KremeBrulee

Just wanted to say thanks again to everyone who proffered advice. Have talked it out. In a good place and as you largely all said, communication and not comparison is key

Thank you for your replies so far. There's a lot there for me to unpack. I think there is a lot to be said for just forgiving him for what he said and taking him at face value when he says its not what he thinks he was just frustrated. Just a few things to clarify. I am not a SAHM/homemaker. The job I do now is less time consuming each day than the previous but is more physically demanding than what I used to do and what H does. Also because it is my business I can build in more flexibility and dont have to answer to bosses in the same way any more. When I mentioned ring fencing, I just meant setting aside a week with no engagements or physically working in my business for me to catch up on my studies. I think I am spreading myself thinly at the moment. The course is a one year accelerated programme. So its intense now, but will not be for much longer as I'll be done by the summer. Good, solid advice so far. Very much appreciated.

Hi @Wiseman2, maybe I wasnt as clear as I could have been. I am not a SAHM and I do not want to be and have never agreed to be. H is not the sole breadwinner. My education business is income generating and I still contribute exactly half of our mortgage and bills, same as I historically always did because we worked the same job and because I would personally never feel comfortable relying entirely on someone else financially. I am training to become a teacher alongside the work I do in my own education business. I work 4 days a week, with a mixture of physically being in my business and working from home on my business. In that context, this is not about finances. My contribution (financially) has not changed since I left my old job.

First time poster, please be kind. H and I have been married almost 3 years. We actually met at work and started at the same level. After we had my son, our pay and seniority levels steadily grew apart. I didn't mind that too much as I was planning on leaving. I hated the job for years and it was affecting my wellbeing. Last year I finally quit having already started my own education business and made plans to retrain as a teacher. A few weeks ago H (who is wfh) had organised for a number of tradesmen to come in to fix different bits around the house. When I got back in from school I joked that the plumber had come back only to say the exact same thing that he'd said several weeks ago. I also made a joke about the electrician starting so many jobs but not finishing anything off. H went out of the room in a huff, which I really wasn't expecting. He then came back, ostensibly calmer and said that he had worked really hard organising the workers and that he had a lot on with his own work etc. He said that he had worked twice as hard as me anyway and I was being critical of the extra work he is doing. I was really taken aback. H has always indicated that if I wanted to give up work and be a SAHM that would be fine by him and that he sees equal value in working outside the home and the work in the home. But while this is what he has said, the fact that he came back and was calmly able to say "I work twice as hard as you" has really shaken my confidence in him. If he is working 10 to 12 hour days, it inevitably falls on me to keep the normal household stuff going, do drop off and pick up from nursery, all this while running my business, and my teacher training course (which requires study alongside working in school). I had thought that this was our understanding. That when one of us has got more on, the other one will pick up the slack etc. We did resolve this argument, as he insisted that he only said that spitefully in the heat of the moment and of course he doesn't think like that. However, I haven't been able to forget what he said and I have resolved that I could never be a SAHM in this relationship as I can see him losing respect for me or thinking I don't do anything all day while he does all the hard work. I've never wanted to be a SAHM anyway. However, I am now in a position where I am the one that has a lot on workwise. In particular, I have a lot to catch up on with my teacher training course. I have made really clear to H that I wanted to ring fence the first week after my school placement to catch up on work before going back into my business day to day. A couple of days ago he suggested us taking a short weekend break by whatsapp. I replied quickly on my lunch break basically saying i would be keen. However by the time I finished he had already asked his boss for the time off. When I got home I looked at the dates he had suggested properly and realised that it was the week I was due to return to my business Because of my placement and family holidays over Christmas I have not physically worked in my own business since the end of November last year. I explained that I was hesitant to take another week out when I could get back into my setting and suggested we do the break in March instead. I said the Match dates were also better as they involved less days out of the business for me and we would actually be able to have a longer holiday. He then said 'well you dont know that you would have been in all those days in the February dates anyway'. I asked what he meant and he was like, well you sometimes work from home you don't always go in so I don't see why the February dates are a problem. He then sulked out of the room and when I called him out on it he said he wasnt sulking he just had work to do. Later he made a big thing of how he would basically look bad for asking for the leave then changing his mind. He was then generally in a mood with me. So despite my better judgement I gave in. I said we could do the February dates and I would go into my business for a week before we went away. I am basically giving up the week I had ring fenced for catching up with my coursework. I told him I could work mornings and evenings and try and get as much as I could done before we went away. The holiday is now booked. I feel so resentful towards him and dont even think I will have a good time on this holiday if I have to spend all day with him. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or validation that he has treated me poorly. I'm also not sure if I'm reading more into the situation than there is. Should I believe him when I say he values both our work equally? Right now I don't think he does.