Yawrum

On 9/6/2022 at 6:38 PM, SherrySher said:

I don't blame you.

Remember this one rule and remember it well: Someone who loves you and respects you, will never lie to you or try to hide hide things from you.

You will save yourself a lot of heartache if you stay away from those who would do those things to you.

All you need is to see it one time.

Yeah, and I’ve even tried putting myself in her shoes in that situation, at the time the lie happened, there was tons of gossip going around from some of her “friends” that tried to make things up so that I would get mad at her about him visiting so I tried putting myself in her shoes and I guess I can see why she would have lied, but that definitely doesn’t mean that was the right thing for her to do.

I guess I was holding out hope in that I could possibly forget this since she didn’t technically physically cheat, and I’ve read so many stories online where someone’s partner actually physically cheated and they were able to forgive their partner and move on to a happy life together. I guess everyone’s boundaries are more open than others in that regard.

19 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

OP, when you find yourself in a situation where you are doing all kinds of fancy mental gymnastics trying to convince yourself that your partner is good and honest, but you still cannot shake off that icky sick feeling in your stomach..... Listen to your gut and walk away.

Healthy relationships do not ever involve this kind of drama.

She didn't lie to protect you, she lied to protect herself. Mainly because if you and this guy had met, it would have likely come out pretty fast that there is a lot more between them and that a lot of the bad things she has said about him were made up lies. Also, you likely would have discovered that she has said terrible things about you to him. Consider how willing he was to play along with her request. In his mind, it was her and him against you. Logically, she had to have made you out to be crazy long before this incident.

Beware of people who badmouth their ex's because they'll badmouth you too. It's a huge red flag. It's also a manipulative kind of behavior.

Bottom line is she is playing you and him both and loving the attention. 

This is where you need to set aside your emotions, think rationally, and realize that this entire situation is not normal, not OK and not something you should be participating in. In your shoes, I'd set her free yesterday.

Your first paragraph really is where I'm at. I keep trying to convince myself that everything is fine and honestly it totally could all be fine and that nothing happened at all between them besides just bad decision making on solving issues from their side. But just the exhaustion of always trying to convince myself just does not seem healthy and losing sleep over. 

I wasn't expecting this much response and so I'll provide an extra detail, her and I have taken a break from each other now for a few months and it was my decision since I told her I couldn't handle it anymore. It totally broke both of our hearts but we've still been in contact these few months and I can tell she still loves me, and the way I see it is that if she and her ex still had something, she could have easily gotten back together with him during this time apart but she isn't and won't she says. She is very remorseful for what she did, but at the same time, even till now I can't forget about it and don't know if I ever will.

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

 How old is she? If she is "religious" why is she having guys sleep over and telling you packs of lies? Sounds more like a wolf in sheep's clothing than someone you can trust as having decency and integrity.

We're both late 20s. This was a one time thing that her friend and her planned well before she met me. She has no family over here and so after they split, they still remained in contact since he was still helping her with things and she couldn't just cut it all off. She told me that in her head, she only thought of it as a friend coming over to visit since she doesn't view him as anything more, but once he came she knew she needed to tell me instead of hiding that. 

Just now, SherrySher said:

Who are you kidding? They used to have sex. They used to tell each other they love one another.

Those doesn't just magically disappear, especially since it's not been over that long and she's still having him sleep in the same room, and secretly texting him in order to lie to you.

Please pull the wool back off your eyes.

That's the thing, I know nowadays everyone assumes all has sex once in a relationship, but she and her ex friend never had sex when they dated. She was still a virgin when she met me and that was what I really valued about her aside from all this drama since we are both religious also.

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Is it really worth all this needless drama and stress to be with this person? 

I thought about this countless time as well and thought does every relationship go through this much drama? I know all relationships have issues to some extent, but since she is my real first serious relationship, I have nothing to compare to.

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes this is to protect herself.  

Yes sometimes it is ok to protect your partner or a loved one with a lie if it's not something you did wrong but something you witnessed that, if your partner knew would needlessly upset him or her - needlessly so that telling the truth on balance is a bad idea

.  I know of examples like this involving romantic partners, as well as knowledge of what a person who passed said or did that would needlessly upset the loved one who is grieving. 

I lied to my son when he was 4 when he asked a question about what happened during 9-11 after seeing the new tower going up in the distance.    Told him the truth when he was 7 and able to handle the truth.  Like that. 

Almost always it's not about something the person did wrong but knowledge the person has/something the person saw - where the person's partner or loved one if they knew would be needlessly upset and therefore the truth is not worth it or not worth it at that time.  

I don't see it as any different between romantic partners -it's all about the motive and there is no set in stone of "never lie/always tell the truth" -sometimes it depends and if it depends because the person is trying to protect herself that's not a good motive. It's not to protect "the relationship" because if she wanted to protect the relationship she wouldn't be playing with fire in the first place.  

 

This was what she told me, that at the moment, I was very heated about her friend after what happened, so it wasn't the right time to meet him. Once I am more calm in the future and understanding of the situation, she would have been fine with me meeting him. The reason I know that nothing happened that night was because for one, she called me to let me know he was there instead of hiding it. And second, she wanted to prove it was nothing so she left her phone camera facetime on the whole night while we slept (I know not the best way but we are long distance also). To be honest though it's been hard after this even though deep down inside, I know nothing happened between them physically and she's also my first serious relationship. 

6 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Did she have a reason to not trust you to keep things cordial with this guy? 

Well, a little after that night happened, some people close to her that also know me started saying false stuff about her and this whole drama started and they also brought up her ex friend, which I heard all of which she felt that me listening to all this gossip that I'd start questioning her friend if we did meet and she didn't want any arguments to happen anymore.

Hi everyone,

In your opinions and experiences, is it ever okay to lie to your partner if it means protecting them from getting angry etc.?

My girlfriend and I have been together for a year now but early on in our relationship, I found out that she was still friends with her ex that she dated prior. She reassured me that they were only friends and nothing more, and even back when they dated, it was never sexual or intimate. He also didn't treat her the best and this led me to not really like her talking to him still. 

With that said, early on he did come and visit her from a different state and she allowed him to stay in her room for the night but on separate beds since she has two. When he came she did call me and tell me he was there since she felt it was wrong if she didn't tell me. I respected this about her, and the next time we got the opportunity to be in her friend's state, I asked if I could also meet him and talk to him. In front of me she said that it would be fine to do so, but behind my back, she was texting him and telling him to not come out and just text back saying that he's busy so that I could see. So she basically lied to me so that I couldn't meet up with him and her reasoning behind these lies was because she knows that I didn't like him coming over to visit her and also hearing the stories of how he treated her back then, that I might get into an argument with him if we had met. She never cheated physically or anything like that and I know this for a fact based on other details not included here. Their relationship is strictly platonic.

What hurts me really isn't that he visited her anymore, but more so that she thought that lying to protect the relationship and protect me from getting into an argument with her friend was the right thing to do and this really hurt me even till now. 

In your opinions and experiences, is it ever okay to lie to your partner if it means protecting them? In this situation would you guys just forgive and just move on and make sure it doesn't happen again? I really don't know what to do as it keeps popping up in my head.