Fluffymomo

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

"Call out"? But you're a timid little Lolita at work pretending every older man is after your precious little pants? Get real.

Wow resort to personal attack because you have nothing to say it back? Lol no I think you are the timid Lolita who hide behind a screen and can’t hold a normal debate.

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Again, not sure how you came up with this assumption.  Where did I say "only you" are impacted by traumatic experiences?  Many people are.

You do come across as angry and defensive.  You also insult people who try to help you.  I get it, you don't like the help you are receiving, but there's no need to make snide comments about 40 year olds and their "lame" husbands.

I do think there is nothing inappropriate about your boss contacting you outside of work hours other than he's imposing on your personal time.  My guess is he does this with other employees, not just you.  And I don't think the fact that he seems "shy" indicates romantic or sexual interest in you.

I said “ it seems..” I didn’t say for sure 100%.
 

By help you mean making wild accusations that strongly triggered by personal insecurity and bias? LOL

Just now, Batya33 said:

Yes for sure depending on what is typical in your specific work environment.  In mine it would not be. But it would be more of an issue, if that makes sense, than my former work environments. 

So why do you automatically assume your specific work environment applies to my situation?

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm not Batya, so I'm not sure why you brought her up in your response to my post.

Why should you have a "problem admitting" you are getting professional help?  If you broke your leg or got food poisoning would you be ashamed to see a doctor?  It's the same thing.

Because that quote that you included in your previous comment was my response towards Batya. You seem to think it’s only me impacted by the traumatic experience but I am just pointing out who else could use some professional help. And judging by the way Batya need to have last say in every disagreement, she probably would have a hard time admitting she needed help where I don’t have this problem 

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you this nasty and obnoxious at work?

This is a question respond to your previous statement. Why’s this nasty? Could you help me understand? Is it because I call you out? Lol

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

 

These two statements indicate you feel traumatized and hurt by the interactions with your previous boss.  Are you receiving any professional help to assist you in recovering from this trauma?

I am. And I don’t have problem admitting it.  At the same time, I finds it’s very shady how Batya33 twisted the facts especially when she was following my previous threads/post. She turned a post soliciting advices to be all about her own insecurity in this stage of her life. What a shame.

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

This would have been a good time to be out with your BF so you wouldn't have to intercept after hours work-related communication.

Be busy outside of work. Only work during work hours.

Avoid hyperbole and twisted thinking like "grooming". Therapy may help you with whatever your previous experience was with the other workplace.

Lol aren’t you one of the folks that told me how I overthink the executive’s intention  in my post few months ago? In the end, he reached out and wanted a secret relationship… 

And why do you assume I am not busy outside work? This is one post I made after how many months while y’all literally spend everyday on the forum lol. 

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I understood her point to be that she was reading into his awkwardness plus contact of her on February 14 for work reasons crossed a boundary that in her imagination had to do with romantic interest and she presumes since he is married he is interested in women.  Were it a female boss who was not a lesbian or bi she might have been troubled about the after hours contacts but not because of any inappropriate (here, imagined IMO) romantic interest.

 

Reaching out to me at 9pm for stuff that’s borderline work related that can wait till next day? Yeah would be an issue if this was the behavior coming from a female boss 

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Particularly given her rant about the feedback she got from 40 somethings on this thread -but her boss is in his 40s and married so my sense is she imagines that of course he'd be attracted to someone much younger who's also so ambitious, etc. as opposed to those 40 something married women who get mani pedis and eat truffles while lounging on the couch and need to don spanx before going to the grocery store 😉 -luckily I'm 55 so not in the group she's quick to judge).   

Wow I wasn’t going to reply to this thread anymore but I kept getting notifications of you comments in my inbox. Looking back at how you twisted the facts and need to have the last say in everything whether it’s with me or with others who hold a different opinion than you, you certainly don’t have the maturity level of a 55 year old. I find it’s interesting that you constantly feel the need to mention your life in a thread that has nothing to do with you. Who’s the one that really crave validation? 
 

Let me address this one more time because  you have a habit of putting your words in my mouth. I never said my boss must be attracted to me because he’s in his 40s and I am in my 20s therefore much younger/ attractive. As a matter of fact, this quote come from your wild accusation. Just like your comments of what women in their 40s would do.. I mean those were your words, you feeling towards that group, NOT MINE.

You projected yourself so much into his wife’s shoes and made up lies of of how I am assuming I am younger therefore more attractive. All I did was pointing out the age difference there to show he’s more experienced and protentially better at manipulation. This is very subjective view from me, but it’s how I felt with my previous experience with the last executive I dealt with. He took advantage of my parent’s passing and took advantage of me at a vulnerable moment.

I remember you were one of them telling me how I “ overthink” that man’s intention in my post few months ago. Guess what, he has reached out to me after my resignation and wanted to have a secret relationship. And  I am NOT completely healed from that experience. It’s something that still impact me everyday so I am more cautious in terms of relationship with male colleagues at work, especially when there’s power dynamic involved.
 

It’s very disrespectful that you are throwing my boss’s wife into this when I didn’t mention her once in my original post nor did I compare myself with her. To me, it’s about establishing a healthy professional boundaries. It’s not a competition with my boss’s wife. The 2/14 event was concerning because he reached out to me at 9pm at night for stuff that’s borderline work related and can totally wait till the next day. Again, I didn’t say for sure it means he has a romantic interest in me, but couple with other incidents and his mismatch behavior, it’s making me feel uncomfortable. Especially we recently have the talk of promotion, I don’t want things getting into my way or others seeing this as an opportunity of exploitation. Would I have the same concern if the same behaviors come from a female boss? Absolutely.

Last, I don’t know what makes you think I get would be flattered if my boss’s romantically interested in me. TBH, I will be horrified. I have worked hard everyday to achieve the goals on my plan and the last thing I would want was to have the efforts I made all went into nothing and potentially risky of my job security. Again, I was asking advice of keeping a healthy boundary with the boss. You twisted my words and turned it into something that’s completely the opposite.

I think a lot of comments you made show your insecurity towards your current life status. I would sincerely suggest you to get get off the forum and get some professional help. The deepest of a woman’s insecurities often come from the men who have hurt them.

Just now, kamurj said:

Please do find time to read that if you are going to post here.

Did I violate any rules? Am I in trouble lol?

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think you want advice.  You want to be validated and told you are right.  I don't think you are right. I'm bowing out.  No issue for me if you choose to sabotage your success. It's a shame though.  Good luck.

I just don’t have space for BS

3 minutes ago, Blue_Skirt said:

If you have read the forum rules, you know that it is not allowed to have multiple accounts. Yes, that response was towards me, because you quoted my response in your post.

Honestly don’t have time to read that. My bad . I was trying to reply to Wiseman that I think you quoted in the comments

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I see.  You just wanted validation that your shy awkward married boss must be hot for you because you are tracking when he calls you about work.  Hyperfocused so that shy and awkward must mean that he's into you because you're younger than his wife and you imagine yourself to be more attractive and interesting than she is.  You might end up "right" and going to HR but if you cry wolf too many times it's not going to be lonely at the top as they say because you're foregoing precious opportunities for mentorship, especially now when it's so hard to mentor virtually.

Why are you projecting yourself so much into his wife’s position? Is that from your past experience ? Where are all the comments that “I am younger and more attractive than his wife” coming from? Is that a response from your insecurity once again?? And the comment about going to HR.. Again, you are way too dramatic lady. I am asking advice of keeping a healthy boundary not reporting him to HR.. 

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

There is no instigator.  He is not instigating. You're creating a fantasy in your head for some reason.  Figure out the reason as you seem to want to progress professionally.  Your overthinking will sabotage that if you begin acting out your overthinking and general negativity about "women" in the workplace. 

Clearly, I was referring to someone from my previous experience. And I think you are the one who has negativity towards woman and hold a much different standard for man. And no thanks, I don’t need advice from someone who can’t even communicate with her colleague if she finds cute features in them.  I think it’s time for you to do some self reflection. Why are you so insecure?

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I call and email many people outside of business hours because the last time I worked at a place where people were strict about "business hours" was probably in 1990.  Now I do work at a place where people are more strict about it (see my delayed emails above) but there is never anything wrong with emailing or calling someone as long as it's not personal email or personal phone (unless it rings through to it as it does on mine) and as long as there's no expectation of a response in a non deadline situation. 

My male boss called me once at 7:30am.  I was on the treadmill.  He needed something urgent looked into.  Never questioned for a second why he was calling me before 9am.  I started looking into it while on the treadmill.  We spoke again about an hour later.  At least in my world there are no such general boundaries if work needs to be done other than individual boundaries or arrangements like someone is on leave (although when I took one day off for illness while pregnant I got a call to do an assignment.  I stayed close to my bathroom and did the work).  

Too long.. don’t care.. whatever

27 minutes ago, Whoeveriam said:

Stop and self reflect a bit.

 

Is it possible you are attracted to this man? And, thereby looking for signs of mutual attraction?

 

None of what you describe indicates to me that he is crossing the line and seeking a relationship with you.

 

 

 

Nope. Not at all. I talked about my promotion plan with him recently so I want to be careful to make sure nothing will get in my way

8 minutes ago, Blue_Skirt said:

What is “this”?

Also, why do you assume that I have children, let alone a daughter?

Do you have two accounts here? That response was not towards you..

55 minutes ago, Blue_Skirt said:

Stop overanalysing everything your boss does or says. I have not read any inappropriate behaviour from your boss in your post.

He wants to be efficient / he is multitasking. He is driving in his car and he wants to use that time to do phone calls. I have done that when I had longer drives on the motorway (always with hands free connection).

Stay professional, you are there to do your job, nothing else. Should he call you outside working hours, you don't answer the phone, unless you know there is something really important going on at work and he needs your assistance. At least that's what I would do in that case.

 

Find it quite shady that you feel the need to tag my past post to make a point. And guess what that guy did try to connect with me after I left the company. My gut feeling was right. Sick of this double standard in our world today that women is always the party to blame no matter who’s the instigator. Hope this doesn’t happen to your sister, your daughter or any women in your family 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I am very sensitive to all that stuff and you are overreacting and overthinking.  Do you want your married boss to find you attractive and want to hook up with you -would that give you a bit of a thrill? Do you like your work? Or is it a tad boring so you're distracted by your theories? He sounds like a person who contacts when the mood strikes him and he's not into doing a delayed delivery (I will do that sometimes - like if I'm working very late and would prefer that not be obvious, or if I don't want the recipient to get the impression I need a response after business hours,  I'll delay the time of a non-urgent email - it will still show the timestamp if you look but at least it arrives at a less odd time.).  

He's allowed to be shy and awkward as long as he is behaving professionally, getting his work done, giving you appropriate work and instructions, etc.  Want to know why? Because this is work.  It's not about your personal or professional development. If he is doing that that's icing on the cake -you're not entitled unless it was a condition for you to accept this job.  Get your work done. Contribute to your employer.  Be a team player- meaning work, not personally.  In the remotest possibility he feels awkward because he notices your attractive features (this happened to me with a male colleague -he was sooo cute that at times I'd avoid being face to face so I could remain professional) - in that remote possibility -know that it means nothing.

He is married and presume he is happily married to his wife who might not have as attractive features as you but presume he loves her, he is loyal to her, he sees you as a coworker, the end even if once in awhile he might notice to himself that you look cute and feel a bit awkward (I don't think it's that- just even if in some alternative universe that was the case)

You're going down a dangerous path of self fulfilling prophecy.  Get out of your head and know your place, know that your value is to perform the best you can to contribute to the employer -just like everyone else and if you feel your ego getting in the way cause it's kinda thrilling this married guy might find you cute- remind yourself you're utterly replaceable should you not perform or make waves.  

Wow talking about double standard here.. And No his behavior actually  has directly impact our work communication. We are all adults here and at the end of the day business is business. I will never avoid to someone or communicate with them because they have “ cute” feature.I think you sound really dramatic and as a matter of fact could probably use some professional help. Don’t see how I am going into a dangerous path if I am asking advice to keep a professional boundaries.

wow some of you really good at making accusations.. TBH, I don’t find him attractive at all and find this behavior kind annoying.  I didn’t feel any weird vibes and was able to interact with him just like any other male colleagues at the beginning., It’s only when he start acting uncomfortable, that I started to feel uncomfortable. He can’t even look at me in the eye when having an in person conversation..

anyways, I realize this is a complete waste of time posting here.. 

15 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't see anything to suggest he has a personal interest in you beyond being your boss. 

And maybe he's a bit annoying at times with the emails and calls, but again, it's all work-related. That's not unheard of with demanding bosses. 

Just continue to be professional, and be careful not to project a bad past experience onto the present. 

 

I certainly hope it’s my overthinking but it’s just his tones and the way he spoke to me is very different when we are alone vs others around..

2 minutes ago, Blue68 said:

So in your words he “checks all the boxes for a good boss” … so why not just assume that to be the case instead of second guessing his motives and making things awkward for yourself.

From what you said, I don’t see that he has done anything inappropriate. To clarify, though, are these calls out of hours or were you working from home?Either way, going forward, focus on doing your job and try not to read anything into his actions which don’t really seem to be out of the ordinary. 
 

 

Yes off hours and he emailed me on valentine’s night… Just curious if the awkward and shy behavior of him when we are in person.. He wasn’t like that at the beginning and was actually very confident in front of me.. Either way I think some healthy boundaries are needed.. I will probably stop picking up his call all the time..

Hello. It’s me again. Few months ago I posted here seeking advices of how to deal with an corporate executive that I had a crush on and ended up realizing he was grooming me.. Ended up in a mess and left for a new job. In my current job, I also have a male boss and I am his only female direct report.
 

He’s married and in his 40s, I am in my 20s. At first I didn’t feel any weird vibes from him and actually really appreciate he’s supportive but also remains to be professional. However, I noticed his behavior has been a bit strange lately. He acts uncomfortable and even a bit shy around me when we are in office. 

He wouldn’t talk to me unless I approach him first for work related chat. But he would email/call me constantly when I am working from home for things that’s not urgent and can totally wait to email me.. Recently he start mentioning he’s calling me from the car or he’s going to his personal appointment etc.. which is very different compare to how distance he is in the office.

At first I was thinking maybe he’s shy in person but I see him interact pretty well with others and actually quite outgoing.
 

The mismatch behavior didn’t start when I first come onboard. But at the same time I know he has done a lot nice things for me in terms of getting me the resources to do my work. He also gave a lot of compliments on the work that I turned in. He showed an interest in my personal development..He even worked on my personal development plan on a Saturday morning when he totally doesn’t have to. Check all the boxes of being a good boss.
 

I enjoy working with him but I am also start feeling the situation has made me a little uncomfortable.. Still scarred from my previous experience. I want to have a normal working relationship with him but I now feel I can’t even have any personal talks with him without feeling awkward. 

Another thing I found strange was him would leave me alone pretty much for the whole day in office but as soon as I walk by his office to go to the downstairs garage, I will get a random email from him..it has happened few times I just think timing is very suspicious. I just don’t understand why he only wants to talk about work when I am at home but rarely when I am in the office? Today he called me three times today and each time for a good 40 mins.. And he’s not the micromanaging type so it’s even more bizarre 

How should I intereact with him moving forward. I want to be able to establish a good working relationship but I also don’t want to put myself in a position to be exploit again 

7 hours ago, Jibralta said:

You were way too impressed with this guy and his 'c-suite' crap. This was a married man with kids who flirted openly with women in the office. Thank your lucky stars that this creeper no longer sets his sights on you.

Well i don’t think I was impressed by the “ C-suite” title but more for an authority figure show kindness when no one else at my work gave a ***. I was vulnerable and he took advantage of it..

This quote from the show I watched summarize the best.

“He saw your unfulfilled need to confide in someone, then positioned himself as the singular person to fulfill that need,” she says. “Groomers pose as saviors. When in reality, they’re predators.”

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

First step in liberation from bitterness is Self kindness.

Objectively, I don't view anything you've believed or done as 'stupid'.

You are a bright woman who worked in a culture of high toxicity, and you suffered a devastating loss, for which my heart goes out to you.

You responded to the loss with a move toward self-preservation by removing yourself from the toxic soup.

The toxic boss, who not-so-incidentally created or sustained this culture, was the only one to even acknowledge your loss, and he offered overtures of kindness from a position of authority.

When you recognized that this created a different kind of toxicity for you and operated once again out of self-preservation, the guy pulled back his attention and took his offers of help off the table.

What we don't know is, were those offers merely over-compensation in the form of some view of himself as a 'savior' that he would have forgotten about anyway, or was he making overtures to lure you sexually, only to drop you once he recognized that he set himself up for legal trouble?

Either way, HE is beside the point--the place was full of bullies, one of which was him.

While no doubt such a place is traumatic for anyone, it's especially no place for one who is grieving.

None of this makes you 'stupid,' it makes you smart and resilient for getting your Self OUT of there.

Hold your head high, and keep writing more if it helps.

Most of us encounter at least one "DON'T" model of awful companies at some point in our lives. We can torture ourselves about it, or we can take pride in our ability to recognize such a culture and GET OUT OF THERE.

I vote for you to adopt pride rather than bitterness. Which do you believe would serve you better?

Head high.

 

 

Thank you and thank you again for your advices.

This weekend I happened to come across a Hulu series “ cruel summer”. Without spoiling the plot, I had to say it paints a great example of the textbook “ Grooming”. Opening up a vulnerability to gain trust, filling a need, showering in complements, testing the boundaries etc.. I had to say I recognize a lot of the similarities in my experience.

This quote from the show really struck me tonight ..

“He saw your unfulfilled need to confide in someone, then positioned himself as the singular person to fulfill that need,” she says. “Groomers pose as saviors. When in reality, they’re predators.”

Looking back, I do feel like he’s grooming me and making me feel like a willing participant when in reality he exploited my vulnerability at my weakest moment. When my feelings for him were pretty obvious, he frequented my desk even more often. He only backed off when I started to act very frosty towards him. And given by how suddenly he stopped all his help and quickly “ dropped me” after I begin distance from him.. 

I am just happy that I will be out of there soon and didn’t go far into to make decisions that I will regret forever. I think every thing happens for a reason and let this be a learning lesson for me.