Guyonajourney

Hi all

So I’ve been dating this girl (Girl A) for a couple of months and then met someone (girl B) else recently purely by chance and we hit it off pretty quickly. 
 

I purposely pulled back slightly on (girl A) but still spoke most days etc. I seen her before I went on holiday with my friends 2 weeks ago and then a little more distance was created whilst I was away as I wasn’t on my phone much. 
 

Been back a few weeks now and things with (Girl B) have just been getting better and better so I made the decision to tell Girl A that it was no longer something I wanted to pursue.

The problem is, she is so unbelievably nice and I feel horrendously guilty. Shes been an amazing person to get to know and connect with, its just another person has been better for me. I’ve never actually been in a situation before where I’ve cut something off after a few months , its normally the other way around and hell it’s eating me up! I just don’t want to hurt her and feel like I have and I do care about her. She is honestly one of the most genuine, down to earth, kind person I have ever met. 
 

I was respectful and amicable about it and told her how great she is and that this was all on me. She said she kind of had a feeling it was coming to an end anyway but it doesn’t make me feel any better about it. 
 

any tips? 

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Seeing you active on dating apps after intimacy may have been a turnoff for her. That's ok. Ghosting in itself a response that they're no longer interested.

Next time at least hide your dating app profile if you're going to get intimate. Don't use the "not exclusive, so keeping options open" loophole because as you can see it backfired.

Even though you've configured this in your mind as ok, a lot of women may be put off by a guy still prowling dating apps while having sex with them.

Yeah makes sense. I did pause my profile for a while actually, but I guess as soon as someone she knows sees me then the word gets back to her 😅
 

I can understand if thats why she was put off, although if she had actually just asked me that, then I could have told her that I’ve not met anyone else or slept with anyone else. Immature reaction and lack of communication from her. 
 

Will be more careful in future. 

12 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

I think she must have had mixed feelings/wasn't sure about you and perhaps felt pressured into accepting the date. And perhaps she got intimate with you before she was ready and is having regrets. 

There is a lot of mention of texting so perhaps you were overcrowding her and she was feeling a bit smothered. 

I doubt it is seeing you on the apps. In my experience in this situation a woman would be more likely to get upset/angry and confront you rather than ghosting you. 

If casual dating is your thing then you need to be prepared for this sort of thing to happen i.e. for women to go cold/distant with ghosting being the extreme example of this. But perhaps it is related somewhat to your style i.e. too much texting/inviting them back to yours getting physical too quickly. 

 

To be honest our texting was neither here or there. Maybe 6-7 texts a day. More talkative in the evenings. So I don’t feel like overcrowding would have been the reason. But maybe she regretted getting intimate quickly and expected more from me quicker. 

Hadn’t seen each other for 8 or 9 days either. Had said for her to come for dinner last week and she said “I would love to but I have tonsillitis so depends if you’re okay with potentially getting that😂💋” thats when I suggested Sunday instead to which she agreed. 
 

But you are definitely right, I expect to come across this when I’m casually dating. 
 

Her reasoning is actually irrelevant to me at this stage, she ghosted, so I move on. 

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think you handled it quite well. You tried to communicate and she "ghosted" you. Which is a reflection on her poor communication skills. Not on you who did try to communicate. If she wanted she could have explained if she is mad at you. But she just chosed to ghost you without any indication why. So there was nothing else to do but wish her the best and move on.

As to why it really doesnt matter. Maybe it doesnt even have anything to do with you as she maybe just met somebody else also and didnt want to explain anything to you. Which is again reflection on her poor communication.

Thanks - I thought so too. It takes 2 seconds to send a text rather than ghosting and I was actually concerned about her.
 

Clearly her intentions are as I had thought and she doesn’t have the backbone to tell me shes no longer interested. No problem at all. We move on. 

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately still too much too soon. Keep in mind you're both still talking to and meeting others. 

After your "wish you well" dumping text, she naturally blocked you.

Try to slow down. Pace yourself. 

If women perceive you as the casual pump and dump type of guy,  still on dating apps, sending preemptive 'good luck' texts etc., they'll move on.

Try not to overcompensate again with the playing it too cool game. That's how the last situation went sideways. Try to be more confident and less defensive.

I get your points but if someone completely ignores me for 48hours and doesn’t have the common courtesy to drop a text when we had plans to meet up then I don’t want to associate with them so when I wished her well, and I meant that. 
 

If I was a “pump and dump” guy I could’ve cut contact long before now as we were intimate after our 2nd date. 
 

I thought I handled it well, I had asked her if she was okay out of genuine concern and got completely aired so my last text was just honesty from my part. Her lack of contact clearly stated her intentions of no longer being interested and I'm walking away from the situation. 

3 minutes ago, poorlittlefish said:

Maybe she assumed that, as the two of you had become intimate, you were exclusive.  I wouldn't want to be having sex with someone who was still looking to have sex with others.  She should have been up front with you about it if she found out you were seeing other women, but she probably feels bad too.

Thats true, I haven’t slept with anyone else or actually met anyone whilst I’ve known her but I know what you mean. I have spoken to others though. I just don’t think you should focus on dating one person until you are certain about them, we had only dated for a couple weeks. 
 

Yeah she could’ve just asked me and I would've been honest with her about it. 

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, kindly, it might be time to take a break from dating. 

You seem to go from whirlwind to whirlwind, and your recent thread about the other woman indicates that you're not making great choices in your love life. 

I don't disagree with what you're saying about people not being mature enough to say something instead of just disappearing. But it seems you are more vulnerable these days because the previous woman very recently hurt you. Take a breather. Don't go from woman to woman trying to heal your pain. Deal with those feelings, and then get back into dating. 

Don't rely on the company of a new woman to soothe the hurt from the last one. Don't scramble to line up another one right away. Sit with yourself for a while first. 

Maybe I should, but I do enjoy dating and meeting new people. 

But perhaps you are right about taking a breather. I didn’t really think of it as soothing the hurt from the last one but maybe I am just trying to distract myself.

The date on Saturday was already lined up before this happened anyway 

Started dating again after being in a weird situationship for a while (many of you would have seen). Met this girl and had a few good dates, she also has been over at my house for dinner a couple times (and yes, got intimate). 
 

Honestly all going well. I was texting her through the week, we agreed sunday meet up, texting again on Saturday night around 10:30pm said I’d see her Sunday both in agreement. Sunday morning I text her, no reply. Strange. Text her later afternoon no reply, slightly concerned about her wellbeing as she was really ill the week before, but then I noticed her active on instagram so I text her on Monday saying - “hey, not entirely sure whats happened here but I am going to take your lack of contact as you are no longer interested, hope everything is okay with you. Wish you the best.” She ignored that too so I proceeded to unfollow her on social media. (I’m now blocked by her so she must have noticed or something.)

So why did she randomly ghost me like this, I have 2 potential reasons but unsure. 

1. I was still on the dating apps (rightly so?) we weren’t exclusive at all and I was keeping options open. I noticed one of her friends on it - has she maybe reported back to her?

2. On the Saturday night I was out and got talking to a girl in quite a popular bar, maybe someones seen and reported back. 
 

3. On the back on 1&2 she maybe felt she was into me more than I was her at this stage.

Honestly, I’m not that bothered overall, bit of time & money wasted but I’m quite proud of myself for just cutting it off rather than chasing her and trying to resolve it.

If you aren't mature enough to have open communication then you are not for me. If she’s trying to gain my attention shes going about it the wrong way. I personally believe this reveals a character flaw. A way to avoid uncomfortable situations and interactions. Maybe she has experienced some kind of trauma in her life which has made her think that type of behaviour is appropriate. 

Im sure she had her reasons. But imo a bullet dodged for me. Luckily it happened now rather than later. 

I’ve got a new date lined up on Saturday anyway. The exact reason why I didn’t hyper-focus on her (learning from previous experiences). 
 

This dating game is a wild ride! Especially after long term relationships my whole life.

16 hours ago, Jibralta said:

You wanted something serious and you settled for something less than that. You thought that she would settle, too. But she didn't. She gave you fair warning. Liberally. And she took you at face value when you indicated that you were ok with FWB. In that way, think she actually showed you more respect than you showed her. 

Fake and dishonest about what? Why be upset that she's on a dating site? She never said she was looking to be single. She said she wasn't looking for anything serious. You kept giving her serious. The girl is allowed to look for what she wants. 

I appreciate your breakdown and you are correct. I shouldn't have accepted FWB, I had it in my head that it could change but that was because she was breadcrumbing me. Kept saying things like “maybe we can date again one day when im in the right head space” etc.

Your last point - she actually did say she didn’t want to date anyone and just be “alone” and single. Her exact words were - “this isn't a reflection on you or how I feel about you, I just want to be alone. Ive been in long relationships for most of my life and I want to enjoy some of my 20s just focusing on me. Not going on dates, not having to think of another person”. 
 

To say that, then end up on a dating site with it saying “the best way to ask me out is by naming a time and place”. Just proves to me that she was lying and keeping me on the side for her own validation when she knows I would’ve happily dated her, but hey ho, my own fault for choosing to stick around as a FWB. 

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems like this is were it went sideways. It's true when dating doesn't work out and things downshift to these nebulous arrangements that the potential for things ending badly increases. 

You both had some fun but ultimately we're happy with or suited for each other. 

Now you're both free to pursue something else. Perhaps next time, if someone keeps saying they need space, etc.,  just make a clean break rather than suggest a confusing situationship.

Yep lesson learned. 
 

As soon as someone says they want space or nothing serious etc im cutting it off. 3 months of wasted time and feelings hurt for nothing

10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

These have been versions of my truth. I've said, "You've done nothing wrong, it's just bad timing..." it means "I can't identify anything 'wrong' with you, this is just not working for ME."

AND "I don't want to have to think about (appeasing YOU) or anyone else right now..."

No lie, I don't want to be accountable to you. I'd prefer to find someone who I don't feel a need to appease. 

Most people are NOT our match. Whatever version of that message you are given, it means the same thing. WE are not a match, and it does NOT mean that you need to change.

The right person for you will view you through the right lens. This is not your person. No lie.

 

I guess so. Its just the wording of it. 
 

She straight up told me she WOULD date me if she was in the right headspace and point in her life. That was obviously just a lie. 

12 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think you are way too much overthinking this. She doesnt care about you. Otherwise she wouldnt keep you there knowing that you wanted something more then just sex. She did that for herself, not you. Hence why any action, including her excuses(she served you classic "Its not you its me" break up excuse) is because of her, not you.

 Again, what put her off is maybe something next one would appreciate. 

Yes you are right. I’m realising I’m quite bad for overthinking - potentially linked to my ADHD/OCD also easily become focussed on one person (not a bad thing for someone who ACTUALLY wants to be with me though I guess.) 

12 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Telling you what "put her off" wouldn't be helpful for several reasons. One, because what she doesn't find appealing might be super appealing to a different woman.  

So, in summary, she's not the right one for you.  Don't allow yourself to be demoted in the hopes it'll make the woman change her mind.  Your value is higher than that.

Very good points. I guess its just frustrating because I feel like I treated her really well and don’t see what went wrong. But thats just my overly analytical brain coming into play.

always over thinking!

23 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I can only speculate. But sometimes people have a hard time taking "no" for an answer. There are even active threads on this very forum where  young men say they "know" they can get a woman to want to date them even after she clearly said "no, thanks". Their logic is "well, she liked me before so I'm sure I can 'get'  her to like me again." And I personally had a couple of experiences where I clearly and politely as possible told someone I wasn't interested in dating them and they kept persisting. There's even a school of thought that women are attracted to "persistent " men because it shows strength and determination and shows the woman she's really something special. 

Again, I can't say that's why she chose to be less than straight with you. Her demoting you to FWB was her way of keeping her options open, I guess. But at least now you know to move on and search for the right woman for you.  This one wasn't. And you know accepting FWB when you want more doesn't work for you. 

Also can be unattractive to over pursue as well. Honestly I don’t know, all I do know is that I treated her way too good for FWB and even when we were dating. Literally spoiled and treated like a queen. How naive of me. 
 

I literally said to her you just dont see a future with me and want to date others lets quit all this  “not ready, want to be alone” crap and I got “no i promise its not that, you’re perfect its just where I am in my life just now”. Like why lie to me, purely to make yourself feel better. 
 

Ah people really confuse me! I wish she told me what put her off so I could take note for any future dates! 

So I removed her in the end as she randomly decided to unfollow me. 
 

The main reason I’m back here with an update….. guess who popped up on a dating app😂 ah I knew it all along, the usual “I just want to be alone, its not you, you’ve done nothing wrong, its just bad timing” “I dont want to date anyone or have to think about anyone else just now”, obviously all total bullsh*t to avoid hurting my feelings.
 

Few weeks later back on dating app. 

Why are people so fake and dishonest? I’d rather you just told me straight because that just pisses me off even more! 

Thanks @Batya33. Ive muted her for now and will probably unfollow her soon, I just dont want to come across bitter as I don’t have any bad feelings towards her even though I’m a little hurt. 
 

When I look back I definitely did/do have feelings. I did so many small gestures which weren’t reciprocated (not that I give to receive but the principle) and those gestures were way too much for what was meant to be casual. And you are right, I thought I could just hook up and hang out and not care but its clearly not in my nature and the more I seen her the more I felt strongly for her. 

55 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I'm really sorry it turned out this way. But I could see it coming a mile a way.

I wonder why you had such a difficult time taking her at face value? She was completely above board and up front with you.

You were right, as many others were. 
 

I guess at the beginning I was firmly in the same boat of casual and just going with the flow but over time my feelings definitely changed. Perhaps I thought hers would too and that's why I held onto this silly idea of FWB with the hope that the more time we spent together then the dynamic may have shifted. Very naive of me! 
 

I definitely didn’t help with how affectionate she was with me and how we acted when we seen each other, it felt A LOT more than FWB in those moments. 
 

I appreciate all the advice over the last few weeks. Time to dust myself off and take a breather. 

33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Sorry you're disappointed. In a way, it's a relief to have closure and be out of this confusing limbo. It's better to cut your losses sooner rather than later.

Now you're both free to pursue the kinds of people and relationships that suit you better.

Its true, this back and forth, hot and cold is actually really toxic. It’s totally messed with my head. When we were together it would feel amazing like we were in a relationship basically, she’d be all over me and vice versa but then days would pass of little to no communication and I’d start to overthink and wonder about my true feelings for her. 
 

A whirlwind of emotions that I cannot mentally cope with in all honesty! 

34 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, I think in some ways you needed it to end like this. 

That’s not to say you deserve it, but rather that you weren’t otherwise going to see that this was a total dead-end that was never going to develop. Hopefully now you block her everywhere and keep it that way. 

You’ll be ok, but you need to sit with the lessons learned here and not repeat the same mistakes in the future.

Yep I’d agree. Naivety at best and lying to myself about my feelings for her just so I could continue to see her with this fake facade that it was just FWB when in reality I wanted more. 
 

She even said to me “You’d make an amazing boyfriend and I know deep down you’d rather be going out for dinners, nights away and doing activities and its not fair if we keep this going as I’m stopping you from doing that and someone is out there who would want that and reciprocate it, just for me right now, I’m not in the headspace”. 
 

It is what it is. She did ask me if I’d be unfollowing her on social media etc. she said she still wants to see what I’m doing with my life as its not bitter. I’m on the fence, it’s kinda hard for me to see her on socials as its a reminder but also we haven’t fallen out and there isn’t bad blood as such so I feel like blocking comes across petty and bitter. Perhaps I’ll just mute her profile? 
 

anyway, thanks for all the advice over the last few months. The next person I date, if they tell me from the beginning like she did that they don't want anything serious then thats my queue to leave. 

Well the update you’ve all been expecting.

Its done. Dead in the water. 

Seen each other last week all was good but over the weekend noticed her being quiet on me again. Can tell when shes about to pull this on me as its the 3rd time now. 
 

Asked her if she wanted to come over for dinner this week and I got - “Im so sorry I wish I could give you the time you deserve, I think it’s obvious that if we carry this on someone will get hurt.” She then phoned me and we spoke for an hour, she then asked me round to hers. Went over and she was visibly upset. Had news about her mother who may have cancer and just has a lot on her plate. I comforted her and said no hard feelings and that it’s probably best we left things. I then left. 
 

Text her when I got back to tell her I’d be here for her if she ever needed me as I’ve been through what shes going through with her mum before. But also made it clear that I do like her but if she’s unavailable then I wont pursue her. Probably lied to myself through majority of this and realised now that I really did like her and have feelings for her and in the back of my mind had always thought it may develop into something.

she replied with this - “That’s honestly the nicest message and I have a lot of respect for you opening up about how you feel. As much as I’m feeling guilty right now, this is why I think it’s probably a good idea that it came to end because feelings are only going to get deeper and someone might end up hurt. I honestly think you are such an amazing guy and I have literally never been treated so well, you make me feel like a Queen every single day, its sooo nice. How I feel at the moment has no reflection on you, or previous relationships really. I just know what I want from life and at this moment and time it’s to be by myself and work on me, I haven’t really had the chance in my entire 20’s to do that. Maybe it’s my fault for keeping it going longer than I should have and I genuinely mean it when I say I hope there’s no bad blood, it’s the last thing I would want!! Don’t be a stranger xx” 

Its ghost mode from me now. This has happened 3 times and been going on since November last year, its just stupid at this point. I care about her and she means a lot but its not worth the heartache. That message she sent also is just full of sh* t in my opinion, if I treat you so well etc etc you’d find a way to make it work. Its the usual way of letting someone down lightly, yeah she may want to be single and live for her fair enough but I wouldn’t be surprised if shes dating someone else in a month or so. 

Realistically, I pedestaled this girl way too much, did far too much for her especially for a “casual” hook up buddies when I think about it. Its hard when you’re naturally a kind hearted person and been brought up to treat women well, I don’t really think deeply into the small gestures I do at the time but its only when you step back you realise it was definitely too much. 

This one kinda hurts I wont lie but it was my own doing, I should have cut it off the first time this happened and listened to everyones advice here.

Ah well…. Lesson learned. 
 

thanks all, 

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

How would you feel if you found out she was sleeping with someone else? And don't say "Oh, she wouldn't have time, she's busy, she said she isn't interested in having sex with anyone else", whatever. I'm just curious how you would feel if you found out she had another alleged "FWB" in addition to you. 

Well we did agree to tell each other if we did. 
 

Right now, I’d probably be a little pissed but not really in a position to be as we aren’t exclusive. 

17 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

This is starting to sound like something out of a romcom that I would never voluntarily watch.

Hahaha - those end up being the best ones though😂

Another weekend spent with her.

Had dinner at my place arranged for Friday, she had been travelling all day and tried to re-arrange but I was busy. She ended up getting home dropping her stuff and driving 30mins to my place. Dinner, sex (honestly the best we’ve had to date) and stayed over. Breakfast in the morning, cuddles, wouldn’t leave😂 Had a few funny chats with her in the evening and morning,  was jokingly telling her that Shes definitely caught feelings for me and is in love but hiding it and she was laughing and giggling but denying it and saying “no thats definitely you” She also said when I made her dinner - “why do you do this for me like you’re just so amazing to me and I don’t know why, I don’t even deserve it” I said, “I like to treat women well”. 

Arranged to meet again on Sunday, actually went out and did some shopping (first time in like a month we’ve went out and done something). Watched a movie and cuddled, cooked me lunch and we didn't even have sex that day (first time ever) but we were actually just enjoying each others company and time flew. 

She said shes busy most of this week but will text me when free. Haven’t got anything for valentines day even though she made multiple jokes (or not jokes who knows) about flowers and gifts.
 

Taking it day by day. Theres no doubt I think shes an awesome girl, and I will admit that I like her and feel good around her and maybe the more I see her the more I realise I do want more but I’m just taking it slow and not putting pressures on it.
 

If it goes South, well I was warned. 

21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Well, that's not what I was referring to. 

I meant, if she told you she met someone and will be dating that man and therefore won't be seeing you anymore would you feel hurt or sad? Or would it just be a kick to your ego?

Honestly don’t know. Maybe slightly downtrodden as i see potential with us but i got over a 4 year relationship so I tend to tell myself not much could hurt more. 

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Look at everything she's getting just for saying a few cute words and doing something she'd be doing for herself anyway (cooking). And sorry, but if you don't think she can't clearly see how into her you are, well, you're wrong about that. 

It's fun to have a fan. It's fun to be able to play at a relationship with none of the responsibilities. And if she does meet someone else and ends this pseudo relationship setup you have no right to get upset. After all, she told you that you two are not dating!

Win-win for her all the way around. Maybe not so much for you. 

If she did tell you she met someone else and won't be seeing you anymore, would that hurt? Honestly? 

Well funny you say that. We both agreed to tell each other if we sleep with anyone else for sexual health purposes. I said yes to that and she said “I will too but doesnt matter as I dont plan on it, are you going to sleep with anyone?” I was like I dont plan on either. 
 

i was honest and said “to be honest you did, I’d just end this arrangement and cut contact as I’m not about that.” She said - “don’t be mean, it’s not going to happen”