thelogride

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Unfriend and stop looking at her social media.

If I wanted to lose weight would you recommend I eat pizza and chocolate cake every day? If I wanted to stop drinking would you suggest I go hang out at a bar?

You need to be your own best friend here. Instead of doing things you know will hurt you.

How about making plans with some friends? NOT the ones who introduced you. Some other friends. Keep busy and you won't have time to cyber stalk.

I’m finally making plans again rather than keep to myself. Going out golfing with my friends tomorrow so that should be nice. Im also in the works of purchasing a house so that’s really been distracting me. Lots to be thankful for in life and shouldn’t let one simple woman let me forget that 

After being away from here for a couple of days, I seem to be struggling more today than I have been in the last 2 days. I’m still doing better than I was 2 weeks ago, but am still finding myself thinking of this girl. Why do I care to know what she’s doing? It has no impact on my life and I know this, yet I’m driven to know by checking her socials. Makes me feel like a lunatic. It’s officially now been longer not talking to her than the entire time where we were talking, if that says anything about how easily I got attached. We’re still friends on everything but haven’t spoken since Sunday, which I guess is great on my part. I was honestly expecting her to reach out even though she has no real reason to, but I’m sure that’s my “hopeful instinct” still thinking. I keep telling myself I need to be with someone who WANTS to be with me and it’ll make life so much easier instead of chasing someone who doesn’t. I also have been asking myself this… if this woman was to come around and reach out and say she’s had a change heart and wants to get to know me better, would I take her up on the offer. I like to think I would say no, but I know right now I would say yes. That’s not the right way to think by thinking she would ever come around, because she won’t. But it’s just a thought that I had earlier. I know she’s been extra keeping to herself this week but obviously I don’t know why. I’m sure she has her own things going on and her life isn’t all perfect like I think it is in my mind. We all have our own battles to fight daily. I just wish I could forget about her and move forward 😞 I truly mean that. 

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Perhaps discuss with your therapist if you may have codependent tendencies. Codependent people will do whatever they think other people want, even if it hurts them. They will do things that are upsetting, things they're afraid to do, things they think are morally wrong and even bankrupt themselves in order to "help" others. At their core is a fear of being abandoned or unloved. They fear if they don't do everything for everyone, no one will love them.

She was fine before you two met and she's fine now. She has your friend's girlfriend to talk to and probably plenty of others. Yeah, she likes having you available because you're a fan and it felt good for her ego to know someone thought she was the shizz. But that doesn't require you to continue to allow her unlimited access to you. Especially once she starts dating and wants to tell you all about the awesome new guy she just met. After all, that what friends talk about, right?

If you don't look out for yourself who's going to? 

Thank you for the confirmation, I needed this support with your comment. The absolute last thing I want to do is to be her bff and hear her talk about guys she likes or is dating or going to date. Absolutely no chance, I would be full of resent if I allowed that to happen. I do want her to be happy, I really do because I care about her. I think she’s a great woman. But I can’t be a mental punching bag in that sense where I know darn well she would take advantage of that probably to boost her ego. That being talking to me about other guys.. no thank you. I’m sure she’s doing just fine and has others to talk too as well. I’m sure she isn’t feeling the same things that I’m feeling about her so she’s already in a better position than I am. I’m sure she’s doing just fine. 

I do have one thing that for some reason is just really weighing on me, and I can’t explain why. I know I already mentioned this, but I’m feeling realllly guilty and like a horrible person for not wanting to be her “friend”. I have no problem with being on good terms and say hi if I bumped into her at the store, but I can’t be her best friend and talk to her everyday like we were. Am I wrong for this?? I sure feel guilty.. and I don’t know why. 

I’ll also add that this girl is very much too herself and has a small friend group and has probably some of the best morals that you could ever want in a girl. That’s what I see though, so it’s obviously from my perspective. I think she’s a real catch just based on those qualities. But, even with those qualities, that doesn’t make it a match. I’m sure there’s thousands of girls out there who match the exact same qualities I just mentioned. I also know that I’m not the only one struggling with this too.. I know she is as well and also with her past relationship too, probably struggling more so with that. One of the last things she said to me was “do you think I haven’t been/am at war in my own mind with everything too?” I know she’s struggling as well trying to find herself and her path. We both are at different points in our lives where I’m looking for my forever person and she has no idea what she wants because she’s still recovering from her breakup. 
 

With saying all of that, I do think and know she’s been thinking a lot about things and I’m sure I weigh on her mind too from time to time. Probably not like she weighs on my mind, but I’m sure it’s still there. I know I need to remove her from my thoughts and move forward even though right now that’s difficult because I was so in love with the idea of what could’ve been. 

13 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

Having just caught up on this a few things come to mind.

Saying you hid your tendency to attach quickly is part of the problem.  No matter how much you 'fake it 'til you make it', people can read this on you. That and your admitted low self esteme. Please know this.  She may have enjoyed getting to know you initially and when she sensed your intensity, she realized it wasn't for her. 

The conversation where you apologized and offered friendship seem to soften her.  She appears to be needing a friend in her life right now.  But when you doubled down immediately with "friends for the time being with the possibility of more in the future' she immediately flipped.   A woman who was brave enough to tell you no and is now fully aware that you are her friend with an agenda is going to make her rethink the friendship.  Because as others have pointed it, it really isn't just a friendship.

You continued to get stuck on her words that didn't make sense.  You overcomplicate things when it was pretty simple.  She was enthusiastic at the start and at some point something changed.  It happens all the time.  I've met men in my life that I thought were lovely, but for what ever reason . .some I can't for the life of me put my finger on, there was something missing.  I wished it differently and we went our different ways.  I always thought highly of them and the lack of chemistry or timing took absolutely nothing away from them.  I've been on the other end of this as well.  It happens all the time.  Get comfortable with it.

You go on further with a little bitterness and I get that's the disappointment talking.  To be expected.  But your tone is that of someone who's kindness was taken advantage of and given mixed messages.  But everything you shared, she was very clear on her feelings towards you.  Don't forget, you were one the one that offered friendship and she accepted your offer.  But again, you doubled down with a motive which forced her to reinforce what she already made perfectly clear.  Noone took advantage of you.  I'm sorry if these words are strong, but owning your responsibility for your tendency to only listen to things you want to hear and failing to look at the bigger picture won't serve you well.  

 

I understand and agree with you completely. Everything you said is true and accurate. I did over complicate things by only looking at bits and pieces that I wanted to look at and hold onto the hope. Now, I honestly did want to be her friend because I really do like this girl and care for her, much like she cares for me. After thinking about it though and continuing to talk to her, I had a change of mind and did what’s best for me by saying I don’t think I can be friends in the capacity that we are now. I would simply be devastated talking to her daily and see her with another man. It’s nothing against her, but I’m saving myself from the inevitable hurt. I think I have the right to change my mind too, no? She was straight forward from the beginning and still gave me an opportunity with time to think about things and see what happened. That’s totally fair and she doesn’t owe me anything. Just like how I changed my mind about being close friends, she could very well change her mind too with my absence now and say hey, maybe he IS the guy I need. My point being is we both can change our minds, and being her close friend is definitely not in my best interest. I’m looking out for myself. I told her I couldn’t be friendzoned because of this reason, and she didn’t like that at all. But, I can’t be her “best friend” and continue talking to her daily. I’m not in the right state of mind to do that as much as I love talking to her. 

24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So a good lesson to learn is how to walk away. If someone is "constantly" cheating on you, why would you remain in the relationship? To "get" her to love you and only you? Why do you crave the love of a cheater? And someone who doesn't want to spend time with you? Again, why remain in the relationship? To "get" her to want to spend time with you?

You seen to only be interested in women who make things difficult for you. And the ones who clearly do like you, you aren't interested. 

Why is that? Do you believe love is something you have to "fight" for in order for it to mean anything? Do you believe if you can get the difficult ones to love you, it means you're worth loving? 

This dynamic is unhealthy. I'm glad you're seeking therapy because your actions are driving away the very thing you say you want, which is a secure relationship with a loving, committed partner who truly wants to be with you.

So usually I’m the one who’s hesitant to get into a relationship. My very first girlfriend basically did all the work to get me to date her because I had no interest. She really showed me she was interested and I said why not. Almost every girl I talk to I’m very hesitant, but once I commit I’m all in. It’s like I have no in between, I’m either not interested or you’re the woman of my life that I’ve been waiting for. It’s not right I know, but seems to be how I think and feel. I would love nothing more than for someone to want me as much as I want them, and I somehow convince myself that the girls who show obvious red flags are the ones worth having. I’m ass backwards with that I know, and I don’t know why I continue to put myself in painful situations when I darn well know what the outcome is going to be. Like when my first gf cheated on me, I stayed with her. Why would I do that??? I think I was so used to her and I couldn’t imagine life without her. That’s not the way to think because it’s almost as if I put all of my eggs in one basket. 

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

That is a very wrong way to look at things. And to assess your own self-worth based on somebody else preferences. I have a friend that only values physical(and for a guy to have a long hair from some reason). Some girls prefer "bad guys". Somebody to treat them bad while they are on never ending quest to "change them". Now imagine thinking you are not worth it. Because somebody is superficial and wont give you a chance. Or because you wont treat them bad.

Your own self-worth comes from you. You need to see yourself as "good enough" and as "worthy" of dating. And to work on that if you dont see that. What somebody else preference is, that is not your concern and the measure of your worth. Somebody doesnt want you? OK, their loss, somebody else will. Is it dissapointing and demoralizing sometimes? Sure. But shouldnt stop you in just moving on and try with somebody else. 

Why are you so caught up? Well, frankly, I think its because you get caught up in "potential". You saw some potential there and got caught there. Ignoring red flags and tangling yourself more in the process. Not everybody that we meet and talk are a good match for us. You want somebody who wants to go on a date with you. And yet you got caught up on a person who said to you "That would be like a date so that is a no." when you asked her to go for ice cream. Dont be afraid to just walk away. There is no shame in that and it will shorten a periods like this. When you get caught in wanting to date somebody just because you saw something in them, even though signs show you arent a good match. 

I do think past relationships have really had a bad impact on me. I’ve had two serious girlfriends and they both ended in disaster. One of them (my first one) was constantly cheating on me and made me fee responsible for that. That really made me feel like I wasn’t enough and destroyed my self-esteem. The second one was just so strange.. we were dating yet she hardly ever wanted to see me. She would always make excuses and we would hang out maybe once every couple of weeks. That relationship blew up too because I was wanting more. This is all my experience with having an actual girlfriend, and they both were horrible experiences. 

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Talk all day and be "flirty" over an electronic device or...a woman you can spend time with in person, hold hands, kiss, cuddle, share experiences with, go places with...which do you prefer? Someone you have to lurk around and wait and hope she'll change her mind and decide to go on a date with you, or someone who knows for a fact she wants to date you and be with you.  Which sounds better?

And remember, SHE is not right for YOU. She wanted to waste time on electronic devices. What a turn off, IMO.

Great perspective. I’d much prefer the latter as opposed to being chained to a phone wondering wth is actually going on and hoping it can turn to something legitimate. 
 

Can I ask you something.. you say she isn’t right for me. What makes you say that? Because she was the one who turned me down so would I not be right for her? Granted, she gave me NOTHING that’s even somewhat compelling and attractive other than being flirty and chatty. I have no reason to even feel this way about her, I shouldn’t even give her a second thought in all honesty. 

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You can change your behavior so you're not contributing to your own low self esteem. Pursuing women who are 12 hours away and who you never met in person or continuing to spend hours a day messaging and talking to a woman who already declined your invitation for a date isn't going to make your self esteem better. 

However, think about how it would feel if you're playing on a sports team or volunteering or at an event and you strike up a conversation with a nice, attractive young woman. And she offers you her number or asks you out for coffee. Wouldn't that feel good?

As long as you don't make the same mistake and start a bunch of nonsense messages that go on for hours and days but instead call her and ask her out or accept her invitation for coffee. Change your behavior and you can change your life.

Yeah the woman 12 hours away was just stupid on my part. I don’t even know what I was doing and thankfully now I don’t care about that anymore lol. Yes, the current girl I’m stuck on did decline a date right away yet still would want to talk all day and be flirty. While she did say she wasn’t looking for a relationship at this time, she was very flirty and mentioned “we’ll see what the future holds”. That’s truly what fueled my hope in all honesty. I know what it’s like fresh off a breakup and honestly thought she just needed time. And honestly, who knows what the future holds. I may never speak to her again or she may emerge from the shadows and come out of nowhere. More than likely she will not want to try things, but you get my point. 
 

It would feel good to find someone who’s genuinely interested and WANTS to go on a date and wants to be with me. That would be wonderful. I don’t know why I’m so caught up on someone that I can’t have who doesn’t reflect the above.. I just hate thinking that she’s probably out on a date right now with someone and I wasn’t good enough to take to her on a date. I hope that last sentence makes sense, it honestly makes me feel demoralized. I am in my feels tonight so sorry for the negativity, but I know I’m getting better. Thank the Lord we weren’t actually dating and went on multiple dates etc, because I would be distraught. 

19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Good things don't come easy. Otherwise, what value would the right relationship have? However, that saying doesn't mean "keep pursuing someone who's clearly stated or otherwise shown they're not interested". 

As for "playing", are you in this for games? Or to meet the right woman?

No games, the right woman. I think I need to give myself more credit and have some esteem as well and tell myself that if they aren’t straightforward or want to play games then I deserve better. My self esteem is very low. 

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But definitely don't waste hours and hours on an electronic device with a woman. That creates a false sense of connection and intimacy. 

Meet in person,ask for a date. If she says some version of "no" then move on. 

There are literally thousands of pretty, nice young women out there. Go outside and look around, they're everywhere. Many of them will like you and be eager and delighted to date you.

I think that’s great advice.. thank you so much. I know I put a lot of thought into digital communication, and clearly I do get a false sense of connection and security as we have just seen. 
 

Sometimes the term “playing hard to get” or “good things don’t come easy” come into my mind and make me think it’s worth pursuing someone who’s not immediately interested. I think I need to lose those sayings from my vocabulary. 

41 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Boltnrun makes excellent points.  I’ll add that doctor Phil always said never ever try to convince someone to be with you. 
you’re analyzing something that defies analysis. Many people choose not to go on a first second third fourth date - sometimes a specific reason.  Sometimes just because. Sometimes it’s someone else. Sometimes it’s the dream of someone else.

You’re approaching this as if you deserve a second chance if someone isn’t into you after a date or a couple of dates because you’re a nice person and you are really into the person.  Doesn’t work that way. This is dating. Not a business interaction.  dating requires a thick skin.
The only reason I worked on my thick skin and put up with the disappointments and stress and frustration is because  I was in it for finding the right person to marry plus the opportunity to try for a biological child. (Or adopt as needed ). the many years of work and stress and some tears and pulling my hair out at times was worth it only because of the forever goal.
 I never ever felt angry or frustrated because a man decided not to ask me out again.  Never felt I somehow deserved another chance. There are no such entitlements in dating. I was subject to men who persisted and were angry with me. One of them harassed me on email after thanking me for my honesty for saying no to a third date and explaining it was because I wasn’t feeling chemistry.
 

Then he was really angry that I’d talked with him on the phone an hour at a time over about a weeks time. On reflection he thought I’d led him on. And sent me email after email venting at me.  quite unhinged and scary. Then he apologized and wanted to be friends.  (Nope) 

Then my future husband called me “hey you know how we were going to meet for a quick dinner while I’m in town ?  Well tonight works all of a sudden - want to meet?”  My thought : yes!!! Because if you have dinner with an ex fiancé he probably won’t ask about dating life. Sparks flew.  One month later we got back together.  See how randomly it can happen ??  I was shocked at the sparks and he was too. And I was a little surprised I felt nothing for Unhinged Dude but it was partly because on our second date he was creepily clingy.  
good luck to you !

This just proves to show that absolutely anything can happen, and you’re right it does take thick skin to date and I’ll be the first to say I don’t have that thick of skin lol. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it’s not intentional, just part of who I am but I know there’s efforts I can make to get thicker skin. 
 

here’s what I do know, and something I’ve always told myself and live by (even tho right now I’m not necessarily living by it): it’ll happen when you least expect it. I know you can’t force it and I know that’s basically what I’ve been doing here by hoping and trying to “convince” this girl that we do click. I know it doesn’t work that way. I could go to the gas station right now and bump into someone as the fuel pump and that could be all there is to it.. nothing forced. I could get in fender bender with a lady and we hit it off. That’s unlikely, but you get my point. I know that if I put myself first, and focus on bettering myself, then the woman will come when I least expect it. I need to do better. 

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

She  thinks you're a wonderful person and probably are. However that doesn't equate to ready, willing or able to date or viewing you in BF sort of way.

I like to think I’m wonderful 😉 I definitely know I have a big heart and wear it on my sleeve. I know whoever I end up with I’ll treat with unconditional love. If it’s meant to be it’ll be with anyone out there. 

18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I am not attracted to him. And I'm not going to lie to him and pretend I am. He deserves someone who is really into him, not someone who has to try to convince herself to get attracted to him.

I don't know why anyone would want someone who had to "try" to want to be with them.

That’s fair, and I guess that proves not everyone is for everybody no matter how you put it. 

26 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm glad you're going to be working with a therapist. I see a psychologist and she has been very helpful in getting me to see clearly. My issues are different but I still think it will be helpful.

I'm also glad you can see that it's possible for someone to be nice and pretty and sweet but not right for you, and to see that this woman probably thinks about you the same way. Just like my friend, he's a great guy and he's a nice looking man and he's a lot of fun but he's just not the right one for me.

Can I ask you a more personal question about this guy that you refer to? You say all these nice things about him and your friends clearly think he’s the real deal.. how do you know what he has to offer you? Maybe he would care for you like no other guy on the earth, wouldn’t you want to give him a chance to see? And maybe you did give him a chance, I’m sorry if I’m missing information you’ve already given. 
 

the reason I ask this is because much like me where this girl thinks so highly of me and speaks that way to her friends, I feel like that would equate to wanting to give that person a legitimate chance to see where things can go. It’s like there’s all of these positive signs, yet not wanting to even go with it. It just doesn’t seem to make much sense to me, but that’s clearly what I don’t understand. 

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This is key.

It seems, despite you saying you want to meet the right woman, that you consider a woman to be "right" if she gives you a lot of attention in the form of messages and phone calls. You say you've communicated a lot with other women but didn't become fixated on them. Is that because they hadn't told you "no"? This woman declined a date with you, yet you still continue to feel attached to her. What is it about being told "no" that gets you so interested?

If you can find out why it's the ones you can't meet in person or date that get you so attached I think you'll be able to make better choices.

I was very interested well before she said no, and was devastated when she did say no. I guess it’s for the same reason I didn’t get attached to other girls that I’ve been with, I just wasn’t as interested as I thought and carried on my way. Looking back at some of these girls, they’re great people and sometimes I wish I would’ve given them a chance but didn’t. They’re now in relationships of their own and I’m happy for them, but at the time I wasn’t too interested. You could say this is the exact same thing with this girl and what she thinks of me. Just not interested. There’s just something about being showered with compliments and kind words and mutual respect that I can cling to quickly.. I’m not sure why. You’ll be happy to hear that I’ve been in contact with a therapist and am going to go back and try it out again. 

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I told you the story about my friend AND about the guy I tried dating. I gave the second guy a "real chance" and it just wasn't there. I can't give you a concrete reason why. There were some things about his personality I found I didn't care much for, but that was pretty much the only thing I can point out. My friends thought I was nuts for ending it, but I couldn't see the point of continuing to date someone I wasn't really interested in.

No reason to be down on yourself. You gave it a shot, turns out she isn't the right one for you. Nothing wrong with you. It just wasn't a match.

I know not everyone clicks together and that’s why we have the power of free will to decide for ourselves. She did seem truly interested and then changed her mind, which IS fine I know but hard to understand. I know everyone keeps saying I did nothing wrong, but I can’t help but feel like I’m not good enough or I did something wrong. She said I’m such a great person and she loves talking to me and I’m so attractive, but when it came down to it we just aren’t a match and she’s not interested in dating. That is a valid answer I know, but hard to come to terms with. It’s something that I am coming to terms with and also something I’m taking a hard long look At myself in the mirror wondering how I can possibly have fallen for someone this hard that I barely know. 

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She declined to go on a date with you. For me that would have been the end, no matter how pissy she got about not being able to keep you on the phone wasting hours and hours.

Place less emphasis on messages and marathon phone conversations and more on in person interactions. As you've found, all that messaging leads nowhere. 

I guess I’m having difficulty understanding why she would say she loved talking to me and thought I was attractive, yet not give me the proper chance. Doesn’t that not make sense to you all either? Does it have to make sense? This is really what I’m having difficulty understanding and accepting. In my mind, if you truly felt that way then you would give that person a real chance and see what happens. I never got that chance but was presumably led by signs pointing that direction, which is why I’m so down on myself. 

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Your chances will decrease if you continue to latch onto women you haven't even met yet.

You have no way of knowing how a relationship with that person would work in the real world. Messaging for hours doesn't equal love relationship compatibility. I message a few of my friends for hours. That doesn't mean I belong in a romantic relationship with all of them.

Do you want the right woman for you? A woman who would be a great match for you? Or do you just want a human female you can slap the label "girlfriend" on?

I understand what you’re saying and it does makes sense. I want someone who’s right for me and not just anybody that I can call my girlfriend. But I think the distinction here is when the feelings are reciprocated. Yes we talked via phone and text but it was for hours on end and it wasn’t just friendly talk. It was flirty and borderline romantic on both ends. So that’s what made me so attached, because I liked talking to this girl and we really did connect. Even though she says we aren’t a match there’s no true way to know that unless you get to know someone, but she clearly had a change of mind in the middle of everything, which isn’t unreasonable by any means. She can feel how she feels just like I can. I can’t control her into anything. The biggest thing here is that there’s a girl who was genuinely interested in me and loved talking to me and thought I was attractive and more… and I got way ahead of myself thinking “omg, this could be the one!” And then everything plays out and it turns out it was nothing but a waste of time and mental energy. I’ve talked to other girls like this before and haven’t been attached to them, so it’s not like I do this to everyone, but this also isn’t the first time it’s happened either. I’m just ready to find someone genuine and settle down. I’m over the games and all that stuff. 

16 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I reread your OP. For some reason I thought you two had gone out on a few dates but you never did, just one group hangout with your friends. And she declined your invitation for a date.

So to call this a "new relationship" isn't really accurate.

Why do you think you're so eager to latch onto any woman who comes along, even before you meet in person? Is there something in your life that you want a girlfriend to distract you from? 

You're young, so it's not like this woman was your last chance or something. 

Don't you think if you met someone new, they would then become the focus of your attention and thoughts?

Yes, I do think that would be the case and I believe this military lady proves that. I latched onto the thought of her and then when this new girl came along I completely forgot about the previous girl and this became my sole focus. I would assume if a new girl meandered in that I would probably get the same way about them too and forget about this current girl. I have deeper issues somewhere, I don’t know why I latch on like this.. what I can say is I don’t necessarily care about how much money I have or how many nice things I have, I just want somebody who cares about me just as much as I care about them to spend my life with. I wouldn’t think that’s too much to ask for but it’s hard to find someone it seems. 

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, you're taking this way more seriously than she is. I guarantee it. 

This is a woman you've met, what, one time? 

I would stop worrying so much about her, and instead reflect a lot more on why you're so deep in your feelings for a woman that you barely know. The way you talk, it would appear (to the uninformed observer) that you dated her for a while. But in reality, you chatted with her a bit and met only once. Somewhere along the way, you created and let yourself get attached to a fantasy version of this. 

 

Yes, and I know you’re right. I don’t understand why or how I did this to myself to allow for me to get so caught up on the idea of someone. She showed me the same feelings back at first and I took it and ran with it. I can say I’m definitely in love with the idea of her and what I envisioned, not so much her herself since we hardly have hung out. To me it shows a lack of self love, lunging at the opportunity to find someone who cares and loves you. I’m not sure, really have no clue how I let this happen. 

3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

You are responsible for yourself. It doesn't work to tell another person that you don't want to do something and expect them to babysit you and make sure you don't do it. 

Your actions speak otherwise, as you've been living in the friendzone for at least three weeks. Complaining doesn't take you out of the friendzone.

I wouldn't bet on it. You're making a spectacle of yourself and she's politely letting you do it. I doubt she'll give it much thought if you decide to take your ball and go home.

I disagree completely. I’m not making a spectacle of myself when she’s the one contacting me as well to talk for hours on end. I do agree with you that if I leave completely then she will be fine fine, however, she’s very upset on both occasions when I dipped out. That’s what leads me to think she just wants me around to fill the void. I’m sure since last night she’s probably found someone else to fill my place. Not sure how girls always seem to have guys lined up but it seems to be the case more often than not. 

13 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

No, but it's deceptive to pretend to be her friend when you are really just orbiting. I'm sure she knows that's what you're doing. Women can tell when a guy is doing this, and it's not a good look for you (or any guy). If your friendship is conditional or temporary, move on. Don't orbit.

Well I told her I don’t want to be “friends” for that very reason. This would be the textbook definition of friendzone in my opinion, and I do not want anything to do with that. I’m sure she just wants to keep me around as a friend to fill the void until she finds someone. 

31 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You wouldn't be a friend in the true sense of the word if you have other motives. It's a bit false and dishonest really.

Why live like that when you could invest in your own future, take up new hobbies, meet new people and altogether restart your life, rather than living in the shadows like that pretending to be a friend and not a friend?

At this point it's a good idea to think carefully and take stock of what you want out of life as a whole, in the big picture. It may help you make decisions in the meantime on the day to day grind - message or not to message, friend or not to friend. If you want more out of life, these ideas won't be an option.

I don’t want to live like that, which is why I told her I can’t do it and she didn’t take that very well at all. Like… I’m sorry but if she can’t understand that then *** is her intentions anyways. Im not here to be used as needed for her support. As much as I would love to be there to support her and care for her, it would have to be in the dating level not this friendzone nonsense. After I told her this last night she didn’t take it kindly and honestly probably cried some. Can’t confirm it though. I’ve been told she was super upset when we stopped talking the first time (that was her doing) and now I’m sure she’s just as upset. None of this makes any sense at all, but I know what I need to do and it’s to say goodbye. If she really likes talking to me and has a revelation that I would actually be boyfriend material then she can go out of her way to tell me. And no.. I’m not planning on that happening but I have seen it happen before unfortunately. Where were from it happens more often than not (smaller town Iowa).

47 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So yes, it's best to step away unless you want a front row seat if/when she starts dating some other man.

She was doing OK before your friends introduced you and she'll be fine now.  You do what's best for you.

I wouldn’t be able to take it having a front row seat when she starts dating someone. Absolutely no way I would be able to take it. I need to remove myself completely. It sucks that she sees me as this super nice person and everything the a girl would look for in a guy, but says She’s not interested. Something doesn’t add up and make sense clearly. I think she has her own issues (much like me) that she needs to address. She sounds like she really has no idea what she wants either.