India198

15 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Are you looking for excuses to get out of your marriage?

No I am not and on the other hand finding reasons to stay in the marriage. 

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I don't understand why you're so surprised that she gels better with her friends - of course she does. Her friends are probably her age and people she has things in common with. People are usually friends with people they just naturally click with so that's why she connects well with them. 

Trust me I am not and it is obvious to understand why she gels with her friends for the very reason you mentioned above. 
 

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

What exactly does this mean? Can you be concrete in examples of what is said and what the expectations are? What family values do you speak of? How often are family gatherings and where do they take place? What is expected of her during the gatherings that you and your parents feel is lacking?

I have already mentioned about it here

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is the main problem. You and your family ganging up on her.

How exactly? Do you care to explain?

7 hours ago, junebug123 said:

There was a time when my father had remarried. His wife at the time was extremely jealous of his past relationship to my sister and I. This caused a lot of tension and of course my father didn’t want to disown his own kids.

At the end of the day he choose his wife over us. No one really blamed him for doing so, in fact as we got older we realized that he just wanted what was best for him and his future.

When you talk about wanting your wife to respect your family, it’s like I’m having trouble understanding why? Why are you putting them before her? What is it about them, that they have this hold over you and your current affairs. 

To be honest, I find this bizarre. I feel confused even now as I am rereading this thread over and over, trying to understand how we got to this point. What will happen if you leave this women to find another, might your  family find fault with her as well?

This whole situation seems like a nightmare to me. To be honest I feel like your family is worried that your wife will steal you away from them.

In an ideal world we would of course want that our partner would be inclined to help us and support our family together. And maybe as time goes on and your family become vulnerable your wife will change her tune. 

However, it seems like you need to allow her to make that decision. And when you are giving someone an ultimatum, it will naturally cause the person to be defensive.

Im sure that if the roles were reversed, would you want your wife to side with you? If your family truly loves you, they won’t force you to choose. I’m sorry that it has come to this.

Thank you junebug123 for your time and reply. 

Interesting to learn about your father's remarriage 🤔 Can I ask because he choose his second wife over his kids did he stop having relationship with you? Why do you think your step mother was jealous over you and your sister? 

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When you talk about wanting your wife to respect your family, it’s like I’m having trouble understanding why? Why are you putting them before her? What is it about them, that they have this hold over you and your current affairs. 

Is the above alot to ask? I equally respect her parents then why would she not do the same if she valued our marriage? 

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To be honest, I find this bizarre. I feel confused even now as I am rereading this thread over and over, trying to understand how we got to this point. What will happen if you leave this women to find another, might your  family find fault with her as well?

I don't understand why my family is coming across as if they are fault finding in my wife? Can you please explain what context in the threads makes you feel that way? 

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You and your family perpetually think she is "in the wrong", that's the problem.

Why is your family pressuring you about her this much? Aren't they the ones who arranged this marriage? 

They are not trust me  

Why do I feel you seem to think I or my family are against my wife? She has her independence, finances, a well paid job, health etc..... my family or I for that fact don't stop her from doing what she want. 

Both me and my wife come from a good family background, but why is it that she feels trapped? Her parents didn't force her into this marriage. 

All I have wanted in the marriage from her is to respect my family and be nice to them. My family is self sufficient and don't require any financial help from either of us. My wife doesn't have any responsibility of taking care of them. 

Is this too much to ask of my wife?

PS: Are you judging my situation as a typical indian arrangement marriage? 

15 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I feel like wisemen said it best. You are choosing your family over your wife. This is causing friction in the relationship.

I can’t tell you the amount of family sitcoms that center around this issue. Mom or dad adding input to the relationship from outside causing stress on it.

Even in my parents marriage my step father always choose my moms side over his family’s. Of course they had kids and it made it easier for him to do so.

My sister also chooses her husbands side even thou my family mostly doesn’t approve of him. Life is too short to waste, you should support your wife if you want to be with her and your family shouldn’t be so selfish to keep putting you in the middle as well.

Totally understand what you are saying, however how do you support a person when they are actually in the wrong and hurting your family? 

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She gels with her friends so well because she CHOSE them. She chose to be friends with them and presumably she's friends with people she naturally clicks with. She agreed to have you as her husband, she picked you. So she obviously did have feelings for you, but that doesn't mean that magically she would just click with all members of your family. I doubt that this ever really happens in marriages. I think most people act friendly and respectful towards their in-laws but they're not necessarily best friends with them.

Honestly speaking I use to get bothered in the beginning as to why my wife would connect so well with her friends as appose to my family. I could never understand why she would trust new friends over my family? I tried understanding and talking to her about it and her response would be she didn't feel they gave her enough attention for her to gauge back at them. However I am all comfortable with her being outgoing and meeting new people. 

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What is required of your wife is politeness towards your family. To be nice at family events. Other than that I don't think you can actually force her, nor she can force herself to just feel this connection and "gel" with your family. That's something that comes naturally and is either there or not. And obviously in this case it's just not there.

No honestly I don't want my wife to start loving my family. However, atleast make a formal effort to be civil and interact. We are well aware my wife doesn't have the feeling from within to be part of the whole family. This hurts me as I feel my family being non traditional and quite open minded have always given her that space but she feels that space is non existent 🤷‍♂️
 

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If you're not happy with your wife then divorce probably is an option? Then maybe you could join various parts of the local Indian community and start meeting women there. If you prefer a certain type of woman, e.g. less outgoing and more family oriented, then maybe try to look for someone like that. Your wife is a grown woman with her own personality and a person can't just change themselves.

I guess divorce would be the exit strategy but I feel there is something between us that has kept our marriage going for 7 years 🤔

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. Because you side with them against her.

If your parents move near you again it will be just as horrible as when you lived with them.

You and they will gang up on her, treat her as an outcast and criticize everything about her.

You're not a good husband. You're a son who still has the umbilical cord attached.

The few times you acted like a married couple, you were happy.

Then you and your family gang up on her again and start making demands.

Get divorced. You're both miserable. Let your sister take care of your parents in their old age. 

I feel you are quick to judge the whole situation  

I do support my wife and do take her side, however at times when she behaves erratically and as a stranger then how does one support the wrong? All I want of her is to behave in a civilised manner and respect when parents are around. 

However, that too turns out to be a mess and situation goes out of hand. 

22 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

What do you think are your future goals in a marriage? Do you want kids or no?

I do want to have kids for sure

15 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

OK thank you for answering and giving more information about your marriage. I'm actually originally from Eastern Europe but have lived in Australia since childhood so I have very Western ideas about relationships and marriage. I'm just trying to relate to being Indian and the way marriage is viewed in your culture and the role family plays in marriage relationships.

I understand that this was an arranged marriage as I assume was wanted by your parents? Did your parents suggest your wife because they actually liked her as a person? Or was there some other reason, e.g. her parents were pushing for it or you were older or having trouble finding a wife? I'm just wondering if your parents originally wanted to match you with your wife did they get along well originally? What do you think is happening or has happened to cause your wife and your parents not get along?

What I noticed in your post is you said you're not sure if you love your wife and you're thinking about divorce. I'm thinking that's not really a good sign. Your answer really should have been: "Yes I do love my wife". If you're thinking all these things, sounds like you're not happy? You said your parents will be wife with your wife if YOU want to persist with the marriage. I think be honest in that maybe it's actually you who is not sure?

 

It was a modern arranged marriage where by her parents came across a matrimonial advertisement my father had put in the local newspaper. Both our fathers clicked over the phone and rest is history. I travelled to India with my father and we met up her family. At the time she was happy with the arrangement and say 'Yes' to go ahead with the marriage. I got to spend a week and a half with her while I was in India and then for the next 6 months chatted with her over the phone before our actual marriage. During the 6 months over phone and SMS's I figured out she loved her social life and enjoyed going out with friends perhaps every second weekend. 

Since moving to UK, I did notice she felt alot trapped in the family and bursting to make new friends. However, she never made any efforts in getting to know my family more. Initially we were a joint family for few months before moving out but once we moved out she never hardly wanted to make any effort towards coming closer to my family. 

Honestly speaking with so much happening, I have mixed feelings towards her. I love my family and feel a sense of responsibility towards them. But at the same time I am upset that my wife doesn't feel part of the family. It makes me frustrating when she gels so well with her friends, family and relatives. However when it comes to my family her behaviour is very different. 

I grew up in India and lived there till I was 16 before moving to UK. I was always brought up to adhere family values and love one another. And my wife coming from similar background makes me wonder why she ended up so negative about my family? 

On 1/15/2022 at 8:56 AM, Spawn said:

do you have kids together? if you are living together with everybody from beginning have you thought about looking at a separate pad for you and your wife like maybe nearby to your parents home?

No kids and we live separately, however my parents have recently moved near us so they can be near me.

On 1/15/2022 at 5:53 AM, lostandhurt said:

I have a question that I have always wanted to ask.

Since there are arranged marriages like in this case are there arranged divorces?

Parents push their children into a marriage they think is a good idea but when it goes horribly like yours has do they get together and decide to help it through divorce?

  Therapy will only work if both people really want to make things better but it sounds like your wife does what she wants, acts like she wants and only cares about herself.  That is not a description of someone that wants to be a partner in a marriage.

  Dragging her to couples counseling may help you prepare yourself for a divorce as it will show you that this marriage was a bad fit from the start.

  Lost

>Dragging her to couples counseling may help you prepare yourself for a divorce as it will show you that this marriage was a bad fit from the start.

I think it is the only I will get my answers.

On 1/15/2022 at 4:37 AM, junebug123 said:

I have a different perspective on this so just take my advice with a grain of salt. I know that a lot of people will probably be upset at my response but I don’t care.

Oftentimes when I see certain behaviors from partners, I feel inclined to believe that these behaviors are a reflection of what is tolerated. 

One way to course correct your partners behavior is to pull alway when their behavior is negative and reward behavior which is positive. Of course not everyone is flexible and the way parents raise their kids has a lot to do with how their children will behave. This is especially true if the child was spoiled, sometimes it can be a hopeless endeavor if one either doesn’t know how to “discipline” or “motivate” their behavior properly.

These types of people will go from relationship to relationship wondering why everyone they date behaves this way towards them. Women that find themselves in abusive relationships or men who allow women to walk all over them.

Ideally, you should seek help first yourself in order to set proper boundaries. Then the burden will be on her end, to decide if she wants to be with someone who has set rules for the relationship. 

Of course there’s always the possibility that after 7 years it’s too late. And she has already lost respect towards you and your family. In that situation it’s probably best to walk away.

thank you for your advice and I will think about it. 

>Of course there’s always the possibility that after 7 years it’s too late. And she has already lost respect towards you and your family. In that situation it’s probably best to walk away.

I am highly certain she has lost respect towards my family.

On 1/15/2022 at 4:15 AM, catfeeder said:

Why not ask her which she'd prefer? If she'd prefer divorce, it makes no sense to waste your time and money on counseling.

She never conforms to which one she'd prefer? She has always told me, if I am not happy then go for divorce but I feel she thinks I will never go for it.

On 1/14/2022 at 10:46 PM, smackie9 said:

Sounds to me she doesn't want a traditional Indian marriage where family is all one, living together, saving money together, dinners together, etc. 

So I suggest you figure out a compromise...something you both can live with. It's not going to ever be perfect but more tolerable. Go to counseling. 

I highly agree with you on this as I have felt the same about her. However this makes me sad as she voids of family values and it's how I have been brought up. 

On 1/14/2022 at 7:45 PM, Rose Mosse said:

What is the issue with your sister? There seems to be some disagreement between the two of them. 

It also sounds like she's looking out for herself because she doesn't trust your family, regardless of what you think or say. To be realistic, you're going to view your family in a positive and supportive way even though she may be treated as a second class citizen in the same home. 

Do your parents, your sister, your wife and you all live under the same roof?

Couple's therapy may work if both individuals are invested in the marriage or see a possibility of reconciling differences. 

I think you've 'hit the nail in the head' right there. From the beginning she came into this marriage with lots of insecurities, doubts and complex. She has always been defensive and never seen herself as a part of the whole family. 

She never gelled in well with my father, as he is somewhat mildly orthodox in nature and always stresses about ethical and family values. She has never in 7 years made any of us feel that she poses family values.

>What is the issue with your sister? There seems to be some disagreement between the two of them. 
Again my sister and her never gelled either from beginning. My wife has always felt insecure and complex when she is around. However, if they are talking on phone they seem fine. However in flesh I can see my wife's behaviour unpleasant, unnatural and rude. It shoes actually shows in her face that she is very uncomfortable around her and they way my sister carry's her attire. 

>Couple's therapy may work if both individuals are invested in the marriage or see a possibility of reconciling differences. 
I have always pushed for counselling / therapy as she never feels the need for one?

On 1/14/2022 at 5:08 PM, Tinydance said:

OK, first question is do you actually love this woman? I know your marriage was arranged but in some cases people grow to love each other in arranged marriages or at least grow fond of each other. You've actually given this seven years, which is a pretty long time. If the marriage isn't working then I'm not sure if it can actually get any better after all this time. You could try couples' counselling again but if you don't love each other then I'm not sure you can do much. Do you have kids? Would your parents be angry at you if you divorced?

>first question is do you actually love this woman?
Because of all the turmoil, arguments about my parents and her own insecurities I am not if I do love her or not? 😐 We've had our ups and down, been on lovely holidays and enjoyed dinning at great restaurant's. However, in the end it always boils down to my side of family. She is very insecure and doesn't trust them one bit. Either it be living with them or spending money. She has over the years taken a massive dislike over my father. 

Yeah 7 years have been long, however out of 7 years we have lived 5 years away from my parents in a different city. However, now my parents have moved to the same city and will be living near us as they are getting old and want to live near me as would any other parent want. 

> Do you have kids?
Nope.

>Would your parents be angry at you if you divorced?
They don't want me to divorce my wife as they feel if me and wife love each other and live happily then they are happy to except a life where they don't expect much from my wife. However, for some reason with everything going around it's only me who thinks about a divorce and not my wife? 

On 1/14/2022 at 3:43 PM, Andrina said:

Well, after 7 years, I'd certainly give couples therapy another go, depending. And this time give it a lengthier time.

But is she worth this effort? Does she care for you when you're sick? Does she ever do anything to benefit you to make your life easier? Does she contribute her fair share of finances and chores within the household? I don't know what you mean by pennies in the bank and her own well-being. Maybe you can expand on that. Do you live with your parents?

Thanks for your reply

> Does she care for you when you're sick?
Does upto a certain extent. 

>Does she ever do anything to benefit you to make your life easier?
Nope.

> Does she contribute her fair share of finances and chores within the household?
She does yes.

>I don't know what you mean by pennies in the bank and her own well-being.
Meaning she is very money minded. She doesn't like it when the balance starts to fluctuate. 

I am a British Indian and married to a Indian girl for the last 7 years. It was a arranged marriage and in the last 7 years we've had a turmoil relationship. She doesn't agree with my feelings towards my parents and sister. She is self confessed selfish, always thinking about the pennies in the bank and of her well being. My parents have always tried to make her feel like their own daughter but because my sister exists, she has never been able to overcome her existence? I am stuck in the middle trying to create a harmony between both the parties but so far been failing. The issues we had in the first year of our marriage has always lingered been us no matter how hard I try to resolve it. She has no responsibilities towards my parents, they are self sufficient in their own way. She loves making new friends and somehow trusts them more than both me or my family. I think the main reason for this is because she feels free of life burdens around them. I try my best to facilitate all her needs and what not but she still feels unsatisfied? I think am coming to a point where I need to make a decision whether to get external help like couple therapy or divorce to keep us both sane :(. We have been to a couple therapy in the 4th year of marriage but didn't pursue it further. I am confused which direction to proceed in?