I am only going to say this once….Yes I live with a pain so bad that it physically causes me pain…Looking at you is a constant reminder of what you did to me…The fact you think its ok because some stranger told you that it was hurt me even more…The fact that another person knows that I married you twice doing what you did is very embarrassing or me. It makes me feel like an idiot because no one I know would have married a girl that did this to them…There is nothing you can do to take back what you did..I do believe that you would take it back if you could and that you regret it deeply…I am the one who has supported you, helped your family, given your kids the best life and the one who works his ass off to try and give our kids a shot at a great future…You take selfies all the time, you delete messages on your phone, you spend time deleting useless emails and you really believe us getting divorced is the best idea. This is all negative.
I don’t think anyone is better than you, I don't compare you to people, I do think you make excuses and try to play the victim in life because you don't want to be the best. I do think you are capable of being better, I think you don't work out enough and it makes you tired by being overweight. My aspirations and goals are very different from yours and have always been different.
My negative thoughts of you outweigh the positives. So when you're talking to those strangers to make you feel better, taking selfies in random places, and doing whatever it is you're doing, remember I may not see but like everything you have done God does see.
I tried to cover it up but Mathew knows the truth and for that I am sorry. I never wanted our son to look at his mother that way. I am sure you will show this letter to everyone who will listen and they will say this is gaslighting. But be clear I do not care to control you or make you feel bad. There is no reason to make you feel bad just because I do.
You were the one person I loved more than life, more than myself, more than anything. I went to sleep thinking and dreaming about you. I woke excited because I hoped to see you that day and kiss and hold you. I saved every penny to buy you a nice ring and pay for our wedding. I didn't eat for days to make sure I had gas to see you. I truly believed that god put you in my life as a gift to make up for all the other pain I had been through. You were my heart and soul, the angel on my shoulders and the light at the end of every tunnel. I would have died for you (and I guess I did die in a sense). My heart is broken, my soul shattered and I have never been able to rebuild myself and bounce back from this.
Making love to you is not enjoyable because that love is lost. Because those images are in the back of my mind. Because even after 20 years you still remember him and have the nerve to tell me my penis is bigger than his (something no man should ever have to hear).
We stay together for the kids and try to make it work. There is no end of the road for us. No sitting on a bench when we're old. No endless love with a fairy book ending. I wish it was, because that’s all I ever wanted. All I ever wanted was you. You broke me and for that I will never forgive you. These are all the negatives…
The positives are that you are a good person to other people. You are genuinely caring, smart in your own ways, boba in others. You are beautiful and have the eyes of an angel. You have the capability to do so much. Your faith in God is amazing and honorable. You truly love your children and other family members. You work hard and try your best (your time management sucks though). But overall you are a great person.
I don’t trust you and unfortunately you can’t change that you can’t make it better and that's not fair to either of us. Over the past few months I have seen a friend go through and feel what I feel and it has affected me. It has changed me because i think how stupid is he for forgiving her. Than I think I am just as stupid. I know this letter is putting everything in writing and will change our futures forever, this letter will change our kids' destiny. I probably should not even give you this letter.
You say in your book you are sorry you hurt me but I do not think you know how much. Sex is emotional for a women, her body is her temple a gift from god. When you gave me your body I was proud and honored. When we broke up you hurt me and I tried to move on. I did not expect you to become a nun and wait for me or anything like that. But after everything we had been through and all the love you claimed to have for me I would never in a million years think you would slept with my friend and start a relationship with anyone I grew up with. This I will never ever forgive you for. I have tried to move on and forget but there are always so many reminders in my face and it is not working.
I love my kids more than anything in this world, more than life, I would take every ounce of pain from them so they would never have to feel anything bad (This is the way I felt about you). You say you're trying to make yourself better and that you have to worry about yourself because no one else does.
So I know this letter is long and you probably don’t care about any of this. But this letter started as a love letter. It started with the idea of making you feel awesome and know how great you are, how much you mean to me, how special you are but after reading this back to myself I realize that all though you are an awesome person. You are not for me….Fear keeps me with you, fear of ruining my children's life, fear of selling our home and moving our kids from everything they know. A relationship driven by fear is not good. I am not afraid anymore. I am not scared and I am not going to live like this. You have broken me for too long. You have made me feel like less than a man. You have hurt me beyond repair. You have ruined my heart and filled it with hate. The question is can this be fixed? Answer, I don’t think so. I push myself in business to reach a level where I can give my kids everything and keep them in the same level of life they are used to, while being able to move on and start a life and find someone I trust. Someone who puts me first, someone who truly believes I am amazing, that I make them happy in every way, someone who pushes me to be a better man, someone who would die for me. That person may not exist and may never meet her. But at least having the hope in my heart keeps me going. You will never see this letter because it would break you and as the mother of my children I don’t want you to hurt. You put your job and other people before me. You play on your iphone you do everything you can not to be with me. You took my faith in people, God and most of you broke my heart.
After all this the only thing I can tell you is that I hope one day you realize what you did is never going to be ok even if a stranger says it is and the fact that you believe that it is ok makes you a piece of *** and stupid. I hope one day soon you find a person just like you and you get everything you deserve. I hope I wake up and you have packed your stuff and left my home.
Love Always,
You know who
PS. This is a love letter gone bad….
Should I go or should I stay for the kids?
