Hey guys,
I'm in my late 40s and my wife is just a few years younger. We are a blended family and have 2 kids, 13 and 17, and both have successful careers. I'm in IT and she is a lawyer.
Because of our parenting arrangement, we have my step-daughter about 95% and my son 50%. Both exes are trainwrecks so this is as good as its ever going to get and we're fine with that. But their ages and the parenting split has made it hard for us to get adult vacation time. Common problem when kids are involved. Our last big vacation together was our honeymoon 7 years ago and it was glorious. Now that we have a driver, we can start planning for more "just us" trips which is something that is very important to both of us.
A note about our jobs: I work in corporate America and she is a partner for a small firm owned by her longtime friend and law schoolmate. Her boss is also a friend of mine and is a very generous person. For example, he has a beach house and regularly invites our entire family down to spend a week there; he even gets our airfare. I care about their law firm and have helped out in many ways throughout the years with office moves and all of the little tasks and errands that need to be done to support a trial, of which there have been a few. We have a very good relationship.
Our lives have changed drastically last few years (the covidy ones). For me, I went from working in an office everyday with travel to 100% remote, although my job will require travel when that opens back up. She, on the other hand, works from an office and her boss rewards the partners of the firm with a yearly retreat. These retreats tend to just be vacations and I don't begrudge them that because being a lawyer is tough. They need a break from life and I understand that includes me and the kids. It's all good.
So I'm ostensibly homebound while she necessarily can't be. It's our reality and we're dealing with it. Our last 2 years have been a struggle (duh, haven't everybody's?) and we've had some personal and family problems during that time that have made things just a little more difficult. It does feel like we're pulling out of it and can see the horizon.
Here's what is stuck in my craw at the moment: Her boss, while very kind, isn't always very considerate and has a tendency to just do whatever he pleases. 4 weeks ago, I was informed that they were going to Hawaii this week for their retreat.
I have a few problems with this:
1. 3 weeks' notice with the expectation that I'll just adapt and cover
2. I've been talking to my wife about us taking an adult vacation this year and she told me to pick out some places. On my list: Hawaii because she and I have never been together. In fact, I've only been once and it was with my ex who basically ruined the trip for me
3. Covid numbers have been awful recently. Not the best time to travel
4. Work/life balance. My wife has vacationed with her coworkers more than me over the last 4 years at about a 4:1 ratio
My wife is an adult and she DOES NOT need my permission to do anything; however, I've been consulted about these trips in the past and this one just didn't land well for the reasons above.
So that's it. I don't want to start any problems and I would never think of laying any of this on my wife because she has no control over the situation. But I do want some common courtesy in this situation so that I'm not left feeling like I don't matter at all.
I just want to be consulted as a common courtesy as opposed to just being told its going to happen.
As my friend, I feel like I could at some time in the future address this with her boss over a beer. Just a quick, "hey, I get that you guys need these trips and I'm happy you get to take them. But could you at least check with me in the future to make sure it's not trampling over my plans?"
But I want your advice. Again, I don't want to do anything to make her work life more stressful.
Thanks in advance
