree I must also offer some insight from my experience. I don't remember the fights between them, I was too young. I do know they have been irrationally bitter since they split, also dilusional in their truths. But I certainly didn't have any role model examples from my own parents. To fill those gaps I observed families for all of my life. I had my grandfather come out and fill my dad gaps when I was younger. Greatest man in my life, sadly lived on the other side of the world. The only person I have ever met that literally resembled the true meaning of integrity to me. As for my wife's parents, they have their weird relationship, it works for them and that's fine but I would ever in my life live by their ways with zero empathy, self absorption and zero integrity. In their mind they live by the mentality of people in the 1930's where anyone younger than them has nothing to say and they milk that. In my mind they have demoralising mentalities if that makes sense. I sure will not ever respect people who force their truths at me without having an open discussion where everyone is heard equally and differences respected. Most hurtful thing about that tho is how it brushes off on my wife and it affects us.... It pains me when she comes back from a weekend there. Even my 14 month old didn't let either of them hold her while she is a happy baby around my mum who despite her hardships has a warm heart. Kids see that better than adults and it shows...

Thanks very much for taking the time to read and respond. Greatly appreciated. To clarify a few details, she has gone beyond her maternity leave and had to allow her position to be filled, despite that when she was at uni it was the exact same, just now we have children. Just wish she had a sense of organising not just home but herself. Something I wish could say I respect her for at this time. In the house her contribution is only for barely for herself, not anything that most people look to improve on in life if that makes sense. She talks about improvement, but never does anything about it and always manages to make it about me filling her gaps. I'd be more inclined to do things I shouldn't need to if she spoke to me with some respect, if she was supportive of me and not critical every chance she got to avoid hearing how I feel. Yesterday during the tail end of a horrible argue t she got into a loop of saying she has to be the stronger one. It's like she has had it drilled into her my her mother or something. It's the only thing that makes sense...

I have sought private therapy also to work things out and have things make sense a bit more. Unfortunately it hasn't been the most helpful. Felt more generic than anything if that makes sense. Divorce is not something I want to consider, although it's not off the table yet(I want to avoid it at all costs). I am a strong believer in working things out like adults despite it feeling impossible at this point. Growing up with divorced parents was the worst thing and I would never consider it for my children, even if I have to make a sacrifice and be unhappy. It's also horrible how the whole of society now days goes for the quick fix instead of working for a relationship. Call me old fashioned but I feel it's wrong and a pitfall of today. Anyway, your feedback is greatly appreciated, thank you.

Hi All, I just saw a couple of posts and joined, this forums seems unbiased. First up I love my wife but not sure I want to anymore. Im building resentment as she is not who i imagined nor is she growing to be someone I imagined to grow old with. Is it always like that? We met young, she was 19 and I was 20, fast forward 20 years and we have a 4 year old and a 14 month old which I adore more that anything in life! I want to be a better dad than mine ever was(he sent me and mum over seas to leave us). I know the misteakes I make and i do learn from them in order to do my best not to repeat them. Since I was younger I have alway sbeen a nice guy and due to that taken advantage of. But I met her, and to get her did everything outside of my comfort zone and we got married. I must admit she has a sweet side(we all do) which I fell in love with but she also has this excruciatingly difficult side that will never take responsability for the things she can say and do and instead there is no balanced adult talk abouit it possability but instead its a make all excuses in the world and justify it all including changing facts, deflect it and even turn it all around blaming me because how dare i defend myself "look at me at how i am reacting ofcoarse its me" attitude that absolutely disgusts me and I despise. I feel like the person that used to be my best friend cant be trusted. To be honest in hind site(yes that beautiful thing), the red flags were there from day one. First day I picked her up from uni and ALL following pickups(yes I am not exaggerrating) "ill be there in 5 minutes" always turn into close to an hour wait. Soon I found she had the reputation of being unreliably late, despite that I persued having no one to turn to for answers and having to work out my own ***. Fast forward all these years, nothing has changed on that front. still unreliable. Cannot count of anything to be delivered when said it will be. I get that it happens im not a total weirdo, but being reliable in the fact of knowing that she will be unreliable is just draining to say the least. If i am leting out to her, my wife, my best friend, if its not about her and someone else, even someone that that cuts me off on the road she will always not take my side as my wife but always justify total strangers. Wee brought a house together years back and moved into her parents home as they were not home regularly as they would be over seas, so we got ahead. After a long time this has detrimental effects. There was also an agreement that we pay for bills and they pay for food. That changed a couple months in, I wasnt approached or anything. It was done between my wife and her mum, I was compeltely left out and when i spoke up about it I was made the bad guy. Anyway, we stayed there far longer than originally agreed to, it was for the money despite me for between 4 to 6 years been saying we need to move out as I am suffering. During this time i got approval from her parents to turn the backyard into a vegetable garden as it was never used and overgrown. I never expected anything back for it, it was for my sanity. Living all this time in their home andd not being the king of my own castle was really detrimental. When they got back and stayed before the pandemic the house became too small for us all, i was treated like a door mat(my experience), I worked, payed for ALL bills, had no where to sleep but the couch for many months, wasnt appreciated, was told to shut up and that I had nothing to say. At some point I got a bed in an unused room/part storage room despite im still paying all bills I still had nothing to say or discuss. I broke down and became a bad version of myself and got blamed for reacting the way I did and told how *** of a person I was for trying to defend myself. I went to the doctor and said I need antidepressants so i dont jump in front of a train and was prescribed some that sort of helped. But at the end of the day I was taking them just to tolerate my life with my wife and her parents. I was pushed to the point that I was still no longer myself and was told to move out during the last of the Melbourne lockdowns(illegal at the time), and had zero help moving out. My wife did not lift a finger, i found a colleague from work that helped me move the biggest things. Everything else I did on my own. I still get judged for being not myself when pushed beyond th elimits of my sanity. One xmas at my wifes family with our first child, she passed him around to all family members, my mum was last, when it came her turn she took the baby back and didnt give my mum a hold. I broke down in tears and they just gave me the heartless silent treatment feeling smug that they treated me like *** and I knew it. While living with the inlaws, the mother inlaw came to me at one point saying that if anything is on my mind i can come to her for advice and i can count on her like my own mum and she would steer me in the right direction. Despite it feeling like it was a trap or a conflict of interest I still took that offer out of desperation. I poured out my pain, got no advice buit instead was belittled and made to feel like i should be ashamed and she walked away to her daughter and had talks with her and not me like she promised. Morning after we were married, there was a money box where guests put in some envelopes with gifts. My mum took it and put it in the back of a taxi despite the inlaw being close by and apparently watching over things. My wife chucked a tantrum that sent shockwaves through the relationship, basically indirectly accusing my mum of being a thief that the box should have stayed with her mum. They all treated me and my mum like thieves for looking out for something. Basically was heart broken and had no one to talk to about it besides my mum who was well, appaulled. Fast forward all these years, we dont sleep in the same bed, I get zero attention, I get zero platform to say anything that is weighing me down. Ill face an instant agressive shutdown and everything changed to be my fault and how am I not doing the right things to make her feel loved. For starters I was approaching her for those reasons. The house is a total mess, yes i get that with kids i need to do my part and i get it. Im not ignorant, I can cook, chef quality in fact(had frieds say I should open a business), I know how to clean and keep the place clean. To be honest I started out like that, but early on it wore off. Mainly from the things Id get hurt by that I heard in judgement. Just disheartened after a long time. In all honesty i see no point supporting someone to refuses to have any self disciplin, doesnt look afterher self, yes i get that sounds judgemental to some but here is far more to it than a single statement. Its a collective issue. I have literally just withdrawn. What ever effort i make to make the inside of the house clean or organised she will undo it. She will take out anything she wishes to use and not pack up after her. She will forcably use my space too if i let her. I dont want to be in a home of a hoarder which has no desire to clean up after herlsef. She will clean what ever she needs to use(minimals). Lets say the dining table, kids eat there too, there are toys and activity items there. When i ask to clear the table I am confronted with an argument. The sapce she does keep clear is for her and the kids. There is no place at the table for me. I have mentioned this and wasnt received very well, "its my fault". Look outside the house, the garage etc, its perfectly organised and kept clutter free. While livikng with her inlaws she ended up stuffing some of our stuff into her mums wardrobe as there was room. Her mum not only asked her to remove it but also many times over had to ask her as she just put it back next day. Literally to the point it frustrated her and there NO possible way to getting through to my wife. Literally cannot tell that she is taking things far. She is "entitled" no matter the concequences. Sorry its a lot to read, its literaly just the tip of the iceberg. To be completely honest im no angel either, I have had bad friends in the past etc. But I learned from that and took those lessons to go forward. I do not feel that is being done from her end. I dont feel any remorse for bad things said, there is always a "but" IF i ever get an apology which instanly cancels it out. SDhe is unapprochable to talk if its anything with the spotlight on her and i have gone out of my way to make sure im approaching delicatly. If the spotlight is on me and about how im gonna change and how i am at fault despite me just taking blame for peace then she is all ears and then gives me a sense of caring. When i need her the most I dont feel she is there but rather retreats and in some cases agressively. Take for example, if id crash and burn from work( it was a toxic ennvironment from one of the worlds biggest news/media companies) she wasnt there as a pillar of support. Downplayed any feelings I had. Classic playbook is always deflect, cause an argument and blame me. I try to do the right thing and engage her about fixing our ruotine so the kids are setup for life with a good routine. I get not only shutdown but agressively have it all thrown at me. She likes to wake up around 10am, take the 4yo to childcare and then start feeding breakfast for lunch. Even on non childcare days. I dont dare wake her at a time the worlds starts else it will all be my fault. I have no place to say that we need a healthier lifestyle to teach our kids good habits. She will go to bed at 2am every night. She can be a great wife when she chooses to but she doesnt choose to and apparently every bit of it is not only my fault but the tornado that follows distorts everything so that my good intention work somehting out is made to *** and im the worst person ever because i attempted a change that scared her Also, yes i have suggested couples therapy which she would not only reject but dridicule that person about how would they know they are useless etc. For myself, i have done yoga and meditation at her request for our relationship. I also used to run, cycle, swim, go to the gym and extensively study nutrition for myself, gave up smoking and all the things i could to try and get who she wants yet I am the bad one. There is not a single thing out of all of that she has done to change herself while i am expected to meet her needs changing myself. Im just over it and looking for reasons to stay. I swore that I would not be the father that I had who turned away but I am desperate here, she kind of knows it too and rides that. Whether she is concious of how toxic she is or not I am trying to be better and she sabotages it. I havent felt tears for a long time untill recently since i re fused to remain on my medication for moral reasons. I took them to tolerate my wife and thats not right so I got off the pills. I dont want to take them, I shouldnt have to. I shouldnt have that used against me in toxic arguments, its always below the belt and she always goes below the belt. Again, sorry this tip of the iceberg is long... Its been kind of theraputic writing this. Open to anything anyone can suggest, i have a tendancy for letting things crash n burn instead of trusting myself and moving on. I just dont want my kids to grow up without parents and that gets me real bad deep down..... Thanks for reading....