Hey, so I (25F) have been with my bf (29M) for 5 years, and generally speaking we have a good relationship, we get on well with one another, we hold similar values, beliefs and dreams; but we have really bad arguments on a regular basis.
These arguments happen almost daily and it's tearing me apart, I love him so I don't want to throw it all away on a whim, but I am concerned about the severity of the arguments, and how this could continue into our future, especially if we were to have kids.
Some of the behaviours I'm particularly concerned about are as follows:
When we’re having an argument, it often gets so heated that I need to ask for space - confrontation makes me feel really panicky, upset and stressed (because I was abused as a kid) and I often start crying which he belittles, calling me pathetic and attention seeking
He doesn’t listen when I say I need space and follows me around, continuing to berate me, he physically blocks me from leaving rooms/ the house, or he spams me with messages. Sometimes he’ll follow me, or track my location to come and find me
Once when I locked myself in the bathroom to get away, he was pounding his fists on the door so hard to get in that it left bloody marks
When I’ve repeatedly said I need space but he’s continuing to follow me and shout at me, I sometimes put headphones on to try to calm myself down, but he often rips them off my head and throws them. The last time he did this they broke
When we’re arguing he quickly escalates to extreme anger, shouting, slamming doors, taking off his clothes, hitting himself, punching and breaking things around our house
He sometimes threatens self-harm, and once was punching himself in the face so hard that he gave himself a black eye
He has threatened to jump off our balcony, he stormed over to it and got his leg over the rail
In our most recent argument, he said he’d slash his wrists, and was throwing things around the room, he snapped the kitchen drawer in two from slamming it around while looking for a knife to cut himself with.
He gives ultimatums about leaving me, and says I don't love him enough
He diminishes my emotions constantly by saying I’m being dramatic, or that I’m making it all about myself, or that it’s not a big deal
He has squared up to me in the past and shoved me, but he’s never hit or slapped me
During arguments he sometimes holds things, like my phone, above his head so I can’t get to them
He accuses me of doing things behind his back that are absolutely untrue and that I’ve never given him any reason to believe for example: cheating on him while I’m having space during an argument
He blames his behaviour on me, saying that he’s not an angry person, he was never an angry person before me, and that I egg him on
He also blames his anger on withdrawing from smoking weed, however the arguments persist while he's not withdrawing
He apologises afterwards and says he regrets it and that he loves me - but gets angry again when I want to have a conversation about what’s happened and don’t immediately accept the apology and move on
Generally he’s really critical of me, telling me that I start too many sentences with the word "I", and that it comes across as self obsessed and vain
He says I’m being ‘cold/ clinical/ unloving’ when I don't shout back at him/ get visibly upset, when really what I'm trying to do is control my emotions so he doesn't call me overly emotional/ dramatic, I feel like I can't win
We've previously received complaints from neighbours about the noise levels of our arguments.
I would like to know what you all think.
Is this normal? We're trying to get into couples therapy, but it will take a while for us to actually attend an appointment
Is this abuse? I'm in contact with domestic abuse agencies to get the facts on this, but this will also take a while
Should I rip off the bandage and break up with him before we're too far along the line to change things?
