Hi there, ENA. Long time lurker, first time poster. There are so many wise people here, I wanted to share my struggles and see if anyone can assist me.
I (27F) am in a new (4-month) relationship with a man (32M) I am totally in love with and envision spending a long time, if not forever, with. He is an incredible man. I’ve met his family and friends, we have discussed moving in together in the next year or so, and have exchanged many hopes for the future.
However, ever since starting this relationship, I have had CRIPPLING anxiety revolving around fears of abandonment, betrayal, and jealousy. This is nothing new for me. I have experienced this problem in every one of my relationships, two of which were 3+ years long.
I have diagnosed Generalized Anxiety Disorder and have a history of clinical depression as well. I have always been insecure and anxious, since early childhood. I was bullied in school, abandoned brutally by my high-school clique, and grew up with a well-meaning alcoholic mother and emotionally avoidant father who divorced when I was 13. I grew up in Los Angeles surrounded by failed marriages and Hollywood. There’s “trauma” in there but nothing I’d consider extraordinary.
My problem is that I have developed these core beliefs about men and relationships that I do not know how to change. At the same time, I am a complete romantic and crave everlasting love.
My anxious brain has me convinced that all men will or want to cheat. I believe that I WILL be betrayed by any man I am with given enough time, whether it be an emotional affair with a coworker or a drunken mishap with a female friend. I’ve basically convinced myself it’s inevitable that real, forever, loyal, committed love doesn’t exist. And it’s all I want.
With my current boyfriend, I worry myself SICK when we are not together. Especially if he is out with friends or at work late. He knows all about my anxiety and is incredible at reassuring me and at being patient with me. I have had a few too many emotional outbursts and jealous conversations, and I am just waiting for the day it finally pushes him away.
On the one hand, I am aware that it’s all me, my own responsibility, and that he’s done nothing to warrant any of my mistrust. I go to therapy twice a week. I am going to the doctor today to try a new anti anxiety medication. I am starting a new workout program to increase my happy hormones. On the other hand, I feel out of control. Like nothing I do can change my brain. Like I am doomed to always be the crazy, jealous, insecure girlfriend.
I cannot keep living like this. I don’t want to ruin this relationship because of my issues. But I don’t know how to convince myself that these core fears aren’t real. I know it COULD happen, I could be cheated on or could lose someone I love to a coworker, but I’ve convinced myself I WILL.
So please, ENA, tell me. Do all men cheat or would, given the opportunity? Is there a way for me to live a life where I am not constantly worried about being lied to, about the man I’m with sneaking behind my back? How do I stop being obsessive? Stop wanting to check his phone and vet every female relationship he has?
Is there hope for me?
