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SonicHighway

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  1. No, yeah, I mean, I get that. It's just... At the end of the day, she is only three months removed from a five year relationship. Regardless of anything, I don't expect that she'd just be ready to jump right into a serious relationship with me, or someone new. Yes, it's easy to say things like "If she wants it badly enough, then it doesn't matter how long she's been out of her relationship", or "People are ALWAYS open to finding true love no matter what their current situation is", but just from listening to her after the breakup, I can tell that she's still "decompressing" from her past relationship, and that she is trying to "find herself". And while I admit that perhaps I may not be well-versed in how women "let people down gently", given the relationship she and I have, I don't feel like she'd feel the need to have to "sugarcoat" anything. And while I don't think she explicitly intended to keep me "hanging onto hope", I don't think she would have expressed that she does think we could be good together, or used any kind of open language about things possibly changing in the future. She knows she can speak to me honestly and openly, and if she wanted to say "We're just friends, and I think we should keep it that way", she could have absolutely said that. As for her ex, he and I currently aren't "friends" anymore. We haven't been in contact since he moved away three months ago. Still, I do understand that it's... awkward. But she knows (and she even said as much) that me and her are closer than me and him were, and I think once we're further removed from the situation, it's certainly possible that that weirdness will fade out. I dunno. Again, while I'm not trying to look for false hope, I like to think that it's at least possible that it's just "too soon". Again, I know some can argue that there's no such thing as the "right" or "wrong time", but I disagree, because life is messy, and complicated sometimes. Knowing her as I do, I do feel like she's "not ready" (not just for me, but for anyone for anything "real"), and I feel like she'll probably end up going through something of a "rebound" phase. And perhaps it's for the best if I'm not a "rebound". Heck, maybe she, herself, even recognizes that. Still, I think it's good that I told her now, because now she knows where I stand, and when she does feel ready for something real, she knows that I do have the interest. But, again, I do realize that I'm "not well-versed" in these matters, and so perhaps my perceptions of the situation are skewed by my own personal biases.
  2. I guess. I dunno. Perhaps I'm very naïve, but I generally take her words at face value, and I feel like if she really intended to fully shut it down, she could have done so without it being "hurtful" or anything. I mean, I'm not trying to look for false hope, but personally, I don't feel like she'd have said the thing she said if she was 100% sure she wouldn't be open to it later on. But, I like I said, I realize that I'm probably overly "naïve", so, I dunno.
  3. I had a long-running thread about it, and I don't care to recount the entire background, so honestly, if you're not familiar, it's probably best to look up that old thread. Anyway, we finally had that talk, and thankfully, it wasn't the least bit awkward or weird at all, and we're still all good. For one, it turns out I wasn't crazy, as per that mutual acquaintance (the whole "Be more open" thing); apparently, said acquaintance suggested to my friend in private that we'd be really nice together. What I found more shocking, though, is what my friend dropped on me next... Apparently, when she and her ex were finishing their split, he told her that it would be "okay" if she dated me. That totally threw me for a loop. I... did not see that coming at all. Unfortunately, though, my friend felt frustrated by both of these instances of people trying to steer her on how to date. She also said that it still felt weird to her, since I was friends with both her and her ex, even if I was friends with her longer/ more. But, she did say that, thinking about it, she does think that we'd be good together on some level. But that she's lost track of what she wants in the long term, and that she doesn't feel like she's at all in the right place for something serious right now. She's more content chasing fleeting "fun" for the moment, and she said I "wouldn't want to date her right now". She seemed to kinda leave it open to the idea that things could change after some more time passes, I guess? I don't feel "bad" after this interaction at all. I mean, all things considered, it definitely could've gone a lot worse, so I'm grateful that didn't happen. Still, I've spent so long driving myself crazy wondering "What if?", and I guess I was hoping for more "closure", so that I'd have a very strong, clear case to shut those thoughts down completely. Now, I still feel like I'm going to keep holding out hope. Plus, her admitting that she thinks we could be good together (not to mention, two other people, one of which being her ex, also tried to nudge her towards me) makes my heart ache, thinking about "What could have been" if things were different. I dunno. I just can't really figure out what to make of any of this, and how to feel.
  4. In the grand scheme of things, yes, that is what I mean by "romantic scenario". But, I know that, even in a best case scenario, those things are still years away. Either way, I'm not necessarily talking about predicting the future or anything like that. All I mean is that I feel like I've failed so much and made so many bad decisions, that I just can't imagine myself doing it better any time soon, if ever. I feel like this is all I know how to be -- the me I've always been, the me that only ever fails and makes bad decisions. I've never known how to "fake it till I make it". I don't know how to be (or pretend to be) something I'm not. Well, yeah, that's the relationship/ life I would like to be able to have. I'm just not really sure I feel like I can actually have that with anyone. Like I said, I feel like my best case scenario is to make peace with a relationship that is "good enough, I guess". I'm sure I could find those if I looked a little harder. But... I dunno. I think I'm always going to pine for the idea of being with someone I really "want" to be with.
  5. I dunno. I mean, between college and work, I feel like I met plenty of different people/ women throughout my 20s. Like I said, I feel like I should've met at least one person I could've dated in that time. True, maybe I wasn't going out of my way to specifically try to find women to date, but just by the nature of school and work, I feel like I had plenty of opportunity to connect with someone. The thing is, I don't necessarily deny that I "could" still end up with someone. My concern, though, is whether I'll be able to end up with someone I'm truly happy with, or if I'll end up with someone just because they were "good enough" and I didn't feel like I had any other options. Honestly, I just can't see myself finding what I really "want". Like, just as an example, even though I know it's not going to work out, I really "want" to be with my friend that I have feelings for. There's a "want" there. Meanwhile, with my FWB, my thought is more "I'm okay with this, I guess", and while that might be fine for something casual like FWB, I'm just worried that's the kind of mentality I'm going to have in a real relationship some day, and that scares me. I want to "want" it, like the way I "want" my friend. Not just feel borderline apathetic about it. Yanno? I didn't mean it that way, in the sense that I'm "bad at making choices" so far as not wanting to make choices altogether. Rather, what I meant was that it feels like every choice I do make is the wrong one. And that I don't have faith in myself to be able to make the "right" choices to eventually end up in the romantic scenario that I truly want to be in. I'm not trying to discount anything. I just... I feel like I've put in just as much effort as any normal, average person does in their life, and yet, I'm still exactly where I am. It just feels like I'm a failure, in that sense. It's not so much that I "discount" anyone's advice, I just feel like I'm so inclined to failure and to bad decisions, that I just can't imagine anything actually working for me. Yeah, but I'm starting to suspect I may have missed the opportunity to speak up, and that I'll never have the opportunity, now, and that I'll forever regret it. She and I haven't seen each other in over a month, now, and while we haven't discussed why, I'm pretty sure it's because she's kind of taking a step back from social activities due to current covid numbers being really bad. And I don't see that changing any time soon. At this point, I don't even know that I'll see her before the year is over. By then, she could've made a "quarantine buddy" with some guy on a dating app she's on. On one hand, I feel like the last time we saw each other was "too soon" to say something, but looking back, I'm now worried that that WAS the moment, and that I've missed it. And now our friendship overall is taking a hit because of the pandemic. Yeah, it's not that I necessarily see her as the "be all, end all", it's just, the last time I knew a woman that I really "wanted" to pursue, that was over eight years ago. Almost a decade. It took me that long to find someone else I "want" to be with. That's kinda terrifying. I don't want to end up going another decade before it happens again (and possibly still in a situation where I'd get rejected). And I haven't felt this way about someone in so long, and it's been so nice riding the high of having these feelings. I'm just feeling like, if I want to end up with someone at all, I'm going to have to get over the idea of being with someone I really "want", and learn to be okay with being with someone who is "available". I guess? I dunno. In general, I don't consider myself to be a "negative" person, or anything. It's really only dating/ relationships that I'd say I feel like I'm very pessimistic about. I just can't see a way for me, personally, to make it happen. It just doesn't feel realistic to me.
  6. Either way, I freely admit, I tend to make poor choices. I don't really deny that. I've always made bad choices. To be honest, I feel like bad decisions are just what I'm inclined to. I don't blame anyone or anything else; I recognize I make bad choices at every turn. I blame me for that. Honestly, I really don't feel like I know how to make better choices. Maybe? I dunno. I just look back, and I see a past in which I've never been able to find anything even remotely "romantic" with anyone I've ever met and known. There's really no reason I shouldn't have been able to at least find one person to date and have a relationship with. There should've at least been one. I met and knew a perfectly normal amount of women throughout my 20s. Looking back at that, I just can't see a reason to believe or have faith that something could change in the future. Especially now that I struggle even harder to meet new people anymore. Well, I'm not sure about that, really. She was with a serious boyfriend for the last several years I've known her (they were together when I met her), and that didn't really stop us from being friends. I was friends with both of them. She has something of an attachment to me, and I think that attachment is strong enough that she's not going to just dump me to the curb over some guy. She's indicated to me multiple times that she hopes we're still in each other's lives for the long term. I'm sure, in the short term, she'll probably be overly distracted with the next guy she gets serious with for a while, but I think she expects it'll eventually get back to me being friends with her and her new boyfriend like I was with her and her ex. Anyway, I do plan to talk to her next time I can see her, but unfortunately, I don't know when that will be at this point. I don't know for sure, but I think we're not hanging out for a while due to covid. And by the next time I see her, she might have already met someone on one of her dating apps. So, I'm kind of assuming I probably already missed the chance to say anything to her. I dunno. We'll see what the future holds, I guess.
  7. In fairness, my feelings for her are very recent, and I've been having these dating/ relationship issues pretty much forever, even before I knew her. In any case, while my feelings are still there, we've had quite a bit of time apart (I believe due to covid), and that along with my recent "FWB" stuff has, at the very least, turned down the intensity of those feelings for the time being.
  8. I wish I knew what to say. I mean, I don't necessarily disagree with you, and I'm not going to argue with you on any of that. You're clearly a very strong person, and I respect that. I suppose that's a big part of my problem. I'm not "strong". I look back at my failure, and I just can't see anything else. I can't find the faith in myself, I can't find the strength to push forward even without that strength. And believe me, I'm incredibly disappointed in myself. I really am.
  9. Well, again, I apologize; it's not my intent to "make excuses". My only real point is that everyone's life is different, and there's no "universal" path for dating and relationships. What worked for you won't necessarily work for me, what works for person A won't necessarily work for person B, etc. Is that an "excuse"? Eh. I guess my perception is, it doesn't always matter how badly you actually want something. Of course I "want" it. I wouldn't be here, feeling so much heartache if I didn't. I just feel "beaten down" at this point. I look back and all I see is failure on my part to be able to make dating happen, to be able to connect with people romantically, etc. And with that kind of track record, I find it incredibly difficult to see how the future can be any different. I find it incredibly difficult to have any faith in myself to actually get what I "want".
  10. I know, and I'm not trying to "make excuses". It just feels difficult to find ways for me, personally, to really meet people more easily. The idea of "Maybe I'll meet someone at this thing" isn't really enough to motivate me, because I'm not extroverted or socially proactive by nature, so in most cases, the result will be, no, I will not meet someone there. To me, it makes more sense to pursue activities and whatnot that I will actually enjoy even if I don't meet someone from it. But I struggle to find such things. In any case, I'm not trying to "avoid having to do the work". It's just, it's all such a vague process with no clear "do this, and get from point A to point B" kind of path to it. I could go to every event or activity under the sun and still not meet anyone, yanno? So, it's not a matter of "making excuses" and "not wanting to work". I just don't feel like I know what the "work" actually is. I'm the type of thinker that tends to find the willpower for things that have clear steps and measurable results to them. For instance, if you want to learn something, like, I dunno, how to play an instrument, there are clear steps to be able to do that. There are classes, books, video tutorials, and all kinds of resources, and as long as you educate yourself and put in your best efforts, you'll at least learn the basics. But dating, relationships, etc., there's no real process like that. It's all random. You can do everything right and still end up alone. Someone else can do everything "wrong" and still find multiple people to date. There's no real rhyme or reason to any of it. And I get that, I get that that's just how some aspects of life are. But I just don't feel like I have what it takes to be successful in that type of scenario.
  11. I've really never understood how other people I've known have been able to find and meet people to date, because I can't say anyone I've ever known as seemed all that "active". Like, as far as I know, most people I've known have lived pretty standard lives, with fairly standard routines. They work a full time job, they spend time with friends and family, and maybe have a little hobby or two. I can't say I've really known anyone more "active" than that; I've never known anyone that fills up all their time with things like volunteer work, and doing lots of interesting and exciting activities that let you meet lots of people. I've never understood that. Admittedly, right now, I don't have any avenues to meet new people anymore. I work full time, I have a handful of hobbies that are really just solo activities I do from home, and I occasionally spend time with my friend (which used to be a more frequent part of my routine when she was still with her ex). The thing is, there's not really much of anything I have any kind of a strong interest in to get out there and go do, just for the sake of doing it. I've looked over stuff like Meetup, I've looked at local event listing stuff for my city, etc., but there's just nothing that ever really strikes my interest. I'm a very introverted and reserved kind of guy, I'm a bit of a "homebody". I dunno. I mean, obviously I know I'm not going to "meet" someone if I'm not out in the world where people are, I get that, but it just feels harder than ever to find ways to meet people. Not to mention, with the pandemic, it's probably not really going to be safe to be mingling for several months, yet, if not even longer. And even then, even if I am out somewhere meeting people, there's still the issue that I never really "connect" with anyone as more than acquaintances. So, I don't know. I just feel totally "lost", and I can't even begin to see a path to finding someone. I figured, at least using the dating apps for the last couple months was SOMETHING, as far as trying to meet and interact with new women, especially while we're all stuck dealing with the pandemic. But matches were so sparse, and conversations mostly went nowhere, there were no connections, and now new matches are practically non-existent. So, even that has been a non-starter. I just don't know.
  12. Ah. I misunderstood. My bad. Still, in general, I feel like most people will have more "options" than I will, regardless. It's not even so much "social media bragging" or anything, it's just having witnessed so many people through the years being in relationships and whatnot. And yes, I know, "most" relationships end up coming to an end rather than being "forever". Even still, it amazes me that people can so easily find someone to be in a relationship with for several months, or even several years. Even if that relationship ends, that's still a nice chunk of time that you get to spend being with someone that you like and care about for that period of time. I've known a lot of different people over the last 10-12 years, and I can't say I've ever met someone like myself who just couldn't date at all. Pretty much everyone I've known has been able to date, be in relationships, and find people they connect with and enjoy being with, even if only for a time. Even looking now at people I used to know years ago, so many are married, with families, or at least in what appears to be some kind of loving and committed relationship. Heck, even if she was unhappy for a bit, even my friend was with someone for five years up until she finally decided he just wasn't the one. I can't even find someone I could go on a few dates with, let alone be in a relationship with for months or years. And yeah, okay, "anything can happen", and maybe 10, 15, 20 years down the line, I'll finally find someone, but I'm just so tired of being alone right now. I'm tired of feeling like there just isn't someone out there for me. I'm tired of not getting to experience that kind of connection with another person. It's just... sad. Makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. And I know that there's not, er, not necessarily, but it's just hard to see all of this and not wonder "Why not me? Why never me?". Well, that part you quoted, I meant specifically about me and my current friend that I feel something for. But in general, I do find it incredibly difficult to believe I can have the kind of relationship with anyone that I really "want". I just can't see it, unfortunately.
  13. Well, "picky" or not, it doesn't appear to me like there are any women to "go after" for what I "really want". Or if they are, I sure as heck don't know how or where to find them.
  14. Perhaps, but is there really much to any of these things? I haven't had the chance to actually talk to my friend but it's likely that will lead to nothing. The one date I did go on last month amounted to nothing and I haven't met anyone new to try going on dates with. And even with my current "FWB" woman, that could easily fizzle out at any moment (especially since she and I aren't super local, so traveling might eventually erode interest). Right now, this "FWB" thing is really the only thing I have going on, and it's iffy enough that it could easily go away, and if/ when it does, I'm back to not really having anything. Granted, that's not to be overly negative or pessimistic about these things. I'm just not sure I really look at these situations and feel like I have an "abundance of options". At the end of the day, I have feelings for a friend I likely can't be with, I went on one date that amounted to nothing, and I'm currently engaging with a woman I met online in a possibly questionable "long distance FWB" type situation. So, I dunno. I don't really think of it as "If I can't have my friend, I can't have anyone". It's just... Okay, so, I haven't really been thinking about "dating" in a very long time. 4+ years, I'd estimate. I had put it out of my mind, I wasn't thinking about it, I wasn't dwelling on it, I wasn't allowing myself to feel that sense of "loneliness", I was just trying to focus on what I did have, and getting through my day to day life as it came to me. I'd put it out of my mind, and I was doing fine, I think. When I started having feelings for my friend, it's like the "flood gates" opened up in my head, and I've not been able to stop thinking about my "loneliness", and my desire for human companionship. And with my friend, I felt like we're already sort of "halfway there"; we're really good friends, really close, we seem to care about and value each other quite a bit. Being able to take that into something more just seems so wonderful, like exactly what I'd want. So, it's difficult and painful having to accept that that's just "fantasy" that likely can't ever happen in real life. And I know she'll undoubtedly be able to find someone sooner rather than later. I'd be shocked if she's not in a new relationship by January or February. She'll find someone that she's happy and excited with, and has all of those things with, and she'll start building a life with someone, and I'll... still be here, exactly where I am, alone, with no real options or prospects on the horizon. This combination of thoughts had been weighing on me quite heavily for the last few weeks... Knowing that I can't truly be with my best friend, realizing how very "lonely" I am for that kind of companionship, feeling like I have no real options, knowing I'll have to watch the person I really want to be with right now build a life with someone else while I remain alone... It's been keeping me in a pretty low place. This FWB situation kind of came out of nowhere, and while it's certainly not what I "want" in the long term, it's been a solid distraction (at least up until the last couple of days). She's been making me feel good about myself, she's been helping me feel excited, we've been having fun, I haven't been "thinking' much about anything else... But now that the "newness" is wearing off, everything is kind of hitting me, and I'm starting to take a step back and actually process what's been going on over the last couple of weeks. And I'm just feeling weird about all of it. I don't know what, if anything, will come of this FWB situation. Maybe we'll keep it going and eventually meet up and have sex. Maybe we'll keep chatting but it'll gradually decline and we'll fizzle out. I don't know. But it's "more" than what I had before, even if it's not what I really "want". What I "want" feels impossibly out of reach, and if I can't have what I "want", I dunno, I guess I just figure maybe I need to learn to be happy with what is available to me, even if it's not what I was hoping for or expecting. I dunno.
  15. She and I have video chatted several times, now, so I know she's not "catfishing" me or anything like that. We may not have physically been in the same room together yet, but we've been "face to face" on video "dates". And I know that she is poly, but not "romantic"; she currently has another FWB, and prior to covid, she is involved in a local kink community, and had an active sex life as part of that. I think if she were lying about herself to try to sucker me in, she probably wouldn't have went with that sort of "story". That said, it's true that I don't know whether her "excitement" to me is genuine or if she's just telling me things I want to hear, for some reason unbeknownst to me. I admit, I'm pretty naïve to this kind of thing in general, but it feels nice for someone to be giving me this kind of attention. It's certainly possible I could be being "suckered in" to something, and I wouldn't necessarily notice the glaring "red flags" if they were there. I don't necessarily get any "bad vibes" from her, she seems "genuine" from what I can tell. But I'd admit, it does feel strange that she seems so "excited" about me in such a short period of time. Then again, with her being poly, she's only really been seeing her one FWB for the last several months, so perhaps she's just really excited to find someone new to add to her mix? I dunno. Well, no, but that's different. She's a likable woman; she has more options than I could even imagine, because there's probably an endless amount of guys that would jump at the chance to date her, and all she really has to do is sift through them and find one that she likes a lot. Which, sure, will probably take some time and not be super easy. But she still has all of those plentiful options. Me, I don't really have "options". And don't get me wrong, I don't consider myself to be an "unattractive" kind of guy or anything like that, but at the same time, there isn't exactly an endless supply of women that would jump at the chance to date me, yanno? It's incredibly rare for me to even find someone that I can be more than an "acquaintance" with, let alone be something more than friends with. I don't feel like I have the liberty of "having options". I feel like I have to take what I can get, because there just isn't much of anything out there for me. I mean, like I said, I've spent a lot of time trying to figure this kind of thing out in the past, and all I can really come up with are very general things that aren't so easy to "quantify". The most I can really say is that I want someone who is my "best friend", someone I can talk about anything with, someone I can laugh with, someone I can go on little "adventures" with, someone I can be completely honest and open and comfortable with, someone I can share affection and intimacy with (both physically and mentally/ emotionally), someone in which we share a mutual excitement about each other, etc. That's all I can really come up with. Beyond that, I got nothing. I don't feel like I have a "type", or anything like that. It kind of just feels like a "I'll know it when I see it" kind of thing, but thus far, that's only really happened twice in my life. And neither time has amounted to anything more than friendship. So... I don't know. For the most part, I never really feel any sense of personal attraction to women that I meet or come across. And I mean that in a mutual way. It's like, everyone I encounter is just an "acquaintance" at best. That's not to say I've had "bad" or "negative" experiences with anyone, nor that I feel disinterested, per se, but... there's just never anything there between me and anyone else. I admit, it's been a couple years, now, since I've had ways to meet and interact with new people in the "real world", but for the previous 10+ years, that is my experience with the many people (including women) that I'd met all throughout my 20s. Nothing between us, I mean. I've been trying to give an honest shot to online dating/ dating apps for the last couple of months, but even then, there's just never really anything there. Matches for me are few and far between, and when they do happen, the conversations don't amount to much. I did manage to go on a single date last month, and it was okay, but again... Just nothing there. From what I can see, most people have a much easier time finding others that they feel "excited" about or attracted to, and even if those relationships don't end up leading to lifelong partnerships, most people seem to be able to date and have relationships with relative ease. Me, I don't really get it. I couldn't make any progress on that at all throughout my 20s, and now it's starting to feel like my 30s are starting to fly by, too. It's just frustrating, because it really doesn't feel like what I "want" is ever going to happen for me. I just can't see it.
  16. Well, I wasn't really "thinking" much about this FWB thing. Since it started, I've just been "going with it" and indulging in the fun of it, but it happened so quickly, and it just started catching up with me over the last couple of days. I wouldn't necessarily say I "lack faith in humanity" or anything so dire. It's just, it really feels to me like what I really "want" either just doesn't exist, or that I'll never be able to figure out how to find it. Is casual sex/ FWB what I "want"? Well, no. It's not. But... what else do I really have at this point?
  17. I mean, it isn't. But it's more than I've ever had before. It's "different". It's a new experience. It's someone that's attracted to me, someone that's sexually excited about me, someone that's giving me attention that wants my attention as well. Eh. I've always been trying to figure out what my "musts" are, but I can't really define it, unfortunately. I've only really been attracted (as far as wanting a serious relationship with) to two different women in my life, and between them, I can't really draw any similarities. They're both very different people. I can't even begin to figure out where such a woman would exist, or how I'd go about finding her. I just... don't know. I don't know.
  18. Well, it's more that I'm just not so sure what I "want" is really realistic or likely at all. I'm already early 30s, and I've not really even come close to finding that yet. I'm just... tired, and lonely, and frustrated. I don't know. I just want something, anything, at this point. Having to "compartmentalize" aspects of what I want across different people certainly isn't ideal, and in the long run, probably not very fulfilling. But it's something. And I don't know what else to do at this point.
  19. I mean, casual sex/ FWB isn't something I would've pursued on my own, and in the long run, it's not what I "want". But this connection she and I have developed is fun and exciting, and I, myself, don't see her as someone I want to be in a "relationship" with. In the long run, I would prefer to be in a proper relationship, but I'm not so sure I believe I'll find someone that will be what I'm looking for, and it seems like maybe I can at least "compartmentalize" the things I'm looking for across different people. I dunno. Well, I don't mean "my everything" in the sense of "my whole world"; all I'm saying is that I always dreamed of having a partner that is my best friend, my lover, someone I can be my truest self with, someone who I can talk with and laugh with and be flirty with, someone who wants me as much as I want them. But I don't know. Can I have all of those things with someone? It sure doesn't seem like it, from what I've seen in my life. So, I don't know, maybe it just makes more sense to look for those things across different people instead of hoping to find one person that can be all of those things. Yeah. I dunno. I'm just tired of being "alone", and at this point, I'm just so desperate to have "something" with someone. And it just doesn't feel like what I want is out there. Or if it is, I can't imagine being able to find it. I'm just tired of it. Well, in this case, the way she and I met online wasn't initially about something happening between she and I. We met on a forum, not unlike this one, talking about sex and relationship troubles. She mentioned something to me about the "kink" community being a potential way for me to explore sex. I reached out to her privately to ask her more about that stuff and her involvement, then things got flirty between us, and it just exploded from there. I know from the get go that she's poly and not monogamous, and active in her local kink community. So, I have no expectations or interest in something more than FWB .
  20. I do intend to meet her, yes. Not really trying to make it "complicated". It's just, it all happened so out of nowhere for me, and I never really took a step back and processed it and thought about it. What she and I have is very fun and exciting, and it's very stimulating, and I want to indulge in sex with her. It's just that there's that part of me in my brain that doesn't like thinking about anything but the "bigger picture". Yeah, she and I are going to meet eventually. We haven't entirely worked it out; we're not "local", but we're also not really very far apart, either. We're both leery of traveling at the moment because the covid numbers are so bad right now, but we're both very interested in getting together at some point.
  21. Well, she and I are planning to eventually meet in person and have a sexual relationship. I was leery at first, but we've been in frequent contact and had numerous video chat dates that have each lasted hours, and I don't get any bad vibes from her. And she definitely wants me that way, so if I want to make it happen, I most certainly can. I guess, but I didn't really think of it as "giving up", so much as questioning if maybe my previous views were unrealistic. To me, it doesn't necessarily feel realistic to meet someone that could be "everything" for me. I just can't really imagine that. You know? In my 30+ years of life, I've never encountered that. Everyone is always just a little of this or that, but never everything. As much as I WANT someone who is "everything", it just doesn't feel real. I dunno. I guess I'm just trying to figure out if it's so bad if I indulge in these sort of "fragments" of interpersonal relationships. Having a FWB for the sexual and "passionate" aspects, having a good friend to always have a strong bond with, etc.
  22. I've had a weird last couple of months. So, it started when I developed strong feelings for my best friend of four years (I still haven't talked to her about it, but not because I don't want to, but rather, it's just been difficult seeing each other due to pandemic numbers getting bad, but I still want to talk to her about it next time I can). But, knowing that things with her are a huge long shot at best, I've been trying to turn my attention elsewhere and try to find a dating/ relationship scenario that can actually happen for me (for what it's worth, I'm early 30s, and have never dated or been involved in any way with anyone at all). I've been using dating apps, and it amounted to one date with someone, and it was okay but nothing more came of it. Things slowed down for me significantly there, though. Then, a couple weeks ago, I met someone online and we clicked via messaging pretty fast. But, we're going in the direction of "friends with benefits". And honestly, I'm okay with that. She's poly and not interested in "romantic relationships", and while I like her a bit, I don't see her as someone I want to pursue for a "relationship". But we've been in constant contact, we've had numerous "video dates", and while we haven't seen each other in person to actually sleep together, we've kinda already done everything else under the sun. It's fun and exciting, and I don't mind this "FWB" scenario in general. Thing is, I've been feeling pensive, the last couple days. Because I like where things are going, but at the same time, I'm not sure how I feel about how every relationship seems "imperfect". Like, with my FWB, it's fun and exciting and flirty and there's a definite sexual spark there, but we're not going to be more than FWB. And with my friend, there's a strong connection there, and we want the same things out of dating and relationships, but I suspect she won't be attracted to me to make dating an actual possibility. I dunno. I wish I could have all of those good things in one person that I could be with. People talk about "compromise" a lot in dating and relationships. Is this one of those instances, where you just kind of have to accept that no one person will ever be able to fulfill all of those things? I'm just unsure of how I feel about everything, and I'm still trying to unpack it and process it.
  23. Honestly, I'm at a point where I feel that talking to her wouldn't necessarily hurt the friendship, and feeling that way, I'll probably bite the bullet and say something either next time we hang out, or if she says something that gives me reason to take pause, then maybe the time after that. Granted, I don't know when I'll see her next, as our get togethers are usually 2-3 weeks apart. But yes, I do think I will speak up very soon.
  24. Not really any "consequences"; she asked a very vague question to me that seemed peculiar, and nothing in my answer was anything "bad" for the friendship. I was more confused by the question than anything else. All I'm saying is, she's awkward, I get the sense she also doesn't want to push me away in general, and she even specifically told me she doesn't like having to initiate things with guys. So, again, I'm not trying to give myself hope, I just don't feel this is as simple as "If she wanted to be with you, she'd get with you".
  25. Yeah, I mean, I do get what you're saying. I just... I like to think everyone is different, some people are awkward, and some people just have different ways of thinking. Part of me wonders if she just really doesn't know if I'd be interested, and is trying not to pursue something because she doesn't really know where I'm at. Like... I know you'll say I'm reading too much into things, and you're probably right. But, this past weekend, she playfully wanted to get me drunk, and I allowed her to do so. And while I was still clearly intoxicated, she asked me a peculiar question out of the blue that made me feel like she was maybe trying to figure out what I think of her.
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