Bill Walkout

Wiseman not: you do not know what you are talking about. Writing and medical writing is my profession. My current work is part of a contracted series. Out of all the replies to not only my question but to questions of others to which you have replied, yours is usually the only one with an offensive tone. Others tend to reply in a helpful manner.

You are correct, it is about me, not her. That’s because it is my memory of a bad emotional event. One thing that is missing from this discussion is that it is not a current resentment toward my wife (although it possibly was when it occurred) per say, but instead, a resentment toward a memory. In other words, an event I wish had never happened. But it did and it left the memory of a bad feeling, of that time, associated with the event. Memories are stored in the brain’s limbic system and this system is void of time. As such, the trigger presents itself to me as of the time in which it occurred, not as a current event. One can accept a memory, but nearly impossible to totally wipe out. Also recall that the trigger was the writing of an autobiography. Each day until I finish this writing project, I have before me the time period of events of which I am writing (not the break up but just everything during this youthful time period). Once I finish this part of the book, I suspect the time period in question will no longer be so prominent in my thinking. And one additional comment, my recall of the feelings associated with this temporary break up have in no way adversely affected our relationship one bit. In fact, we have somewhat enjoyed talking about our youth and this youthful break up as obviously a large part of our discussion. One respondent in this thread suggest that I stop beating up my wife with the event. Nothing could be further from the truth. In reading through this thread I did catch one very important typo. Namely, we have been happily married not 40+ years, but instead, 50+ years: 53 to be exact. So I hope no one thinks that my unpleasant memory of a very hurtful time has negatively affected us, because it hasn’t. I am sure most all of us have in our memory things we wish had never happened. But they did. Perhaps “resentment “ is not the correct word. But instead a bad feeling we both, especially me, wish had never occurred.

Thanks for your input as it is greatly appreciated. Let me answer your questions. I have written a number of textbooks and currently all are up to date. So I decided to write an autobiography which required me to mentally visit the past. At the same time I was given a gift where old tapes and photos are placed on a thumb drive. During my attic search for those items I ran across the receipt for our engagement ring which also brought back this memory and accompanying old photos taken during this time. Thus I was hit from multiple directions regarding that emotional time in my early life. Yes, my wife and I have talked about this situation. We saw the break up very differently. She looked at it as taking a two week break (after 2weeks we were dating again but only one day weekly, prior we were together daily) while I viewed it as a 2 year break up as the engagement was called off for that period of time. Thus she could date others over that period of time being the only difference. It was her idea that we continue dating. Because we continued to date it was like a break up without totally breaking up. Being so young I think for many reasons (peer pressure, etc) the grass appeared greener on the other side to her. Obviously after 2 years I guess she found out differently. I guess it made me feel like a part time boyfriend or a boyfriend of convenience. She knew if things did not work out, I would be there for her to come back to. What I regret is that when she broke off the engagement, I should have just walked away instead of continuing to date as she wanted. I have a feeling that if I had walked away we would have gotten back together much sooner. I guess it hurt my ego that she was willing to possibly throw away this great relationship in order to test the waters. I say great relationship because when the engagement was broken we were having no problems at all. Today she thinks she probably broke it off to spend more time with friends, something that I do not believe. She could have accomplished that without the break up. The only difference in our relationship prior to, compared to after the break up, would be her ability to date others. I do understand that this is something she needed to do given our very young ages. All this happened so many years ago that the event is really not the factor, but the memory of those hurtful emotions is what bugs me. it is weird, I admit. In fact, when these feelings are triggered I view them as they were occurring(a young girl). When we talk about these feelings today as an elderly woman, I do not have that same feeling. It almost feels like I resent the behavior of her young self, but do not have those same intense emotions toward her older self. When we talk about all this, she seems unable to remember anything about this time. When I bring up hurtful events that occurred during this time, she does not recall 95% of them (her stated figure). May be it just boils down to me feeling used during this time along with my regret of how I handled the situation (not walking away). Then again I also was young, only 17.

I think I must feel this way because it hurt my ego and made me feel as if I was used as a boyfriend of convenience during that time. My regret is that I should have walked away when she broke up instead of continuing to date her. In fact, she wanted to continue to date as it was her idea. She wanted the best of both worlds. Namely to keep me but also date around. Had I simply walked away I think she would have come back much quicker. In truth it never affected us once totally reunited but it just bugs me that she did it this way, especially since at that time we were great together, but she simply needed to see and experience that the grass was not greener on the other side. Sure she was also getting some peer pressure to date around as that was the life of her friends. I also must remember that at the time she was only 16 and me a year older. So I understand the reasoning but find that it somewhat feels like a betrayal in some form. It is not the emotional event as it is over and had no affect on us. But it is the unpleasant “memory” of that event that troubles me.

My wife and I have now been happily married for over 40 years. We met in high school and were even engaged during high school. However, after being together for 2 years, she broke off the engagement to date around. We continued to date weekly during this time and did get together exclusively again after she graduated from high school and were married one year later. This so called break up was very hurtful to me and for some reason I have experienced a trigger that has brought this hurtful time back to mind. It gives me a feeling of resentment that this hurtful event ever occurred. In fact, the break up, was totally unexpected as we were getting along just great. Therefore it never made any sense to me why she had a need to date around. I know that our age, level of maturity, etc, all had an effect, but it still happened and I resent that time even though our relationship is great all these years. Just feel a sense of disappointment that she did that to me during those teenage years. Having difficulty getting that resentment of the events' memory out of my mind.