DoesItEvenMatter

2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

You don't have 'trust issues.'

Your distrust of him is completely appropriate. 

He has repeatedly shown you that he is not trustworthy.

If you have any 'trust issue' it's that you're forcing yourself to believe him when you know he lies.

It's like getting beaten up and then saying that you have a 'bruising issue.'

That's weird. Why are you doing it?

I don't know why really, I guess we have just been together so long at this point that the thought of anything else is overwhelming and scary.

24 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Where are the lack of trust come from? Did he lie/cheat before?

If you're not happy in the relationship, and he doesn't care, then this relationship has come to an end. He takes you too much for granted.

He fooled around with an ex when we were just dating. We were teenagers so I let it go and we worked it out and got married, I told him because of it I wasn't comfortable with him maintaining relationships with his ex's. Through out the years he has continued to communicate with his ex's, one of which he said was crazy and manipulative so I'm not sure why he would want to know how she was doing. Everytime he would say that he didn't realize it was an issue for me and that I could see the conversations and they were just casually catching up. 

I think he loves me, I just don't believe he ever considers my feelings about anything. 

1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

I would be upset if my hubby did this, for sure!  Totally disrespectful. 😕 

I wonder if he's maybe missing the intimacy you two once had?  AS you said you're so overwhelmed & tired?

Either way, you do NOT seek out another woman to 'assist' in something like this, when it should be between a couple.

You say your trust in him is not there?  Is maybe time to just call it quits?

Even if you were to seek couple's therapy, I doubt you can feel okay & recover from any of this now.

Maybe, I heard something once that was like if you only love your self 30% and someone loves you 20% that it feels like a lot. This past year I have absolutely stopped pretending to be happy and okay just to make him happy. I also stopped having sex if I wasn't in the mood. 

I'm not opposed to counseling if he is willing to be honest but I'm not sure if he is. I love him but I need to love me more. I want it work but I'm tired of the lack of trust, idk if I will ever be able to trust him.

Thank you for everyone who responded, I am thankful for all the clarity on the situation. 

I didn't want to question my marriage if it was something that was trivial. 

23 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

Text book act to flip you on the mat and instead of either of you acknowledging your legitimate concern. . He flips you on the mat and makes it all about him being upset.  He's thrown himself into victim mode in an attempt to gaslight you.  And it worked!   It's thrown you off balance and now wondering if you are crazy?

Your so busy dealing with his *upsetted-ness that you don't get a chance to deal with your profound disappointment and consequences of your husband seeking attention from other women.   I personally don't believe this was a one time isolated act. Where there is gas, there's fire.  This just happened to be the one you came across.

I think I would have felt better if he had just admitted to any part of it.

I even comforted him, I'm not sure what to do at this point.

I feel sick about thewhole thing

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

He was upset?  HE was upset? 

Don't you see the ridiculousness and manipulate nature of this? 

Total bs... your husband is not dumb but he must think you might be.  Who practices sex acts without it actual sex? Liars that's who.

And how is he close enough to another woman to ask her to do this? 

She declined? There must be more between them.

Think about that. Is it normal to ask a random person to practice tying me up? NO! ITS NOT.

Unless you guys are swingers or have some other arrangement in your marriage. 

You are being duped, girl. 

I know, I feel very stupid, I even comforted him. Sigh

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What inspired you to go through his phone? Were there suspicions?

Do you two belong to any BDSM groups/forums?

Where did he find this woman?

Why can't you two practice?

Join a yacht club and they'll teach both of you all about rope tying.

We met in highschool, he fooled around with an ex early on. I have had trust issues ever since then. I forgave him because he came clean immidiatly after it happened, I was also 16

We have been married for 9 years now, I guess I never really trusted him after that. He spends a lot of time online, I think he messages other women through discord and such but I have pretty low self esteem and thought for a while that this was it for me.

We do not belong to any groups, he wants us to spice things up because apparently I seem uninterested in sex but honestly I am just exhausted, I go to school and work pluse we have to children the youngest is 2.

The woman was an old ex of my brothers, not someone I thought either of us were friends with just someone we still were friends with on facebook. He sais he asked her because she seemed like she wouldn't be judgmental about it.

I asked him why we can't practice and would it be okay for me to practice sex stuff on other guys, he said obviously not and that he sees how dumb it was now.

I recently went through my husbands phone. I found messages of him messaging a girl asking her to be a rope model so that he could practice rope tying as he wants me and him to do more of that in the bedroom. I was out of town when he messaged a girl. It isn't someone that I thought would be considered a close enough friend to practice anything like that with even if he didn't have any sexual intentions with the encounter. She declined his offer but I still feel so uncomfortable that he would even think it was okay to ask someone that. He was upset that I feel like it's hard to trust that he had no hope of the interaction turning into anything sexual. Am I being crazy? I have often wondered if he is faithful to me, I just don't know what to do.