feral_racoon_gf

52 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes- but you just wrote he is not acting like an adult in this situation.  I understand your fatigue about this.  You think he overstepped the boundary -but he might not and if this is how he interacts with his friends this is sort of a package deal kind of like the cliche of "you marry the family"

We all forget ourselves at times. That's no reason to not show compassion and give someone a chance to step back into their own integrity.

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Well - no it matters who initiates the talk and you asked him to get you a specific present.  To me it's not pedantic at all and you are posting about nuances in communication and actions -which I responded to but am not dismissing as pedantic -of course.  

Hope it all works out for you -sorry you are stressed.

I did not ask for the hoodie. I pointed it out and he said he would get it. 

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also I'm not a fan of "games" but perhaps you can fawn all over some guy similar to what he's doing and see if he likes it?

Besides adhd no disorder that I know of. But his friend group is overtly goofy and playful which I think is the element they were going for but overstepped the boundary of acceptable conduct. I plan on bringing your last point up as a hypothetical when we discuss how this affects me and my feelings. Games are boring and I'm tired. We're adults and we can use our words. 

24 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Knowing of others I've encountered in somewhat similar situations, my best guess would be that early in their friendship, he expressed a desire to date her and she saw it only as platonic. In his mind, being friends was better than no longer being a part of her life.

There is a different dynamic when your SO's closest friend is of the opposite gender. I know I wouldn't date a guy who had a female bf, but some people are fine with it. 

In your shoes, I wouldn't even have a discussion. He will merely resent you for changing the dynamic and intensity of their friendship. I'd get out now to find a guy who doesn't have to change in a major way for you to be happy. If you think you'll magically feel like a priority with his friend out of the picture, or pushed onto the back burner, you will probably be surprised when that doesn't happen.

But have the discussion if you wish before throwing in the towel. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I had this thought. But since we've been good about communicating and I'm otherwise happy, I even like this girl I'm willing to at least discuss it before I pull the plug. I'm not asking him to stop being excited around her or even to stop doing anything other than not acting like her butler and doing things in public that seem like bf/gf stuff. If he can't handle that I don't want it. But if he can stop and think before he acts maybe it can work. 

7 minutes ago, Coily said:

How long have they been friends is my big question, and has he had serious relationships prior to you?

If he had been single for a long time and they had been friends for say 10 years; this may has started as filling an emotional gap in his life. While not romantic, it could have felt fulfilling to have attention from a female while single (at least he didn't go the only fans simp route). Over time it became a habit, that he doesn't see, and if you two have been dating under a year, he is unaware of how worrisome this is.

I think you need to have a very calm discussion with him about this, and why it bothers you, don't make it about Terrie, make it about you and Steve. Something along the lines of how you wish you were doted on by Steve like he does Terrie. If there is no recognition on his part of anything wrong, or no changes in behavior, then time to move swiftly on.

Also consider some positive reinforcements for Steve.

I love this answer! Thank you 

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But you didn't write that -you said you told him for weeks and discussed it the night before.  Now you say he kept asking you to remind him? If that is true then yes dump him.  Especially with technology now he simply could have put it in his phone.  I even have my mom's bday in my phone coming up -I actually already sent her gifts early, we've talked about it and I'm concerned day of I'll forget to wish her happy bday.  Because I care I have the extra reminder.

He needs you to remind him? More than once?  Buhbye

Ok, pedantic. He was told by me in passing a few times a week because we were discussing plans and scheduling. He knew well that it was my bday and I didn't harp on him about it. It just came up naturally... So he was told.

We talked about it the night before because he asked if I wanted to go out or make plans. We discussed put put. Those plans got cancelled later but he still forgot to tell me happy birthday all day and didn't get my anything. He didn't make the reservation for put put, I did.

Aside from that... you have a point. 

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think Terrie is the problem.  I think your boyfriend is behaving inconsistently with being in a committed relationship.  I had an issue with my now husband prioritizing his female friend who he never ever found attractive as far as when she said jump he'd ask how high basically -she's a strong, confrontational personality and I remember on one occasion I didn't feel well and wanted to leave our gathering at her home -I couldn't leave on my own -unsafe -she was drunk and clingy and he was placating her and delaying our leaving significantly -I finally left on my own to try to get a taxi at 2am and he finally then left.  That wasn't about his attraction to her just letting her strong personality take priority over being my boyfriend/committed to me.  So I get the frustration.

Maybe your boyfriend got frustrated/put off by your constant reminders about your birthday and asking for a specific gift.  Or at least strongly implying you wanted him to buy it for you -not saying he did it as a passive aggressive thing but maybe he kind of blocked it out because your constant reminders annoyed him as if you couldn't trust him to remember on his own.  Why did you choose to approach it that way -did you not trust him to remember?

I never asked for a gift or told him directly about my birthday. We were with my other friends and the subject came up. He even asked me to remind him a few times....

Terrie doesn't ask him for anything. He just does it automatically out of habit as a show of endearment I guess.

I [34f] would like to preface this issue by stating that my bf [31m] does a lot for me, shows public affection, never cancels on me, and treats me all the time. I generally feel prioritized and secure. There is only an issue when the three of us get together or the entire friend group is around.

The more I think about my boyfriend (we'll call him Steve) and his best friend (we'll call her Terrie) the more triggered I feel. Not because I think there is anything romantic between them or that he doesn’t want me, but because I feel like the whole truth wasn’t spoken to me and that he might not be completely emotionally available.

During the Halloween party we met at, Steve was constantly seeking “his bestie,” Terrie. They were jokey and goofy. It didn't seem inappropriate to me. But when he wasn't trying to flirt with me he was seeking her out. This was despite the fact that all of his other close friends were there. This didn't really bother me but I did notice they were close.

When I asked him what his favorite rom-com was he said, “When Harry Met Sally.” Naturally asked if he thought men and women could be just friends if the guy found the woman attractive. He said, “No!” He only took that back after I confronted him because Terrie spilled the beans about them being besties and spending all their time together before her husband showed up on the scene. I suppose that's when they curbed their hangouts.

Terrie said he was her best friend for years and they would go shopping together all the time, just him and her. Sometimes with another female friend of theirs. This information dropped when we were out celebrating her new job with their friend group.

This same night he went over to her, bent a knee, held her hand, and gushed over how she was a beautiful queen and she deserves the world, yadda yadda. I thought to myself, "How precious that he has a cherished friend that he elevates! Surely this is a good sign that he respects and values women." It was only slightly awkward for me, the new gf.

Then, at a dinner party with his friend group, he completely ignored me and served her like a butler. He served her first and even when she didn't ask for a drink. He kept checking on her and asking if she needed something else; running to grab her a beer. Then when I got frustrated and told him I needed another beer, he said, "Wow, you drank that so fast I didn't notice!" The optics alone are unnerving. I do have a problem with it. It bothered me enough to tell my best friend about it and it still made me mad when I told her. I get a pit in my stomach every time I think about it.

I don’t have a problem with Terrie at all. She has done everything in her power to include me, bond with me, and assure me. In fact, I find myself wanting to be closer to her. I was hoping we'd be friends from the moment I met her and I enjoy her company. She clearly never wanted him romantically or sexually. She does obviously enjoy the attention he gives her, but I think she respects me enough to be wary of how their dynamic might come across to a romantic partner of his.

I can't help but wonder if her efforts to pull me in are an attempt to get him to treat me the way he should and prioritize me. She's married and has been for a while. But if he was reluctant to settle for friendship with her and never dealt with that, I don't deserve the half-assed emotional commitment.

Steve just… maybe isn’t admitting to himself the nature of his own feelings. Even if he does feel strongly for me, that doesn’t mean his feelings for Terrie or his actions are appropriate. He definitely did not prioritize me at that moment. I don't think he's done the emotional work of getting over her and setting healthy boundaries in their friendship.

I don't know how to have a conversation with him about this. I don't know where to start. Boundaries need to be established and he needs to know how this behavior affects me. But I don't know what to say to him.

Oh, and to top it off, he forgot my birthday and didn't get me anything. I told him for weeks and we even discussed it the night before. We were out shopping once and I pointed out a cool hoodie. He said he was gonna come back and get it for my birthday. My birthday rolled around and he didn't even tell me happy birthday all day. He only remembered because my best friend made a post on social about it. He apologized and asked what I wanted to do but didn't make an effort to get me anything or offer any suggestions really, other than asking me what I want to do.

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't believe that for a moment. He couldn't commit, yet bought a plane ticket? Nah. He bought one for himself but not for you.

No, i completely agree. Proof positive i dodged a HUGE bullet.

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened, but it's best to cut your losses early on.

Way too many red flags. What, exactly, did you call him out on? Drinking, lying, standing you up, barhopping? There's just so much to choose from.

I told him he wasn’t emotionally available and used examples. He said he liked me but couldn’t commit. Basically everything he said until this point was a lie. Very manipulative. He still insisted he bought the ticket. I really did dodge a bullet.

Update. I called him out and we broke up

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

He sounds like he's quickly losing interest, I am sorry to say. 

Plane tickets do indeed have the passenger's name printed on them. If it was a ticket in your name, you would clearly see that. 

Departure time is also printed on plane tickets. What exactly did you see in this photo? 

Flight number, take off, landing, flight duration and a confirmation number. The rest is cut off. looks like an email he screen shot.

36 minutes ago, Andrina said:

A wall of text about numerous complaints about the guy, and now this backpedaling. Seems odd.

I agreed to this trip before he got distant. Him following through is a good thing...  It feels like I'm being attacked for wanting him to follow through.

That doesn't mean the bigger picture doesn't raise issues in context.

29 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I get the feeling YOU are not happy with this guy.

You have only been involved a little over 2 mos - why are you wanting to attend some trip with him already?

As for how much you see/hear from him, I feel it's tolerable enough to see your 'boyfriend' a cpl times a week.  As for your communication, is it more-less regular? ( eg a few times a week?  Do you two actually talk or is it all texting? ).

Communication is necessary, yes, so you can make your plans. 

And as mentioned, if he's always drinking, he's an alcy.  They are no good for you 😕 . I have an ex like that....

Think hard on the whole situation.  Is this how you want it?

Why wouldn't I attend a trip with a guy I'm interested in? Seems odd.

We were seeing each other at least once a week. I was fine with that. I'm upset that we stopped seeing each other because he stopped trying to make plans. But he's been sick for a week on top of it. So we're going on two weeks without seeing each other...

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why wouldn't he just show you/give you the ticket in person? What do you mean by "hammered out details"? Does he expect you to pay for your airfare or half the hotel stay? Does he have an itinerary?

He's sick and afraid he's contagious. He send a pic of one ticket but it didn't have all of the info on it. I would expect plane tickets to have names. I've never flown before.

He went over when we take off, where we are staying, and when we get back. He said he would pay for my ticket if I covered food.

40 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Him pulling away is a good sign he wants out. I wouldnt count on somebody like that to stick around, sorry.

I don't doubt that. Him buying a plane ticket and rsvp'ing me to his friends wedding in Aug has me confused though.

47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is he?

He's 29

I've been dating this guy for two and a half months. We've made it official and had the boyfriend girlfriend talk. I've noticed that he has suddenly stopped talking about wanting me, or anything sexual and he's stopped telling me he wants to see me. He used to say he wanted to see me all of the time. Even if he wasn't being entirely serious, it was a cute way to flirt and show interest.

We saw each other once or twice a week for the most part. There was one week where he hinted at us getting together but never asked. I finally told him I was trying to finalize my weekend plans and asked if we were going to hang out. He told me he had half a plan to see me. I felt disrespected by that but I just told him I would hang out with my friend instead. He was supportive of that decision. I told him later that I felt disrespected by this "half plan".

Then about two weeks ago we went out with my friends and he and I were intimate that night and morning, Thursday and Friday. Then he left for a trip to see his friends a few hours away. He came back Sunday severely hung over as expected... but he really didn't seem to want to see me. I made a quick exit. There was a half hearted hug that I attributed to the hangover. So I gave him space.

He knew I was off Monday and he didn't have work the next two weeks. He didn't try to make plans with me and he didn't buy plane tickets for an upcoming wedding he said he would buy before his trip and send me details. Wednesday came around and I told him I was worried he didn't really want me to go. He said he forgot.

He lives in walking distance from a bunch of bars and he went out Mon and Tue. Told me met some cool people. Wed he got excited to hear that I was at his fave bar and said he was sorry he couldn't make it because he was streaming. Odd because I didn't invite him lol. Four days, and he didn't try to make plans to see me. Then Thursday he got sick. 

Then Monday rolled around and he finally bought the plane tickets and sent me a pic of one ticket without a name on it. He hammered out details with me. 

He's still feeling sick but much better; worried he's contagious. But he has only talked about how he really wants to go out again. He hasn't said he misses me, he hasn't said he wants to see me, no plans, no sweet talk. It's been two weeks. I told him it made me feel like he's losing interest but I wasn't sure if it was my anxiety. He asked if he was doing something wrong. I said no but told him his sudden lack of affection concerned me. 

I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that something isn't right and I don't know if I'm overreacting. Am I just traumatized and hypervigilant or is this something I should be concerned about?