Beargirl201

Okay so just to update you all, I’m with him now and he didn’t seem nervous or anxious about me visiting at all, and he introduced me to some of his other class friends as well as this girl as his girlfriend. And he actually didn’t seem uncomfortable about me meeting her. The girl was kind of mean to me though and made a few backhanded comments towards his and my relationship, which was a little uncomfortable. 

Me and him have agreed to have a long conversation later just to get it out in the open, so I’ll let you know how it goes. 💛

15 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

Hi, I see there have been lots of responses to this already, and I haven't read them all. I'm sure they are very good. Personally, I lived WITH a boyfriend when this exact kind of thing started happening right under my nose with our female neighbor, who would continuously insert herself into our lives. They were essentially flirting with each other while he would look me right in the face and say it wasn't flirting. But I was not born yesterday and neither were you. Long story short, our relationship ended, and I moved out. They announced their relationship shortly afterward and actually got married. Sooooooooo, I don't think you're being insecure at all and maybe you should have a talk with your boyfriend. 

I’m really sorry that happened to you, and thank you so much for sharing and your advice! I really appreciate it! ❤️

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

So the work is a compromise ? Like what “it’s ok to see her if we double date?” “It’s ok to see her in a group “? Consider if you want that dynamic with him especially long distance.  And his compromise would be seeing her less ? Not one on one ? And these compromises require effort - I mean the effort we all make when making a choice - but “work?”  
Last night my husband was engrossed in a TV show and tired so I did the cleaning up stuff he usually does.  He would have but much later which didn’t work for me. It felt like work because it was extra work. 10 minutes or so but a time of day I’m just so fried.
I chose to be quiet recognizing he’d had a long day and was really enjoying his show even texting with his cousin about it. That’s kind of the work of a relationship.  Give and take.

But when he asked me in 2005 not to meet with a platonic male friend an hour before we all were going to meet (him meeting my male friend for the first time) I recognized that my loyalty was with him even though I didn’t quite get what the issue was.
 

 it didn’t feel like work. Or even a compromise. It simply felt like the normal way people in love navigate situations that trigger the priority of your partner over a friend even if it seems like a non issue to you. We’ve had that sort of issue exactly zero times after that one and only time. And we both have platonic friends of the opposite gender. 

That’s a good point. Honestly I’ve never been in a long term relationship before and I don’t really have any parental figures to talk to about this, so all this advice is really helpful, I appreciate it!

And we had a long video call and he said he wouldn’t hang out with this girl anymore because ‘I was more important to him’ and he understood why it made me uncomfortable. And he gave me the girl’s name and her Instagram so I could know who she was. I think visiting him and just seeing how things go is the next step x

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But what would this work look like and what specifically would you work on? Why do you think it would require "work" - if you two want to be together exclusively then it's not work to continue to choose to be together, is it? I mean I crushed on a local radio personality for awhile -never had any contact with him just had one of those fan crushes I guess.  It faded and now I still like listening to him on the radio, or seeing him on TV but not in any "crush" way.  Took no work.  Because it shouldn't take work to want to be with your partner and choose your partner over a crush.

If you mean work by working on rationalizing that you feel comfortable with his crush because your worries that all the time he spends with her is playing with fire are just "worries" and not real - then yes that's a ton of work.  Unproductive work.  Either you trust him or you don't and  trust him to act appropriately or you don't.

It's fine if you tell him "I am not comfortable with all the time you are spending with her because I think it gives her the impression you are single or looking to be single" and if he responds "you know, I didn't see it that way but you're right -it's leading her on and I want to be with you" -it's all good.  And no work involved.  If instead he pushes back and wants you to "work" on being more accommodating about his "friend" that is him asking you to do work not the two of you doing work.

I'd be really careful about settling for a situation where it requires "work" for one person to behave consistently with being in a committed relationship which was your status quo -before he met her.

Thank you so much for your advice, this is really helpful and has given me a lot to think about. I don’t want to be the only one making compromises in the relationship so I’ll definitely tell him that I feel uncomfortable and my point of view, and if he does push back and wants me to do all of the work then I think ending the relationship would be better for the both of us moving forward. 

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

So, when is the trip?

He's got a crush on her, despite what he's telling you. It's obvious. Whether or not he acts on it is important, but also beside the point. If he's got space in his mind and heart to get this close to another woman, your relationship is already in a lot of trouble. 

 

We decided that I’d go down to visit him tomorrow actually. And I do agree with you, I definitely think he has a crush on her. If he doesn’t act on it, I think we may be able to work though it though.

Hey! I just wanted to let you all know that me and my boyfriend had a very long and calm conversation, and he seemed really sincere and apologetic about the situation. He told me he didn’t like this girl romantically and I’m not totally sure if I believe him if I’m honest. But he wants me to go and stay with him for a while. 
I think I might give him a chance, but I also may just be being naive. 
 

What do you all think? x

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn't ask him that.  I'd ask him - do you still want to be in a serious relationship with me? And tell him his actions are not consistent.  Don't ask him how he "feels" -he may not even know.  But he'll know without hesitation that he wants to be with you.  If he says yes then ask him to make a plan to see you.  And see if his actions match his words.

That makes a lot of sense, thank you so much. I’ll definitely keep that in mind. 

Be careful, he’s probably lying to both of you if he was capable of lying to this other girl. If you think maybe there’s a miscommunication, are you able to speak to this girl privately? To maybe get all the sides of the story, maybe she’s being played too.

But overall honesty and trust are the most important things, and if he doesn’t give you that then you deserve so much better. 

3 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I would feel insecure,  distrustful and disgusted if I were you.  Apparently,  your boyfriend doesn't know how to behave honorably whether your back is turned or not.  ☹️

He treats you with extreme disrespect. 

You can never change a man.  He is who he is.  If you try to change him,  he'll simply cover his tracks better in the future.   He'll keep his mouth shut and figure ignorance is bliss for you which is very sneaky behavior. 

He insinuates that you're not so perfect.  Beware.   He spells trouble for you not just now but in the future as well.   Either accept him the way he is or show him the door.  Let the door hit his  _______  on his way out! 

Yeah you’re totally right! I’m thinking of maybe just straight up asking him if he likes her, honesty is the most important thing for me and if I can’t trust him then this relationship probably isn’t going to work out anyway. I just feel sad now because I really loved him.
Thanks for your advice! 

8 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

I don't know that many women would be comfortable to hear that their boyfriend is spending a lot of time alone with another woman.  Telling you that he compliments her and thinks she's perfect is downright rude and hurtful.  If he won't tell you anything about her and presumably there have been no opportunities for you to meet this woman, then I'd say he's enjoying a new relationship and keeping you in the background for when he returns home.  Your boyfriend is being disrespectful so no, you are not being insecure.  You need to have a serious talk with him.

You’re right. And he keeps delaying me visiting him which is obviously not a good sign. We’ve been together a while and everything was going really good up until now so it’s quite hard to accept that he may be doing this but I will definitely talk to him today. Thank you.

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I am all for people having platonic friends no matter what their marital/relationship status.  If she is single - has he told you he talks about you with her? Can you two meet up in these few months -or is it too far? What have you asked about her? Do you trust him otherwise?  I am suspicious because this is a brand new friend and they are spending an awful lot of time together for new platonic friends, and he's there for an educational opportunity -is she in the same program? I personally would assume there's some attraction there on at least one side.

I'd tell him - how would you feel if I made a new male friend and was going on these trips/outings alone and telling you how awesome he was?

How often do you have conversations by phone or face time that are longer than 15 minutes?

Me too! And I was genuinely really unbothered when he told me he made friends with her but it just seems like they’re spending all of their time together. And he’s never mentioned that he’s told her about me or anything. And I didn’t want it to seem like I didn’t trust him but I’ve asked for stuff like her name and whether she’s single but he always says that she’s just “a girl that lives nextdoor” and that he doesn’t really know her well, which is strange because he mentions that they are spending time together nearly every day. It’s just really confusing me.

I’ve never had any issues with trusting him before and up until this everything was going great. But we do video call and voice call for hours pretty much every night, but the fact that he keeps delaying me visiting him makes me really uncomfortable.

10 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Can you fill us in a little more?  eg your age, how long have you been involved?

Do you know his history?  ( Has he had any previous long term relationships?).

 

He moved for a few months.. How many?  Is he due back home soon?

I hope he made more friends than just this one 'female neighbour'.

And I hope you two do more than just 'messaging'.  Like actual 'voice calls'.

 

 

I’m 22 and he’s 23 and we’ve been together for around 8 months. And yes, he has had a long term relationship before, which he was in for around a year. He’s going to be away for just over three months. He hasn’t mentioned any other friends and it seems like they spend almost all day together.

And we do voice call almost everyday, and things were going really good with us until this. But the thing that’s really bothering me is how he keeps delaying me visiting him 😕

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How old is he? 

It may be best to set yourselves free from this because it's clear he has a thing for her and they are sort of almost dating.

You two seem to have deficient communication because in one breath you're saying all he talks about is her and in another you claim he won't tell you anything about her.

How is that possible? 

Yeah sorry for not specifying!

and he tells me stuff like “I’ve just been hanging out with my neighbour all day” and how she’s really nice and pretty but he won’t tell me her name, age or any actual details about her.

but you’re right, I should just talk to him straight about it.

Hi! Well my boyfriend moved away for a few months because of this education opportunity and in all of his messages he talks about how amazing his new neighbour is, and they are spending a lot of time alone together and going on trips and stuff. And other than compliments about her, he won’t  tell me anything about who she is. I don’t want him to think I don’t trust him, but I feel awful everytime he talks about how perfect she is. Am I too insecure? 😞