gingerthumbs

Maybe irrelevant but we had more of an indepth conversation about exclusivity. She seemed willing to have it, willing to engage and said I was very hard to gauge.

She also added that she doesnt want to sleep with anyone else and that she thought I did.

Still, doesnt cease my worry for what may be (or may not be) to come.

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

To me sexual monogamy isn’t the same as exclusivity. And her response tells me she’s not interested in the latter situation otherwise she’d want you to know she was into you and not looking to date anyone else.  She certainly can pursue other men and then not have sex until she breaks things off with you. 

Which response?

10 hours ago, waffle said:

You're concerned she's going to **** this other guy so you're bringing up this exclusivity talk to hopefully persuade her not to.  Talk, by definition, is just words so you can talk all you want but if she's going to do this other guy (again) she's going to do him regardless of how much you hope she'll be exclusive to you because that's what you want.  

No. I mean fair play for assuming that (kinda) but me wanting to have a chat about what are we is not solely driven by her liaising with a past fling.

I have to admit, the whole you shouldnt have to have that conversation after 3/4 months because you should both just.. know is a steaming pile of excrement, I am sorry.

That isn't the standard for every couple. I know I myself need a clear, sobre (this is my responsibility) discussion about are we labeling this? What are we? Do you wanna see anyone else? 

If you risk not having that conversation purely because you feel like leaving it up to chance and good faith, youre putting yourself and the other person at risk of being hurt.

Also waffle, manipulating her behaviour? Huh, how so

1 hour ago, greendots said:

How does she introduce you as? Boyfriend / partner or friend?

I havent actually heard her introduce me while I've been there. And what she introduces me as when I'm not there I have no idea because I'm not there. Unless I ask a friend / her boss 'What does she say about me' I have zero idea. She's ultra reserved, ultra submissive in all ways and ultra hard to gauge.

2 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

I would just address the elephant in the room.  Consider using a clearer choice of words rather than glossing over it the way you two have.

Just put it out there in a casual tone.  "Hey, I know in that moment we agreed that we didn't want to have sex with anyone else. I am also aware that you will be around your friend for the next couple of weeks.  If you are still interested in seeing other people, that is certainly your prerogative, and I would understand if you needed to do what feels right for you.  It's just something I'd want to know and wanted to clarify if we were on the same page just so things don't get messy."

Have this conversation from a place of strength and not from insecurity.  Believe you deserve to know where you stand at this point.  If she's crazy about you, she'll leap at the opportunity to clarify this.  If not, she's either not sure or she's willing to risk losing you.

I'm gonna approach this conversation this weekend. I'll try and obviously do it face to face and slide it in, in a more laid back fun setting to make it not seem so heavy and serious.

If She dodges, bats it back to me etc. I'm done and I'll let her know I'm dating site active again

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How is this "subtle" or not "clear"? You just don't want her to be with this guy, get drunk and possibly hop in bed. Identify the problem correctly. 

Because as I've stated, it wasn't framed exactly as it sounds.

She asked me 'do you wanna *** anyone else?'

I said no

She said 'yeah me too'

Kinda piggybacking off my answer. 

29 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Well if she does she can always say how "You werent exclusive". 

Which brings me to my second point. After 3-4 months there shouldnt be a need to state exclusivity. Because if you are in a relationship you should both know that you shouldnt date others or sleep around. To most "wishy- washy" people that is just an excuse for non- commitment and to do what they want. But its new times and I am apparently very old for thinking that way. So you better be sure. 

Anyway, I would more be worried about you knowing how somebody is gorgeous and how she slept with that somebody. That is way too much information to share with somebody on start of dating. Whether she sleeps with him or not is more the question of trust and commitment. 

This is what I thought. If she continues to dodge the exclusivity conversation and her unwillingness to engage intensifies in the lead up to her and this 'gig', I can only sensibly assume that her reason, or at least part of it, is cos she wants to sleep with said guy again and in general, sleep about. 

That's the thing, we haven't said ' we are in a relationship now', so I don't feel like I know.

I'm actually not the best at hints and implying and subtlety. I need clear communication and sometimes need clear direction.

3 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

She did agree not to sleep with anyone else as did you. I’d say you both are exclusively dating. She may not be one to get mushy. 

I do think the oversharing was in poor taste. If it has no bearing on your lives now too much info can be hurtful and introduce doubt in a new relationship. She may not be realizing she’s doing this. 

Keep in mind people overshare at times because they’re not secure with themselves and seek approval. It’s the little child looking for approval but unfortunately may be inappropriate. 

Does she or you drink or get drunk often? Do you drink a lot when you’re together? 

Yeah and this 'overshare' was quite early on. bit of dual edged sword isnt it. its cool she felt comfortable enough to say that to me, but wildly blunt that she did so early on.

we do yes. weve both said we should maybe limit our intake but yes, before we know where we are, we are drunk or having a few drinks.

but yes, we have been together sober and its nice and chilled

im just kinda looking over my shoulder, thats all..

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok so that was her answer to your "exclusive" conversation. She talks like a sailor and offers TMI. But what makes you so sure she's going to hop in bed with the guy again?

I honestly dont have anything concrete or anything other than what I put. her telling what she did, how she did, to my face shows maybe some brute honesty. but still.. i wont be there, she may be drunk.. etc. I just think its a realistic and honest possiblity..

3 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

What kind of person is this who can't talk about relationship status? If you can't have a convo about this, how do you expect to move forward? It's also honestly disrespectful.

You can have that convo one last time with her. Ask her where she's at, and if you want to be exclusive, let her know. Make it clear that you do want to be exclusive.

Otherwise, she's a waste of your time. Sorry man.

My friend thank you. I have already made a pact with myself this weekend that ill try to lightheartedly initiate such a convo. if its met with 'not now' or 'weve spoke about this', ill look elsewhere.

hi.

ive been dating a girl for the past, say 3/4 months.

Now I say dating loosely since we have not actually had a clear conversation about what it is 'we are'.

in the last few weeks she has invited me to meet her boss. invited me to meet some of her friends. invited me to a festival etc, texts me everyday.. which is all cool.

ive tried to initiate the 'what are we' conversation and tried to slide in the 'exclusivity' conversation, which resulted in her saying 'I dont wanna f anyone else', but kinda only after Id said the same and since then it seems like she dont wanna have the convo again. I do since I dont feel the boundaries are clear (she doesnt initiate many conversations. she just kinda sits back and waits for you to initiate).

but I have a slight concern in the meantime..

she told me - well before she met me - she ***ed some drummer guy in a band and that she thought he was 'gorgeous'. this honestly made me laugh and didnt bother me much, but it does slightly bother me that the same dude is booked to play with his band at the venue she works at in the next 2 weeks. theyre playing last at night, shes in charge of welcoming the acts and being a host etc and it just makes me think shes gonna *** him again.

am I wrong or paranoid for assuming this? and how do I approach this?