Mamma_Mia70

I agree with Catfeeder. I also add avoiding negative self-talk, blaming yourself, and thinking about how it "could have been" Be patient with yourself and make yourself a priority... your #1 priority. Someone I love is going through this and I will hold space in my heart for both of you. Be well.

Thanks. I'm ok with the occasional piece of mail coming in as it gives me an excuse to break the "no contact" boundary he set up. We take a pic of the mail, text it and ask if important. Then we close with love and miss you, willing to talk whenever you are ready. Depending on how long this goes who how badly she screws with his brain, he needs to hear more than once that he's wanted here.

They now live together and have jobs. It's a long story but after several months of supporting them (emotionally and financially), we gave Son 6 months notice to start saving up so he could move out and support himself. Her nastiness towards me started after notice was given. I think the best I can do is keep a journal to help remember things along the way (including my feelings, not just a log of events) and hope it's helpful to us when/if he comes back. There may never be a familial "post-mortem" of this whole episode - but should he want to discect things - I want to remember properly. Until then, I wait and hope he's ok. I'm all for this being a learning experience for him, just don't want him to end up totally wrecked by her. She has borderline personality disorder. People with borderline personality disorder often have difficulty tolerating being alone and may resort to self-destructive actions to cope with or to avoid being alone. They may make frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, including creating crises. (Source: Merck Manual) She had childhood trauma. The tactics she used to survive that environment are what she's using now to survive crises that she imagines/creates. I think it's the only way she feels normal. I do feel for her. Not to the extent I used to.

Falls hard/falls fast sounds like my kid - thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience here

I've worried over that possibility too but have no evidence of it.

We tried a few ways to reach out. He declines. The one rule we've put on him is that he must respond to us in a timely manner and he must be as cordial to us as he would a stranger - or we would cut off the support. At first, he was ignoring us and/or nasty toward us. He's stated he wants no contact, so we only reach out when he gets a piece of mail that looks important. I always include messaging that says he's loved and missed and that we'd like to talk whenever he's ready. I won't purposely bump into him in public. I hope I don't accidentally bump into him either because I think I would burst into tears.

I will spend some time thinking about your advice. At the moment, I simply have a different take. Thanks again.

Thanks but I believe if we stop paying it plays into her narrative. Having him on our health insurance doesn't cost us anything since it's a family plan rate.

Thank you. Definitely haven't and won't speak I'll of her.

We pay his health and car insurance. He doesn't ask for anything additional. My husband toyed with the idea of pulling our financial support and I nixed it. We have always said we'd cover these expenses until age 26. To make a string attached to that seems retaliatory. I haven't really spoken with her family since everything first unravelled.

Yes, I know her well. Dating 2 years. I don't say anything negative about her to anyone, so thanks for confirming my neutrality tactic as the best one. Appreciate the feedback.

Son (22), has GF (21) with borderline personality disorder. Son has loving family and had a privileged upbringing. He's an empath. He's kind, protective, and loyal. He's also prone to anxiety and depression. Coming of age during the pandemic took a toll on him. GF had traumatic childhood, proudly admits to hating her mother. GF fabricated a whopper about me. Son refuses to speak with me, Dad, or siblings - not even to get our response to her lie. GF wrote me lengthy email and texts to "document" her lie and my "failings" as a mother. After this happened, some of her relatives have come forth to share other things she's done - including trying to make a pact with her cousins to make false allegations of sexual abuse about another relative to the police. To me, it seems the GF is trying to make me into a bad mom in his eyes and then trauma bond over their shared bad mothers. I'm flabbergasted he can't see it. Estrangement with Son is coming up to the one year anniversary. I'm so worried about him. He's an adult so I have accepted the boundaries he's set forth (that is, no contact), but is there anything I can do to ensure he knows we are here when he's ready? Are there any resources for someone in his situation to turn to when they realize they're being abused? Are there stats on how long before she turns on him? Would love to hear any happy endings to those with similar stories. I need some hope to cling to. ***PS) I would never claim to be the perfect parent, but know in my head and heart I did everything to the best of my ability 100% of the time. My failings would likely be described as being there for my kids too much, not letting them fail on their own, and not requiring more of them around the house. My kids were never abused, neglected, or even once witnessed my husband and I in an argument. We were a loving, happy family that enjoyed each other and I want that back if possible.***