Husband

She can mostly deal with every day life, and is doing very well with sobriety and support groups. I think that is some of the problem, her life is returning to normal in some areas, so she feels her old lifestyle should return, where in reality I explain to her she has an amazing life for someone on benefits. It just doesn’t sink in. We both attend sobriety groups, but I honestly think she has no clue how much this all hurts.

I understand not being able to change, but when we started out she was more willing to look after her house and me. Now we are back on our feet our lifestyle has got better, but our relationship worse as she feels she should be living at a higher level. I want to share chores, but the more I do the less she does. The garden I do 100% of, because she loves sitting in it, but never helps even when I ask. Her basic fault is it’s too hard work, where as I see things can only be nice if you work for it. Weekends are the hardest as that’s the only time I have to do chores, where she sees it as her days off even though she doesn’t work. I don’t expect much back, what I want is someone who understands I need other forms of affection other than sex. I know many women think that’s all men want, but I find it hard to feel loved when she can’t make an effort for a few hours a week. I question myself being selfish for this, but it does not change the fact she feels more towards her family and friends than just me.

She has wet brain from alcohol, so some memory and cognitive problems. I don’t expect her to be “normal” so allow things to be different. It just things like if it’s a big party then she will clean the house or dress nice, and if the kids are round the meals are special. I know married life can be a touch dull sometimes, but it’s more I feel like a meal ticket for her to live a life I don’t. We do talk about it, sometimes she just gets upset, other times she listens, but whatever we do it never lasts long. I’m quiet emotionally as I have some autism, so find it hard to make myself emotionally vulnerable, and when I’m at my most open I just find she has no idea how much small things hurt. I’m not asking for a 24/7 cleaner and cook, but it’s the point she will do it for others but not for me. Her goals in life are champagne lifestyle with material things and holidays, mine is just needing someone who understands what makes me happy. I tend to cross between understanding she is different, to loathing her attitude to me. I’m not trying to have a bought wife, I just want her to be happy doing things that make me happy if that makes sense.

I’m finding it hard to keep my marriage positive. We have both been married before, and met when at lowest points in our lives. I’d had a breakdown, and she was an alcoholic. Together we started again, she is now sober, and I went back to work. It’s only me that works, and my job is extremely stressful with me leaving home at 6:20am and usually returning about 5:50. Money is good but not fantastic, so I try to be realistic on our spending. She came from a previous relationship where her husband earned a high wage, where I came from one where we earned lower wages. Her husband has the children (16 & 18), and we have them every other weekend and some school holidays. I try to talk to her about money, work, our relationship honestly, and about feeling used. In my eyes I work flat out to provide a nice home, holidays, stuff for her children. In return I ask for her to cook & clean, take more interest in the house & me. basic point is she does as little as possible, I do all the gardening, diy, sorting of paperwork etc. She doesn’t get up in the mornings to say goodbye, but gets upset if I don’t come up and say goodbye when she’s still in bed. The kitchen is normally still messy in the mornings, stuff left cluttered round the house, bins full. last year we fell out over her wanting a newer car, considering she doesn’t contribute anything. She approached her step dad and borrowed £12,000 for a convertible. I was still paying a loan off for the house. No matter how I put it she just said I should be happy for her even though I needed a newer van for work. I’ve ended up having to clean her car on top of her old one that we had to keep as her convertible isn’t practical for shopping etc. even with all this I still try to see that she wants to just be happy. I wouldn’t say she is greedy, but just ignorant how much it hurts. She has told me her children are the most important thing to her, and I’ve explained without me they wouldn’t be able to stay over. but the thing that hurts the most is no matter how much I say I need her emotional support, she still ignores me most of the time. Intimacy to her is just sex, and that has to be all aimed towards her pleasure. I just want someone to hold me when I’m down, keep the house & garden tidy, appreciate what we have, and not tell me what extra she would like. I don’t want to leave her, more because she wouldn’t cope on her own, and I do still love her, but each day I get more distant as each time I try trusting her emotionally she lets me down by ignoring what I want. stuck what to do.