Thank you all for taking the time to answer. A lot of your comments have been very insightful. I do suffer from chronic depression. I have already completed physical therapy a while back so I’ve been working on just strengthening my affected limb.
I also work out (not like I used to before my injury but I do my best) and do some self-care when I have the time but it feels more like homework most days.
I have done some therapy in the past but I never felt comfortable discussing my relationship past or anything that intimate. I mostly talked about how I felt re work, general anxiety and relationship with my mother without sharing any really personal details. I still don’t think that I am capable of opening up in that way.
I know I probably shouldn’t be dating. It’s funny that more than one of you has mentioned that I would attract the wrong people because I’m not right myself since the last person I pushed away was actually someone I met in group therapy, has bipolar and had broken up with his girlfriend a week after we met.
I have been independent since I was 15 years old and it has been a double-edged sword in that I can get very comfortable in being alone but at the same time it feels like I’ve been alone for longer than the average person because even in my relationship that part stayed with me and it never bothered my partner how I did a lot of things without involving him, but over time I am learning that being alone loses its shine and loneliness becomes a more frequent visitor.
The other reason I felt somewhat ready for a relationship is because I’ve always done well as a partner. I’m a good listener, faithful, supportive, communicative, laid-back etc. Being in a relationship made me happy because it was something I was able to do well and not feel like a failure as I do in other parts of my life, so I thought maybe it could somehow help me fix things and maybe I can work my way backwards if I found the right person.
I will take everyone’s advice to heart and go from there though.