Hlsl

2 hours ago, Zilkas98 said:

Let him go 

Thank you.

3 hours ago, SherrySher said:

You deserve respect and a lot of love, OP. Don't lose hope. Sometimes it can take a lot of time to find the right one.

I was alone and searched for nearly a lifetime before I found my husband at a later age.

Never settle. You deserve the best!!

 

 

Thank you so much, for your kind words and for the encouragement.

53 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Thank you for being so patient and tolerant about my responses and taking them as intended. 

It is me who have to thank you. 

6 minutes ago, waffle said:

Men like this count on you waiting for him.  And the fact that your question is/was "am I losing him?" and wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt is an indication that he is right.

He will definitely be back.

I feel I learned a lot these days after posting my question, from all of you who were so supportive, it was eye-opening. Thank you.

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

This is like a double whammy and it must feel shocking for things to take this turn. I’m sorry. 
Also waffle makes a good point. I also can imagine him reaching out and yes be strong.  You know what he’s capable of now. 

Thank you, but he won't reach out, he knows I am too proud for that and he knows very well he messed it up with me. He is not a very brave person by default, so I doubt he will ever bother to initiate a discussion and hear the truth.

1 hour ago, waffle said:

Just be aware that he will probably come back at some point, all apologetic and with lots of excuses.  If you engage with him again at that point, the message you're sending him is: you can treat me poorly and I will accept it.  For that reason you can be guaranteed 100% that he will disappear on you again.

Don't do it.  

Thank you. I doubt that he will return, he knows me well enough not to do it. And he has already proven how much he keeps me in his mind. At this point, I don't feel there is anything I can tell him anymore. Once the trust has been broken, I can't mend it back, that's how I am. 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Oh ok I see- I'm sorry he disappointed you.  I don't think you live in a bubble. I think people generally are good.  I think people who are good and reasonably confident pace themselves in a romantic relationship as  far as choosing how attached to get despite strong feelings.  I know you were first friends but romantic attachment is different and can bring out different sides of people.

I am 56.  I am still changing and growing.  I did a great deal of changing and growing in my 40s which is when I first married, became a mother, brand new city for the first time in my life, brand new job -full time mom.  REally - "at this age??" I really hope you lose such self-limiting notions.  It is 100% your call whether you want to be in a serious romantic relationship with anyone else or look to be in one.  It could be the right decision for you to be on your own and live your life however makes you happy. 

I think it's normal to feel less than courageous after being disappointed in this way by this person who also was your close friend.  Of course and I'm sorry!!

I don't think it's inconsistent of all for this guy to want a family. Men have very few concerns as far as a clock ticking - I know of two men who had their 5th child in their early 60s.  (One adopted, one had twins with his new wife).  

Thank you for sharing this and for all your support throughout these difficult days for me, I honestly appreciate it. I know, I must reset my thinking and hope that there will be someone one day that will make me feel exactly the opposite of what I feel today. 

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I’m so sorry this guy hurt you, and I think I’m not the only one here who is angry at him FOR you.

How long we’re you dating him?

Looking back, can you identify anything about him that might have given a less invested person some pause?

 I ask because those would be things you can put in your pocket to build some confidence in your ability to see that stuff going forward. If not, then dating feels more like a crapshoot.

Thank you so much for your support. 

To respond to your question, the only thing that comes to my mind looking back is that he mentioned that he feels depressed and very unhappy with the new job and city he has just moved to. And I know that he also took distance from a very close friend, he seems to talk to other people, but not to him anymore. My guess is that he is confused and acts in an imature way. Having had only two relationships until this age, he probably feels that this is last chance to be young and explore. On the other hand, he is very sad that the time is passing and he really wants to make a family, like most of his friends, he kept talking about this. 

4 hours ago, SherrySher said:

OP, my take on this is very short and to the point.

It doesn't matter what is going on with him, with his ex, or getting back together, or his personal life, etc...the bottom line is, you sent a text, if he was any kind of gentleman at all, or had any kind of respect for you, he would have replied.

The fact that you sent TWO, and got ignored, should be enough now for you to realize that this man has no respect and no manners.

He isn't worth your time.

There is no excuse in the world for behaving badly like that to a lady.

Thank you. Until sharing my thoughts here, I had the feeling I probably live in a bubble and my expectations from people are unrealistic. It is heart-warming to see so many kind and decent people here who proved me wrong.

3 hours ago, SherrySher said:

Even if for some reason he lost interest, even if he got back together with his ex, or whatever went on, he still should have been a decent guy, let you know and been respectful.

The fact that he just chose to ignore you and ghost, is just plain bad behavior.

Don't take it personally, this shows his character and does not reflect anything about you at all.

It's a shame he isn't the nice guy you thought he was, but he really isn't. 

Thank you. I agree. Whatever happened, respect should not have lacked between us. I always felt respected by him as a friend, so this behaviour is impossible for me to justify.

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes -I learned a lot this way as well!  My husband has better qualities than me in certain respects -I admire those qualities a lot and in fact I've grown as a person as I see him as a role model.  But I don't put him on a pedestal generally - and I don't want to be put on a pedestal by anyone (except my son LOL sometimes!) - I used to get turned off by men who put me on a pedestal and I could see and feel that "ick" sense from men when I did the same.

I haven't put him on a pedestal either, I just overfocused on his good traits and the many things we have in common, that's why I idealised the situation.

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes I'm familiar with all of this.  I am also familiar with increased vulnerability after being out of the dating scene for awhile. 

I dated for a lot of the 24 years I was in the dating scene -meaning when I wasn't in an LTR.  Met over 100 men in person through online sites.  Countless blind dates, dated friends who became more, people I met through work, at work, a neighbor, people I met at singles events, singles retreats, religious activities. 

I just texted my friend a current photo (a photo from his company's website -we lost touch in the 1990s when we ended up working for the same company after not seeing each other for about 12 years) of my first "love" first kiss (song was Imagine right after John Lennon was killed) - who broke my 14 year old heart -I felt like the OP did.  After a month of dating.  He was 13 I think LOL.  But he did. 

I get it.  I think the OP feels what she feels and if she wants to be out there in the dating world hopefully she'll develop a thicker skin so she can choose a reaction to those feelings that allow her to move on in a healthier and more self-affirming way.  I had to build a thick skin over time.  I did.  Because my goal was marriage and family. 

It was so rough out there for all those years -especially when I got in my own way! - but totally worth it given my goal.  Had that not been my goal I'd never have done all the emotional and physical work for casual dating.  So if the OP is looking for serious/long term I hope she doesn't allow herself to react to her feelings so that she cannot move on with a positive mindset.  I had to marshal up internal and external resources and support to do so.  Especially once I was in my 30s.  Good luck OP!!

Thanķ you so much. Not sure I can change so drastically at this age, I honestly lost my courage for now. Funny thing is I wasn't even thinking about starting dating again until he asked me out, that was not my immediate goal, finding someone. I guess I simply wanted him, not a partner or a husband in general.

37 minutes ago, Lambert said:

aww. I know it's a disappointment. I'm sorry.  I think as we get older it gets harder.  But take some time to heal and when you're ready start looking at the lesson here, be grateful you didn't spend any more time on him. Because at the end of the day, the people that let us down don't really deserve the tears. There are much more important and frankly happier things in life to fill your mind and time. 

demote the guy to inconsequential and a bullet thankfully dodged. 

Thank you. It was really helpful and encouraging talking to you.

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't really follow from your word choice.  I don't see the connection between seeing someone in a good light and then feeling worthless if that person chooses not to be romantically involved with you.  I've justified other people's actions -like cutting someone slack if he is tired and irritable but I've never justified a person - I don't get what that means

Sometimes, when we are feeling insecure and unsure of ourselves, some of us tend to lose our self-worth if we don't feel validated by the others. At the same time, we tend to see others as being better than us, we idealise them. As I was saying, some of us, this does not have to apply to all people, we all go through life in our own way. This is why it is good to receive all your feedback here, I can see how other people approach the same situation and learn from it.

34 minutes ago, Lambert said:

very profound statement Hlsl! 

I am close to your age and I spent a lot of my time in relationships being the one to fix things, let things slide, always taking the high road, being the bigger person, accepting people as they are.  All very noble things but very unfulfilling. 

At some point I started really focusing on myself and looking at my relationships from an observer point of view. Asking myself were my relationships at the level of mutual respect, equality &  understanding that I really needed? 

It was life changing. I let some relationships go.  It wasn't easy but it was necessary. I now have less people around me but the ones I do have are better than the ones I walked away from. I don't consider any of it a loss.

I appreciate what was but know I have to have that mutual respect and understanding of each other to be anything more than polite acquaintances.  not everyone rises to the potential. And that's ok.  They play in their circle and I in mine. 

Thank you for sharing this. I have done the same in the past years. I "cleaned" up my life quite drastically, I let go of people whom I thought would be there for the rest of my life. I have very few friends left, but I am happy with my choice, once I let them go I felt as if I was healed of a long disease. He was one of the friends I chose to keep and to trust. This is why it is so painful I guess. Not losing a romantic partner, although this hurts too. But losing the friendship and the intimacy it created before the romance part, this really hurts. 

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't do that.  Why do you think this is generally true? I do not.  Why do you think create images of people you don't know well and put all that energy looking for the best as opposed to simply using common sense and taking in information over a period of time to get to know the person through his actions? Why do you feel you choose to see the worst in yourself at that point? 

Good question. I thought I have taken my time throughout the past months to get to know him. Why I chose to see him in such a good light and why I suddenly felt so worthless when he disappeared...I honestly don't know. Maybe because I saw much of myself in him my tolerance level was higher than it should have, it was easier to accept and justify him.

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

thanks but I don't think it's intuition. I think a lot of people and maybe you, try to see the best in people. When they let us down we look for reasons to be a better friend, a better partner. That's very admirable. but not everyone deserves those chances.  

One thing I've finally learned- people know what they do. they know they blew uou off, they know they are being a crap person, they know. and when poor behavior is excused away, they do it again.  

You need to hold yourself to stronger boundaries. You texted him twice. no response? then you gotta walk away.  Even if he were to contact you, there's no respect there.  With no respect there's no chance for a true authentic connection and relationship.

start seeing yourself and your time as the prize that it is and stop letting people waste it or benefit from your goodness with nothing in return.

otherwise you're just a fake as they are. 

Thank you so much for your advice, it has been very helpful to read all this. It's true, we spend so much energy looking for the best in people, that when they fail to raise to the image we created about them, we end up only seeing the worst in ourselves.

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Would you treat someone you care about and have romantic feelings for the way he's treated you? Even if you were "depressed and stressed"? 

No. Even when I lost my father and I was in deep pain, I remember I still replied to people even when it felt hard to find the energy to do so.

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

He might not be a player. I think you give this schmuck too much credit. Like he is so deep. lol

He may have only been in two relationships because he didn't know how to end them.

Just because someone has had relationships it doesn't mean they are good at them.  he may have been with women that were equally unable to communicate effectively and they were happy in their dysfunction 

You have a great intuition. I now realise that this is what happened. It took him two years to break up with his ex-partner, just because (according to him) he was afraid of being single again after 10 years. 

32 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Feel relieved that he's not in your life anymore.  Feel relieved that you know his real personality and true character.  Better to know now and end it than him playing a deceitful game with you and for you to discover his deceit later.  Good riddance! 

Thank you. You are right, it is already painful, it would have been much worse later.

1 hour ago, waffle said:

Interesting that you're still hoping to continue with him after he has clearly made every effort to push YOU away for good.

 

I was considering giving him the benefit of a doubt, finding excuses for him (he has been depressed, stressed etc). But reading all comments here, it seems naive of me to do that.

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Do you think a man you need to chase or convince to spend time with you is somehow more valuable?

Of course not. On the contrary.

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

This guy should be ashamed of himself. 40 years old and this is how he acts? 

He is not a good guy, not a catch, not polite, not shy or any of the words you used to describe him. 

He is emotionally inapt. this is not how you treat a friend. Ghosting you in the first place- enough to never talk to this guy again. You certainly deserve better.

Then to cowardly send you a request on social media and like all your posts.  Are you freaking kidding me. No!  this guy is a LOSER.

I know you're making this about maybe he's shy or what you might have done but no. This is him showing you what a lily-liver he is. he's definitely distracted by another woman but not big enough a person to be honest with you.  But if she sees him for who he really is (like you are) he'll be back with some bull crap story 

Block this guy and keep open for a real man that knows what's he's doing.  At 40 ish this guy is beyond pathetic as a human being.

Sorry you're upset or taking this personally but this guy is not worth it. Do not lower yourself any more.  

Thank you so much. I never thought he could have been a player. He only had two relationships in his life, both very long-term, he always seemed a committed and responsible person. Otherwise I would have never gave him a chance. But...who knows, maybe he wants to live now what he didn't in his 20s, which makes him even more imature.

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

I'm truly sorry about your family losses and this all piling up on you, but you posted initially that you became single and moved THIS YEAR.  That is not a long time of being single, especially for a person in your 40's.   A very small piece of your life.  Generally speaking we need to get back to "ground zero" in a sense after a long relationship ends, and before committing to a new one, to be our best.

This guy ... I might understand some cold feet and him choosing to cut off your new romance for the above reason.  But the way he stopped communicating and his presence on your social media is beyond creepy.  Truly there is no way this man could be a viable partner to anyone unless he makes some dramatic changes in himself, which will take years of work.  You are lucky, really.

Thank you. English is not my native language, so some things might not have come through correctly. This year we moved to the same city both of us and he became single, I have already been single for a few years while caring for my family. And you are right, the last thing I needed was to have my heart broken once again after all I have been going through. 

20 minutes ago, Andrina said:

The thing you can learn from this experience, pertaining to any future dating opportunities, is to to never make more effort than you're getting in the beginning stages. It's a great way to gauge a person's interest or lack of it. Your first mistake was texting a whole week later after no reply from the initial text. If a person, whether it be a love interest or a supposed friend cannot take one minute out of their day to reply, why would you make any further efforts for someone who shows you they don't care?

At that point, whatever happened in the past to make you think he had cared are irrelevant.

In the future, don't assume so much when you barely know someone. It takes a year or more to see how a person handles a myriad of things in life.

If I were you, I'd be single for awhile and concentrate on your new career position and  forming new female friendships in the area. If you do this, you will likely be far more prepared to navigate the dating world. Take care.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel you are absolutely right. It was hard for me to open up to love again after a long time of being single and painful family losses. Probably this is why I take it so hard.