Dated for nearly two years. It was the first proper relationship for both of us and was very love-filled, no domestic issues etc. Only a couple arguments here and there, we both had huge crushes on each other and took it very shy and slow in the beginning. Fast-forward; she ended it for a bunch of reasons against me she never properly brought to me and a bunch of hypotheticals about our future with an extreme reading of my character, which she later admitted was a reflection to her own family traumas. She then wanted to be friends despite the not-the-best attempt at a breakup, which was prolonged by her, and I said no at first. After a month she called me and said she misses me and she loves me still. Wouldn't say I love you after this whenever we called. Week later I asked her why. Turns out she essentially manipulated me into being her friend for a week when she knew I didn't want that. Didn't talk again. Hallucinated her a week after this so the next day I called her and decided, for the betterment of myself, to be friends, to stay in contact mostly. I came home from my first term at University and during my stay we essentially did everything a couple would do. One of the first meetings we had we agreed to start slow again, super slow like not hand holding yet slow, and she explained the break up was a case of a) her believing she couldn't do a relationship at the moment due to her own issues, but b) also still my fault in the reasons she never sat down to talk with me about. We had this double date with my friends who were a couple and I do admit I told one of my friends I had preserved issues with this date since I didn't think the act was matching our slow start and my ex(?) was getting a benefit they weren't subscribed to, for lack of term. When it was just me and her she made it clear to me we weren't a couple, yet this past month she received the benefits of a couple to my belief. After this double date I tried to call her and text her here and there since I thought we were both going slow but I decided to not message her for a bit to be more slow. Since this she has not spoke to me at all.
Our relationship was not toxic to my knowledge. We both went with the flow and were slow with any sex and even the declaring of our love. Our break up wasn't the cut clean break up of the average couple; we had the big list of reasons she's right or i'm right, then a big heart-breaking silence from each other and removing each other but would have a big cry together and rinse repeat the last two steps essentially. Its been 4 months nearly and its been the slowest, most demotivating and depressing time for us. The break up felt forced almost, she would be crying and going back on her decisions yet insisted on a break up for the better of us both since she believed she wasn't capable for a relationship anymore. I've been trying to tell her that, quite frankly, it has not been better for both of us. Insomnia, depression and demotivation for 4 months is in no way better for either of us.
I feel like I've been paused emotionally this whole time. I don't want anyone else and I just can't see the unfixable reason for which we can't be together anymore. I do still love her and as far I can tell she still loves me, I could be wrong I suppose but she doesn't hate me definitely. I also feel like she is throwing me back and forth on her own courtyard; she wants me, she doesn't want me etc. She says stuff like "I love you romantically but I don't want to be with you" and that she wouldn't tell me if she went on a date in the meanwhile, but says she doesn't want to so it's fine. All back and forth and it's really hurtful.
The main reason I'm making this post is because of the fact she hasn't talked to me since I stopped messaging her but said she wanted to start slow. I don't know what to do, do I just wait it out since I love her or do I remove her? Do I call her? Why could she being this?
Sorry if this isn't posted in the right place etc. I just want some help to be frank and I'm tired of feeling lost, down and bad about myself.
